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REPOSITORY OF WIT AND HUMOR; 



COMPRISING 



MORE THAN ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES, 

ODD SCRAPS, OFF-HAND HITS, AND 

HUMOROUS SKETCHES. 



SELECTED AND AHUAXGED BY 

\ 
M. LAFAYETTE BY EX, ML D. 

AUTHOR OF "REMINISCENCES OF HISTORY," "DARING DEEDS OF WOMAN," 
"'RANDOM SHOTS," ETC. ETC. 



ft* 



S3 



BOSTON: 

PUBLISHED BY JOHN P. JEWETT & CO. 

CLEVELAND, OHIO : 

JEWETT, PROCTOR & WORTHLNGTON. 

1853. 



«n3 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1852, by 

JOHN P. JEWETT & CO., 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the District of Massachusetts. 



STEREOTYPED BY 

HOBART & BOBBINS, 

NEW ENGLAND TYPE AND STEREOTYPE FOUNDERY, 

BOSTON. 



PREFACE. 



Nothing is sought after more earnestly, at the 
present day, than " gems of wit and humor." This 
being the case, I have been induced to compile this 
work, which abounds throughout with the most 
interesting and amusing matter. 

Some of the anecdotes, incidents, &c, are of very 
great antiquity, and which have not been before the 
public for more than fifty years past. This gives 
interest to the work, as the reader can contrast the 
humorous world in past ages with what it is at the 
present day. 

In making up this collection, every possible 
source has been consulted ; but it would be needless 



IV PREFACE. 

to say that authorities could be quoted, with few 
exceptions, for it has been nothing less than the 
"clippings" of several years that could make up 
such a variety and number as is here offered. 

M. L. B. 

New York, November, 1852. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



WHENCE COME GREAT MEN? 

Sir Edward Saunders, Chief Justice of England in the 
reign of Charles the Second, was once a poor beggar-boy 
strolling about the streets, without any knowledge of his 
parentage. — Sir Thomas Gresham. who, under the patronage 
of Elizabeth, became the founder of the Royal Exchange in 
London, was the son of a poor woman, who, while he was an 
infant, abandoned him in the fields; and his life was pre- 
served by the chirping of a grasshopper, which attracted a 
little boy to the place where he lay. — Nicholas Saunderson, 
the celebrated mathematician, lost his sight when he was a 
year old by the small-pox. Assisted by his friends, he pur- 
sued his studies. He became lecturer on optics in Cam- 
bridge ; he was the bosom friend of Newton ; he was elected 
Professor of Mathematics ; and is one of the most acute and 
learned commentators of the Principia. — Our own Hamilton 
was the office-boy and runner of his early patron. — William 
Jones, the friend of Madison and Jefferson, once Secretary of 
the Navy, and first President of the United States Bank, 
served his apprenticeship to a ship-builder. 

You have all read of the sexton's son, who became a fine 
astronomer by spending a short time every evening in gazing 
on the stars, after ringing the bell for nine o'clock. — Sir 
1* 



b ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

William Phipps, who at the age of forty-five had attained the 
order of knighthood, and the office of High-sheriff of New 
England and Governor of Massachusetts, learned to read and 
to write after his eighteenth year, and whilst learning the trade 
of a ship-carpenter, in Boston. — William Gifford, the great 
editor of the Quarterly, was an apprentice to a shoemaker, 
and spent his leisure hours in study ; and because he had 
neither pen nor paper, slate nor pencil, he wrote out his 
problems on smooth leather, with a blunted awl. — David Bit- 
tenhouse, the American astronomer, when a plough-boy, was 
observed to have covered his plough and the fences with fig- 
ures and calculations. — James Ferguson, the great Scotch 
astronomer, learned to read by himself, and mastered the 
elements of astronomy whilst a shepherd's boy, in the fields, 
by night ; and perhaps it is not too much to say, that if the 
hours wasted in idle company, in vain conversation, at the 
tavern, were only spent in the pursuit of useful knowledge, 
the dullest apprentice in any of your shops might become an 
intelligent member of society, and a fit candidate for most of 
your civil offices. By such a course the rough covering of 
many a youth might be laid aside, and their ideas, instead of 
being confined to local subjects and professional technicalities, 
might range throughout the wide fields of creation ; and other 
stars from the young men of this city might be added to that 
bright constellation of worthies that is gilding our country 
with a bright yet mellow light. 



QUACKS. 



Who is a quack ? One would think that where there are 
so many this question need scarcely be asked ; and yet there 
is not a term in the English language so little understood, or 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 7 

so often misapplied. The regular faculty call all vendors of 
patent medicines, all practitioners who have not received a 
collegiate education, and all who differ widely from them in 
practice, quacks ; but they are often wrong. A quack is 
one who professes to possess more knowledge than he really 
has, and promises more than he can perform ; but he who 
knows how to cure one particular disease, and actually does 
cure it, who promises and attempts no more, is no quack, 
all the colleges in the world to the contrary, notwithstanding. 
All knowledge is not got at school ; nor can a diploma make 
a savant of an idiot. Learning is knowledge ; but all knowl- 
edge is not learning. The celebrated " Red Bottle Doctors," 
of Hertford, England, altogether eclipsed all their neighbors 
of the regular faculty ; and yet they never went to school. 
They were farriers, — men of strong minds and sound practi- 
cal sense ; and they judged rightly, that what was good for 
horses might be good for men ; — we say rightly, because 
they were eminently successful in their practice. The most 
valuable discoveries have been made by uneducated people. 
Little children discovered the telescope, an untutored Indian 
the Peruvian bark, a soap-boiler the iodine, and a shepherd 
navigated Noah's ark. 

There are other than medical quacks, a plenty of them. 
The teacher who pretends to teach a hundred different arts 
and sciences is a quack ; the lawyer who predicts the result 
of a case without hearing the evidence is a quack ; and the 
preacher who preaches that his is the only true way of salva- 
tion, is a quack. 

A NEW TEXT. 

The profound knowledge of scripture displayed by some 
public men is a caution to heathen nations. For instance, 



8 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Mr. Hoge, of Illinois, undertook to compliment one of his 
colleagues in Congress, the other day, by quoting (as he 
said) from the Bible the following passage : 

" And while the lamp holds out to burn, 
The vilest sinner may return." 

Mr. Hoge's scripture quotation, " While the lamp holds 
out to burn," &c, brings to mind an anecdote related to us 
by a clergyman as occurring either to him or within his 
knowledge. A good w T oman (the " weaker vessel," very 
likely, of the two) had lost her husband by death ; and, 
receiving a visit of condolence from the minister, she entered 
pretty fully into a detail of her feelings of loneliness and 
grief, in her widowed condition. She said she found herself 
going back and forth, wandering about the house all day 
long, from garret to cellar, — now looking into the room 
where her 'poor, dear husband died, then trying to divert her 
mind by doing chores about house, and then, again, going to 
the good Book for consolation. She was, she said, a poor, 
lone woman ; and she could n't help thinking, all day long, 
of that very touching passage of scripture, — in Lamenta- 
tions, she believed it was, — which hit her case exactly: 
" Goosey, goosey gander, where icitt ye wander? " 



EXTRACT FROM DOW JR.'S SERMON ON MEANNESS. 

My friends, too many of you (city folks especially) are 
ever inclined to meanness. I know some who are so vastly 
little (if I may be allowed to use the term) that when they 
are brushed from the earth into the devil's dust-pan, the old 
chap will have to put on a pair of double -magnifying specta- 
cles, and poke a long while among the rubbish of immortality. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 9 

before he can find them. There is neighbor Tightfist. in some 
respects a worthy member of my congregation, and yet I regret 
to say is mean enough to chase a mosquito through a five- 
mile swamp for the sake of his suet. To his credit, however, 
he once made a sacrifice to the good cause, by putting an 
unfortunate looking penny into the box, and going supperless 
to bed. And neighbor Stick-in-the-mud. too. if he had the 
power, and could enrich himself thereby, would brush the 
silver stars from the firmament, and snatch the golden sun 
from the sky, and sell the moon for brass : and if sixpence 
was required at the gate of heaven, rather than pay the fee, 
I verily believe he would rise from his resting-place at mid- 
night, and pick the lock with a tenpenny nail ! 



THE ARAB HORSE. 

A most moving incident, illustrative of the extraordinary 
strength as well as attachment of the Arab horses, is given 
by Lamartine, in his beautiful travels in the East : 

" An Arab chief, with his tribe, had attacked in the night 
a caravan of Damascus, and plundered it. When loaded 
with their spoils, however, the robbers were overtaken in their 
return by some horsemen of the Pacha of Acre, who killed 
several, and bound the remainder with cords. In this state 
of bondage they brought one of the prisoners, named Abou 
el Marck, to Acre, and laid him, bound hand and foot, 
wounded as he was, at the entrance of the tent, as they slept 
during the night. 

" Kept awake by the pain of his wounds, the Arab heard 
his horse's neigh at a little distance; and, being desirous to 
stroke, for the last time, the companion of his life, he dragged 
himself up, bound as he was, to his horse, which was pick- 



10 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

eted at a short distance. ' Poor friend/ said he, ' what will 
you do among the Turks ? You will be shut up under the 
roof of a khan, with the horses of a pacha, or an aga. No 
longer will the women and children of the tent bring your 
barley, camel's milk, or dourra^ in the hollow of their hand ; 
no longer will you gallop, free as the wind of Egypt, in the 
desert ; no longer will you cleave with your bosom the waters 
of the Jordan, which cool your sides, as pure as the foam of 
your lips. If I am to be a slave, at least you may go free. 
Go ; return to our tent, to which Marck will return no more, 
but put your head still in the folds of the tent, and lick the 
hands of my children.' 

" With these words, as his hands were tied, he undid with 
his teeth the fetters w T hich held the courser bound, and set 
him at liberty ; but the noble animal, on receiving its free- 
dom, instead of bounding away to the desert, bent its head 
over its master, and, seeing him in fetters and on the ground, 
took his clothes gently in his teeth, lifted him up, and set off 
at full speed towards home. Without ever resting, he made 
straight for the distant but well-known tent, in the mountains 
of Arabia. He arrived there in safety, and laid his master 
safe down at the feet of his wife and children, and imme- 
diately dropped down dead with fatigue. The whole tribe 
mourned him, and his name is still constantly in the mouths 
of the Arabs in Jericho." 



MATERNAL AFFECTION. 



A recent traveller gives an account that, when he was 
walking on the beach in Brazil, he overtook a colored woman 
with a tray on her head. Being asked what she had to sell, 
she lowered the tray, and with reverent tenderness uncovered 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 11 

it. It was the lifeless form of her babe, covered by a neat 
white robe, with a garland round the head, and .flowers within 
the little hands, that lay clasped upon its bosom. " Is that 
your child ? " said the traveller. " It was mine a few days 
ago," she replied, " but the Madonna has it for her little 
angel now." " How beautifully you have laid it out ! " said 
he. She added, cheerfully, " Ah ! what is that to the bright 
wings it wears in heaven?" 



GODLY BOOKS. 



In 1626 a pamphlet was published in London, entitled 
"A most Delectable, Sweet. Perfumed Nosegay, for God's 
Saints to smell at." About the year 1646 there was pub- 
lished a work entitled "A Pair of Bellows, to blow off the Dust 
cast upon John Fay; " and another called " The Snuffers for 
Divine Love." Cromwell's time was particularly famous for 
title-pages. The author of a work on charity entitles his book 
" Hooks and Eyes for Believers' Breeches ; " and another, who 
professed a wish to exalt poor human nature, called his labors 
"High-heeled Shoes for Dwarfs in Holiness; " and another, 
" Crumbs of Comfort for the Chickens of the Covenant." A 
Quaker, whose outward man the powers thought proper to 
imprison, published "A Sigh of Sorrow for the Sinners of 
Zion, breathed out of a hole in the wall of an Eastern Ves- 
sel, known among men by the name of Samuel Fish." About 
the same time there was also published " The Spiritual Mus- 
tard-pot, to make the Soul Sneeze with Devotion; " " Salva- 
tion's Vantage-ground, or a Leaping Stand for Heavenly 
Believers ; " another, " A Shot at the Devil's Head-quarters, 
through the Tube of the Cannon of the Covenant." : 'This 
is an author who speaks plain language, that the most ill iter- 



12 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ate reprobate cannot fail to understand;" another, " Reap- 
ing-hook, well tempered for the Stubborn Ears of the Coming 
Crop ; or, Biscuits baked in the Oven of Charity, carefully 
conserved for the Chickens of the Church, the Sparrows of 
the Spirit, and the Sweet Swallows of Salvation." To 
another, we have the following copious description of its con- 
tents: " Seven Sobs of a Sorrowful Soul for Sin, or the 
Penitential Psalms of the Princely Prophet David ; where- 
unto are also annexed William Huinnis' Handful of Honey- 
suckles, and Divers Godly and Pithy Ditties, now newly 
augmented." 



ABYSSINIAN BRUCE. — GEORGE SELWYN. 

In a large company at dinner, Mr. Bruce was, according 
to his custom, talking away. Some one asked him what 
musical instruments are used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, 
not being prepared for the question, and at last said, "I 
think I saw one lyre there." George Selwyn whispered his 
next man, "Yes, and there is one less since he left the 
country." 

Priests (says a punster) are elected in Spain to head 
armies, with perfect propriety, as they have been bred to the 
canon law. 



A lady, visiting the British Museum, said to one of the 
librarians, "Pray, sir, haven't you a skull of Oliver Crom- 
well here?" "No, madam," replied the man of learning 
and antiquity. "Dear me," said she, "I wonder at that, 
for they have a very fine one in the museum at Oxford. " 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 13 

THE TONGUE. 

A company of gentlemen and ladies were very sportive in 
interrogating each other ; one asked the other if she spoke 
the Spanish language. A gentleman sitting by answered 
the lady in saying " that one was enough, for he had under- 
stood that a lady's tongue hung on a pivot, for both ends 
moved at the same time.*' " 0, dear sir,'" said the lady, " I 
think one is enough, if it is well used." 



A BLACK PUDDING. 

A country woman, who was very anxious to hear a cer- 
tain clergyman preach, at some distance from her place of 
residence, put a black pudding into her bosom to serve as a 
refreshment. The clergyman, happening to preach on our 
darling sins, used the expression so often, u Pull them out of 
your bosom," that the woman, in a pet, pulled out the pud- 
ding, and threw it at him. saying, " There, tak it ; what need 
for makin' a* this noise about a bit of black puddin* 1 " 






ANTICHRIST. 

It was formerly a custom, among the Scottish clergy, to 
make perpetual allusions in their prayers to the Pope, whom 
they always characterized by the epithet Antichrist. At 
the time, however, of the French Revolution, the good old 
hatred of popery gave way before a still more dreadful sub- 
ject of antipathy and horror, — the mingled infidelity and 
Jacobinism propagated in consequence of that tremendous 
event ; and it then became customary to pray for the altar 
and the throne. Soon after this material change in the 
prayers had taken place, a poor woman one day said to the 



14 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Rev. Mr. M — -, of Montrose, " Sir, I hae something to 
spier at ye ; but ye maunna tak it ill." " Na, na," returned 

Mr. M , "I'll no tak it ill." " Ou, dear me, then," 

rejoined the old woman ; " is yon Anna Christie dead, or is 
she better, that ye prayed sae lang about, for I ne'er hear ye 
speak about her noo?" 



A GUIDE TO OLD AGE. 

The late Archbishop of Seville, in Spain, lived to the 
extraordinary age of one hundred years, eight months, and 
fourteen days. He used to tell his friends, when asked what 
regimen he observed to be even at that age in the full enjoy- 
ment of every faculty, " By being old when I was young, I 
find myself young now I am old." 



STORY OF SIR FRANCIS ANDERSON'S RING. 

The story of Sir Francis Anderson's ring is curious. He 
was Mayor of Newcastle in 1559. Standing on the bridge, 
he accidentally dropped a ring from his finger, which fell into 
the river. The marvellous part of the relation is that, some 
time after, one of his servants bought a fish in the market, in 
the body of which the identical ring was found, and thus 
restored to the owner. In 1783 Mr. Brand saw the ring in 
the possession of Mr. Edward Anderson, merchant, who per- 
mitted him to take a drawing of it. He tells us that the 
engraving on the signet seems to be a Roman antique ; and 
he adds that this Mr. Anderson has a deed of family prop- 
erty the seal of which exhibits an impression answerable to 
that on this memorable ring, and is of a date prior to the 
supposed time of this extraordinary event. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 15 

An officer being much intoxicated, an old soldier observed 
that he was afraid there was something wrong at head- 
quarters. 



A gentleman calling on a friend who, on account of cer- 
tain duns, was a good deal at home, and had given out to his 
friends as an excuse that he was confined to his room, 
which was on the third floor, asked him if he had been ill. 
"Yes," replied the other, "I have had a severe fit of the 
roo;?i-atism." " Ay, ay," said his friend, looking round, i: I 
perceive you are room-attic." 



A certain gentleman, not well skilled in orthography, 
requested his friend to send him too monkeys. The t not 
being distinctly written, the friend concluded his too was 
intended for 100. With difficulty he procured fifty, which 
he sent, adding. '-'The other fifty, agreeable to your order, 
will be forwarded as soon as possible." 



A young poet offered his play to one of the theatres for 
nothing. The manager said the author well knew the exact 

value of it. 

A schoolmaster, who was charged with using the birch 
rather too violently, declared that it was the only way to 
make a dull boy smart. 



TIT FOR TAT. 



The passengers on board an Aberdeen smack were most 
grievously annoyed by the nocturnal visitations of myriads 



16 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

of hungry bugs. These little blood-suckers were so inces- 
sant in their attacks, that to close an eye was utterly out of 
the question ; nay, so severely did some suffer, that in the 
morning, when all hands were mustered in the cabin, their 
physiognomies were to be recognized with considerable diffi- 
culty ! One night their agonies became so intolerable that 
they bellowed out to the master of the vessel, " 0, master ! 
master ! they ? re biting us ! ' J " Wha the deil 's biting ye ? " 
cries the master. " 0, sir, the bugs." The response of the 
master, if not consolatory, was admirably laconic: " Weel, 
mair feil ye ; canna ye bite them again ? " 



MARCH OF INTELLECT. 

A gentleman visiting Mr. Wood's school in Edinburgh, 
had a book put into his hand for the purpose of examining a 
class. The word inheritance occurring in the verse, the 
querist interrogated the youngster as follows: "What is 
inheritance?" "Patrimony." "What is a patrimony?" 
" Something left by a father." " What would you call it, if 
left by a mother ? " " Matrimony P 



COURT MICE. — VOLTAIRE, ALGAROTTI, AND CHASOL. 

These three geniuses were at one time at the court of 
Frederic, and, as Voltaire expresses it, " made their escape 
at the same time." It is well known how mrTch must be 
borne ft'om princes and great men. But Frederic was too 
free in the abuse of his prerogative. All society has its 
laws, except the society of the lion and the lamb. Frederic 
continually failed in the first of these laws, which is to say 
nothing disobliging of any of the company. He often used 



OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 17 

to ask bis chamberlain, Polnitz, if he would not willingly 
change his religion a fifth time, and offer to pay an hundred 
crowns down for his conversion. He treated poor D'Argens 
in much the same way. As for Maupertuis, who had been 
silly enough to place out his money at Berlin, he was obliged 
to remain there; kl where his treasure wasf* there was his 
body obliged also to remain. 



RIGHT HON. JOHN HELY HUTCHINSON. 

This celebrated statesman and lawyer had accumulated a 
great number of very lucrative places ; and so great was his 
avidity, that Lord North humorously said, " If England and 
Ireland were given to this man, he would solicit the Isle of 
Man for a potato-garden.'' 



ALEXANDER POPE, ESQ. 

Mr. Pope's aunt taught him to read when he was a child, 
and he learnt to write from copying only. 

The subscriptions for his Iliad amounted to six thousand 
pounds, beside twelve hundred pounds from Lintot for the 
copy. 

Mr. Pope did not. in his last hours, choose to be attended 
by the Catholic priest, recommended by Mr. Hooke to come 
to him, till he knew Lord Bolingbroke had quitted his house. 

Mr. Pope died as he was receiving extreme unction. It is 
probable, from his not having sufficiently attended to his 
religious faith and principles, that he was almost in the state 
of that French nobleman, mentioned in a French miscellany, 
called A?ia, who, at the requisition of his wife, sent for a 
priest : and when the priest asked him whether he believed 



18 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

such and such particular article, he turned to his wife, and 
said, "My dear, should I believe that ?" 



A brilliant talker is not always liked by those whom he 
has most amused. 

Quick believers need broad shoulders. Some people 
should be all shoulders. 

He that would reprove the world must be one whom the 
world cannot reprove. 

When the winds of applause blow fresh and strong, then 
steer with a steady hand. 

Those who declaim loudest against money-getting are 
often the most avaricious. 

The zeal which begins with hypocrisy must conclude in 
treachery ; at first, it deceives, — at last, it betrays. 

If judges would make their decisions just, they should 
behold neither plaintiff, defendant nor pleader, but only the 
cause itself. 

By cultivating the beautiful, we scatter the seeds of 
heavenly flowers ; by doing good, we foster those already 
belonging to humanity. 

The nerve which never relaxes, the eye which never 
blenches, the thought which never wanders, — these are the 
masters of victory. 



Digby, the other day, found some money in the street. 
"Ah!" said he, with a knowing look, " papers have been 
saying that ' money's tight,' but I wouldn't have believed 
it ; if I hadn't found it in the gutter." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 19 



POLICY. 



Four days before the death of the Cardinal d'Amboise, 
Louis XII. having paid him a visit, he burst into tears, and 
made a general and ministerial confession to the monarch. 
He acknowledged that he left considerable riches, in the 
acquisition of which he had many things to reproach himself 
with. He maintained that he had taken nothing from his 
majesty's subjects; but he told him that he had for a long 
time received a pension of fifty thousand ducats from differ- 
ent princes and republics of Italy, thirty thousand of which 
were from the Florentines alone. He had, besides, got con- 
siderable presents, and amassed large sums. He begged the 
king, therefore, to permit him to dispose of all that he pos- 
sessed ; and the good king granted him more than he asked. 



DEFINITION OF LOVE. 

At a parochial examination, the minister asked a sort of 
half-crazy woman what love was, which the string of his 
former questions led him to. " What's love, Nanny?" 
"Hoot fye, sir," says Nanny, "dinna speer sic daft like 
questions as that, when I 'm sure ye ken that love 's joost an 
unco fykiness i' mind ; an' what mair can me or ony other 
body say about it?" 



LEARNED DIVINE. 



The equivocality of many of the names of places in Scot- 
land has given occasion to a very amusing saying regarding 
a clergyman : "He was born in the parish of Dull, brought 
up at the school of Dunse {quasi Dunce), and finally 
settled minister in the parish of Drone ! " 



20 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

The following anecdote may be relied on. — When Foote 
had a house at Hampstead, he invited a number of friends in 
London to dine with him, twenty of whom obeyed the invita- 
tion, and fared sumptuously. The repast being over. Dr. 
Heffernan, who was one of the company, drew from his 
pocket proposals for a new edition of Horace ; the conditions 
stating that the price would be two guineas, half to be paid at 
the time of subscribing, and the other half on the delivery 
of the book. Our Aristophanes threw down his guinea 
without delay, declaring himself a subscriber, and every 
person present instantly followed his example. But, after 
Heffernan had pocketed the twenty guineas, our host deliv- 
ered the following remonstrance, addressing himself to the 
now affluent physician : " Heffernan, this is about the thirty- 
. fifth time that I have subscribed to your Horace, but for 
heaven's sake never think of printing it! It is hardship 
enough to be obliged to throw away a guinea ; but the further 
punishment of reading your vile nonsense would be intolera- 
ble." The doctor smiled, and implicitly followed his advice, 
for not a line of his Horace ever appeared. 



A particular old gentleman of the name of Hair 
received a letter from one who did not know how to spell his 
name exactly, and directed the letter to Mr. Hare. The let- 
ter was returned by the former as an insult, with the remark 
" that he had seen too much of the world to suffer himself to 
be made game of." 

Foote, being asked by a lady to translate a physician's 
motto, which was u a numine salus" he quickly replied, 
"God help the patient !" 



E THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 21 

SINGULAR ANECDOTE OF CHARLES THE SECOND. 

FR03I JIACPHERSON. 

Soon after the Eye-house plot was discovered, thinking to 
be severe upon the character of his brother, he exhibited a 
striking feature of his own. The duke, one day. returning 
from hunting with his guards, found the king in Hyde Park. 
He expressed his surprise how his majesty could venture his 
person alone at such a perilous time. " James," replied the 
king, "take you care of yourself, and I am safe. No man 
will kill me to make you king ! " 



REPROOF FROM THE PULPIT. 

The Rev. Mr. Shirra, a most eccentric dissenting clergyman 
at Kirkaldy, could never endure to see any of his flock attend 
public worship in clothes that he thought too fine for their 
station in life. One Sunday afternoon, a young lass, who 
attended his meeting-house regularly, and was personally 
known to him, came in with a new bonnet of greater magni- 
tude and more richly decorated than he thought befitted the 
wearer. He soon observed it ; and, pausing in the middle of 
his discourse, said, "Leuk, ony o' ye that's near hand there, 
whether my wife be sleepin' or no, as I canna get a glint o' 
her for a' thae fine falderals about Jenny Bean's braw new 
bannet." 



An Irishman, warmly expressing his gratitude to the 
United States to a friend of ours who was travelling through 
that country, said, " Had it not been for Ameriky, in sending 
us flour and male, Ireland wouldn't have been here to this 
day." 



22 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

PETER BALES 

Was one of the first introducers of short-hand writing. 
His skill in micography, or miniature writing, was, we 
believe, unparalleled. Mr. Evelin informs that, in the year 
1575, he wrote the Lord's Prayer, the creed, the decalogue, 
with two short prayers in Latin, his own name, motto, day 
of the month, year of the Lord, and reign of the queen 
(Elizabeth), to whom he presented it at Hampton Court, all 
within the circle of a silver penny, inchased in a ring and 
borders of gold, and covered with a crystal so accurately 
wrought as to be very plainly legible. He died about 1600. 



DRAMATIC ANECDOTES. 

Moliere, the great comic poet of France, was also an 
excellent performer. He died while sustaining a part in a 
comedy of his own writing, called "Le Malade Imaginaire," 
in the year 1679, in his grand climacteric. The Archbishop 
of Paris, who held the amusement of the stage in detestation, 
would not suffer his body to be inhumed in consecrated 
ground. The king, being informed of the obstinacy of this 
rigid prelate, sent for him into his presence, and began to 
expostulate with him on the impropriety of his conduct; but 
the holy man was not to be convinced. His majesty, finding 
fair arguments ineffectual, at length asked him how many feet 
deep the consecrated ground reached. The bishop, without 
reflection or ceremony, replied, " About eight." "Then," 
replied the king, " let the grave of Moliere be dug twelve 
feet, which is four below the consecrated earth ! " Louis 
the Fourteenth spoke this in a tone which convinced the 
churchman that it would be unsafe to make further resist- 
ance. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 23 

A PHILOSOPHER. 

Maclaurin, the able expounder of Newton's " Principia," 
and Professor of Mathematics in the College of Edinburgh, 
could not yawn without dislocating his jaw. At the same 
time, his instinct of imitation was so strong, that he could 
not resist yawning when he witnessed that act in others. His 
pupils w r ere not slow in discovering and taking advantage of 
his weakness. When tired of his lecture, they either began 
to yawn, or open their mouths in imitation of that act, and 
prelection was immediately interrupted. The professor stood 
before them with his mouth wide open, and could not proceed 
till he rang for his servant to come and shut it. In the 
mean time the conspirators effected their escape. 



SIR JAMES STUART, BART. 

During the intended French invasion into Scotland, in the 
year 1708, the English fleet at the mouth of the Frith of 
Forth was mistaken at Edinburgh for the French. Upon 
that occasion, Sir Hugh Dalrymple, Lord President of the 
Court of Session, who was flying into England himself, 
advised Sir James Stuart to do the same, putting him in 
mind that he had had a hand in drawing the Prince of 
Orange's manifesto. He answered, " Ay, ay, my dear, that 
is true; and I must draw this man's, too." This is a story 
well known to both families. 



The Rev. Rowland Hill, in a conversation on the powers 
of the letter H, w T here it was contended that it was no letter, 
but a simple aspiration or breathing, took the opposite side 
of the question, and insisted on its being, to all intents and 



24 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

purposes, a letter ; and concluded by observing that, if it were 
not, it was a very serious affair to him, as it would occasion 
his being ill all the days of his life. 



PRACTICAL WIT. 



A young gentleman, celebrated for his wit at college, was 
asked by his father for a specimen of his talents, while enter- 
taining a party of friends at vacation. The scholar knelt 
upon the hearth and roared lustily, twice, to the great sur- 
prise of the old squire, who asked him what the he meant 

by that. " Why, sir," replied the son, "seeing the fire so 
low, I thought it might be the better for &pair of bellows " 



EDMUND BURKE, ESQ., 

Was not only fond of reading novels, but of reading them 
aloud to his company. Ladies were always extremely 
delighted to have him to read works of that sort. One day, 
a beautiful young lady, of the name of Miss Paine, had come 
over from the charming seat of Paine's Hill, near Cobham, to 
visit Mrs. Burke, and was a hearer of one of these readings. 
The phrase Mons Veneris happening to occur, the young 
lady asked the meaning. " Paine* s Hill" replied the gal- 
lant Edmund. 



ANECDOTE OF BOISSI. 



It occurred to one of Boissi's friends that it was very ex- 
traordinary he could never find him at home, and, at length, 
he burst open the door. He now beheld his friend, with 
his wife and child, lying on a bed, pale and emaciated, scarcely 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 25 

able to utter a sound. The parents lay still, in a perfect 
stupor ; they never heard the bursting open of the door, 
and felt nothing of the embraces of their agitated friend. 
They were restored to health and the world. This trans- 
action made a great noise at Paris, and at length came to the 
ears of Madam Pompadour. She immediately sent Boissi 
one hundred loads d'or : and procured him a profitable place, 
with a pension for his wife and child. He was a member of 
the French Academy. His works are printed in three 
vols.. 8vo. 

ANECDOTE OF GAERICK. 

When Garrick was last at Paris. Preville invited him to 
his villa. Preville was reckoned the most accomplished com- 
edian of the French theatre. Our Koscius, being in a very 
gay humor, proposed to go in one of the hired coaches that 
go to Versailles, on which road the villa of Preville lies. 
When they got in, he ordered the coachman to drive on, who 
answered that he would do so as soon as he got his complement 
of four passengers. A caprice immediately seized Garrick ; 
he determined to give his brother-player a specimen of art. 
While the coachman was attentively plying for passengers, 
Garrick slipped out of the door, went round the coach, and, 
by his wonderful command of countenance, — a power which 
he so happily displayed in Abel Drugger, — palmed himself 
upon the coachman for a stranger. This he did twice, and 
was admitted each time into the coach as a fresh passenger, 
to the astonishment and admiration of Preville. He whipped 
out a third time, and, addressing himself to the coachman, was 
answered, in a surly tone, "that he had already got his com- 
plement ; " and he would have driven off without him, had not 
Preville called out that, as the stranger appeared a very little 
3 



26 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

man, they would, to accommodate the gentleman, contrive to 
make room. 



COMPLAISANCE. 



It is well known that Madam de Guerchville was extremely 
beautiful, that Henry IV. was in love with her, that she 
resisted his passion a long time, and that the king conceived 
so much esteem for her that he appointed her a lady of the 
bedchamber to the queen, telling her that had he known a 
more virtuous woman in his kingdom he would have given 
her the preference. 

The Abbe de Choissy relates a circumstance in the life of 
this lady hitherto unknown. Henry IV., knowing that Madam 
de Guercheville was at Roche-Guyon, resolved to pay her a 
visit; and sent a gentleman to acquaint her that, having been 
on a hunting party in the neighborhood, he requested leave 
to sup with her, and to sleep in her castle. The lady replied, 
with great respect, that she would do her best to receive the 
king in a manner suitable to his rank and dignity. The 
monarch, enchanted with this answer, repaired to the castle, 
where he found Madame de Guerchville at the bottom of the 
staircase, full-dressed, and ready to receive him. She con- 
ducted him, with much ceremony, into the best apartment ; 
and, as he passed along, he observed in the kitchen every 
preparation for a magnificent supper. The lady informed 
him, as soon as he had enjoyed a little repose, it would be 
served up. When the supper was ready, and the king about 
to sit down to table, he learned that Madam de Guercheville 
had ordered her carriage, and departed from the castle. Sur- 
prised and much vexed at this information, he sent to inquire 
the reason ; upon which she sent back this answer : that a 
king ought always to be master wherever he was ; and that, 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 27 

as for her part, she wished to enjoy freedom, wherever she 
might be. 



Let us so order our conversation in the world that we 
may live, when we are dead, in the affections of the best, 
and leave an honorable testimony in the consciences of the 
worst. 

He who troubles himself more than he needs grieves also 
more than is necessary ; for the same weakness which makes 
him anticipate his misery makes him enlarge it too. 

He that can apprehend and consider vice, with all her 
baits and seeming pleasure, and yet abstain, and yet distin- 
guish, and yet prefer, that which is truly better, — he is the 
true warfaring Christian. 



Henry the Eighth, and Francis the First of France, were 
both princes of very warm tempers ; and the former, having 
a design of sending a very warm message to the latter, pitched 
on Sir Thomas More, his chancellor, for the messenger. Sir 
Thomas, having received his instructions, told Henry that he 
feared, if he carried such a message to so violent a man as 
FranciSj it might cost him his head. " Never fear, man," 
said the king ; " if Francis were to cut off your head, I would 
make every Frenchman in my power a head shorter." "I 
am obliged to your majesty," replied the facetious chancellor, 
l: but I must doubt if any of their heads would fit my shoul- 
ders." 



Truth, they say, lies in a well. " For my part," said a 
wit, "I thought it the property of truth to lie nowhere." 



28 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

IMPLICIT FAITH. 

The celebrated Simon Fraser, Lord Lovat, to his other 
qualities added a most inordinate vanity. In 1736 he 
erected a monument (still extant) in the old church of Kirk- 
hill, within a few miles of Castle Dounie, to the memory of 
his father, in which he took occasion to say of himself that 
" both at home and abroad, by his eminent actions in the war 
and the state, he had acquired great honors and reputation." 
Sir Robert Munro, who fell at Falkirk, being on a visit to 
Lord Lovat, they went together to view this monument. Sir 
Robert, upon reading the inscription, in a free manner said, 
" Simon, how the devil came you to put up such boasting, 
romantic stuff? " To which the wary Jacobite replied, " The 
monument and inscription are chiefly for the Frasers, who 
must believe whatever I, their chief, require of them, and 
their posterity will think it as true as the gospel." 



KING JAMES II. 



Some time previous to the landing of the Prince of Orange, 
it was generally reported that the whole armament was lost. 
James received the news at dinner ; and, with an appearance 
of great devotion, remarked, "It is not to be wondered at, 
for the host has been exposed these several days ! " 



out-lawed. 



When Sergeant Maynard, then ninety years of age, came 
at the head of the lawyers to congratulate the Prince of 
Orange, the prince having paid him this compliment on the 
vigor of his age, "that he had outlived all the men of the 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 29 

law of his time,' 5 Maynard answered, " Had not your High- 
ness come over. I should have outlived the law itself." 



THE BRITISH SEAMAN STILL. 

WHEN D'Avaux, the French ambassador, hastened to 
inform James, then in Ireland, of some advantage obtained 
by the French fleet, James, with a generous peevishness, 
answered, " C'est Men la premiere fois done:" — "It is 
the first time, then." 



Lady Lane was presiding, one evening, at the card-table, 
when her ruffles caught the fire of the candle. Lord Lyttle- 
ton. intending to be witty on the accident, said he did not 
think her ladyship so apt to take fire, "Nor am I, my 
lord, from such a spark as you." 



There are none or very few evils, but penury and guilt. 
The dignity of virtue makes everything else a trifle, or very 
tolerable. Penury itself may flatter one, for it may be 
inflicted on a man for his virtue. 

It is the great privilege of poverty to be happy unenvied, 
to be healthy without physic, secure without a guard, and 
to obtain from the bounty of nature what the great and 
wealthy are compelled to procure by the help of art. — 
Johnson. 



Lord Chesterfield's physicians having informed him 
that he was dying "by inches,'" he thanked Heaven that he 
was not so tall by a foot as Sir Thomas Robinson. 

3* 



SO ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

An ignorant lawyer, pleading in an action of assault and 
battery, to aggravate matters, gravely told the court that his 
client had been beaten by a certain wooden instrument, called 
an iron pestle. 



cc Dear me, how fluidly he does talk ! " said Mrs. Parting- 
ton, recently, at a temperance lecture. "I am always 
rejoiced when he mounts the nostril, for his eloquence warms 
me in every nerve and cartridge of my body, — verdigrease 
itself couldn't be more smooth than his blessed tongue is ! " 
and she wiped her spectacles with her cotton bandanna, and 
never took eyes from the speaker during the whole hour he 
was on the stand. 

Women are curious creatures, after all ; when they once 
see a man that they like, they will watch him. 



An Hibernian traveller, expressing how cheering and com- 
fortable the roads are made by mile-stones, suggests that it 
would be a great improvement if they were nearer each other. 



An Irish footman, having carried a basket of game from 
his master to a friend, waiting a considerable time for his 
customary fee, but finding no present appear, scratched his 
head and said, " Sir, if my master should say, ' Paddy, what 
did the gentleman give you,' what would your honor have me 
tell him?" 



Why is a mariner tracking his way upon a map like the 
old Pharisees ? — Because he compasses sea and land. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 31 

DR. JOHNSON. 

When Dr. Johnson was on his tour to the Hebrides, he 
dined at the house of George Gordon, Esq., of Gordon 
Bank, near Kelso, in company with Lord Kaimes and other 
gentlemen. In the evening, when tea and coffee were intro- 
duced, Miss Gordon, the host's daughter, directed the servant 
to hand the doctor some tea-cakes peculiar to Scotland, called 
scones, or girdle-cakes. Dr. Johnson pushed the man's 
hand back, signifying that he would not taste them. The 
young lady, who had superintended their making, feeling 
a little disappointed, determined to try her efforts on the 
doctor, and presented them herself, observing they were made 
purposely for him. The doctor looked good-naturedly at 
Miss Gordon (who had been silent the whole time of dinner), 
and said, taking the cakes, " Have you a tongue? I have 
not heard you speak this day." The young lady answered, 
" My benefit, sir, has been in hearing." The doctor instantly 
replied, "I have not heard so good a thing said this day." 
And this in the company of the author of " The Elements of 
Criticism." 



Two suitors in chancery, being reconciled to each other 
after a very tedious and expensive suit, applied to an artist 
to paint a device in commemoration of their returning amity 
and peace. The artist accordingly painted one of them in his 
shirt j and the other stark naked. 



A gentleman meeting a very young and beautiful girl in 
the pump-room at Bath, asked her why she drank the waters. 
"From mere wantonness, sir," replied she. " And pray, 
madam," said he, " have they cured you?" 



32 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

When Dr. Percy first published his collection of Ancient 
English Ballads, perhaps he was too lavish in commendation 
of the beautiful simplicity and poetic merit he supposed him- 
self to discover in them. This circumstance provoked John- 
son to observe, one evening, at Miss Reynolds' tea-table, that 
he could rhyme as well, and as elegantly, in common narra- 
tive and conversation. For instance, says he, 

" As, with my hat upon my head, 
I walked along the Strand, 
I there did meet another man, 
With his hat in his hand." 

Or, to render such poetry subservient to my own immediate 
use, 

" I therefore pray thee, Renny dear, 
That thou wilt give to me, 
With cream and sugar softened well. 
Another dish of tea. 

" Nor fear that I, my gentle maid, 

Shall long detain the cup, 

When once unto the bottom I 

Have drank the liquor up. 

" Yet hear, alas ! this mournful truth, 
Nor hear it with a frown ; 
Thou canst not make the tea so fast 
As I can gulp it down." 

And thus he proceeded through several more stanzas, till the 
reverend critic cried out for quarter. Such ridicule, how- 
ever, was not unmerited. The editor of the Biographia 
Dramatica judiciously observes, "It has sometimes hap- 
pened that those who have been tempted to reprint specimens 
of the rude poetry of our early writers have likewise per- 
suaded themselves that these trifles were possessed of a further 
degree of value than they may justly challenge as the records 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 33 

of fugitive customs, or the repositories of ancient language. 
When Rowe, in his Prologue to Jane Shore, without excep- 
tion, declared that 

* These venerable ancient song-inditers 
Soared many a pitch above our modern writers,! 

he certainly said what he neither believed himself, nor could 
"wish any part of his audience or his readers to believe. Such 
literary falsehoods deserve to be exposed as often as they are 
detected. 7 ' 

A physician who lived in London visited a lady who 
resided at Chelsea. After continuing his visits for some time, 
the lady expressed an apprehension that it might be incon- 
venient for him to come so far on her account. " 0, by no 
means," replied the doctor; "I have another patient in the 
neighborhood, and I always set out to kill two birds with 
one stone." 



Dr. Henniker being in private conversation with the 
Earl of Chatham, his lordship asked him, among other ques- 
tions, what was wit. "Wit," ne replied, "my lord, is what 
a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble 
servant, — a good thing well applied." 



A Frenchman having frequently heard the word press 
made use of to imply persuade, as "press that gentleman 
to take some refreshment," "press him to stay to-night," 
thought he would show his talents by using a synonymous 
term : and, therefore, made no scruple one evening to cry 
out in company. " Pray squeeze that lady to sing." 



34 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

DR. JOHNSON. 

When James Bos well took Dr. Johnson to his father's 
house in Scotland, old Boswell, astonished at the singularity 
of his manners, remarked that Jamie had brought an odd 
chiel along with him. " Sir," said Boswell, " he is the 
grand luminary of our hemisphere : quite a constellation, 
sir ! " " Ursa Major, I suppose," said the old gentleman. 



MOFFAT. 

The village of Moffat has of late years thriven considerably, 
by reason of the visitors attracted to it by a mineral well in 
the neighborhood. As its prosperity, however, is great 
during the summer months, so it is little during the desolate 
period of winter. The neighboring villagers, who, of course, 
envy Moffat during the days of its splendor, have long had a 
standing joke upon the town. " If you meet," say they, " a 
Moffat man in summer anyw T here out of doors, and ask him 
where he resides, he vociferates, — £ Moffat, and be d — d! J 
But, on the contrary, if you ask the same question in winter, 
his answer is expressed in the most piteous strain, — £ Moffat, 
God help us ! ' " 

The first time General Howe went to court, after his 
return from America, he had to his carriage a very handsome 
pair of bay horses. A person, who observed them, exclaimed, 
" Where could the general get his bays? " " Not in Amer- 
ica," replied a bystander. 



In a coffee-house in London the following hint w r as once 
stuck up by a witty wag: " Gentlemen learning to spell 
are requested to use yesterday's papers." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 35 

CURIOUS STRATAGEM OF TENIER. 

Tins great painter, perceiving that the works of painters 
sold much dearer after the death of their authors, wisely 
determined to anticipate the reversionary profits of talent ; 
and. to effect this, thought he could not adopt a better 
expedient than to cease to live to the public. In order to 
execute this singular stratagem, he absented himself from the 
town of Anvers. and his wife and children counterfeited afflic- 
tion by putting on black. The trick succeeded, and in a 
very short time all the pieces of the pretended deceased 
were bought up at very high prices. 



SEEING NOT BELIEVING. 

The Abbe Regnier, secretary of the French Academy, 
was collecting in his hat from each member a contribution for 
a certain purpose. The president, Roses, one of the Forty, was 
a great miser, but had paid his quota ; which the Abbe not 
perceiving, he presented the hat a second time. Roses, as 
was to be expected, said he had already paid. " I believe 
it." answered Regnier, " though I did not see it." "And 
I," added Fontenelle, who was beside him, "saw it, but I do 
not believe it" 



One day, Boswell trying to make a definition of man that 
would distinguish him from all other animals, calls him "a 
cooking animal. A man can dress a good dinner, and every 
man is more or less a cook in seasoning what he himself eats."' 
'•Tour definition,' 7 replied Burke, "is good; I now see 
the full force of the common proverb, — There is reason in, the 
roasting of eggs. 7 ' 



36 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

EDWARD GIBBON, ESQ., 

Has an observation on the Beggar's Opera, which, 

whether just or not, is new and ingenious. " It has," he said, 

" had a beneficial effect in refining highwaymen, and making 

them less ferocious, more polite ; in short, more like gentle- 



JAMES BOSWELL— - EDMUND BURKE. 
Boswell telling him that he had seen at the Blue-Stocking 
Club a number of ladies sitting round a worthy and tall 
friend of theirs (Johnson), and listening to his literature, 
" Ay," said Burke, " like maids round a May-pole." 



A LINE. 
A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, 
asked the hangman if he had any message to the place where 
he was going. " I will trouble you with a line" replied the 
finisher of the law. 



Barrymore happening to come late to the theatre, and 
having to dress for his part, was driven to the last moment, 
when, to heighten his perplexity, the key of his drawer was 
missing. " Never mind," replied Banister, coolly, "if you 
have swallowed the key, it will serve — to open your chest" 



When Foote was at Salt-Hill, he dined at the Castle ; and 
when Partridge produced the bill, which was rather exorbi- 
tant, Foote asked him his name. "Partridge, an't please 
you," said he. " Partridge ! " returned Foote, " it should be 
Woodcock, by the length of your bill." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 37 

LIBERALITY. 

An Episcopalian lady at Alloa had a Presbyterian hus- 
band, on -whose death she applied to her own clergyman to 
have the burial service read over him. He refused to do so ; 
which being reported to old Skinner, the poet, he remarked, 
" Hoot, sic a stiff ass ! If it had been me, I wad hae said, 
1 Ay, the mae the merrier.' " 



An English nobleman being in company with a certain 
minister of state, the latter was observing "there could be 
nothing more ridiculous than the manner in which the council 
of state assembled in some of the negro nations. In the 
council-chamber are placed twelve large jars, half full of 
water ; twelve councillors of state enter naked ; and, stalking 
along w T ith great gravity, each leaps into his jar, and im- 
merses himself up to his chin, and in this pretty attitude 
they deliberate on national affairs." "You do not smile," 
continued the minister of state to the noble lord who sat next 
him. " Smile ! — no," answered his lordship. " I see every 
day things more ridiculous than that." "Pray, what?" 
returned the minister. "A country," replied the nobleman, 
" where the jars alone sit in council." 



Michael Angelo, in his picture of the last judgment in 
the Pope's Chapel, painted among the figures in hell that 
of a certain cardinal, who was his enemy, so like that every- 
body knew it at first sight. The cardinal complained to 
Pope Clement the Seventh, and desired that it might be 
defaced. " I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory : 
but not out of hell" replied his Holiness. 
4 



38 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

BIRMINGHAM TASTE. 
When Handel's L' Allegro and II Penseroso were exhibited 
at Birmingham, a few years ago, the following passage (as 
Mr. Wharton says, "for obvious reasons") was more ap- 
plauded than any in the whole performance : 

" Such notes as warbled to the string 
Drew iron tears down Pluto's cheek." 



A person was boasting that he was sprung from a high 
family in Ireland. "Yes," said a bystander. "I have seen 
some of the same family so high that their feet could not 
touch the ground." 



An anecdote is told of a Jacobite gentleman, of the name 
of Cochrane, who, being applied to for permission to take a 
stone from his quarry, near Falkirk, to serve as a headstone 
for Sir Robert Monro, of Foulis, answered, " Od, I'll gie ye 
headstanes for them a', an' ye like;" meaning all Sir Rob- 
ert's party. 

ORIGIN OF THE TERM TONTINE. 
The word Tontine is only a cant word, derived from the 
name of an Italian projector. This was one Laurence Tonti, 
a creature of Cardinal Mazarin, who, finding the people 
extremely out of humor with his eminency's administration, 
imagined he could reconcile them by a proposal of making 
people rich in an instant, without trouble or pains. His 
scheme was a lottery of annuities, with survivorship, which 
he proposed in 1653, with the consent of the court ; but the 
parliament would not register the edict. Three years after. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 39 

he tried his project again, for building a stone bridge over the 
Seine, when it had both the favor of the court and the sanc- 
tion of parliament, under the title of Banque Royale, but it 
failed again ; for. somebody having given it the unlucky name 
of Tontine, nobody in Paris would trust his money in a lot- 
tery that had an Italian title. The last attempt poor Tonti 
made was to get his plan adopted by the clergy for the pay- 
ment of their debts ; but, though they acknowledged the 
ingenuity of it, they rejected it, as unfit for their purpose. 

Such was the invention of the Tontine. We will now 
show when it first came into use. When Louis XIV. was 
distressed by the league of Augsburg, and granted money 
beyond what the revenues of the kingdom would furnish, for 
supplying his enormous expenses, he had recourse to the 
plans of Tonti, which, though long laid aside, were not for- 
gotten ; and, by an edict in 1689, created a Tontine Royale 
of one million four hundred thousand livres annual rent, 
divided into fourteen classes. The actions were three hundred 
livres apiece, and the proprietors were to receive ten per cent., 
with benefit of survivorship in every class. The scheme was 
executed but very imperfectly ; for none of the classes rose to 
above twenty-five thousand livres, instead of one hundred 
thousand, according to the original institution, though the 
annuities were very regularly paid. A few years after, the 
people seeming in better humor for projects of this kind, 
another Tontine was erected upon nearly the same terms ; but 
this was never above half full. They both subsisted in the 
year 1726, when the French king united the thirteenth class 
of the first Tontine with the fourteenth of the second, all the 
actions of which were possessed by Charlotte Bonnemay, 
widow of Lewis Barbier, a surgeon of Paris, who died at the 
age of ninety-six. This gentlewoman had ventured three 



40 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

hundred livres in each Tontine ; and in the last year of her 
life she had for her annuity seventy-three thousand five hun- 
dred livres, or about three thousand six hundred pounds a 
year, for about thirty pounds. 



EXTEMPORE PREACHING. 
A low English pasquinading pamphlet upon the Scottish 
nation, printed in the year 1701, says, " They are foes to all 
copy-hold tenures in divinity, and will much rather preach 
extempore nonsense than give sound sermons from notes. * 
In the time of King James I., after his coming to England, 
one of his own country thus accosted him : ' Sir,' said he, ' I 
am sorry to see your majesty so dealt with by your prelatical 
tantivies as you are. Alas ! they can neither preach nor pray 
but by the beuk; if your majesty will please hear me, I'se 
do baith without.' And so he did, till the king told him l he 
preached and prayed as if he had never leuked in a beuk in 
his whole life.' " 



Dr. Johnson, being in company with Boswell, was 
remarking that the Scotch, previous to the union, were little 
better than savages, without the accommodations of civilized 
life, when the following dialogue took place: Boswell. " We 
had wine before the union." Johnson. "No, sir; you had 
some weak stuff, the refuse of France, which would not make 
you drunk." Boswell. " I assure you, sir, there was a great 
deal of drunkenness." Johnson. "'No, sir; there were peo- 
ple who died of dropsies, which they contracted in trying to 
get. drunk." 

* The pamphlet ends with the following couplet : 

" The tilings that are abominated there 
Are clean shirts, swine's flesh, and the common prayer." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 41 

BATTLE OF PROVERBS. 
The following anecdote is related of the Duke of Lau- 
derdale: "This nobleman, when first minister of state, was 
invited to dinner by the then Lord Chancellor [probably 
Rothes], and as splendidly entertained as the poverty of the 
country w r ould permit. At taking leave, says he, ' My lord, 
I 'se con you muckle thanks for your generous and noble 
treat, which puts me in mind of a proverb we have in use 
amongst us, namely, That feuls make feasts, and wise men 
eat them. The other, loth to be outdone in point of civility, 
replied, ' You say very true, my lord ; and it is as true that 
wise men make proverbs, and feuls repeat them. 7 " 



LOUIS XVI. 
On the day that this prince, with his family, was brought 
back from Varennesj it is asserted that from Strasburgh to 
Paris there were more than five hundred thousand persons 
under arms. The king, on this occasion, taking a part in the 
extraordinary spectacle, smiled on the people, and, with much 
ingenuousness, said, ""Well, here I am! " 



THE FAITHFUL SLAVE. 

"When Capt. Payne had fallen on the deck of his vessel, 
by the severe wound he received, his waiting-man, who was 
passionately attached to him, started up, and, seizing a pike, 
exclaimed, " You have killed my master, and I will revenge 
him!" and instantly ran the British lieutenant of marines 
through the body. He then leaped overboard, and, amid a 
shower of shot, swam safe and triumphant to the American 
shore. 

4* 



42 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

M. ADAM, 

An advocate of Toulouse, usually composed the speeches 
which were to be delivered by the president. It happened 
that, during the absence of the advocate, an occasional speech 
was required, which the president composed as well as he 
could. When he was delivering it, a counsellor, who observed 
him embarrassed, cited these words from Genesis: "Adam, 
iibi es ? " — " Adam, where art thou? " 



PRINCESS OF CONTI. 
This princess (daughter of Louis XIV.), speaking to the 
ambassador of Morocco, expressed her disapprobation of the 
plurality of wives allowed by Mahomet. "We should only 
require one each," replied the courteous ambassador, " if they 
were all like your highness." 



MADAME DE STAEL. 

At the time that Madame de Stael was writing " Memoirs 
of her Life," a friend asked her how she should depict herself 
w r hen she came to that part of her life where adventures of 
gallantry formed so conspicuous a part. " ! " said she, " I 
shall represent myself only as a bust." 



APOLOGIES FOR SHABBINESS. 

A respectable public functionary in Dundee, of parsimo- 
nious habits, w T as one day rallied by a friend from the country 
upon the extreme shabbiness of his attire. "Hoot, man," 
answered the baillie, "its nae matter; everybody kens me 
here; " meaning that, his character being perfectly known in 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 43 

the place, it was quite unnecessary that he should fortify his 
pretensions by fine clothes. It happened that the same friend 
met him afterwards in the streets of London, and, finding 
his clothes no better, expressed still greater surprise than 
before, adding that surely his former excuse would not now 
avail him. "Hoot, man," answered the pertinacious miser, 
u naebody kens me here ! " 



A JACOBITE EPIGRAM. 

It was formerly a custom of the magistrates of Edinburgh, 
on the king's birth-day, to erect a stage, or theatre as it was 
called, at the Cross, upon which they assembled, and in sol- 
emn style drank his majesty's health. During the perform-, 
ance of this ceremony, in the year 1748, it happened that 
there came on a dreadful thunder-storm, which compelled the 
company to make a hasty retreat into one of the neighboring 
houses, where they remained till the air again became clear. 
On their returning to complete the interrupted solemnity, it 
was found that the rain, in their absence, had dabbled all the 
wine out of their glasses, leaving only water behind. Upon 
this incident a Jacobite wrote an epigram, the first stanza of 
which recounted the miracle of the water converted into wine 
at the marriage of Cana. and the second proceeded thus : 

"But when, to drink great Brunswick's health, 
Our tribunes mounted le theatre, 
Heaven would not countenance their mirth, 
But turned their claret into water." 



The settled aversion Dr. Johnson felt towards an infidel 
he expressed to all ranks and at all times, without the small- 



44 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

est reserve; for, though on common occasions he paid the 
greatest deference to birth or title, yet his regard for truth 
and virtue never gave way to meaner considerations. We 
talked of a dead wit one evening, and somebody praised him. 
" Let us never," said he, "praise talents ill-employed, sir. 
We foul our mouths by commending such infidels." " Allow 
him the lumieres, at least," entreated one of the company. 
"I do allow him, sir, just enough to light him to hell," was 
the reply. 

COCK-CROWING. 

Danas, Bishop of Laveur, who assisted at the Council of 
Trent, having prescribed in one of his discourses rules for the 
conduct of the Sovereign Pontiff, a cardinal interrupted the 
bishop by saying " G alius cantatP Danas answered im- 
mediately, "Ultinam ad Galli cantum petras resissceret" 
and continued his discourse. 



HAPPY RETORT. 
A Florentine ignoramus was ridiculing Magliabechi on 
his great age : the learned man replied, "An ass is older at 
twenty than a man at sixty years." 



A beggar, one day, said to the Emperor Maximilian, 
" We are all children of the same Father," as an incitement to 
bestow an alms. The emperor gave him a trifle. " This is a 
very little for a monarch," said the beggar. " True," replied 
the emperor, "but if every one of your brothers gave you as 
much, you would be richer than I." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 45 

A certain preacher having changed his religion, was 
much blamed by his friends for having deserted them. To 
excuse himself, he said he had seven reasons ; and, being asked 
what they were, replied, "A wife and six children." 



A Broadway fop asked a friend what apology he should 
make for not being one at the party the day before, to which 
he had a card of invitation. " 0, my dear sir," replied the 
wit, " say nothing about it ; you were never missed." 



When the Persian ambassador was in England, he was 
paid a handsome compliment by Captain Topham. As he 
was showing the many wounds he had received in the wars 
against the Turks, the captain said that his excellency's skin 
would sell for little or nothing, it had so many holes in it. 



A gentleman dining with a friend, observing the top dish 
of fish was not quite so fresh as might have been wished, took 
one, and put it to his mouth and then to his ear. The lady of 
the house having asked him the reason, he answered, " I had 
a brother who was shipwrecked the day before yesterday ; so 
I was asking if the fish could give information concerning his 
body, to which it replied it knew nothing of the transaction, 
not having been at sea these three weeks." 



Parents who are ignorant of their duty will be taught, 
by the misconduct of their children, what they ought to have 
done. 



46 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

CASTING EEFLECTIONS. 

In the late Professor Hill's class, the gilded buttons of one 
of the students happened to reflect the rays of the sun upon 
the professor's face, who, as may be supposed, ordered the 
gentleman to give over throwing reflections on him. The 
student, totally ignorant of the matter, with the utmost sim- 
plicity said, "That he would be the last in the class who 
would cast reflections on the professor." 



Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him 
violently : "I allow no person to kill game on my manor, but 
myself; and I'll shoot you, if you come here again." 
"What!" said the other, "I suppose you mean to make 
game of me." 

A man without modesty is lost to all sense of honor and 
virtue. 

A great chance in life is like a cold bath in winter, — we 
all hesitate at the first plunge. 

The best government is that in which the law speaks 
instead of the lawyer. 

Vice can never know itself and virtue ; but virtue knows 
both itself and vice. 

Moderation is commonly firm, and firmness is commonly 
successful. 

We hope to grow old, and yet we fear old age ; that is, we 
are willing to live, and afraid to die. 

Absence diminishes moderate passions, and increases great 
ones, as the wind extinguishes tapers and adds fury to fire. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 47 

THE SHEPHERD AT SEA. 

WITH RELIGIOUS REFLECTIONS. 

On a summer's evening a shepherd, from a little emi- 
nence, beheld the adjacent sea ; the winds were hushed, the 
waves had lost their motion ; at a little distance he perceived 
boats and vessels, which seemed in perfect security to sport 
upon the surface. Struck with the beauty and novelty of the 
appearance, he forgot the pleasures of a rural life, forgot all 
he had heard of the dangerous and deceitful ocean ; he 
exchanged his flock for merchandise, and embarked before he 
repented his rashness. A sudden storm arose ; the sea, no 
longer serene, but like a tiger roused from sleep, assumed the 
appearance of an enraged enemy, and threatened him with 
death in every wave. In fine, he lost his bark, he lost his 
goods ; and it was beyond his hopes that, half drowned and 
fainting, he himself escaped alive to land. He became wise by 
his misfortune, and gladly returned to the life of a shepherd. 
The next time he saw the sea, it was again smooth and silent 
as at first ; but he beheld it unmoved. " It is in vain," says 
he, " to think to deceive me again ; I have no mind to suffer 
a second shipwreck." 

THE WATCHMAN. 

Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town 
in Ireland, in a lonely street, and took away his money and 
coat. He immediately repaired to the captain of the regi- 
ment, to complain of his misfortune. The captain asked him 
whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he was 
robbed by the soldiers. " Yes, sir," replied the poor fellow. 
" Then, my friend," rejoined the captain, " I can assure you 
they do not belong to my company ; otherwise they would 
have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt." 



48 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A dispute arising relative to the best mode of dressing a 
beef-steak, the controversy was determined by one of the 
disputants giving Shakspeare as an authority. " If when 
'twere done, 'twere well done, then 'twere well it were 
done quickly" 



The Marquis de Grance, returning from the army ex- 
tremely dirty, immediately repaired to court. The lords in 
waiting observed that he had the appearance of a groom. 
" Acknowledged," said the marquis, " and I shall curry 
your hides instantly." 



An epicure requested his landlord to get him a spare rib. 
The innkeeper declared he had none, saving one, and that was 
a very crooked rib, which he should be glad enough to spare 



As a boy was leading a calf with both hands, a nobleman 
happened to pass by upon the high- way ; the boy, it seems, 
minded the calf more than the lord, and went drudging on, 
without moving his hat. " Why, sirrah," says the nobleman, 
" have you no more manners than to stand staring me in the 
face, with your hat on ? " " Alas," says the boy, " I '11 put 
off my hat with all my heart, if your lordship will but alight, 
and hold my calf in the mean time." 



A FOP, introducing his friend, a plain man, into company, 
said, " Gentlemen, I'll assure you he is not so great a fool as 
he seems." "No," replied the gentleman, " that's the dif- 
ference between me and my friend." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 49 

POWERS OF A PAINTER. 
One day the Duke of Tuscany was amusing himself in 
seeing Cortone painting, who was representing a child crying. 
"I'll soon make him change his note," cried out the painter. 
He then gave a touch of his pencil, and the same child 
appeared laughing ; again, by another stroke of the pencil, he 
represented him in his former state. "Thus, prince," said 
the artist, "you see how easy it is to make children either 
laugh or cry." 

SELF-EXAMINATION. 

Johnson, when about sixty-nine years of age, in order to 
ascertain whether his mental powers were impaired, deter- 
mined to try to learn a new language, and fixed upon the low 
Dutch. Finding he learned it with facility, he desisted, 
thinking the experiment had been sufficiently tried. Mr. 
Burke's ready discernment perceived, instantaneously, that 
it was not a fair trial, as the low Dutch is a language so 
near our own. Had it been one of the languages entirely 
different, he might, he said, be soon satisfied. 



IRISH GENTLEMAN AND MARK SUPPLE. 

"I have lost my appetite," said a gigantic Irish gentle- 
man, and an eminent performer on the trencher, to Mark 
Supple. "I hope," said Supple, "no poor man has found 
it, for it would ruin him in a week." 



In a single century, four thousand millions of human 
beings appear on the face of the earth, act their busy parts, 
and sink into its peaceful bosom. 



50 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



DEAF AND DUMB. 



The late Countess of Kenmore, who was a devout Catholic, 
passing one day, from her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, 
through a lane of beggars, who are there certainly the best 
actors in Europe in the display of counterfeit misery, her 
ladyship's notice was particularly attracted by one fellow 
apparently more wretched than all the rest, and she asked 
him, "Pray, my good man, what's the matter with you?" 
The fellow, who well knew her simplicity and benevolence, 
answered, "0, my lady, I'm deaf and dumb" "Poor 
man," replied the innocent lady, " how long have you been 
so?" "Ever since I had thefavo?*, last Christmas." The 
lady presented him with a half-crown, and went away piously 
commiserating his misfortunes. 



AN EDITOR'S LEAVE-TAKING. 

" The undersigned retires from the editorial chair with 
complete conviction that all is vanity. From the hour he 
started his paper to the present time, he has been solicited to 
lie upon every given subject, and can't remember ever having 
told a wholesome truth without diminishing his subscription 
list or making an enemy. Under these circumstances of 
trial, and having a thorough contempt for himself, he retires, 
in order to recruit his moral constitution." 



" Come here, you mischievous fellow." " Won't you whip 
me, father?" "No." "Will you swear you won't?" 
"Yes." "Then I won't come, father; for Parson Alwood 
says, 'He that will swear will lie.' 



? ?? 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 51 

EXCEPTIO FORMAT EEGULAM. 

Soon after the publication of Mr. Home's ** History of the 
Rebellion of 1745," a clergyman in Roxburghshire, who had 
read the book, happened to mention, at a presbytery dinner, 
that the author gave a very amusing account of the conduct 
of the volunteers who took arms for the defence of Edinburgh 
against Prince Charles' approaching army, none of whom, 
when the hour of danger arrived, could be prevailed upon by 
their officer to stir a step. Mr. Patten, the minister of 
Crailing, here interrupted his brother, with good-humored 
warmth, — " Home,*' said he, " does not play us fair there ; 
I can attest that I was one of seven who marched to the 
TF 'est Port!" 



HOX. JOHX FORBES. 



Admiral Forbes was remarkable, above all other men, 
for his extensive and universal knowledge. His meritorious 
deeds, detailed, would fill a volume. One or two anecdotes 
we shall give of him, a just tribute to the memory of departed 
greatness. When the warrant for executing Admiral Byng 
was offered for signature at the admiralty board, Admiral 
Forbes refused to sign it, at the same time humbly laying at 
his majesty's feet his objections. 



A tar half seas over, swaggering into an auction-room. 
and hearing the auctioneer bawling out two or three times, 
11 Who bids more than ninepence half-penny 7 " asked, :: May 
we bid what we please?' 3 "0, yes," replied the seller, 
•'•anything you please, sir,'*' "Why then," said Jack, - ; I 
bid you a good-night, and be hanged to you ! " 



52 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A DOUBLE BULL. 

Two gentlemen passing a blackberry-bush when the fruit 
was unripe, one said it was ridiculous to call them black ber- 
ries, when they were red. " Don't you know," said his friend, 
" that blackberries are always red when they are green ? " 



Piovano Arlotto, a famous Italian priest, and a great 
traveller, being on the point of embarking on a voyage, was 
solicited by several of his friends to purchase a variety of 
things for them in the country he was going to visit. The 
curate received all their commissions with great politeness, 
put the memorandum in his pocket-book very carefully, and 
promised to oblige every friend. At his return, they all 
crowded round him to receive their purchases ; but, to their 
surprise, he had executed but one single commission. This 
partiality affronting all the rest, he made his apology in the 
following speech : "Gentlemen, when I set sail I laid all your 
memorandums on the gallery of the ship, to peruse them, that 
I might put them in order to be executed regularly ; when 
suddenly a squall arose, which blew them overboard, and it 
was impossible for me to remember their divers contents." 

" However," replied one of them, " you have brought Mr. 

his silks." "Very true," says Piovano; "but the reason is 
that he enclosed in his memorandum a number of ducats^ 
the weight of which prevented it from being carried away by 
the wind with yours." 



" Grammar-class, come up. How is grammar divided ? " 
" Why, grammar is divided into Ornithology, Etymology, 
Swintax and Mahogany." 



0XE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 53 

A PUN WHISTLED. 
A YOUNG Scotchman visiting London with his father, and 
being much given ^o punning, his father often reproved him 
for it. and expressed a wish that he would endeavor to leave 
it off entirely, and. if possible, display a little genuine wit 
One day. taking a walk together, they passed Newgate, 
where a man was confined in the stocks, with his head firmly 
jammed in between two ponderous blocks of wood. An 
excellent pun. strictly in point, instantly occurred to the 
young man ; but, his father being present, he durst not come 
out with it ; so he contented himself with whistling the tune 
of * ; Through the wood. Laddie." 



TThex Dr. Johnson had completed his dictionary, Millar, 
the bookseller, and principal proprietor of the work, could not 
help expressing his joy upon the occasion in terms somewhat 
intemperate, as appears by the following acknowledgment of 
the receipt of the last sheet of the manuscript: " Andrew 
Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with 
the money for the last sheet of the copy of the dictionary, and 
thanks God he has done with him." To which Johnson 
returned this good-humored answer: "Samuel Johnson 
returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very 
glad to find (as he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has 
the grace to thank God for anything." 



Lucas de Keek, an Italian painter, resided in England, in 
the reign of Elizabeth. He was ordered by that princess to 
characterize the English in respect to their dress. He drew 
a man naked ; on the ground before him lay various pieces 



54 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

of cloth scattered about of divers colors ; in his hand he held 
a pair of shears ; from his mouth a label was pendent, on 
which these words were inscribed : 

*' I am an Englishman, and naked I stand here, 
Musing in my mind what garment I shall wear. ' ' 

The queen was delighted with the performance, commended 
his wit, and liberally rewarded him. 



ANECDOTE OF CHUECHILL. 

When Churchill finished his Rosciad, he waited on a well- 
known publisher with a copy, who was at that time busily 
employed in a work that made much noise in the world. The 
bookseller suffered so severely by the publication of poetry, 
that he was determined to have nothing more to do w T ith the 
rhyming pupils of Apollo, unless the author would make 
such a deposit as would secure him from any loss. This 
Churchill would not comply with. 

The bookseller recommended a worthy young man to him, 
who had just ventured his little fortune in the uncertain sea 
of ink, and would probably run the hazard of the publication. 
Churchill waited on him, and found everything to his w r ish. 

The publication was advertised, and five days elapsed before 
five copies were sold. 

Churchill w T as thunderstruck ; the bookseller was little 
less. At the end of four days more he called again, and 
found six copies had gone off ! The poet, conscious of the 
merit of his poem, was almost frantic, and hurried to a friend 
to acquaint him with his hard fortune. His friend, who was 
intimate with Garrick, posted to him in the morning, and 
informed him what a beautiful picture of his astonishing abil- 



OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 55 

ities there was exhibited in the Rosciad. Garrick swallowed 
the gilded pill instantly, sent for the poem, read it, and 
sounded its praises wherever he visited that day. The next 
evening the publisher had not a single copy left ; and in a 
few weeks so many editions went off, that Churchill found 
himself richer than any poet whose estate lay at that time in 
Parnassus. 



A countryman popped his head into a lottery-office, and 
seeing only one man sitting at the desk, asked him what he 
had for sale. To which the would-be wit replied, " Logger- 
heads.'' " Then, sir,'' says the countryman, " your trade is 
almost at an end, for I see you have but one left." 



An Irish gentleman being visited by a friend of his, was 
found a good deal ruffled : and, being asked the reason of it, 
said he had lost a new pair of black silk stockings out of his 
room, which cost him eighteen shillings, — but that he hoped 
he should get them again, for he ordered them to be cried, 
and offered a half-crown reward. His friend observed that 
the reward was too little for such valuable stockings. " Pho," 
said the Irishman, "I ordered the crier to say they were 
worsted." 



In a new-raised corps, a soldier lately observed to his com- 
rade, who was an Irishman, that a corporal was to be dismissed 
from the regiment. " Faith, and indeed,' 3 replied the Irish- 
man, " I hope it is the corporal who is so troublesome in 
our company." "What is his name?" replied the other. 
" Why, arrah, dear honey, it is Corporal Punishment, to 
be sure." 



56 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

CAUTIOUS PLEADING. 

An Irishman, at an assize in Cork, being arraigned for 
felony before Judge Monteney, was asked by whom he would 
be tried. " By no one/' says he. The jailer desired him to 
say, By God and his country. " I '11 not do it," says Paddy, 
" for I don't like it at all at all. my dear." " What 's that 
you say, honest man?" said the judge. " See there, now," 
says the criminal; " his lordship, long life to him ! calls me 
an honest man, and why should I plead guilty ? " u What do 
you say ? " replied the judge, in an authoritative voice. " I 
say, my lord, I won't be tried by God, at all, for he knows 
all about the matter ; but I will be tried by your lordship and 
my country." 

A certain lawyer had been laboring for his client in a 
long-winded speech, but the verdict was found against him. 
" Zounds!" exclaimed he, "I believe the jury have been 
inoculated for stupidity.''' " That may be," said his oppo- 
nent ; " but you, Mr.. Sergeant, seem to have had it the nat- 
ural wayP 

Sir George Saville was remarkably fond of sailing, 
and, pursuing his favorite amusement on the Humber, with 
an old fisherman, the vessel admitted a great quantity of 
water. Sir George, turning to the old man with great com- 
posure, asked him how much more water the boat would 
hold, before she would sink. " Half a bucket-full, an' 
please you, Sir George; " on which the sails were unfurled, 
and they came safe on shore. The old man being asked why 
he did not sooner apprize Sir George of his danger, replied, 
"Why, marry, I 'so an auld man, and thought I could not 
die in better company." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 57 



THE AUCTION. 



an auction at Cork, the following lots were put up for 
sale : One pewter and three flint wigs : a bell-metal chaff 
-■-■?, and a calimanco hog-trough ; a buckskin warming-pan, 
and a pewter looking-glass ; a japan cleaving beetle, a leather 
mattock, three silk hog's yokes, and a pinchbeck swill-tub ; 
four sheep-skin milk-pails, a lamb-skin grindstone, a canvass 
gridiron, a dimity coal-scuttle, a wooden timber-chain, and a 
brass cart-rope. 



SERGEANT DAYY. 



An Irish gentleman once appeared in the Court of King' 3 
Bench as surety for a friend in the sum of three thousand 
pounds. Sergeant Davy, though he well knew the responsi- 
bility of the gentleman, could not help his customary imper- 
tinence. " Well, sir, how do you make yourself to be worth 
three thousand pounds'?" The gentleman very deliberately 
specified the particulars up to two thousand nine hundred and 
forty pounds. "Ay," said Davy, "that is not enough by 
six::,"' "For that sum, 77 replied the other, " I have a note 
of hand of one Sergeant Davy, and I hope he will have the 
honesty soon to discharge it. 77 This set the court in a roar. 
The sergeant was for once abashed ; and Lord Mansfield 
said, "Well, brother, I think we may accept the bail. 77 



An Episcopal German prince, in the hearing of an honest 
peasant, swore so bitterly that the honest rustic could not 
forbear muttering that " he thought it not proper in a Chris- 
tian bishop. 77 • You are wrong, good man, 77 said the other; 
" I swear not as a bishop, but as a prince.'' ;> Very well,' 7 



58 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

said the peasant, "but when the devil takes the prince for 
swearing, what will become of the bishop ? " 



ADRIAN BROWER, 



The most eminent of the Dutch painters, in the sphere of 
broad humor, was actually taken by Frank Hals from begging 
in the streets, and instructed by him. His pieces are inimi- 
table in their way, representing his pot companions in the 
act of drinking, smoking tobacco, gaming, fighting, &c, per- 
formed with so delicate and free a pencil, so much of nature 
in his expression, such elegant drawing in the respective 
parts, and such good keeping in the whole altogether, that he 
is deemed superior in the humorous line. He was pleasant 
facetious and witty, in his cups, and was a strong advocate 
for a short life and a merry one. Resolving to proceed post- 
haste to his grave, by the help of brandy he arrived at his 
journey's end when he was only thirty years of age. On his 
death-bed he asked for a goblet of water, which he drank, 
saying, "We must reconcile ourselves to our enemies, when 
we are dying." 



ANECDOTE OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT. 

The city of Sidon having surrendered to Alexander, he 
ordered Hephsestion to bestow the crown on him whom the 
Sidonians should think most worthy of that honor. Hephses- 
tion being at that time resident with two young men of dis- 
tinction, offered them the kingdom ; but they refused it, tell- 
ing him that it was contrary to the laws of their country to 
admit any one to that honor who was not of the royal family. 
He then, having expressed his admiration of their disinter- 
ested spirit, desired them to name one of the royal race, who 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 59 

might remember that be received the crown through their 
hands. Overlooking many who would have been ambitious 
of this high honor, they made choice of Abdolonymus, whose 
singular merit had rendered him conspicuous even in the vale 
of obscurity. Though remotely related to the royal family, a 
series of misfortunes had reduced him to the necessity of cul- 
tivating a garden, for a small stipend, in the suburbs of the 
city. 

While Abdolonymus was busily employed in weeding his 
garden, the two friends of Hephsestion, bearing in their hands 
the ensigns of royalty, approached and saluted him king, 
informing him that Alexander had appointed him to that 
office, and requiring him immediately to exchange his rustic 
garb and utensils of husbandry for the regal robe and 
sceptre. At the same time, they urged him, when he should 
be seated on the throne, and have a nation in his power, not 
to forget the humble condition from which he had been 
raised. 

All this, at the first, appeared to Abdolonymus as an illu- 
sion of the fancy, or an insult offered to his poverty. He 
requested them not to trouble him further with their imperti- 
nent jests, and to find some other way of amusing themselves, 
which might leave him in the peaceable enjoyment of his 
obscure habitation. At length, however, they convinced him 
that they were serious in their proposal, and prevailed upon 
him to accept the regal office, and accompany them to the 
palace. 

X o sooner was he in possession of the government, than 
pride and envy created him enemies, who whispered their 
murmurs in every place, till at last they reached the ear of 
Alexander, who, commanding the new-elected prince to be 
sent for, required of him with what temper of mind he had 



60 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

borne his poverty. " Would to Heaven," replied Abdolony- 
mus, " that I may be able to bear my crown with equal mod- 
eration ; for, when I possessed little, I wanted nothing. 
These hands supplied me with whatever I desired." From 
this answer Alexander formed so high an idea of his wisdom, 
that he confirmed the choice w T hich had been made, and 
annexed a neighboring province to the government of Sidon. - 



MASS AND MESS. 



Fontenelle had a brother, an abbot. A gentleman asked 
him, one day, "What is your brother doing?" "My 
brother ? " said he ; " he is a priest." " Has he a living? " 
" No." " How does he employ himself? " "He says mass 
in the morning." " And in the evening ? " "In the even- 
ing," rejoins Fontenelle, " he don't know what he says." 



POLITICAL PRUDENCE. 



About the commencement of the rebellion of 1745, a man 
being asked by his friend what side he intended to espouse in 
the troubles that w r ere about to ensue, answered, " Faith, I 
shall take the side that the gallows is to be on." 



As a number of convicts w r ere passing from Newgate, 
handcuffed, two and two, sentenced to be shipped from Eng- 
land to America, the procession advanced w r ith great jollity, 
with fifes before them, playing " Through the Wood, Lad- 
die." A gentleman, who w 7 as spectator, could not help 
exclaiming, "Heavens! how can these poor wretches be so 
joyous, on such an occasion ? " One of the convicts over- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 61 

hearing him, replied, "Joyous? — Ay, so we are, master; and 
if you will but come with us, you will be quite transported" 



HIGHLAND THIEVES. 
Dugald M'Caul was a professed thief in the Highlands, 
and sometimes took young lads into his service as apprentices 
to the same business. "With one of these hopeful youths, 
who had recently engaged with him, he agreed one night to 
proceed upon an excursion, the apprentice to steal a wedder, 
and Dugald himself to steal kail. It was also agreed that 

o o 

they should, after being in possession of their booty, meet in 
the kirk-yard, where they were pretty sure of not being 
molested, as it got the name of being haunted by a ghost. 
Dugald, as may well be supposed, arrived first at the place 
of rendezvous, and, sitting on a grave-stone, amused himself 
with eating kail-custocks until the apprentice should arrive 
with the wedder. In a neighboring farm-house a cripple 
tailor happened to be at work : and the conversation having 
turned upon the story of the kirk-yard being haunted, the 
tailor boldly censured some young men present for not hav- 
ing the courage to go and speak to the supposed apparition, 
adding, that if he had the use of his limbs, he would have 
no hesitation in doing it himself. One of the young men, 
nettled at the tailor's remarks, proposed taking the tailor on 
his back to the kirk-yard ; and, as the tailor could not well 
recede from what he had said, off they went. The moment 
they entered the kirk-yard, Dugald M'Caul saw them; and, 
thinking it was the apprentice with a wedder on his back, he 
said, in a low tone of voice, as they approached him, " Is he 
fat? " " Whether he be fat or lean," cried the young man, 
"there he is to you!" and, throwing down the tailor, ran 
6 



62 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

off as hard as he could. To his utter astonishment, he found 
the tailor close at his heels, on entering the farm-house, — 
intense fear having supplied him with the long-lost use of his 
limbs, which it is said he retained ever after. 



MUTATIS MUTANDIS. 



An elderly fat gentleman, in discussing a warm beef-steak 
at a Highland inn, called to the waiting-boy, " Donald, bring 
me more bread, for I eat a great deal of bread to my 
steak." Donald answered, with much modest simplicity, 
"Ay, and please your honor, and ye eat a great deal of 
steak to your bread." 



HUGO ARNOT. 



Hugo Arnot one day, while panting with asthma, was 
almost deafened by the noise of a brawling fellow who was 
selling oysters below his window. "The extravagant ras- 
cal!" said Hugo, " he has wasted as much breath as would 
have served me for a month." 



An unprincipled debtor being informed by his friend that 
one of his creditors wished to receive the interest, as he 
could not obtain the principal^ he replied, with more wit. 
than honesty : " It is not my interest to pay the principal, 
nor my principle to pay the interest" 



An ordinary domestic clock having unfortunately run 
down, it was observed that it had come to an untimely end ! 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 63 

AUTHORITY. 

The following anecdote proves how much presence of mind 
in a man in office is necessary to check the insults of author- 
ity. One day, the Duke of Orleans, tired with the reiterated 
remonstrances made in relation to his arrangements about the 
mint, gave the magistrate who had been speaking to him this 
brutal answer. " Go, and be d d ! " The magistrate, with- 
out being disconcerted, replied, " Does your Highness com- 
mand that this answer should be registered ? " The prince, 
whom, this gravity brought to himself, changed his language, 
and expressed himself with the dignity that became him. 



MAGNANIMITY. 



The Chevalier de Menilles, being implicated in the con- 
spiracy against the Duke of Orleans, was thrown into prison. 
The allegation against him w r as, the not having betrayed those 
who had intrusted him with the secret. A Marquis of Me- 
nilles, of another family, went to the Duke of Orleans, to 
assure him that the chevalier was neither a relation nor friend 
of his. " So much the worse for you," replied the regent; 
" the Chevalier cle Menilles is a very gallant gentleman." 



EDMUND BURKE. 



Mr. Burke was about five feet ten inches high, well-made, 
and muscular ; of that firm and compact frame that denotes 
more strength than bulk. His countenance had, in his 
youth, been handsome. The expression of his face was less 
striking than one who had not seen him would have antici- 
pated. 



64 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

CRIMES AND PUNISHMENTS. 

The Bishop of Avranches discoursing with the Archbishop 
of Cambray on the subject of the code of criminal laws in 
France, approved, in contradiction to the archbishop, of the 
number of executions for capital offences. " I maintain," 
said he, " that such criminals are not fit to live." " But, my 
friend," replied Fenelon, "you do not reflect that they are 
still less fit to die." 



When Voltaire's tragedy of Algira was first performed, in 
1716, it was reported by many persons that it was not the 
work of Voltaire. " I hope the report is true," observed a 
wit. "Why?" asked another. "Because," replied the 
former, " w T e shall then have two good poets, instead of one." 



Col. Bodens, who was very fat, being accosted, by a man 
to whom he owed money, with a "how d'ye?" answered, 
"Pretty well, I thank you; you find I hold my own." 
"Yes, sir," rejoined the man, "and mine, too, to my sor- 
row." 



A boy who in term-time picked a pocket fled inside 
the bar for protection. He was asked the reason of this 
strange conduct, and replied that " in the multitude of coun- 
sellors there is safety." 



During the census in this city, an ancient dame returned 
herself as a " Congregational Decanter" — meaning, in cor- 
rect language, "dissenter." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES 65 

DEAN SWIFT. 

Dean Swift was one day in company, when the conversa- 
tion fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the 
house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing 
that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of 
ancient French extraction. When she had finished, "And 
now," said the Dean, " you will be so kind as to help me to 
a piece of that D'umpiing." 



THE HUSBAND'S FEAK. 

An Irishman, who had often experienced his wife's ill- 
humor, opposed her with no other weapon but silence. Where- 
upon a friend told him, "It is easily seen you are afraid of 
your wife." " It is not she that I am afraid of," replied the 
husband ; " it is the noise." 



An old Chevalier de Maltha, of ancient noblesse, but in 
low circumstances, was in a coffee-house at Paris, where was 
Julien, the great manufacturer at the Gobelins of the fine 
tapestry, so much distinguished both for the figures and col- 
ors. The chevalier's carriage was very old. Says Julien, 
with a plebeian insolence, " I think, sir, you had better have 
your carriage new painted." "Well, sir, you may take it 
home and dye it." All the coffee-house rejoiced at Julien's 
confusion. 



In a certain court of justice in Vermont, a sheriff, or crier, 
was ordered to call the defendant, or the cause would proceed 
ex parte. Not understanding the meaning of the words ex 
parte, he declared that it would proceed the next fair day. 

6* 



66 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

IRISHMAN AND TEA-KETTLE. 

The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day 
let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his 
master, " Arrah, an' plase your honor, can anything be said 
to be lost, when you know where it is ? " " Certainly not," 
replied the officer. " Why, then, by my soul and St. Pat- 
rick, your tea-kettle is safe, for it is at the bottom of the 
sea." 



DARKNESS visible. 



An Irishman, being at a town in the west of England on 
a winter night, observed to an inhabitant, rather shrewdly, 
" One thing is clear, that your town is very dark" 



ELOQUENCE. 



Mr. Burke's colleague for Bristol, it would appear, was 
not remarkable as an orator. It is reported that, after Mr. 
Burke had delivered one of his best speeches at Bristol, 
Cruger rose up, and exclaimed, "I say ditto to Mr. Burke; 
I say ditto to Mr. Burke." 



JAMES CHARLES FOX. 



Mr. Fox (afterwards Lord Holland) made it a rule, in 
the tuition of his children, to follow and regulate, but not 
restrain, nature. At table, Charles, when a boy, was per- 
mitted to enter into the conversation of men, and acquitted 
himself to the astonishment of all present. Perhaps the 
early habit of thinking with freedom, and speaking with read- 
iness, may have contributed to that prompt exertion of his 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTE-. G7 

great talents which makes a considerable part of his senato- 
rial excellence. When Mr. Fox waa Secretary of State, 
young Charles used to read his despatches; and when not 
ten years of age, one day told his father that a paper, which 
he had just read, was too feeble, and threw it into the fire. 
The secretary made out another copy, without the slightest 
reprimand. Most parents would agree in thinking that the 
father's indulgence, even to Charles Fox, was excessive. 
Few. very few, can have an opportunity of ascertaining its 
effects on such a subject. 



Two sailors, being in company together, were relating the 
most remarkable accidents that happened in their voyages. 
One swore they found it so excessively hot, going to Guinea, 
that they used no fire to boil their kettle, but dressed all their 
meat above deck, in the sunshine; and could bake, boil, fry 
or stew, as well as at a large fire. 

The other said, " I never was in so hot a climate as that ; 
but I have been so many degrees to the northward, where it 
has been so cold, it has frozen our words in our mouths, that 
we could not hear one another speak, till we came into a 
warmer latitude to thaw them ; and then all our discourses 
broke out together like a clap of thunder, that there was 
never such a confusion of tongues heard at Babel.*' 



When Marshal Tallard was riding with the Duke of 
Marlborough in his carriage, after the victory of Blenheim, 
" My Lord Duke," says the marshal, "you have had the 
honor of beating the best troops in the world."* " I hope,*" 
replied the duke, "you except those who have had the honor 
of beating them."' 



68 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A CURIOUS MANNER OF PUNISHING THOSE GUILTY OF A 
LIBEL, IN RUSSIA. 

We complain very heavily of the men who write libels ; 
but the method we take to punish has not the effect which is 
intended. It does not deter the offenders, nor terrify others 
from committing the same crime. Imprisonment, pillory, 
burning the libel, and some other things of the same sort, are 
what these gentlemen earnestly desire; it saves them the 
expense of advertising. They manage these things differently 
in Russia. A gentleman in Petersburg thought fit to pub- 
lish a quarto pamphlet, reflecting upon the unlimited power 
of the sovereign, and exposing the iniquity with which it was 
exerted. The offender was immediately seized, by virtue of a 
warrant signed by one of the principal officers of state, was 
tried in a summary w T ay, his book determined to be a libel, 
and he himself, as the author, condemned to eat his own 
words. The sentence was literally carried into execution. A 
scaffold was erected in the most public street in the town, the 
imperial provost was the executioner, and all the inferior mag- 
istrates attended the ceremony. The book was severed from 
the binding, the margins were cut off, and every leaf was 
rolled up in the form of a lottery-ticket when it was taken 
out of the wheel at Guildhall. The author was then fed 
with them separately by the provost. The gentleman had 
received a complete mouthful before he began to chew ; but 
he was obliged, upon pain of the severest bastinado, to swal- 
low as many of the leaves as the attendant surgeon thought 
it possible for him to do, without the immediate hazard of his 
life. 



A country squire introduced his baboon, in clerical 
habits, to say grace. A clergyman who was present imme- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 69 

diately left the table, asking ten thousand pardons for not 
remembering that his lordship's nearest relation was in 
orders. 

HISTORY OF ALCOHOL. 

Alcohol was invented nine hundred and fifty years ago, by 
the son of a strange woman, Hagar, in Arabia. Ladies used 
it with a powder to paint themselves, that they might appear 
more beautiful ; and this powder was called alcohol. During 
the reign of William and Mary an act was passed encouraging 
the manufacture of spirits. Soon after, intemperance and 
profligacy prevailed to such an extent that the retailers in 
intoxicating drinks put up signs in public places informing 
the people that they might get drunk for a penny, and have 
some straw to get sober on. 

In the sixteenth century distilled spirits spread over the 
continent of Europe. About this time it was introduced into 
the colonies, as the United States were then called. The 
first notice we have of its use in public life was among the 
laborers in the Hungarian mines, in the fifteenth century. 
In 1751 it was used by the English soldiers as a cordial. 
The alcohol in Europe was made of grapes, and sold in Italy 
and Spain as a medicine. The Genoese afterwards made it 
from grain, and sold it as a medicine in bottles, under the 
name of the water of life. Until the sixteenth century it 
had only been kept by apothecaries as medicine. During the 
reign of Henry VII. brandy was unknown in Ireland, and 
soon its alarming effect induced the government to pass a law 
prohibiting its manufacture. 

About one hundred and twenty years ago it w r as used as a 
beverage, especially among the soldiers in the English colo- 
nies in North America, under the preposterous notion that it 



70 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

prevented sickness, and made men fearless on the field of bat- 
tle. It was looked upon as a sovereign specific. Such is a 
brief sketch of the introduction of alcohol into society as a 
beverage. The history of it is written in the wretchedness, 
the tears, the groans, poverty and murder, of thousands. It 
has marched the land with the tread of a giant, leaving the 
impress of its footsteps in the bones, sinews and life's blood, 
of the people. 

NO PAY NO PLAY. 

When the first Musical Festival took place at Edinburgh, 
there was a great bustle, for some time before, among the 
musicians, and much fear was expressed lest there should not 
be a sufficient number of violin-players in town to fill that 
department of the orchestra. An old woman, who conducted 
a wretched performer — her husband — through the streets, 
and who thought, perhaps, that the Musical Festival would 
be an affair little better than a penny wedding, hearing of the 
great demand for fiddlers, remarked one day to a friend, 
" Faith, they'll no get our John, unless they pay him 
weel! " 



An Irish servant, being struck by his master, cried out, 
" Devil take me if I am certain whether he has killed me or 
no ; but, if I am dead, it will afford me great satisfaction to 
hear the old rogue was hanged for killing me." 



A gentleman, being jolted by a sailor, vociferated that he 
would give him a flogging. " No," says the son of Neptune, 
"you shan't give it to me; I will return it, and pay inter- 
est besides." 



OMB THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 71 

CAPITULATION. 

Some years ago, a gentleman in Galloway, when walking 
on his estate, observed a country boy rapidly mounting to the 
top of a very high tree, in search, no doubt, of a crow or 
pyet'a nest. Being concerned for the little fellow's safety, as 
well as anxious to banish such mischievous intruders from his 
plantations, he bawled out, "Ho, ye little scoundrel! what 
are you about there ? Come down immediately, and never 
let me see your face in this place again ! " The climber, 
nowise alarmed at this address, rested himself on a branch, 
and answered, very laconically, u Na; if I was to come 
doon, you would lick me." u No," said the gentleman, 
" although you well deserve to be punished, I won't beat you 
for this offence; so come down immediately." "Say as 
sure 's death ye '11 no lick me," rejoined the culprit, " and I '11 
come doon." " What, you impudent rogue ! do you presume 
to doubt my word, and treat me like one of your school- 
boys?" "Idinna ken," whimpered the pertinacious boy 
" but unless you say as sure 's death, I '11 no come doon the 
day." The gentleman, who was a distinguished humorist, 
had now great difficulty in preserving his gravity ; and, find- 
ing further remonstrance vain, he at last fairly capitulated 
with the enemy, and agreed to grant him his own terms, and 
to let him march off with all the honors of war. 



A gentleman, who had been very silly and pert in a 
lady's company, at last began to grieve at remembering the 
loss of his child, lately dead. A bishop, sitting by, advised 
him to make himself easy, because the child was gone to 
heaven. "I believe, my lord," said the lady, "'tis that 
which makes him grieve, because lie is sure never to see his 
child there." 



72 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

BLACK AS EVER. 

A gentleman crossing the water lately below Lime-house, 
where laborers were at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting 
to learn the price of coals in the Pool, hailed one of the men 
with " Well, Paddy, how are coals ? " " Black as ever, your 
honor," replied the Irishman, with a hearty laugh. 



PADDY AND THE GAME-COCKS. 

A gentleman, having engaged to fight a main of cocks, 
directed his feeder in the country, who was a son of the sod, 
to pick out two of the best, and bring them to town. Paddy, 
having made his selection, put the two cocks together into a 
bag, and brought them with him in the mail-coach. When 
they arrived it was found that upon their journey they had 
almost torn each other to pieces ; on which Paddy was se- 
verely taken to task for his stupidity in putting both cocks 
in one bag. " Indeed," said the honest Hibernian, "I 
thought there was no risk of their falling out, as they were 
going to fight on the same side." 



THE IRISH METHOD OF RUINING A BANKER. 

In a late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, Esq., a banker, 
and member for Dublin, rendered himself so very obnoxious 
to the rebels, in consequence of his vigilance in bringing them 
to punishment, that whenever they found any of his bank- 
notes, in plundering a house, the general cry was, " By 
Jasus, we'll ruin the rascal ! we'll destroy every note of his 
we can find ! " and they actually destroyed, it is supposed, 
upwards of twenty thousand pounds of his notes during the 
rebellion. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 73 

ODD PROCLAMATION FOR HOLDING A FAIR AMONG THE 
SCOTCH. 

OlKS! and that's e'e time; yes! and that's twa 
times; yes! and that's theird and last time. All man- 
ner of pearson or pearsons, "whosoever, let 'em draw near, 
and I shall let 'em kenn that there is a fair to be held at the 
muckle town of Langholm, for the space of aught days, 
wherein if any hustrin, custrin, land-lopper, dub-skouper, or 
gang-the-gate-swinger, shall breed any hurdam, durham, rab- 
blement, brabblement, or squabblement, he shall have his lugs 
tacked to the muckle throne, with a nail of a twa-a-penny, 
until he down on his hobshanks, and put up his muckle 
daups, and pray to hea'en neen times, — God bless the king, 
and thrice the muckle laird of Helton, paying a groat to me, 
Jemmy Ferguson, Bailly of the aforesaid manor. — So you 
heard my proclamation, and I '11 gang heam to my dinner. 



RISE OF THE CITY OF GLASGOW. 

The late Provost Cochrane, who was eminently wise, and 
who had been a merchant at Glasgow for near seventy 
years, being asked to what causes he imputed the sudden 
rise of the city of Glasgow, said it was all owing to four 
young men of talents and spirit, who started at one time in 
business, and whose success gave example to the rest. The 
four had not ten thousand pounds amongst them when 
they began. 

IRISH CAPITALS. 

The preceding anecdote was related by the Earl of Ches- 
terfield in answer to some observations as to the poverty of 
Ireland. His lordship was for maintaining " the chain of 

7 



74 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

causes and effects to be as absolute in the moral and political, 
as the natural world." Certainly the argument that, because 
the Irish have small capitals, they will not obtain trade, is an 
argument for children. 



LITERAKY ANECDOTE. 

The performance known by the name of " Burn's Trea- 
tise on the Office of a Justice of the Peace " was written by 
a poor clergyman in the north of England. He went to 
London to sell his manuscript, and inquired of the landlord 
at the inn where he lodged if he was acquainted with any 
bookseller. The master of the house introduced him to a 
person in the trade, who, after keeping the manuscript for 
examination eight days, at last offered him twenty pounds for 
it. After a variety of disappointments of the same kind, the 
author waited on Mr. Miller, who was rising fast in fame and 
fortune. He had sufficient strength of mind to see that 
" honesty was the best policy;" and, by treating every 
writer with justice, and often with generosity, he acquired a 
most opulent fortune. He had in his employment gentlemen 
in every different branch of learning, who were to report to 
him of the different books submitted to their inspection. The 
manuscript in question was transmitted to a Scotch student in 
the Temple, and Burn in the mean time received a general 
invitation to Mr. Miller's table. In eight or ten days the 
manuscript was returned to Mr. Miller, with a note that it 
would be an excellent bargain at two hundred pounds. Next 
day, after dinner, when the glass had begun to circulate, he 
asked Burn what was the lowest sum he would take. The 
poor man replied that the highest offer he had received was 
twenty pounds, — a sum too small to defray the expenses of 
his journey. " Will you accept of two hundred guineas?" 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 75 

said Mr. Miller. "Two hundred guineas!" cried the par- 
son, clapping his hands ; " I am extremely fortunate." The 
book went through many impressions, and Miller, of his own 
good will, paid the clergyman an hundred pounds additional 
for each of them. As the author loved port, the bookseller 
gave him a letter of credit for the purchase of a pipe of wine 
per annum, during the rest of his life, in any wine-cellar in 
London where he thought proper. "After all this," added 
Miller, in telling the story, "I have lived to clear eleven 
thousand pounds by the bargain." 



MAKING A WIFE A NURSE. 

A bachelor of seventy and upwards came one day to 
Bishop Alexander, of Dunkeld, and said he wished to be mar- 
ried to a girl of the neighborhood, whom he named. The 
bishop, a non-juring Scotch Episcopalian of the middle of 
the last century, and himself an old bachelor, inquired into 
the motives of this strange proceeding, and soon drew from the 
old man the awkward apology, that he married to have a 
nurse. Too knowing to believe such a statement, the good 
bishop quietly replied, " See, John, then, and mak her ane." 



TEXT FOR TEXT. 



The Duke of Bouillon, whom Louis XIII. had just par- 
doned for a conspiracy, met the Cardinal of Valette, who 
said to him, " Beati quorum remissa sunt iniquitates." 
— "Blessed are they whose sins are forgiven them." As 
this cardinal had been suspected of being also engaged in 
another conspiracy, the duke answered him, u Et quorum 
tecta sunt peccata" — "And under whose roof there are no 



76 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

faults." This answer is the more happy, as being chosen 
from the same Psalm. 



POPE ALEXANDER THE SIXTH, 

Having expended large sums in building a magnificent 
palace, the poor, "who suffered greatly, murmured at it, and 
"wrote these words upon the gates of it: " Die ut lapides 
isti panes jiantP — " Command that these stones be made 
bread." 



TWO REVEREND DRONES. 



A certain reverend drone in the country was complaining 
to another that it was great fatigue to preach twice a day. 
" 0," said the other, "I preach twice every Sunday, and 
make nothing of it." 



A DISTINCTION. 
An Irish gentleman, by way of complimenting the king, 
said, "That the only difference he knew between the Pope 
and his majesty was, that the first was infallible^ and the 
second could do no wrong." 



No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to 
himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting 
bewildered as to which may be the truer. 

If any inducement could influence angels to leave heaven 
to dwell on earth, it would be to associate with and wipe the 
tears of sorrow from the eyes of the fairest daughters of our 
world. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 77 

A FINE ANSWER. 

Shortly after his accession, Louis XIV.. then very young, 
asked one of the oldest of his courtiers which he liked best, 
the last age or the present. " Sire," answered he, "1 
passed my youth in respecting the old. and I now pass my 
old age in respecting the young.*' 



CHOICE OF DEATH. 



A court buffoon haying offended his sovereign, the mon- 
arch ordered him to be brought before him, and with a stern 
countenance reproached him. "Wretch! you shall receive 
the punishment you merit: prepare yourself for death." 
The culprit, in great terror, fell upon his knees, and cried for 
mercy. ' : I will extend no other mercy to you," said the 
prince, " except permitting you to choose what kind of death 
you will die. Decide immediately, for I will be obeyed." 
" I adore your clemency,"' said the crafty jester; "I choose 
to die of old age/"' 



MR. CURRAN. 

This celebrated orator, once passing through an obscure 
alley in Dublin, observing a broken pane patched by a page 
of a very dull book, exclaimed to his companions, " 'T is the 
first time, I believe, that the author has thrown light upon 
any subject" 



A melting sermon being one day preached in a country 

church, all the congregation fell a weeping, except one man, 

who begged to be excused, a3 he belonged to another 

parish. 

7* 



78 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

CAPTAIN GROSE 

Had illustrated the Antiquities of England and Wales, in 
four volumes quarto, and of Scotland, in two volumes. He 
was executing a work of the same kind relative to Ireland, 
when he died at Dublin, in May, 1791. He also published 
" A Provincial Glossary, with a Collection of Local Proverbs, 
&c," and a very eccentric performance, entitled, " A Clas- 
sical History of the Vulgar Tongue/'' He was a man of 
much humor, and remarkably familiar with his domestics. 
Though a military officer, his figure was so remarkably thick 
and short that he was supposed by many a kind of burlesque 
on the military character. He delighted much in punning 
upon his own figure, of which the following anecdote is an 
instance, as it is also a proof of his familiarity and good- 
nature. In a culinary tete-a-tete with his housekeeper, she 
thus expostulated with him : " Sir, as you are inclinable to be 
fat, you should not eat food of a nourishing kind; you should 

, w "You jade," replied he, "I am not inclinable to 

be fat; that I am fat is wholly against my inclination; I 
consider it as a misfortune to be fat. For the future, there- 
fore, remember that I am disinclined to be fat." 



BAUCHIE LEE. 



Before the Bridge of Dalserf, in Lanarkshire, was built, 
about forty years ago, a ferry-boat was kept there by one 
Bauchie Lee, a rough, uncultivated being, but possessed of 
great shrewdness and humor. The late Earl of Hyndford 
(the last of the title) had occasion very frequently to pass 
the ferry, when he generally gave Bauchie a shilling, 
although the charge was only one penny. His lordship 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 79 

cracked many a joke with Bauchie, who, in return, used a 
good deal of freedom : but the former, on a particular occa- 
sion, determined to give the ferryman a puzzler. So, accord- 
ingly, having got across the river, his lordship leapt out of the 
boat -without so much as putting his hand into his pocket. 
Bauchie, apparently thunderstruck at the occurrence, for a 
while eyed the earl, who, before he had gone many paces, 
was interrupted with the vehement vociferation of, " My lord ! 
I have only to say to your lordship, that if you have lost 
your purse, recollect it has not been in my boat." The good 
earl laughed heartily, retraced his steps, and rewarded 
Bauchie with a double gift. 



ANECDOTE OF A HISTORIAN. 

Mr. Dayid Hume often met with illiberal treatment from 
the clergy of Scotland, who took every opportunity to asperse 
his character, on account of his free opinions. Observing a 
certain zealot of this class always leave the room when he 
entered it, he one day took an opportunity to address him as 
follows : "I am surprised, friend, to find you express an 
aversion to me ; I would wish to be upon good terms with 
you here, as it is very probable we shall be both doomed to 
the same place hereafter : you believe I shall be damned for 
want of faith, and I fear you will be damned for want of 
charity." 



A person said to a physician, " Well, doctor, Mr. B. is 
dead, notwithstanding you promised to cure him." The doctor 
replied, " You were absent, sir ; you did not follow the pro- 
gress of the cure. He died mired." 



80 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ANECDOTE OF LORD SOMERS AND MR. JOHNSTONE. 

Lord Somers, when Chancellor, hired a little house near 
Twickenham Common, in which parish Mr. Johnstone, Secre- 
tary of State for Scotland, built that beautiful villa, late in 
the possession of Sir George Peacock. The Chancellor of 
England invited the Secretary of Scotland to a convivial 
dinner, and the- secretary, during dinner, entertained the com- 
pany with a long story of a countryman of his own, conclud- 
ing with " Notwithstanding all this, he was a d — d knave." 
"What!" in a start, exclaimed Somers ; "you, Mr. John- 
stone, declare a Scotchman to be a knave? " " Take no heed 
about that, sir," says the secretary; "for, as I shall answer 
to the Lord, we have more knaves in Scotland than ye have 
honest men in England." 



TRUCKLE-BEDS 

Among the furniture of our old colleges, truckle-beds are 
very frequently enumerated. Shakspeare, painting (it is 
presumed) the manners of his own times, makes the truckle- 
bed part of the furniture of his facetious knight. (Merry 
Wives of Windsor, act iv. scene 5) ; and Hall, who wrote 1597, 
satirizing a " gentle squire" and a domestic tutor, represents 
it as the first condition requisite in the latter, 

" That lie sleep upon the truckle-bed, 
While his young maister lieth o'er his head." 



RINGS. 
The use of rings is of high antiquity in Ireland. In a 
translation of a fragment of Icelandic history, entitled " A 
Voyage from Ireland to Iceland," in the possession of the 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 81 

Earl of Moira, an Irish princess, resident in Iceland, presents 
to her son, on the eve of his departure for Ireland, a ring, 
saying, " My father made a present of this gold ring to me on 
the appearance of my first tooth ; I hope that he will know it 



JOURNEY OF CHARLES I. INTO SPAIN, IN 1623. 

It appears by the Inrollment Book in the office for audit- 
ing the public accounts, vol. in. fol. 175, that the prince's 
expenses for his journey into Spain, during his abode there, 
and for his return from thence, amounted to fifty thousand 
and twenty-seven pounds ; which was paid in part out of the 
king's exchequer, and in part out of the prince's treasury. 



SEDITIOUS SERMONS. 

In the year 1622, the Privy Council, by the direction of 
King James, wrote to the university concerning a wicked 
sermon preached by one Knight, who sheltered himself under 
the doctrine taught by Parens in his Commentary on the loth 
chapter of Eomans, which the bishops had declared seditious, 
scandalous, and contrary to the Scriptures. The heads of the 
University were, therefore, enjoined to stop such doctrines, 
and to search all the libraries, and in case any such books 
were found there to burn them. 



DUTCH HOSPITALITY. 
An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, 
being asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland, 
"0 yes," he replied, " too much; I was in the hospital 
almost all the time I was there." 



82 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

AN IRISH WARNING. 

"Do not send for Dr. S ," said Captain O'Neal; 

" do not send for Dr. S. ; for he once attended a young 

officer of our regiment, and, upon my conscience, he stuffed 
the poor lad so unmercifully with potions and draughts, that 
he continued sick for a fortnight after he was quite well." 



SUWARROW. 



The singularity of his manners is as striking as the eccen- 
tricity of his mind. He retires to rest at six in the evening, 
and rises at two in the morning, when he bathes himself in 
cold water, or causes pails of water to be thrown over his 
naked body. He dines at eight, and his dinner, like his 
breakfast, consists of the coarsest and commonest food of the 
soldiers, and brandy ; a man trembles to be invited to such a 
repast. Often, in the middle of the entertainment, one of his 
aids-de-camp rises, and, approaching him, forbids him to eat 
anymore. "By whose order am I forbidden?" demands 
Suwarrow. " By order of the Marshal Suwarrow himself," 
answers the aid-de-camp. Suwarrow, rising, then says, " He 
must be obeyed." In the same manner, he causes himself to 
be commanded in his own name to walk, or do any other 
necessary thing. 



A METHOD OF SUPPRESSING A MOB WITHOUT BLOODSHED. 

In the year 1792 the women of Toulon declared them- 
selves in a state of insurrection, and, assembling in great 
crowds, threatened to hang the magistrates, if they did not 
lower the price of sugar. The procurator Snydic at first 
laughed at their threats, but the multitude refusing to dis- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 83 

perse, he assembled the Council General of the commune, and 
ordered the fire-engines, with a plentiful supply of water 
mixed with soot, to be drawn out in battle array. By a 
vigorous discharge of this smutty artillery, the insurgents in 
petticoats were completely routed, and retired peaceably to 
their homes. 

AN IEISH HAND-BILL. 

The following remarkable hand-bill was printed and stuck 
up in several parts of the city of Dublin : " This is to certify, 
that I, Daniel 0' Flanagan, am not the person that was tarred 
and feathered by the liberty mob on Tuesday last ; and I am 
ready to give twenty guineas to any one that will bet me 
fifty that I am the other man who goes by my name. Wit- 
ness my hand, this 30th of July. — Dan. 0' Flanagan." 



WIGS. 



It is said that the first person by whom a wig was worn 
in Ireland was a Mr. Edmund O'Dwyer, who lost his estate 
by joining in opposition to Cromwell's forces. He was known 
by the appellation of " Edmund of the Wig. : 



, ?? 



An Irish gentleman, having a party to meet at a tavern, 
exclaimed, on arriving (finding the room empty), " So I am 
first, after all.*' The waiter informed him that he was mis- 
taken ; that his friends had been there, but were gone. 
" Very well,'' replied the Hibernian, " then I have made no 
mistake : for, as they were all here before me, surely I was 
right in saying I was first, after all" 



84 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

THE "SHIPWRECK" OF AND BY WILLIAM FALCONER. 

Perhaps the incidents connected with the fortunes of this 
amiable, accomplished and ingenious writer, are unexampled. 
It is to the honor of Scotland, so prolific in great literary tal- 
ents, that William Falconer was a native of that country. 
He published, in 1762, a charming pathetic poem, called 
"The Shipwreck," formed on a disaster which happened to 
himself some years before. Had he not experienced the perils 
which he so feelingly describes in that poem, he could not 
possibly have related them with so much pathos. It is very 
remarkable that, in the second calamity of the same kind, he 
probably lost his life ; for he went out, in 1769, in the Aurora 
frigate, which was never heard of after sailing from the Cape 
of Good Hope for the East Indies. Mr. F. was secretary to 
the supervisors who were on board. 



Two brothers having been sentenced to death, one was 
executed first. "See!" the other brother said, "what a 
lamentable spectacle my brother makes ! In a few minutes I 
shall be turned off, — and then you will see a pair of spec- 
tacles ! " 



A coachmaker, remarking the fashionable stages of car- 
riages, said that a sociable was all the ton during the honey- 
moon, and a sulky ever after. 



"You are always yawning ! " said a woman to her hus- 
band. " My dear friend," replied he, " the husband and wife 
are one, and when I am alone I grow weary." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 85 

A Frenchman, calling at a federal tavern for a gill of 
wine, which was brought him, observed that the quantity was 
very small, and that it was the custom in France to bring 
liquor in a measure. "Ay," said the landlord, "but we 
don't wish to introduce French measures here." 



A very plain man was acting the character of Mithridates 
on a French theatre, when Momma said to him, "My lord, 
you change countenance." A young fellow in the pit cried, 



" For Heaven's sake, let him ! " 



Envy shoots at others, and wounds itself. 

Praise makes a wise man modest, a fool arrogant. 

He is unworthy to live who lives only for himself. 

Discovery often becomes a crime, and doubt of established 
error, treason. 

The defects of the mind, like those of the face, grow worse 
as we grow old. 

Better is a poor and wise child, than an old and foolish 
king, who will no more be admonished. 

Introduce changes in your reading and studies. Who 
reads but little at a time retains that little the better. 

Youth endures nothing more easily than poverty, if only a 
love, either of a heart or a science, illuminate its dark 
present. 

To answer a bully with the courteousness of a gentleman, 
is like defending yourself with a foil against a two-handed 

sword. 

8 



86 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

An impudent fellow from Scotland was described to Dr. 
Johnson, as affecting to be a savage, and railing at established 
systems. He observed, " There is nothing surprising in this. 
He wants to make himself conspicuous. He would tumble in 
a hog-sty so long as you looked at him and called to him to 
come out. But let him alone ; never mind him, and he will 
soon give it up." 

During the engagement between the American frigate 
Constellation and the French national frigate La Vengeance, 
an American sailor, intent on nothing but capturing the 
Frenchman, exclaimed, " Blast it, lieutenant, don't put any 
more balls in the guns; you will spoil the prize." 



An Irish painter declares, in an Irish journal, that, among 
other portraits, he has a representation of Death, as large as 
life. 



A French actress recited imprecatory verses with terrible 
gestures, but as soon as she had done her face remained 
quite composed, without dumb play. Mr. Garrick said of 
her, " She is a good girl ; she puts herself in a terrible pas- 
sion, but she bears not the least shadow of malice." 



A little boy having been much praised for his quickness 
of reply, a gentleman observed when children were so keen in 
their youth they are generally stupid and dull as they ad- 
vance in years. " What a very sensible boy you must have 
been, sir, then ! " replied the child. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 87 

EXAGGERATION OUT-EXAGGERATED. 

Nothing is more common than to make extravagant and 
improbable assertions, as if a rational conversation could not 
be supported but by the marvellous. The best answer that 
can be made to such is, if possible, to exceed the absurdity. 
A gentleman was boasting, in company with Boursault, of his 
very strong sight, and, just at the moment, looking through 
the window, said, " I can discern from hence a mouse on the 
top of that high tower." " I do not see it/ 7 answered Bour- 
sault, " but I hear it running. " 



IMITATING HANNIBAL. 

The magistrates of Marseilles having, on some great pub- 
lic anniversary, waited on Henry IV. of France, and prepared 
for the purpose a long and learned harangue, which, for the 
greater satisfaction of the king (who loved brevity and de- 
spatch), was to be delivered by the chief magistrate, who had 
a very ungraceful and drawling delivery, — he began thus: 
••'Sire, Hannibal, on quitting Carthage — " At these words, 
the king interrupted him, by saying, "Hannibal, when he 
quitted Carthage, had dined, and I will go and . do the same." 



A DEVILISH GOOD FORTUNE. 
"It is an ill wind/' says the old adage, "that blows 
nobody any good; " the higher the better for the Bricklayer's 
Company, who have a rich harvest, which they continue to 
reap for a fortnight afterwards. They exclaim, with David, 
" Praise the Lord, ye winds, for he rideth in the tempest." 
One of them, looking very earnestly at a pavement almost 
wholly covered with the tiles that were blown down by a tre- 



88 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

mendous storm, said to an Irishman "who stood by, "The 
devil has been very busy abroad to-night ; can you account 
for it?" "Yes," answered Patrick, "lean; he has mar- 
ried his eldest daughter to a bricklayer, and, as he had no 
money to fortune her, he has given her a high wind for a 
portion." 

A HIBERNIAN EPISTLE. 

The following letter from an Irish soldier on duty at the 
Tower was written to the warden: " My wife is very ill; 
prays your honor's worship to let me sleep out at night, 
promising most faithfully never to go out till after the gates 
are locked up at night, and always to come in before the gates 
are opened in the morning ; for which your petitioner shall 
ever pray." 



Henky IV., King of France, always made his children 
call him papa or father, not the usual title of Sir, or, Your 
majesty. He used frequently to join in their amusements ; 
and, one day, as he was going on all fours, with the dauphin, 
his son, on his back, an ambassador entered his apartment 
suddenly, and surprised him in this attitude. The monarch, 
without moving from it, said to him, " Monsieur L'Ambassa- 
deur, have you any children?" "Yes, sire," replied he. 
" Very well, then," said the king ; " I shall finish my race 
round my chamber." 



A DUMB ANIMAL. 
A gentleman threatening to beat a dog which barked 
intolerably, " Why," exclaimed an Irishman who was present, 
" would you beat the poor dumb animal for making a noise?" 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 89 

EFFECTS OF SPREEING. 
11 Patrick, do you know the fate of the drunkard ? " 
Pat, — •• Pate ! Don't I stand upon the most beautiful pair 
you ever seen ? ,s 



A POOR ARABIAN. 
A poor Arabian of the desert, ignorant as most Arabians 
are, was one day asked how he came to be assured that there 
was a God. "In the same way," replied he, "that I am 

able to tell by the print impressed on the sand whether it 
was a man or a beast passed this way." 



ZS o lady who has any regard for herself, or any respect for 
the society in which she moves, wiL 1 be slovenly in her appear- 
ance, or careless in her attire. 

What is the highest beauty of literature, poetry, fiction, 
and the fine arts, but a moral beauty, which genius has bodied 
forth for the admiration of the world ? 

He who violates his promise to pay, or withholds the pay- 
ment of a debt when in his power to meet his engagement, 
ought to be made to feel that in the sight of all honest men 

he is a swindler. 

When I see a young profligate squandering his fortune 
in bagnios, or at the gaming-table, I cannot help looking on 
him as hastening his own death, and, in a manner, digging 
his own grave. 

One of the worst things to fat on is envy. It is as difficult 
for a grudging man to raise a double chin as it is for a bank- 
rupt to raise a loan. Plumpness comes not from roast beef, 
but from a good heart and a cheerful disposition. 



90 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

DISCERNMENT. 

The Earl of Stair's discernment appeared in the choice of 
the three friends whom he carried in his coach to London, to 
provide for : — the late Sir John Pringle, afterwards Presi- 
dent of the Royal Society ; Mr. Keith, afterwards ambassador 
at Berlin and Vienna; and Sir Lawrence Dundas, — men of 
superior talents in their respective lines, and of good birth, 
but at that time no favorites of fortune. He was well repaid. 
I have seen the two first, at fourscore years of age, cry when 
the name of Stair was mentioned. 



self-defence. 

James Massey Dawson, Esq., independent of his own 
personal prowess (which many remember as being the terror 
of all the hackney-coachmen within the bills of mortality), 
was commonly attended in his perambulations by an extraor- 
dinary number of very fierce dogs. One of them having 
assailed a paver, and fastened on his leg, the paver, se defend- 
endo, killed the animal. His master, enraged, demanded 
compensation, and had the chief of the rammer and pickaxe 
brought before a magistrate. On being asked why he killed 
the dog, he answered that " the animal would have bit him." 
" But why," said the magistrate, "not strike him with the 
handle of the pick, instead of the point ? " " So I should," 
answered Paddy, "if he had attempted to bite me with his 
tail, instead of his teeth." 



A crimp, endeavoring to inveigle a young shepherd to 
enlist by the promise of making him a sergeant, was archly 
answered that he was already afield officer. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 91 

FAITH. 

Frederick the Great having embellished a Lutheran 
church with a new altar-piece, the ministers represented to 
the king that their flock could not read the canticles, which 
were done in very small print. His majesty, considering that 
the advanced state of the building rendered this fault irreme- 
diable, returned their remonstrance, having first written at 
the bottom of it these w r ords, " Happy are they who believe 
and see not, 75 



An old French nobleman told a lady that formerly his 
polite attentions were taken for declarations of love, but that 
now his declarations of love were taken for polite attentions. 



A French gentleman had courted a young lady some 
months ; at last the mother asked him whether, by thus con- 
tinuing his courtship to her daughter, he meant to marry her, 
or otherwise. " To tell you the truth, madam," replied he, 
" it is for otherwise" 



A foolish fellow said in company. '-An idea strikes me." 
A wag replied, " I am surprised at it." 



Viscount S. once met M. de V., and said to him, "Is it 
true, sir, that in a house where I am thought to be witty 
you said that I had no wit at all?" M. de V. answered, 
• ; My lord, there is not a word of truth in the matter; I 
never was in a house where you were thought to be witty, and 
I never had occasion to tell anybody you had no wit at all." 



92 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

FRAGMENT OF A SERMON, 

BY DR CHENEY, BISHOP OF GLOSTER, WHO WAS DISSATISFIED WITH THE 
REFORMATION. 

" These new writers," says his lordship, "in matters of 
controversy, as Mr. Calvin and others, agree not together, 
but are at dissension among themselves, and are together by 
the ears ; therefore, take heed of them. Yet read them ; 
for in opening the text they do pass many of the old fathers, 
and they are excellently well learned in the tongues ; but in 
matters now in controversy follow them not, but follow the 
old fathers and doctors, though Mr. Calvin denies some of 
them. As for your new doctors, it is good to pick a salad 
out of them, now and then. ' Scriptures, Scriptures,' do you 
cry ? Be not too hasty ; for so the heretics always cried. I 
would ask this question : I have to do with an heretic, I 
bring scripture against him, and he will confess it to be scrip- 
ture, but he will deny the sense that I bring for it ; how, 
now, how shall this be tried ? marry, by the fathers only, and 
not by others. In reading the Scriptures, be you like a 
snail, which is a goodly figure ; for when he feels a hard 
thing against his horns, he pulls them in again. So do you ; 
read Scriptures, in God's name ; but when you come to mat- 
ters of controversy, go back again, and pull in your horns." 



The famous Fermier general, Mons. Bouret, was a man of 
immense fortune, but stupid even to a proverb. Being one 
day in the king's apartment at Versailles, called L'oeuil de 
Boeuf, where two noblemen were engaged in a party at piquet, 
one of them happened to play the wrong card, and by that lost 
the game ; when he exclaimed, " 0, what a Bouret ami!" 
Offended at this liberty, Bouret instantly resented it in these 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 93 

words: "Sir you are an ass!" "The very thing I 
meant," replied the other, "with a sang froid that gave the 
epigram its full poignancy. 



ANECDOTE OF PIGALLE. 
Pigalle, the celebrated artist, -who had laid by twelve 
Louis d'ors for his journey from Lyons to Paris, seeing 
one day a man who was walking with visible marks of deep- 
felt sorrow in his countenance, boldly accosted him, and 
asked him if he could any way relieve him. "Ah, sir! " 
exclaimed the stranger, "for want of ten Louis, I must 
be dragged this evening to a dungeon, and be separated from 
a tender wife and numerous family." " Is that all? " replied 
the humane artist. " Come along with me ; I have twelve of 
them in my trunk, and they are all at your service." A 
friend, who met him by chance next day, asked him whether 
he had relieved the distresses of a poor man, as was publicly 
reported at Lyons. "Ah, mon ami," said Pigalle, "what a 
delicious supper did I make last night upon bread and 
cheese, with a family who blessed me at every mouthful they 
ate, which was moistened with the tears of gratitude ! " 



ANECDOTE OF DR. HOUGH. 

Dr. Hough, Bishop of Worcester, who was as remarkable 
for the evenness of his temper as for many other great quali- 
ties, having a good deal of company at his house, a gentle- 
man present desired his lordship to show him a weather-glass, 
which the bishop had lately purchased, and which cost him 
above thirty guineas. The servant was accordingly desired 
to bring it, who, in delivering it to the gentleman, accident- 



94 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ally let it fall, and broke it all to pieces. The company was all 
a little deranged from this accident, but particularly the gen- 
tleman who asked to see it, and who was making many apolo- 
gies for the accident. " Be under no concern, my dear sir," 
said the bishop, smiling; " I think it is rather a lucky omen. 
We have hitherto had a very dry season, and now I hope we 
shall have some more rain ; for I protest I do not remember 
ever to have seen the glass so low in my life." 



A TEIFLER. 

" I will forfeit my head, if you are not wrong," exclaimed 
a dull and warm orator to the president Montesquieu, in an 
argument. "I accept it," replied the philosopher; "any 
trifle among friends has a value." 



SAVING ONE'S BACON. 

A boy, who had not returned after the holidays to 
Winchester school, which the master charged him to do, 
came back at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe to the 
master, who took the ham, but flogged the lad, and told him, 
" You may give my compliments to your mother for £he ham, 
but I assure you it shall not save your bacon." 



A negro, having purchased a hat, was observed to take it 
from his head on the fall of a slight shower of rain, and to 
manifest considerable alarm to preserve it from the wet. On 
being remonstrated with for his supposed stupidity in thus 
leaving his head exposed, he wittingly observed, "Hat belong 
to me, head belong to massa" 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 95 

BUILDING CxVSTLES IN THE AIR. 
During the civil war, some persons of the royal party 
having mixed with the republicans in company, were talking 
of their future hopes. " 'T is all building castles in the air," 
observed a surly republican. "Where can we build them 
else?" replied a cavalier; "you have robbed us of every 
inch of land." 



STORY RAISED. 
Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the 
watermen told him, as they passed by Peterborough House, 
at Milbank, "that the house had sunk a story." "No, 
friend," said he; "I rather believe it is a story raised." 



CURE FOR DUMBNESS 
An Irish soldier got discharged by pretending to be dumb. 
Soon after, enlisting in another corps, he was met and recog- 
nized by a former comrade, who asked him how he had 
learned to speak so as to get into a new regiment. " By St. 
Patrick," answered the Milesian, "ten guineas would make 
any man spake." 



In the beginning of the British treaty fever, an honest- 
hearted, blunt, careless fellow was met by an old man, who 
in a solemn tone exclaimed, " Is it possible? " and, still shak- 
ing his gray locks, said, " They do say General Washington 
is a going to sell his country." " Well, and who has a better 
right?" returned the wag. "It is a country of his own 
making ; he has suckled, and nursed, and tended, and fatted 
it, till, faith, I am not afraid to trust him with it in any 
market under heaven." 



96 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

THE FRIAR IS GOOD, BUT THE ABBOT IS BETTER. 

Francis I. playing at tennis with a friar, who struck the 
ball well, the king said, "That 's a good stroke for a friar." 
" I '11 give it the stroke of an abbot, if your majesty pleases." 



PAINTING'S PLUS ULTRA. 

Nanteuil said " he could paint the portrait of an absent, 
upon the report of an intelligent man, who would satisfac- 
torily answer him all the questions he might ask." 

We think this proud boast of Nanteuil very practicable ; the 
lineaments of nature, as to the expression of the passions, &c, 
on the human face, are invariable, though in different degrees 
of operation. History and Memoirs present characteristic 
traits of distinguished personages; perhaps, more unerring 
traits for the canvas than the living subject. " Equally," said 
Horace Walpole, " with painted portraits of memorable per- 
sons, I admire written portraits, in which the character is 
traced with those minute touches that resemble life itself." 



ROYAL FAVOR. 
A POOR Irishman was one day bragging to his friends that 
the king had spoken to him. On being asked what his 
majesty said to him, he replied, " Arrah, my dear honey, he 
only axed me to get out of the way." 



CURRAN. 
Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman, just 
arrived in England, could mean by perpetually putting out 
his tongue. " I suppose," replied the wit, "he's trying to 
catch the English accent P 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 97 

INSTANCE OF UNCOMMON AFFECTION. 

RELATED BY MR. COXE, IX HIS ACCOUNT OF THE PRISONS AXD HOSPITALS 
IX RUSSIA, SWEDEN, AXD DENMARK. 

Within the court of the prison of the police of Moscow a 
gentleman is confined, who alone, of these prisoners, is 
refused the privilege of ever coming out : and yet this pun- 
ishment is scarely adequate to the enormity of the crime, — 
having whipped several of his peasants in so cruel a manner 
that they died in consequence of the stripes. In Russia the 
lords have great power over their peasants ; but the fate of 
this tyrant shows that they are amenable for any wanton 
abuse of it. 

A mark of attachment in a domestic once belonging to this 
man must strongly interest the feelings of humanity. Close 
to the prison door of this unhappy wretch an old woman of 
about seventy years of age has built a miserable shed, that 
scarcely repels the common violence of the weather ; there 
she resides, from pure motives of compassion to the prisoner. 
She had been his nurse, and continues with him (at least, at 
the time when Coxe travelled into the northern kingdoms), in 
order to render him all the service which might happen to be 
in her power. Such another instance of affection, says Mr. * 
Coxe, is not to be met with ; for it must be absolutely disin- 
terested, as the prisoner, considering the greatness of his 
crime, can never have any hopes of being released, nor can 
she ever expect any recompense but what she derives from 
her own feelings. Mr. Coxe gave her a small piece of money, 
and she immediately handed it to the prisoner. 



A Gazetteer inserted in his paper, " Some say that Car- 
dinal Mazarin is dead, others that he is still living ; as to me, 
I believe neither the one nor the other." 
9 



98 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ANECDOTE OF A MODERN GREEK. 

The following anecdote helps to prove that even among 
the present Greeks, in the gloomy day of servitude, the 
remembrance of their ancient glory is not totally extinct. 

When the late Mr. Anson (Lord Anson's brother) was 
upon his travels in the East, he hired a vessel to visit the Isle 
of Tenedos. His pilot, an old Greek, as they were sailing 
along, said with some satisfaction, "There it was our fleet 
lay!" Mr. Anson demanded, "What fleet?" "What 
fleet ! " replied the old man, a little piqued at the question; 
" why, our Grecian fleet at the siege of Troy." 



In the battle of Monmouth, General Lee, who commanded 
the advance of the American army, had beaten a retreat, and 
met the intrepid Washington marching to his support w T ith 
the whole line of the army. General Washington, with sur- 
prise, immediately accosted him with, " What is the reason 
of this extraordinary retreat?" " Sir," replied Lee, "your 
troops will not fight British grenadiers." Washington im- 
mediately retorted, " Sir, you never tried them.''' 



A lady, who gave herself great airs of importance, on 
being introduced to a gentleman for the first time, said, with 
much cool indifference, " I think, sir, I have seen you some- 
where" "Very likely," replied the gentleman, with equal 
sang froid, "you may, ma'am, as J have been there very 
often." 



The more servants a man keeps, the more spies he has 
upon his actions. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 99 

IRISH LEARNING. 
A number of gentlemen having visited a country school 
in Ireland, the master, wishing to show off his scholars, and 
also his own learning, called up one Mike Bryan, who was 
his chief exhibition-boy. Mike appeared, clothed in some- 
thing which had once been breeches, but which now served 
no other end than to throw the spectator into a wilderness 
of doubt as to the possibility, in case of Mike ever throwing 
them off, of his ever again being able to find his way into 
them. The master, after requesting this important pillar of 
his establishment '-not to stand there making a looking- 
glass of his sleeve, but to blow his nose and shut the door/' 
desired him to spell " Constantinople." The boy really did 
contrive, though with some difficulty, to get through this 
mighty exercise ; when the rejoiced pedagogue, patting him 
on the head, and calling him an American chief, turned round 
to the visitors, and gravely remarked, " See what it is to 
understand navigation ! " 



EFFICACY OF A PUN. 
A member of Parliament, having brought in a bill that 
required an amendment, which was denied him by the house, 
frequently repeated that " he thirsted to mend his bill." 
At length another member rose and addressed the speaker, 
humbly moving that, as the honorable member who spoke 
last thirsted so very much, he might be allowed to mend his 
draught" This put the house into good humor, and his 
petition was granted. 



The late witty Earl of Kelly, in the younger part of his 
life, was terribly addicted to dissipation. One day his mother 



100 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

took him very severely to task for a debauch, and advised 
him to profit by the example of a certain gentleman, "whose 
constant food was vegetables, and his drink pure "water. 
"What! madam." said his lordship, "do you "wish me to 
imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a fish ? " 



A smart fellow, thinking to show his wit one night at a 
tavern, called to the drawer, " Here, Mercury, " said he, 
"'take away this bottle full of emptiness." Said one of the 
company, " Do you speak that, Jack, of your own head? " 



DINNER-TIME. 



In the war carried on by the Pope at the camp of Picene, 
a general engagement became, from the position of the 
armies, unavoidable. The cardinal went through the ranks 
exhorting the papal troops to exertions for the honor and 
states of the Holy See ; following this up with a complete 
remission of all their sins, and concluding with an assurance 
that such of them as died that day would dine with the 
angels in heaven. After this seasonable harangue, his Emi- 
nence was retiring, which a soldier observing, said to him, 
"And you, my Lord Cardinal, won't you remain with us, 
and go and dine in Paradise? " " My friend," answered the 
cardinal, "I should gladly be of the party, but my dinner- 
hour has not yet come, for I have no appetite." 



The Duke of Richmond, being asked why he ordered a 
captain's guard to mount on the kitchen, replied that he 
wished to accustom the captains of the militia to stand fire. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 101 

GRADATION OF LIQUORS. 
Samuel Johnson, dining one day at Sir Joshua Reynolds', 
said, " Claret for boys, port for men, brandy for heroes." 
"Then," said Burke, "let me have claret; I love to be a 
boy, and to have the careless gayety of boyish days." Though 
Burke relished a cheerful glass, he did not exceed ; and did 
not prefer strong wine. 



RETALIATION. 

An American General L was in company where 

there were some few Scotch. After supper, when the wine 
was Served up, the general rose, and addressed the company 
in the following words : "Gentlemen, I must inform you, 
that when I get a little groggish, I have an absurd custom 
of railing against the Scotch ; I hope no gentleman in com- 
pany will take it amiss."' With this, he sat down. Up starts 
M , a Scotch officer, and, without seeming the least dis- 
pleased, said, "Gentlemen, I, when I am a little groggish, 
and hear any person railing against the Scotch, have an 
absurd custom of kicking him out of the company ; I hope no 
gentleman will take it amiss." It is superfluous to add that 
that night he had no occasion to exert his talents. 



SCOTCH DELIBERATION. 

" Shoulder arms ! " exclaimed the captain, in a voice 
intended to resemble thunder. But the execution of the order 
was anything but simultaneous; and one man, it was ob- 
served, was standing still at ease. Upon being challenged 
by the captain why he had ,not shouldered along with the 
rest, " What the de'il 's a' the haste ? " quoth he ; " canna ye 
wait till a body tak a snuff? " 
9* 



102 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

CHURCH CANDIDATES. 

At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call. 
two candidates offered to preach, of the names of Adam and 
Low. The last preached in the morning, and took for his 
text, " Adam, where art thou V* He made a most excellent 
discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the 
evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, " Lo, here 
am I ! " The impromptu and his sermon gained him the 
church. 



A LACHRYMOSE MAJOR. 

Before the accession of the late Duke of York to the 
office of commander-in-chief, when the army abounded in 
abuses of all kinds, children were sometimes gifted with com- 
missions, in acknowledgment of the services of their fathers, 
or for worse reasons. A late Scotch judge had a son who. 
before he was eleven years of age, rose to the rank of major. 
One morning, the mother of this valiant officer, hearing a 
noise in the nursery, rang to know the cause of it. "It's 
naething,*' answered the servant, "but the major greeting 
(crying) for his parritch." 



Sir George Lisle signalized himself upon many occasions 
in the civil war during the reign of Charles I., particularly in 
the last battle of Newbury, where, in the dusk of the even- 
ing, he led his men to the charge in his shirt, that his person 
might be more conspicuous. The king, who was an eye-wit- 
ness of his bravery, knighted him on the field of battle. In 
164S he rose for his majesty in Essex, and was one of the 
royalists who so obstinately defended Colchester, and who 



OSE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 103 

died in its defence. The brave man, having tenderly em- 
braced the corpse of Sir Charles Lucas, his departed friend, 
immediately presented himself to the soldiers, who were ready 
for his execution. Thinking that they stood at too great a 
distance, he desired them to come nearer. One of them said, 
"I warrant you, sir, we shall hit you/' He replied, with a 
smile, -'Friends, I have been nearer you, when you have 
missed me.' ; 



RECEIPT TO WRITE WELL. 

Two Jesuits of the college of Port Eoyal called one day 
on Rousseau, for the purpose of requesting him to disclose the 
secret he seemed to possess, which enabled him to write upon 
all subjects with such warmth and eloquence. "I have, in- 
deed, one secret,'* answered Rousseau, "and I am sorry it is 
not generally adopted by mankind : it is, never to speak that 
which I do not think/'' 



The following is an advertisement of Fleet, for the sale of 
a negro woman. It is short and pithy, namely: " To be 
sold by the printer of this paper, the very best negro woman 
in this town, who has had the small-pox and the measles, is 
as hearty as a horse, as brisk as a bird, and will work like a 
beaver. :; 



" Have you the " Lays of the Last Minstrel?" said a city 
miss, addressing a young man who stood behind the counter 
of a country store. " No, we haven't any o' them kind," 
said the clerk; cc but we have good fresh hen's eggs, that we 
can warrant were laid last week." 



104 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

HOWLET-FACE. 

Robert Burns, being informed that a little girl, in the 
company where he was, had been rudely designated "howlet- 
face" by a gentleman present, on account of a certain disa- 
greeable peculiarity in her visage, which reminded him of an 
owl, he immediately wrote this verse, and handed it to the 
person concerned : 

" And did he ca' ye Howlet-face, 
The vile, unseemly spectre ! 
Your faee has been a looking-glass, 
In which he 5 s seen his picture." 



POLITICAL ECONOMY. 

Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax 
was laid on candles, which, as a Ricardo lecturer would 
prove, made them dearer. A Scottish wife, in Greenock, 
remarked to her chandler, Simon Macbeth, that the price was 
raised, and asked why. "It's a' owin' to the war," said 
Simon. "The war!" said the astonished matron; "gracious 
me ! are they gaun to fight by cannel licht ? " 



" Since time," says Goethe, "is not a person we can over- 
take when he is past, let us honor him with mirth and cheer- 
fulness of heart while he is passing." 



Cicero calls gratitude the mother of virtues ; reckons it 
as the most capital of all duties ; and uses the words -grateful 
and good as synonymous terms, inseparably united in the 
same character. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 105 

A GOOD REASON, AND A FIXE COMPLIMENT. 

Le Seur was employed by the Friars of Toulouse to make 
a painting representing the temptation of our Lord in the 
desert. The artist represented Satan in the habit of a friar. 
The reverend fathers, extremely offended, made most violent 
complaints to the painter, who answered them :: that the 
enemy of the world could not have taken more likely means 
to seduce our Lord Jesus Christ than by wearing the garb 
of virtue." 



A GENTLEMAN, who had been desired by his wife to make 
a purchase for her at a milliner's, being requested by a friend 
on his return to call in. begged to be excused from stopping, 
as he had bought a bonnet for his wife, and was afraid the 
fa sit ion would alter before he got home. 



The Lacedemonians refused to send any deputies to the 
assembly held at Corinth. Philip complained of their neg- 
lect, with haughtiness, but only received the following an- 
swer : "If you imagine yourself to be grown greater since 
your victory, measure your shadow; you will find that it has 
not lengthened a single inch.'' Philip, irritated, replied, 
11 If I enter Laconia. I will drive you all out of the country.' 7 
They returned him for answer the single word " If. : 






In order to render yourself acceptable in society, correct 
every appearance of harshness in behavior. Let that gen- 
tleness distinguish your manners which springs, not so much 
from trying to be polite, as from a mild and guileless heart. 



106 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ORIGIN OF THE WORD GROG. 

The British sailors had always been accustomed to drink 
their allowance of brandy or rum clear, till Admiral Vernon 
ordered those under his command to mix it with water. This 
innovation gave great offence to the sailors, and for a time 
rendered the admiral extremely unpopular. The admiral at 
that time wore a grogram coat ; for which reason, they nick- 
named him Old Grog. And hence, by degrees, the mixed 
liquor he constrained them to drink universally obtained 
among them the appellation of grog. 



GOOD WINE NEEDS NO BUSH. 



Some of the friends of Vander Kabel, a famous Dutch 
painter, observed to him that they had never heard any praises 
but of his worst paintings. " True," answered he, " for the 
best will always praise themselves." 



A person reading a paragraph in the papers that a large 
piece of land was washed away by an inundation, but that 
the account was not fully confirmed, was stopped short by a 
gentleman, who observed, "that if it was even true, there 
was no ground for the report." 



The grave is indeed hallowed when the grass of the church- 
yard can cover all memory save that of love. We dwell on 
every good gift of the lost one, as though no unworthy 
thought could cross that little mound of earth, the barrier 
between the two worlds. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 107 

IRISH NATION. 

There are different ways of conducting different nations ; 
but the fairest and gentlest are generally the most easy. Sir 
John Dalrymple says that he once asked the late Lord Har- 
court, when Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, how he contrived to 
carry all the points of government, and yet to be the favorite 
of the people. He made this golden answer, " I never trick 
the Irish." 



WIT IN A HOBNAIL. 
A proud parson and his man. riding over a common, saw 
a shepherd tending his flock, in a new coat. The parson 
asked, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat. "The- 
same people,' 7 said the shepherd, '-'that clothe you, — the 
parish." 7 The parson, nettled a little, rode on murmuring a 
considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the shepherd 
if he would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. 
The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his 
master's message, concluding that his master really wanted a 
fool. ' : Are you going away, then? ;7 said the shepherd. 
•• No," answered the other. " Then you may tell your mas- 
ter. "'* replied the shepherd, " his living won't maintain three 
of us.'' 

HIGH STYLE. 

The late Mr. Andrew B-lf— r, one of the judges in the 
Commissary Court of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pom- 
pous and inflated style. Having made an appointment with 
the late Hon. Henry Erskine, on some particular business, 
and failing to attend, he apologized for it by telling the 
learned barrister that his brother, the Laird of B-lb — nie, in 
passing from one of his enclosures to another, had fallen 



108 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

down from the stile, and sprained his ankle. This trifling 
accident he related in language highly pedantic and bombast- 
ical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, 
"It is very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was 
not from your style he fell, or he would have broken his 
neck, instead of spraining his ankle! " 

During the time the above gentleman presided in court, 
his sister, Miss B-lf — r, happened to be examined as a wit- 
ness in a cause then depending before the court, Andrew 
began, in his pompous way, by asking, " Woman, what is thy 
name ? what is thy age ? and where is thy usual place of 
residence?" To which interrogatories Miss B-lf — r only 
replied by staring him broad in the face ; when the questions 
were again repeated, with all the grimace and pedantry he 
was master of: which the lady observing, said, "Dear me, 
Andrew, do ye no ken your ain sister?" To which the 
judge answered, " Woman, when I sit in this court to admin- 
ister justice, I know no one, — neither father nor mother, 
sister nor brother ! " 



DR. PARR. 

Dr. Parr was not very delicate in the choice of his ex- 
pressions, when heated by argument or contradiction. He 
once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little bet- 
ter. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to 
the bishop. "Do," said the doctor, "and my Lord Bishop 
will confirm you." 



Lieutenant S being extremely ill, and almost dead 

for want of rest, it was thought expedient to give him an 
opiate. Whilst it was preparing, his disorder being at a 
crisis, he fell into a profound sleep. His friend and country- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 109 

man, Lieutenant A P -, who had attended him with 

the most unremitting care, seeing the state he was in, shook 
him violently by the shoulder, exclaiming, " Arrah, my good 
friend, don't be after sleeping now, but wait till you have 
taken your sleeping stuff! " 



ANECDOTE OF GEORGE IT. 

When' Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he pro- 
posed a person to George II. as proper to fill a place of great 
trust, but which the king himself was determined should be 
filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to 
indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was 
Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of the office 
for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by ask- 
ing him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged 
to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to 
have the blanks filled up. " With the devil's ! " replied the 
king, in a paroxysm of rage. " And shall the instrument," 
said the earl, coolly, " run as usual, — our trusty, well-beloved 
cousin and counsellor?" — a repartee at which the king 
laughed heartily, and with great good humor signed the grant. 



WEST-INDIAN BEES. 
A travelled man was descanting one day upon what he 
had seen in his peregrinations. He was particularly impress- 
ive on the largeness to which common reptiles and insects 
grew in tropical climates. "In the West Indies," said he, 
"bees are about the size of our sheep." "And how large 
may the bee-hives be? " inquired one of the company. " 0, 
about the ordinary size," said the traveller, without thinking 
of the exaggerated size he had just ascribed to the tenants of 
10 



110 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

these receptacles. " Then/' said the inquirer, " how do the 
bees get into the hives? " " 0," replied the detected Mun- 
chausen, " let the bees look to that ! " 



A FAULT IN CANDLES. 

Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he 
hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said 
he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as 
good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph, "they were 
very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would 
not burn any longer." 

BEST BODY OF DIVINITY. 

Parker, Bishop of Oxford, being asked by an acquaint- 
ance what was the best body of divinity, answered, "That 
which can help a man to keep a coach and six horses." 



receiver as bad as the thief. 

The motto which was inserted under the arms of William 
Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was 
" Non rapid sed recepi : " 

" I did not steal, but I received." 

This being shown to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic 
smile, " The receiver is as bad as the thief." 



An arch boy, having taken notice of his school-master's 
often reading a chapter in the Corinthians, wherein is this 



ONE THOUSAND AXE 111 

sentence. lf We shall all be changed in the twinkling of an 
i tvately erased the letter c in the word changed. The 
;: time his master read it. " We shall all be hanged in 
the twinkling of an eve/' 



JUSTICE. 

A French nobleman, who had been satirized bj Voltaire, 
meeting the poet soon after, gave him a hearty drubbing. 
The poet immediately flew to the Duke of Orleans, told him 
how he had been used, and begged he would do him justice. 
■• Sir." replied the duke, with a significant smile, "it has 
been done you already ! " 



AKECDOTE OY ROCHEFOUCAULT. 

B : : hit hfcauxTj the French Rochester of Louis the Four- 

ath'a court, having offended the king, hired a dung-cart, 

and, stripping himself quite naked, got up to the chin in it, 

just as his majesty was passing through the streets of Paris 

in state. The dung-cart man, as instructed, immediately 

fell a wrangling with one of the king's postilions, which 

S3 much noise that the king put his head out of 

the window to know what was the matter. Rochefoucault 

watched the opportunity, raised himself forward in the cart, 

all bemired as he was. and, bowing very respectfully to his 

Nothing at all. sire, but that your coachman and 

mine have had a fracas together." 



A late French paper states, among its anecdotes, that a 
wefl-j in Paris recently married a youthful 



112 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

poet. After the wedding she took him aside, and, in a peni- 
tential tone, begged his forgiveness for having deceived him 
in declaring that her income amounted to two thousand dol- 
lars a year. "And you haven't it?" asked the poet; 
adding, after a moment, " Well, it 's of no consequence, don't 
trouble your head about such trifles." " But you misunder- 
stand me,' 7 said the bride; " I only misstated the amount — 
it is twenty thousand ! " The account states that the poet 
pardoned her. the other way, with equal facility. 



EXTINCTION OF NOBILITY. 

The celebrated physician, M. Marphoy, who set himself up 
as a man of great importance, said that he ranked none but 
people of quality among his patients ; and, as two of noble 
birth had lately died under his hands, some one said, " If we 
leave hun alone, he will render this country like Switzerland, 
— he will exterminate all the nobility." 



SINGULAR TASTE. 



One particularity of Bayle is very singular. This great 
genius could not resist the desire he felt to see rope-dancing. 
Whenever any was to be seen at the Hague, or at Rotterdam, 
he muffled himself up in his cloak, ran to see it, like a child, 
and never quitted the spectacle till the last. 



A poor Irishman applied at the church-warden's office, at 
Manchester, for relief, and upon some doubt being ^expressed 
as to whether he was a proper object for parochial relief, he 
enforced his suit with much earnestness. " Och. ver honor." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 113 

said he, " sure I'd be starved long since, but for my cat." 
" But for what 1 " asked the astonished interrogator. " My 
cat, ' ' rejoined the Irishman. ' ' Your cat ! how so ? " " Sure, 
yer honor, I sould her eleven times for sixpence a time, and 
she was always home before I'd get there myself." 



When the mother of the late King of Spain was on her 
road to Madrid, she passed through a little town in Spain, 
famous for the manufacturing of gloves and stockings. The 
honest magistrates of the place thought they could not better 
express their joy for the reception of the new queen than by 
presenting her with a sample of those commodities for which 
alone their town was remarkable. The major domo who 
conducted the queen received the gloves very graciously ; but 
when the stockings were presented, he flung them away, with 
great indignation, and severely reprimanded the magistrates 
for this egregious piece of indecency. "Know," says he, 
"that a queen of Spain has no legs." The poor young 
queen, who at that time understood the language but very 
imperfectly, and had been often frightened with stories of 
Spanish jealousy, imagined they were going to cut off her 
legs ; upon which she fell a crying, and begged them to con- 
duct her back to Germany, for that she never would endure 
that operation ; — and it was with some difficulty they could 
appease her. Philip IV., it is said, never in his life laughed 
heartily but at the recital of that story. 



An officer was defending himself before Sir Sidney Smith, 
for not having attacked a certain post, because he had con- 
sidered it inattackable. " Sir," said the gallant chief, 
" that word is not English." 
10* 



114 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

INSTANCE OF A CONTEMPT OF PAIN. 

Mr. Meares, in speaking of the natives of Prince Wil- 
liam's Sound, says, " They are certainly a very savage race 
of people, and possess an uncommon degree of insensibility 
to corporal pain. Of this we had a very singular proof on 
the following occasion. In the course of the winter, among 
other rubbish, several broken glass bottles had been thrown 
out of the ship, and one of the natives, who was searching 
among them to see what he could find, cut his foot in a very 
severe manner. On seeing it bleed, we pointed out what had 
caused the wound, and applied a dressing to it, which we 
made him understand was the remedy we ourselves employed 
on similar occasions. But he and his companions instantly 
turned the whole into ridicule ; and, at the same time, taking 
some of the glass, they scarified their legs and arms in a most 
extraordinary manner, informing us that nothing of that kind 
could ever hurt them," 



When a noted state Criminal was tried at Edinburgh for 
sedition, the Lord Justice Clark asked him, " Hae ye ony 
coonsel, mon? 77 u No." u Do you want to hae ony ap- 
pointed? " " I only want an interpreter, to make me under- 
stand what your lordship says. 7 ' 



Lord Kelly once asking one of your gentle shepherds 
for a toast, he gave " Mirth and Innocence. 77 The next toast 
being his lordship's, he gave " Milk and Water. 77 



A picture of a certain divine, well known by the nick-name 
of Snake, having appeared at one of the exhibitions of the 



0XE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 115 

Royal Academy, the following pungent paragraph, published 
in a morning paper. was made the subject of a prosecution in 
the Court of King's Bench, when Lord Mansfield observed 
that he should be apt to excuse the libel for the sake of the 
wit : 

"An artist admires the picture of the reverend Parson 
Snake, in the exhibition, where he is drawn at full length in 
a beautiful landscape, with a large tree, and attended with his 
faithful Fidel. He thinks, however, the tree wants execu- 
tion , and that the painter has not done justice to the dog." 



ANECDOTE OF THE CELEBRATED GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS. 

Gustavus entered the town of Mew in the evening, extol- 
ling the fidelity of the inhabitants and bravery of the garrison 
to the highest degree, and allowing no man's good services to 
pass by unrewarded. In the hurry and confusion of this con- 
flict, Gustavus fell twice into the enemy's hands. How he 
escaped the first time, cannot well be ascertained. He was 
extricated a second time by the admirable presence of mind 
of a Swedish horseman, who, to conceal his majesty's rank, 
cried out to the Polanders, "Have a care of yourselves, for 
we will rescue our brother ! " The king had three or four 
companions at his elbow. This task he performed in an 
instant. Xot long afterwards, Gustavus perceived his deliv- 
erer made prisoner ; and, putting himself at the head of five 
or six cavaliers, brought him off triumphantly. "Now,' 3 
said he, ;; brother-soldier, we are upon equal terms : the obli- 
gation is become reciprocal/' 



So it is. — Masters are generally the greatest servants in 
the house. 



116 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A DOVETAILER OF SERMONS. 

The Rev. Dr. B was what is commonly termed '*a 

popular preacher;" not, however, by drawing on his own 
stores, but by the knack which he possessed of appropriating 
the thoughts and language of other great divines, who had 
gone before him, to his own use ; and, by a skilful splicing 
and dovetailing of passages, so as to make a whole. Fortu- 
nately for him, those who composed his audience were not 
deeply skilled in pulpit lore, and with such he passed for a 
wonder of erudition. It happened, however, that the doctor 
was detected in his literary larcenies. One Sunday, a grave 
old gentleman seated himself close to the pulpit, and listened 
with profound attention. The doctor had scarcely finished 
his third sentence, before the old gentleman said, loud enough 
to be heard by those near him, " That's Sherlock." The 
doctor frowned, but went on. He had not proceeded much 
further, when his grave auditor broke out with, " That's 
Tillotson." The doctor bit his lips, and paused, but again 
went on. At a third exclamation of, " That's Blair," the 
doctor lost all patience, and, leaning over the side of the pul- 
pit, '-Fellow," he cried, " if you do not hold your tongue, 
you shall be turned out." Without altering a muscle, the 
old cynic, looking the doctor full in the face, says, " That's 
his own." 



HONORS GENEALOGICAL. 

At the reception of Marshal Luxemburgh in Parliament, 
a dispute upon the subject of precedency arose between him 
and the Dukes of Gesores and Villeroi. The lawyer who 
pleaded the marshal's cause said merely, "'Tis very sur- 
prising, gentlemen, that the descendants of two notaries, who 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 117 

have formerly signed the contract of marriage of Marshal 
Luxemburgh's great-grandfather; should at this day dispute 
with him the point of precedency." He justified the asser- 
tion by producing the contract, with the signatures. 



A SAYING CLAUSE. 



The Count de Charolois, prince of the blood, was famous 
for the ferocity of his manners. In his youth he took a 
dreadful and barbarous pleasure in killing a man, as children 
do in crushing a fly. But, when he went to ask his pardon, 
he always represented the murder as the effect of an unlucky 
mischance, or of necessity. On one of these occasions, when 
the king (Louis XV.) was giving him his pardon, he said to 
him, c: Here it is ; but I declare to you, at the same time, that 
I have a pardon ready for any one who shall kill you." 



FIEST niPRESSIONS. 



C. J. Fox, when fourteen years of age, was carried by his 
father, just created Lord Holland, to Spain, and was allowed 
five guineas a night for a faro-bank, — an allowance which 
generated his propensity for gaming. 



" John," said a traveller to a farmer's boy, who was hoe- 
ing in the field, : 'your corn is very small." "Yes, we 
planted the small kind." '-'But it looks dwarfish and yel- 
low." " Yes, we planted the yellow sort." " I mean you 
will not have half a crop, — do you understand me ? " '* 0, 
yes, I understand; we don't expect to, for we planted on 
the shares." 



118 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

REGRET AT PARTING. 

The President de Maisons happened to die at the time of 
his appointment to the employment of attorney-general. 
Penetrated with regret, his last words were, " Must one die 
at the eve of being invested with the highest employments? " 



THE SWIMMING CHALLENGE. 

A second Leander has made his appearance in the shape 
of a German, who says he is "but a looker-on here in Vi- 
enna/' and is anxious, like Commodore Stevens, for a little 
nautical exercise with any John Bull who feels disposed to 
swim with him from Dover to Calais, for two, three, or four 
thousand dollars. This German Leander differs from his 
Grecian prototype in more particulars than one. The swim- 
ming feat of the latter was "all for love; " but a check on 
the London banker is the hero that attracts the other. The 
width, too, of the Hellespont, though it stretches from Eu- 
rope to Asia, is but a mile and a half across at its widest 
part, and only half a mile at its narrowest, while the distance 
from Dover to Calais is twenty-one long miles. Byron 
rivalled Leander, and is his own hero of the tale; but he 
who floats from France to England had better be a Cork man 
than a German cousin to anything short of a steamer. 



ANECDOTES OF ROMAN LUXURY. 

Q. Hortensius had the honor of being the first Roman 
that introduced the peacock to the table, as a great dainty, 
in a magnificent feast which he made on his being created 
Augur. The price of a peacock, says Arbuthnot, page 129, 



0NE THOUSAND ANECDOTE8. 119 

was fifty denarii. — that is, one pound twelve shillings three- 
pence. A flock of one hundred was sold at a much dearer 
rate, for three hundred and twenty-two pounds eighteen shil- 
lings fourpence. of our money. M. Aufidius Lurco, accord- 
ing to Yarro, used to make every year, of his peacocks, four 
hundred and eighty-four pounds seven shillings sixpence. 

Juvenal speaks of a fish called the mullus (which is sup- 
posed to be what the French and we call sounnoiiellei), bought 
for forty-eight pounds eight shillings ninepence. Accord- 
ing to Macrobius, there was paid for another fifty-seven 
pounds ten shillings one penny. For a third, according to 
Pliny, sixty-four pounds eleven shillings eightpence. Our 
age is as yet unacquainted with the niceness of the ancients 
in weighing their fishes at table, and beholding them expire. 
The death of a mullus, with the variety and change of colors 
in its last moments, was reckoned one of the most entertain- 
ing spectacles in the world by the men of taste at Rome. 



"TWIT, TWIT, TWIT!" 

'•'Twit, twit, twit, eh? — yes, I'll soon twit yon!" A" 
gentleman fond of gunning, but who was a poorer marksman 
than those who are generally fond of the sport, got the loan 
of an excellent pointer. The dog, nothing loth, ranged, 
quickly formed, and stood steadily. Up walked our gentle- 
man gunner. "Twit, twit, twit," went the birds; bang, 
bang, went the gun, and away the birds flew. The dog gave 
a significant look at his companion, as much as to say, " You 
must mend this." < : Twit, twit," went the birds, and off 
went the gun. Again and again, with no better effect than 
at first, the dog watched the flight of the birds till out of 



120 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

sight. He then gave the gentleman a most expressive look 
of contempt, and trotted home to his master. 



DR. BUTLER. 



Dr. Butler was a man of peculiar manners. Being sent 
for to a lady's house, the lady desired a servant to ask him 
■what he would have for supper. " A roasted horse,' 7 said 
the doctor. The man stared, and vanished; but, turning 
upon the stairs, soon reappeared, and said to the reverend 
divine, " Sir, will you please to have a pudding in his belly?" 
Butler, laughing, said, " Thou hast a pudding of wit in thy 
head, and I like thee well. But why ask me what I choose 
for supper ? I came here to give advice, and not to eat. I 
shall eat as the rest." 



SINCERITY. 

On the discovery of the conspiracy against him, King 
William treated the framers of it with great generosity. Sev- 
eral of the Scotch nobility had been seized, but orders were 
given to set them at liberty, if they would give their words 
of honor not to disturb the government. Lord Arran, with 
that undaunted spirit which sprang from the blood of the great 
families of Douglas and Hamilton united in his person, refused 
to give his word, " because," he said, "he was sure he could 
not keep it." 

In May, 1784, a bill intending to limit the privilege of 
franking was sent from the Parliament of Ireland for the 
royal approbation. In it was a clause enacting that any 
member who, from illness or other cause, should be unable to 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 121 

write, might authorize another person to frank for him, pro- 
vided that, on the back of the letter so franked, the member 
gave a certificate, under his hand, of his inability to write. 



FOR BACHELORS. 



In a late work on suicide it is said that marriage is, to a 
certain extent, a prevention of suicide. It has been satisfac- 
torily established that, among men, two-thirds that destroy 
themselves are bachelors ! 



VERY GOOD. 



The New Orleans Times, speaking of the little birds, says, 
" How happy must they be ! They find their subsistence in a 
thousand ways, and are never happier than when eggs are 
high:' 

An Irish drummer, who now and then indulged in a 
noggin of right good potten, was accosted by the reviewing 
general, iC What makes your nose so red? 7 ' ( *Plase yer 
honor," replied Pat, "I always blush when I spake to a 
general officer." 



A gentleman being at a church, had his pocket picked of 
his watch ; and, complaining of it to a friend of his, he re- 
plied, "Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had 
been secure. But the next watch you carry about you, 
remember these lines : 

8 He that a watch would wear, this he must do, 
Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too.' " 
11 



122 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A person who dined in company with Dr. Johnson en- 
deavored to make his court to him by laughing immoderately 
at everything he said. The doctor bore it for some time with 
philosophical indifference ; but the impertinent ha, ha, ha ! 
becoming intolerable, " Pray, sir," said the doctor, " what is 
the matter ? I hope I have not said anything that you can 
comprehend." 



" We talked," says Boswell, " of the education of children, 
and I asked what he thought was best to teach them first." 
Johnson. — " Sir, it is no matter what you teach them first, 
any more than what leg you shall put into your breeches 
first. Sir, you may stand disputing which is best to put in 
first, but in the mean time your breech is bare. Sir, while 
you are considering which of two things you should teach 
your child first, another boy has learned them both." 



An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in whose coun- 
try was the best living, said the Welshman, "There is such 
noble house-keeping in Wales, that I have known about a 
dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner." " Ay," 
answered the Englishman; "that was because every man 
toasted his own cheese." 



On the master tailors and their journeymen going to law, 
a gentleman observed that the suits with which these worthies 
thus furnish each other will probably last longer than any 
they ever supplied their customers with, if the observation of 
the learned Daniel Burgess be true, that a law suit is a suit 
for life. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTE.-. 123 

HANGING TOGETHER. 
A Scotch clergyman, in the great rebellion, said in his 
prayer, " Lord, bless the Grand Council the Parliament, and 
grant they may all hang together.' 7 A country fellow stand- 
ing by said, "Amen, with all my heart, and the sooner the 
better; and I am sure 'tis the prayer of all good people ! " 
"Friends," says Mess John, "I don't mean as that fellow 
means ; but pray that they may all hang together in accord 
and concord." " No matter what cord," answered the rustic, 
"so 'tis but a strong cord ! " 



The desire of gain will sometimes inspire with dishonest 
cunning an illiterate savage. After a successful attack on 
the royal party, in 1745, a Highlander had gained a watch, 
as his share of the spoils of the vanquished. Unacquainted 
with its use, he listened with equal surprise and pleasure to 
the ticking sound with which his new acquisition amused 
him ; after a few hours, however, the watch was clown, the 
noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on the toy no 
longer with any satisfaction, determined to conceal the mis- 
fortune which had befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first 
person who offered him a trifle in exchange. He soon met 
with a customer; but, at parting, he could not conceal his 
triumph, and exultingly exclaimed, "Why, she died last 
night!" 



Two Irishmen one day a-gunning, a large flock of pigeons 
came flying over their heads. Patrick, elevating his piece 
and firing, brought one of them to the ground. " Arrah ! " 
exclaimed his companion, " what a fool are you to waste your 
ammunition, when the bare fall would have killed him ! " 



124 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ELWES, THE MISER. 

The eldest son of Elwes, the celebrated miser, having fallen 
down with a ladder when pulling some grapes, had the pre- 
caution to go into the village to the barber and get bled. On 
his return, he was asked where he had been, and what was 
the matter with his arm. He told his father what had hap- 
pened, and that he had got bled. " Bled ! " said the old gen- 
tleman ; " but what did you give ? " " A shilling," answered 
the boy. "Psha!" returned the father, " you are a block- 
head; never part with your blood" 

Elwes had two country-seats, the one in Suffolk and the 
other in Berkshire ; of these he gave the preference to the 
former, because his journey from town thither cost him two- 
pence-half-penny, that into Berkshire amounted to fourpence. 
At this time he was worth eight hundred thousand pounds. 



A GOOD TOAST. 

The following characteristic toast was given at an agricul- 
tural dinner, by Thomas G. Fessenden, Esq., editor of the 
New England Farmer : 

" The battle of the Cowpens: May Americans ahoays 
beat in Cow pens, Calf pens, Sheep pens, Pig pens, 
Authors' 1 pens, and all other pens." 



A gentleman lying on his death-bed called to his coach- 
man, who had been an old servant, and said, " Ah! Tom, I 
am going a long and rugged journey, worse than ever you 
drove me." " 0, dear sir," replied the fellow (he having 
been an indifferent master), "never let that discourage you. 
for it is all down hill." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 125 

HENRY, PRINCE OF CONDE. 
Tins prince, father of the great Conde, wishing privately 
to mortgage his estate of Muret, went incognito to an adjacent 
village, where lived one Arnoul, a notary. The notary was 
at dinner, and his wife waited without in the hall till he had 
dined. The prince inquired for Arnoul ; the woman answered, 
in her patois, "Arnoul is at dinner; sit you down on the 
bench there ; when Arnoul is at dinner, not a soul can speak 
with him, i' faith." The prince patiently sat down, waiting 
the event of Arnoul' s dinner. "When it was ended, he was 
introduced; the notary drew out the writing, leaving the 
names blank ; and, having read it aloud, asked the prince 
(whom he did not know either in person or as proprietor of 
the estate) his name and designation. "They are short," 
answered the client; "put Henry of Bourbon, Prince of 
Conde, First Prince of the Blood, Lord of Muret." Guess 
the poor notary's amazement ! Throwing himself on his 
knees, he begged pardon for his ignorance. The prince raised 
him, saying, "Fear nothing, my worthy friend. Arnoul was 
at dinner, you know." The story spread, and became a pro- 
vincial proverb, when one did not choose to be disturbed by 
an intrusion, — "'Arnoul is at dinner." 



A French officer, more remarkable for his birth and spirit 
than his riches, had served the Venetian republic with great 
valor and fidelity for some years, but had not met with pre- 
ferment adequate, by any means, to his merits. One day, he 
waited on an " illustrissimo " whom he had often solicited in 
vain, but on whose friendship he had still some reliance. The 
reception he met with was cool and mortifying ; the noble 
turned his back on the necessitous veteran, and left him to 
11* 



126 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

find his way to the street through a suite of apartments inag- * 
nificently furnished. He passed them, lost in thought, till, 
casting his eyes on a sumptuous sideboard, where stood, on a 
damask cloth, as a preparation for a showy entertainment, an 
invaluable collection of Venice glass, polished and formed to 
the highest degree of perfection, he took hold of a corner of 
the linen, and, turning to a faithful English mastiff who 
always accompanied him, said to the animal, in a kind of 
absence of mind, " There, my poor old friend ! you see how 
these scoundrels enjoy themselves, and yet how we are 
treated ! " The poor dog looked up in his master's face, and 
wagged his tail, as if he understood him. The master walked 
on, but the mastiff slackened his pace, and, laying hold of 
the damask cloth with his teeth, at one hearty pull brought 
all the sideboard in shivers to the ground, and deprived the 
insolent noble of his favorite exhibition of splendor. 



COALS TO NEWCASTLE. 

The chief apprehension of the Duke of Newcastle (the 
minister) was that of catching cold. Often, in the heat of 
summer, the debates in the House of Lords would stand still 
till some window were shut, in consequence of the duke's 
orders. The peers would all be melting in sweat, that the 
duke might not catch cold. 

When Sir Joseph Yorke was ambassador at the Hague, a 
curious instance happened of this idle apprehension. The 
late king going to Hanover, the duke must go with him, that 
his foes might not injure him in his absence. The day they 
svere to pass the sea, a messenger came, at five o'clock in the 
morning, and drew Sir Joseph's bed-curtains. Sir Joseph, 
starting, asked what was the matter. The man said he came 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 127 

from the Duke of Newcastle. " For God's sake/' exclaimed 
Sir Joseph, < : what is it 7 Is the king ill ?" " No." After 
eral fruitless questions, the messenger at length said, " The 
duke sent me to see you in bed, for in this bed he means to 
sleep.'' 

RIGHT CONJECTURE. 

A buck parson, going to read prayers at a village in the 
west of England, found some difficulty in putting on the sur- 
plice. "D — n this surplice!" said he to the clerk; " I 
think the devil is in it." Amen, astonished, waited till the 
parson had got it on, and then answered, :i I think as how he 



WALKING BY FAITH. 



A person saying that he would not believe there was any 
devil, because he had never seen him, was answered by 
another, ''By the same rule, I should believe you to have 
neither wit nor sense." 



A GOOD EXCUSE. 



The judges of the Court of Session, in case of their being 
unable to attend, always send an excuse to the Lord Presi- 
dent. On one occasion, when Lord Stonefield sent an apolo- 
getic note, Lord Eraxfield asked the president, in his broad 
dialect, "What excuse can a stout fellow like him hae'7" 
"My lord," answered the president, "he has lost his wife." 
"Lost his wife ! " exclaimed Braxfield, whose connubial lot 
was not the most happy ; " that is a good excuse, truly: I 
wish we had a' the same ! " 



128 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



CAUSE AND EFFECT. 



Two gentlemen happening to meet, the one observed, " So 

our friend , the attorney, is dead." "Yes, and I 

hear he left very few effects P "It could not be otherwise; 
he had very few causes" 



EXTREMELY POLITE. 



A good story is told of a sheriff who came near being out- 
done by a person it was in the line of his duty to hang. 
" Sir," said the gentleman, a3 the sheriff was carefully ad- 
justing the rope, " really, your attentions deserve my thanks. 
In fact, I do not know of one I should rather have hang me." 
"Really," said the sheriff, "you are pleased to be compli- 
mentary. I do not know of another individual it would give 
me so much pleasure to hang." 



A gentleman of the bar in Ireland walking one day 
with a friend, who was extremely precise in pronunciation, 
the latter hearing a person near him say curosityiov curi- 
osity ', exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English 
language ! " " Not so bad," said the other ; "he has only 
knocked an /out." 



In a remote part of Bavaria, Bayard Taylor stopped for 
breakfast at an inn, where there was a young man who was 
to start the next morning, an emigrant to New York. They 
plied our friend with questions ; but what most troubled the 
youth's father was, " the fact he had heard that no one was 
allowed to sit down in an American inn, but each one must 
drink his beer standing, and immediately walk out." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 129 

In the Limerick paper, an Irish gentleman, whose lady 
had absconded from him, thus cautions the public against 
trusting her : " My wife has eloped from me without rhyme 
or reason, and I desire no one to trust her on my account, 
for I am not married to her ! ?? 



Pyrrho, the head of the sect called after his name, asserted 
that there was no difference between life and death. Some 
person, in ridicule of this absurd position, asked Pyrrho why 
he did not die, as life and death were the same. " For that 
very reason,'' replied he, "because there is no difference 
between the two states.' 3 



Several of the British dames are very fond of the Trafal- 
gar garter, on which is inscribed the memorable signal, "Eng- 
land expects every man will do his duty.*' 



A certain noted physician at Bath was lately complaining 
in a coffee-house in that city that he had three fine daughters, 
to whom he should give ten thousand pounds each, and yet 
that he could find nobody to marry them. "With your lave, 
doctor/"' said an Irishman who was present, stepping up and 
making a very respectful bow, "I'll take two of them ! " 



A country actor, performing the part of Richmond in the 
tragedy of Richard III., had the misfortune to find his mem- 
ory completely fail when he had reached the words, "'Thus 
far into the bowels of the land have we marched on without 



130 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

impediment." After having repeated these words several 
times, the audience testified their displeasure by a general 
hiss, when, coming forward, he thus addressed them : " Ladies 
and gentlemen, thus far into the bowels of the land have we 
marched on without impediment, and I declare I cannot get 
any farther." 



"But, as I said before, we have proved to you where 
that town-line is. Yes, gentlemen of the jury, there it is, 
and there it will remain forever ; and all the ingenuity of my 
learned brother can never efface it — can never wash it out. 
No, gentlemen, he may plant one foot on the utmost verge 
of the outermost ring of the planet Saturn, and plant the 
other on Arcturus, and seize the Pleiades by the hair and 
wring them till they are dry, but he cannot wash out that 
town-line." 



The following is a copy of a joiner's bill for jobbing in a 
Catholic church in Bohemia: " For solidly repairing St. 
Joseph, 4id. ; for cleansing and ornamenting the Holy Ghost, 
9d. ; for repairing the Virgin Mary, before and behind, and 
making her a child, 5s. ; for furnishing a nose for the devil, 
putting a horn on his head, and gluing a piece to his tail, 
4s. 6d" 



BACK AGAIN. 



A poor fellow in Scotland, creeping through the hedge of 
an orchard, with an intention to rob it, was seen by the owner, 
who called out to him, " Sawney, hoot man, where are you 
gangin' ? " " Back again" said Sawney. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 131 

HORRIBLE INSTANCE OF REVENGEFUL JEALOUSY. 

The Marchioness of Astorgass, who lived in the time of 
Charles the Second, King of Spain, suspected the fidelity of 
her husband. Having discovered that he had engaged in an 
amour with a young lady distinguished almost beyond the 
rest of her sex by the graces of her person and the beauties 
of her countenance, she flew at once to this unfortunate ob- 
ject of her resentment, murdered her, tore out her heart, and 
then, returning home, had it served up among the dishes at 
the table of her husband. When he had eaten of it, she 
asked him whether the dish she had purposely prepared for 
him proved agreeable to his palate. He answered that he had 
found it delicious. "At this," said she, "I am not sur- 
prised, for it is the heart of the woman whom you so much 
adored." Scarcely had she uttered these words, when, taking 
from a cabinet the bloody head of this devoted victim to her 
jealousy, she rolled it along the table at which her husband 
and several of his friends were sitting. Availing herself of 
the first moments, in which they remained motionless and as- 
tonished at the horror of the scene, the marchioness instantly 
disappeared, took refuge in a convent, and there, becoming 
a lunatic, expired under an agony of mind too shocking to 
admit of a description. 



WISDOM CONCEALED. 

Two men conversing, one asked the other what was the 
reason men were afraid, some of one thing, and some of an- 
other. The other said he did not know, but he was more 
afraid of a dog than he was of a man ; and, turning to Mr. 
Broughton (seeing him very serious), asked him the same 
question. Seeing their sportive intentions. Mr. Broughton 



132 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

replied, "The reasons are easily assigned; man can be rea- 
soned with, but not a dog." They lowered their lofty mas- 
tiff tails, and went their way, saying, " He is a man of sound 
intellect." 



A MATRIMONIAL PAIR OF ANECDOTES OF CONJUGAL 
AFFECTION. 

As an old man of the name of Michael Young, who lived 
at the bottom of the West Lomond Hill in Fife, was breath- 
ing his last, his wife, somewhat tired with her long vigils 
over his latter illness, breathed the following affectionate hints 
into his ear: "Be wearin, Michaelie; be wearin (going). 
Ye ken the candle 's wastin, and the folks wearyin. Be 
wearin, Michaelie, my man." 

The wife of a small farmer in Aberdeenshire having been 
long confined to bed before the time when her last moment 
approached, the husband, who was of a very niggardly disposi- 
tion, at length grudged to let her have so much as a light by 
the side of her bed. One night, when in this dark condition, 
she exclaimed, " 0, isna this an unco thing, that a puir body 
can get nae licht to see to die wi' ! " The husband instantly 
rose up, lighted a candle, and, bringing it forward hastily to 
the bottom of the bed, said, " There, die now ! " 



DELICATE CONSCIENCE. 

Duncan M'Iver, a Highland clergyman, having raised 
what is called an action for augmentation of stipend before 
the Court of Sessions, thought proper next Sunday to apolo- 
gize to his parishioners for what he had done, in the following 
manner : "In the day of joodgment, the gude Lord '11 say 
to me, 'Wha's this ye hae wi' ye the cloy, Duncan? Ye 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 133 

hae mony ane there, Duncan.' Then I '11 pe say to the gude 
Lord, ' They 're a' your ain pairns, I hae brought up for ye, 
gude Lord.' He '11 pe say, 'That's weel dune, Duncan; 
they '11 nae doubt hae paid ye weel for that ? ' But I r ll joost 
gie a fidge, and draw up my shuthers ; for Duncan M'lver 
disna like to tell lies." 



APPLICATION OF SCRIPTURE. 

Pope Innocent the XL was the son of a banker. He 
was elected on the day of St. Matthew ; and from that day, 
Pasquin says, — il Invenerunt hominem sedentnm in telo- 
nio!" — '-They found the men sitting at the seat of ex- 
change." 



One day, Lord Kelly, whose frequent sacrifices to Bac- 
chus produced a rubicund nose that would have done honor to 
Bardolph himself, called on Mr. Foote, at his villa at Fulham. 
" 0, Kelly," says the wag, " I am very glad you are come. 
My peaches are very backward; do, for God's sake, hold 
your nose over them for two or three hours ! " 



An Irishman (according to Sir Jonas Barrington), having 
been wounded in the side in a duel, was asked to describe 
the sensation caused by the stroke of the pistol-bullet, "It 
felt," said the wounded man, '-as if I had been punched by 
the mainmast of a seventy-four." 



A certain auctioneer, having become an innkeeper, and 
soon after being thrown into prison, the following paragraph 
12 



134 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



respecting him appeared in the morning papers : " Mr. . 

who lately left the pulpit for the bar, is now promoted to the 
benchP 



PARIS NEWS COURIER. 

At the time of the disputes between the Jesuits and the 
Jansenists, a paper entitled Ecclesiastical Neios was par- 
ticularly distinguished for wit and delicacy, as much as bit- 
terness, irony, and satire. For the space of two years all 
the vigilance of the Paris police was in vain exerted to come 
at its authors and distributors. A wager was laid with M. 
Herault, lieutenant of the police, that this should get into 
Paris, at such a turnpike, on such a day, and at such an 
hour, and yet that it should escape the vigilance of the police 
clerks. In fact, agreeably to these conditions, and especially 
at the appointed place, a man makes his appearance, who is 
stopped, and searched with the greatest strictness, but in 
vain. No notice was taken of a shagged dog he had along 
with him, and who was trained to this business. It was a 
common dog, who, under his coat, thick set with hair, carried 
a number of these light papers. The magistrate laughed at 
the trick, and owned himself outwitted. At length, he was 
more fortunate ; one of the printers was discovered. This 
incident did not put a stop to the publication ; the concur- 
rence of the Parliament of Paris and the archbishop to 
destroy it made the publication revive. 



AN ECCENTRIC DIVINE. 

Some years since there resided in R an eccentric but 

most worthy divine of the Baptist persuasion, by the name of 
Driver, — yet more familiarly known by the name of Tom 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 135 

Driver, — who loved a good joke, no matter whom it hit, pro- 
vided it wounded not too deeply. One day, while returning 
from a visit to a brother clergyman of an adjacent town, 
meeting a man with an exceedingly poor yoke of oxen, and 
an unusually large load of hay, which was so deeply in the 
mire that the united efforts of the cattle could not start it 
from its position, he accosted him with, "Well, friend, what 
is the matter?" " Matter enough; I'm in the mud, and 
can't get out." " Your oxen are too lean for such a load. 
You should give them more to eat, for you know T that the 
Bible says, ' Whoso giveth to the poor lendeth to the Lord.' " 
The farmer replied that that was not the reason. " Well, 
what is it, then?" asked the divine. "Why, they are just 

like the North Baptist Church at R ," replied the farmer, 

pettishly; "they want a darned sight better Driver than 
they 've got now." 



An ignorant person applied to a gentleman to be his bailiff 
on a farm ; and, willing to convey an idea of his skill in the 
treatment of cattle, informed the gentleman that he had 
always been beastly inclined. 



Two soldiers being condemned to death, the general, being 
prevailed upon to spare one of them, ordered them to cast a 
die upon the head of a drum for their lives. The first, throw- 
ing two sixes, fell a wringing his hands ; but was agreeably 
surprised, when the other threw two sixes also. The officer 
appointed to see the execution ordered them to throw again. 
They did so, and each of them threw two fives ; at which the 
soldiers round shouted, and said neither of them were to die. 
Hereupon the officer acquainted the council of war, who 



136 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ordered them to throw again ; which they did, and threw two 
fours. The general, being made acquainted with it, sent for 
the two men, and pardoned them. "I love/ 7 said he, "in 
such extraordinary cases, to listen to the voice of Provi- 
dence." 



LOYE. 

" Martha, does thee love me?" asked a Quaker youth 
of one at whose shrine his heart's holiest feelings had been 
offered up. "Why, Seth," answered she, "we are com- 
manded to love one another, are we not?" " Ah, Martha, 
but does thee regard me with the feeling the world calls 
love?" "I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth. I have 
greatly feared that my heart is an erring one. I have tried 
to bestow my love on all ; but I may have sometimes thought, 
perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than thy share." 



An Irishman w r as seen in the upper part of the city, with 
the words "A Tenant Wanted"' in letters painted on a piece 
of pasteboard, suspended around his neck. Pat was asked 
who w r anted a tenant. l * And it ? s meself," he replied, " that 
wants the tenant." " For what house?" "I don't care 
what kind of a house, so as it is a dacent one and sure 
wages." "You are a fool, Paddy, or else somebody has 
been making a fool of you ; why don ? t you say ( a situation 
wanted' on your show-bill ? " "Aha! my darlint," replied 
the Irishman, "and it is there ye are? I want to be occu- 
pied, and can I be occupied widout having a tenant? " 



A gentleman, on his travels, called his servant to the side 
of the post-chaise. " Tom," says he, " here is a guinea 



OXE THOUSAND ANE 1S7 

which is too light, and I can get nobody to take it ; do you, 
and part with it. some how or other, on the road." '-'Yes, 
sir,*' says the footman, " I will endeavor.*' When they came 
to their inn at night, the gentleman called to his servant, to 
know if he had passed off the guinea. ' ; Yes, sir,'' says the 
man, "I did it, slyly. " "Ay, Tom,"' says the master, i: I 
fancy thou art a sly sort of fellow ; but tell me how." 
"Why, sir," says the footman, "the people refused it at 
breakfast, and so they did where your honor dined ; but, as I 
had a groat to pay at the turnpike, I whipped him between 
the half-pence, and the man put it into his pocket, and never 
saw it." 



KINDNESS OF A CAKPEXTEK. 

A carpenter, having neglected to make a gibbet (which 
was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had 
not been paid for the last that he had erected, gave so much 
offence that the next time the judge came the circuit he was 
sent for. "Fellow," said the judge, in a stern tone, "how 
came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on 
my account? " ''I humbly beg your pardon," said the car- 
penter, :: had I known it had been for your lordship, it 
should have been done immediately." 



OXE AT A TIME, GENTLEMEN. 

Oxe Sunday evening, when the weather was extremely 
hot, the windows of a parish church in the diocese of 
Gloucester v t open to admit more air, while the con- 

gregation was assembled for divine service. Just as the cler- 
gyman was beginning his weekly discourse (who, by the by, 
was not mu- oratorical powers), a jackass, 



138 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

which had been grazing in the church-yard, popped his head 
in at the window, and began braying with all his might, as 
if in opposition to the reverend preacher. On this, a wag 
present immediately got up from his seat, and, with great 
gravity of countenance, exclaimed, " One at a time, gentle- 
men, if you please ! n The whole congregation set up a loud 
laugh, when the jackass took fright, and gave up the contest ; 
though, from the clergyman's chagrin and confusion, he would 
probably not have been the worst orator. 



ROMAN BON MOT. 
Metellus, whose mother had been a Roman of great gal- 
lantry, meaning to reproach Cicero with the meanness of his 
,Jbirth, " Learn," said Metellus, " who was your father." " It 
would be much more difficult for you," answered Cicero, "to 
learn who your father was." 



DELICATE REPROOF. 

Cicero, seeing Tullia, his daughter, walking with too 
much precipitation, and her husband too slow for a man, rep- 
rehended them both, by saying to Tullia, in the presence of 
Piso, "Look at your husband, — it is thus a woman should 
walk." 

We sometimes get jokes from Illinois, and the latest is the 
following. It is a good bit of drollery, quite original, we 
believe, and we must put it on file among the funny things 
of the times. A constable that had lately been inducted into 
office was in attendance on the court, and was ordered by the 
judge to callJohn Bell and Elizabeth Bell. He immediately 
began, at the top of his lungs: "'John Bell and Elizabeth 



ONE THOUSAND AXECDOTES. 139 

Bell ! " " One at a time/' said the judge. " One at a time. 
one at a time, one at a time/ 7 shouted the constable. 
" Now you 've done it," exclaimed the judge, out of patience. 
"Now you've done it, now you've done it, now you've 
done IT ! " yelled the constable. There was no standing 
this : the court, bar and bystanders, broke into a heavy 
laugh, to the perfect surprise and dismay of the astonished 
constable. 



"TO SHAME A LIAR, TELL A GREATER LIE." 

Sir Patrick Blake was once in company where a noble- 
man — since dead — was relating many wonderful accounts 
of echoes which he had heard abroad, more particularly one 
in the ruins of a temple on the Appian way, about twelve 
miles from Rome, which, he said, '"repeated any words 
seventy times.' 7 '-That," replied Sir Patrick, who had 
listened with great attention to much more than he believed, 
"is nothing wonderful. There is an echo on my brother's 
estate, near the lake of Killarney, in Ireland, to which I 
have frequently said, "Good-morrow, Madam Echo!" and 
it has immediately answered, "Good-morrow, Sir Patrick 
Blake ; how do you do? " The nobleman never afterwards 
told his wonderful tale of echoes before Sir Patrick. 



A GOLDEN COVEY. 

Domixico, the celebrated harlequin, going to see Louis 
XIV., at supper fixed his eye on a dish of partridges. The 
king, who was fond of his acting, said, "Give that dish to 
Dominico." — "'And the partridges, too. sire?*' Louis, pen- 
etrating his art. replied, "And the partridges, too.*' The 
dish was gold. 



140 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



METAPHYSICS. 



A Scotch blacksmith, being asked the meaning of meta- 
physics, explained it as follows : " When the party who listens 
disna ken what the party who speaks means, and when the 
party who speaks disna ken what he means himself, — that is 
metaphysics." 

DOCTOR MACK NIGHT. 

The Rev. Doctors Henry and M' Knight, of Edinburgh, 
used occasionally to meet in the evening at an old lady's 
house in Merchant-street, where, after tea, the newspapers 
were commonly produced. On one of these nights, while 
Dr. H. was reading, he desired Dr. M'K. to snuff the candle, 
which, in the attempt, he extinguished. "Well done, Dr. 
Mack-m^Atf," said Dr. H., ironically. 



ANECDOTE OF A LATE PASHA OF GRAND CAIRO. 

A late Pasha of Grand Cairo, in Egypt, a man of keen 
parts, and, for a Turk, tolerably well versed in the history 
of antiquity, finding himself reduced to one of those misera- 
ble expedients of extortion by which the Ottoman Empire 
subsists, ordered the most opulent individuals of the Jewish 
nation, who are rich and numerous at Grand Cairo, to appear 
before him. The anxious infidels approached the dread divan. 
" I have been reading, ye caffres ! (Anglice, scoundrels) the 
annals of your people," said the pasha; "and I find, by 
your own confession, that your forefathers borrowed of mine 
an immense quantity of jewels, plate and money, which have 
never been repaid. Begone, this moment ! Make up your 
accounts, and bring me in the balance, or, by the beard of the 
holy prophet " The terrified Hebrews ran home, and 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 141 

returned back to the divan with their hearts fall of sorrow, 
and their purses filled with sequins. The pasha approved 
their account, accepted the balance, and gave them a regular 
discharge. 



ALL ABOVE-BOARD. 

Alexander the Great being urged to give battle in the 
night. •• Xo.'* said he. ;> I will not allow it to be said that I 
am indebted to darkness for victory. 73 

The same prince refused to see a beautiful woman whom 
he had made prisoner. lt For fear." said he. " I should be 
captivated by my captive.' 3 



MILITARY ELOQUENCE. 

Ax officer in the army of Henry IV.. who commanded a 
regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy ad- 
vancing, who appeared newly equipped, said to his soldiers. 
: - There, my brave fellows. ep and clothe yourselves. 73 



PREACHERS. 

The following eulogium was given to a great preacher : 
"His audience, apprehensive that his discourse was drawing 
to a conclusion, were continually in pain." 



Over a door, in the neighborhood of Lincoln's Inn-fields, 
is written. " J. Death, dealer in spirituous liquors/'" 



A wag at Manchester advertised threepence reward for 
the sight of a guinea, as the greatest rarity of the times. 



142 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

When Cherry formed the scheme of taking a company to 
Calcutta, the terms talked of were enormous. A lac of 
rupees per month was promised to the walking gentlemen, 
&c. &c. The question went round, "What is a lac of 
rupees?" None of the actors were sufficiently acquainted 
with the course of exchange to reply ; but Munden, who was 
opposed to the scheme, said, "Do you know what a lack of 
money is?" "Yes, yes." "Then that means exactly the 
same thing" The result proved that Joey was right. 



Philanthropos, walking in Bowdoin-street the other day, 
observed a heavy cart, which two poor, jaded horses were 
attempting to draw up the hill. They arrived about half 
way, when their strength failed them, and they could neither 
draw nor remain where they were, and the team began back- 
ing down the hill. The teamster sought for a stone to block 
the ^wheels, when Philanthropos, in his eagerness to lend his 
aid, rushed forward and put his new hat under the wheel. 
The team was not stopped, but his hat was. 



An Irish student was once asked what was meant by pos- 
thumous works. "They are such works," says Paddy, "as 
a man writes after he is dead." 



Charles James Fox, canvassing for an election, asked 
the vote of an honest mechanic, who was bitterly opposed to 
his interests. The fellow refused it, but presented him with 
a halter. " Pray, sir, keep it," says the wit, " for I presume 
it must be a family piece." v 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 143 

ABERCORX FAMILY. 

Sir George Hamilton, fourth son of James, first Earl 
of Abercorn, married Mary, third sister to James, Duke of 
Ormond; her nieces, daughters of the Duke of Ormond, 
Lady Mary, wife of the Earl of Devonshire, and Elizabeth, 
second wife of the Earl of Chesterfield, were the reigning 
beauties of the age. The scandalous chronicles of these times 
charge the husband of the Countess of Chesterfield with hav- 
ing caused her to take the sacrament upon her innocence 
respecting any intimacy with the Duke of York, and having 
then bribed his chaplain to put poison into the sacrament cup, 
of which she died. His son, Lord Stanhope, by his third 
wife (father of Lord Chesterfield, the author), married Ger- 
trude Saville, daughter of the Marquis of Halifax. The 
marquis and earl quarrelled, and the latter made his son bring 
his wife to Litchfield, breaking off all intercourse between the 
families. Lady Stanhope had always on her toilet her fath- 
er's " Advice to a Daughter; " her father-in-law took it up 
one day, and wrote in the title-page, " Labor in vain.". On 
her side, the lady made her servant out of livery carry in his 
pocket a bottle of wine, another of water, and a cup ; and 
whenever she dined or supped in company with her father-in- 
law, she never would drink but of those liquors from her 
servant's hand, as a hint to the earl, and society present, of 
what his lordship was suspected of having effected by a similar 
beverage. 



The learned Dr. West having married a lady by the name 
of Experience, who was very tall, being asked what he 
thought of the married state, replied that "by long Expe- 
rience he had found it a good thing to be married." 



144 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A surgeon, being sent for to a gentleman who had just 
received a slight wound in a rencounter, gave orders to his 
servant to go home, with all the haste imaginable, and fetch a 
certain plaster. The patient, turning pale, exclaimed, " Lord, 
sir, I hope there is no danger!" "Yes, indeed there is," 
answered the surgeon; "for, if the fellow does not make 
haste, it will heal before he returns." 



NERVES. 

A dow t ager Duchess of Bedford, in her eighty-fifth year, 
was living at Buxton at a time w T hen it was the medical farce 
of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim 
and caprice into !! a shock of the nervous system." Her 
grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the room what 
brought them there, and being generally answered "for a 
nervous complaint," was asked, in her turn, what brought her 
to Buxton. " I came only for pleasure," answered the hale 
old lady; "for, thank God, I was born before nerves came 
into fashion." 



SUBSTANCE AND SHADOW. 

A fellow* went to the parish priest, and told him, with a 
long face, that he had seen a ghost. "When and where?" 
said the pastor. "'Last night," replied the man, "I was 
passing by the church, and up against the wall of it did I 
behold the spectre." " In what shape did it appear ? " asked 
the priest. "'It appeared in the shape of a great ass." 
"'Go home, and hold your tongue about it," rejoined the 
pastor; "you are a very timid man, and have been fright- 
ened by your oivn shadoivP 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 145 

NEW OPPOSITIONIST. 

A dog having one day got into the House of Commons, by 
his barking interrupted Lord North, who happened to be 
opening one of his budgets. His lordship pleasantly inquired 
by what new oppositionist he was attacked. A wag replied, 
" It was a member for JBar&-shire." 



FOX AND SHERIDAN. 

Sheridan was down at Brighton one summer, when Fox, 
the manager, desirous of showing him some civility, took him 
all over the theatre, and exhibited its beauties. "There, 
Mr. Sheridan, ;; said Fox, who combined twenty occupations, 
without being clever in one, "I built and painted all these 
boxes, and I painted all these scenes." "Did you?" said 
Sheridan, surveying them rapidly; "well, I should not, I 
am sure, have known you were a Fox by your brush" 



ACCOUNT OF 3VIULY MOLUC. 

When Don Sebastian, King of Portugal, had invaded the 
territories of Muly Moluc, Emperor of Morocco, in order to 
dethrone him, and set his crown upon the head of his nephew, 
Moluc was wearing away with a distemper which he himself 
knew was incurable ; — however, he prepared for the recep- 
tion of so formidable an enemy. He was, indeed, so far spent 
with his sickness that he did not expect to live out the whole 
day, when the last decisive battle was given ; but. knowing 
the fatal consequences that would happen to his children and 
people in case he should die before he put an end to that war, 
he commanded his principal officers, that if he died during the 
13 



146 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

engagement they should conceal his death from the army, and 
that they should ride up to the litter in which his corpse was 
carried, under pretence of receiving orders from him as usual. 
Before the battle began, he was carried through all the ranks 
of his army in an open litter, as they stood drawn up in array, 
encouraging them. to fight valiantly in defence of their religion 
and country. Finding, afterwards, the battle to go against 
him, though he was very near his last agonies, he threw him- 
self out of his litter, rallied his army, and led them on to the 
charge, which afterwards ended in a complete victory on the 
part of the Moors. He had no sooner brought his men to the 
engagement, but, finding himself utterly spent, he was again 
replaced in his litter, where, laying his finger on his mouth, 
to enjoin secrecy to his officers, who stood about him, he died 
a few moments after in that posture, with scarcely a groan. 



CURIOUS TYPOGRAPHICAL ANECDOTE. 

It is well known to literary people that, in preparing 
works for the press, it is usual for the printer, after the 
proof-sheets have been seen by the author, to go over them 
again, and clear them of what are called typographical errors, 
such as wrong spellings, inaccuracies of punctuation, and sim- 
ilar imperfections. In performing this office for a celebrated 
northern critic and editor, a printer, now dead, was in the 
habit of introducing a much greater number of commas than 
it appeared to the author the sense required. The case was 
provoking, but did not produce a formal remonstrance, until 
Mr. W — n himself accidentally afforded the learned editor an 
opportunity of signifying his dissatisfaction with the plethora 
of punctuation under which his compositions were made to 
labor. The worthy printer, coming to a passage one day 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 147 

which he did not understand, very naturally took it into his 
head that it was unintelligible, and transmitted it to his em- 
ployer, with a remark on the margin that " there appeared 
some obscurity in it." The sheet was immediately returned, 
with this reply, which we give verbatim: " Mr. J. sees no 
obscurity here, except such as arises from the d — d quantity 
of commas, which Mr. W — n seems to keep in a pepper-box 
beside him. for the purpose of dusting all his proofs with." 



BETTER OR WORSE. 



M I prat you, dear Thomas, don't rave thus, and curse ; 

You know that you took me for better or worse." 
" So I did," replied Thomas, "but, then, madam, look ye, 

You proved, upon trial, much worse than I took ye." 



NO ATTORNEYS ADMITTED. 

A man who had a case in court said that if he lost it in 
the Common Pleas he would appeal to the Supreme Court, 
and from there to the United States Court, and from there to 
heaven. " Certainly, then/' replied a gentleman, "you will 
be defeated ; for you will not be present to answer for yourself, 
and no attorney is ever admitted there ! ?; 



A country girl riding by a turnpike-road without paying 
toll, the gate-keeper hailed her and demanded his fee. On 
her demanding his authority, he referred her to his sign, 
where she read, "A man and horse, six cents/' "Well," 
jays she, "you can demand nothing of me, as this is but a 
voman and a mare." 



148 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

HIGHLAND CHRISTIANITY. 

A Highlander was visited on his death-bed by his cler- 
gyman, who exhorted Donald to prepare himself for another 
world by a sincere repentance of all the crimes he had com- 
mitted on earth, and strongly urged the absolute necessity of 
forgiving his enemies. Donald shrugged up his shoulders at 
this hard request ; yet he at last agreed to forgive every per- 
son w r ho had injured him, except one, who had long been the 
Highlander's mortal foe, and of whom Donald hoped the par- 
son would make an exception. 



TWO BITES OF A CHERRY. 

Mr. A. Cherry, the performer, was written to, a few years 
ago, with the offer of a very capital engagement from a man- 
ager, who, on a former occasion, had not behaved altogether 
well to him. Cherry sent him word that he had been bit by 
him once, and he was resolved that he should not make two 
bites of A. Cherry" 



A bacchanalian candidate offering for a country borough 
in England, the electors unanimously agreed that he was a 
very proper man to szy>?ORT. 



Several gentlemen were assembled opposite a tavern in 
Augusta, viewing a very small horse. One of the company 
observing that he had never seen so small a one before, an 
Irishman present declared that he did not think him a small 
horse at all, "for I have seen one in Ireland as little as 
tivo of him." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 149 

SERMONIZING MOVINGLY. 

The Abbe Dufont, "who in general was a good preacher, 
was apt, on some subjects, to be immoderately tedious. When- 
ever the founder of the Jesuits was introduced, he never 
failed to enter on a tiresome panegyric on his favorite saint. 
One day he compared him with all the celestial hierarchy, and 
could find no place honorable enough for him, while his long 
paragraphs were ever closed with the exclamation, "Where 
shall we place this great patriarch?" An auditor, whose 
patience was exhausted, rose up, and said, " Since you are so 
puzzled, he may have my place, for I am going." 



A ROUSES. 

Father Seraphin, a noted Capuchin, of pious simplicity, 
was preaching before Louis XIV. at Versailles, when he per- 
ceived the Abbe Fenelon asleep. Stopping in the midst of 
his discourse, he said, ""Wake that abbe who is asleep, and 
who perhaps only attends here to pay his court to the king." 
Louis smiled, and pardoned the disrespect, in consideration of 
the father's simplicity of character." 



MARGAROT. 



Margarot, one of the English members of the British 
Convention which met at Edinburgh in the year 1792 for 
the avowed purpose of revolutionizing the British nation, — 
a man preeminent in effrontery and profligacy, — -was, on the 
day of his trial before the High Court of Justiciary, accom- 
panied by the lowest rabble of Edinburgh, who took the 
horses from the carriage in which he was conveyed, and 
13* 



150 ONE THOUSAND ANL'CDOTES. 

dragged him to the Parliament House. On entering the 
court, he was complaining bitterly of a blow he had received 
on one of his legs. "Poh, man! be comforted," cried one 
of the macers that accompanied him, " I suppose 'tis only 
one of your horses has given you a kick." 



NO SINECURE. 



Colonel M., of the Perthshire Cavalry, was complaining 
that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was 
obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. " I am," said 
he, " my own captain, my ow T n lieutenant, my own cornet," — 
u And trumpeter ) I presume," said a lady present. 



COSMO DE medicis. 

The Duke of Tuscany complained to an ambassador from 
the republic of Venice that his predecessor had behaved very 
ill during; his residence at Florence. "Your highness must 
not be surprised," said the ambassador, " for I can assure 
you we have many fools at Venice." " We have also fools 
at Florence," replied the duke, "but we take care never to 
send them out of the country on public business." 



The cook of one of the colleges at Cambridge was lately 
ordered into the room to receive a lecture, for sending up a 
dish that appeared dirty, in which there was a calf's head. 
The cook denied the charge, and, looking at the person who 
made the complaint, said, "I beg your pardon, sir; the dish 
is so clean that you may see your face in it." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 151 

When Dr. Johnson was told that Rousseau's Confessions 
would contain every motive that had induced him to act in 
every situation, "Then," replied he, "if he was an honest 
man, his book will not be worth a farthing." 



Stephen Kemble happening to pass through Newport 
Market, the butchers set up their usual cry of "What d' ye 
buy? What d'ye buy?" Stephen parried this for some 
time, by saying he did not want anything. At last a 
butcher started from his stall, and, eying Stephen's figure 
from top to bottom, which certainly did not indicate that he 
fed on air, exclaimed, "Well, sir, though you do not now 
want anything, only say you buy your meat of me, and you 
will make my fortune." 



An Irish conjuror and ventriloquist, of the name of Ray, 
but who called himself " Le Sieur Ray," to blarney his 
countrymen (though he spoke a brogue thick enough to have 
been cut with a knife, as Bowles used to say), exhibiting before 
their late majesties, refused to perform his grand deception 
till the queen said cockalorum, in which he pretended the 
charm consisted. Her majesty thought the word either diffi- 
cult or indelicate, and declined; but the king was so bent 
upon the great astonishment, that he turned round to her 
good-naturedly, and said, " Say cockalorum, Charlotte, — say 
cockalorum." 



Dr. A , physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a 

vestry in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt 
so long on the fellow's misconduct, as to raise his choler, 



152 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

and draw from him this expression: " Sir, I was in hopes 
you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or 
that you would have been the last man alive to appear against 
me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours ! " 



FLATTERY BY THE TON. 



Louis XIV., having asked Boileau in what year her wa$ 
born, that poet answered him, "I came into the world one 
year before your majesty, to announce the wonders of your 



ROYAL GRAVITATION. 

When all the court were sliding on the Seine, whicii was 
frozen over, Henry IV. wished also to join them ; the Mar- 
shal Bassompierre prevented him. " The others are sliding," 
said Henry IV. " Ah, sire," answered Bassompierre, " but 
you are of greater weight than the others." 



A FINE REPLY OF A SOLDIER. 

A soldier, in the army of Marshal Turenne, took the 
name of that general, who reprimanded him for it. u How 
am I to blame, general?" said the soldier. "I have my 
choice of names ; if I had known one more illustrious than 
yours, I should have taken it." This ingenious answer pro- 
cured him a reward. 



The most loquacious persons frequently are the slowest to 
perform. 

Everywhere endeavor to be useful, and everywhere you 
will be at home. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTE.-. 153 

AN IMPORTED PAT-RIOT ON HIS COUNTRY-SEAT. 

Here, reader, is a pat-riot sample of one of the monthly 
additions made to our maternal census every month by the 
humane (a fruitful importation law) ; but we have a very 
broad country, and broader charity, and I suppose we might 
just as well make up our minds to take them as they come. — 
good, bad. and very bad. One of these citizens had the good 
luck to be landed on our country coast a few days ago, with 
all his 'arthly possessions, which were an empty chest, a 
tobaccy-pipe, and a shillelah : when, seating himself upon his 
box, which had served as a table, trunk, bedstead and chair, 
and gazing round upon a very large prospect of the land of 
liberty, he thus broke out, in modern Greek : '-Hurrah! och, 
be St. Paddy, an' its here I am on my country-seat, in the 
blest land of liberty, where whiskey runs as clear as mud, 
where tobaccy grows right up, too, — yes, ready to be smoked; 
jist where paratees peel themselves ready for the pot, an' 
where there 's nothin to do at all, at all, but to improve the 
breed of the shillelah by knockin one another down, till ye 
get up into the first office in the counthry. Och, the swate 
liberty of dyin in a row, for the sake o' seein' yourself laid 
out an' buried with the honors o' the cudgel; mate three 
times a day, an' pig for dinner ; and, above all, to live in a 
house wid a bit of a steeple on it to escort the smoke out, an' a 
separate lodgin' for the sow and pigs jist. Hurrah for swate 
Amerikee ! Lord bless the ship that transported me over 
the water ! " 

Folly is a bad quality ; but never to endure it in others 
is a greater folly. 

Xo man ever did an injury designedly to another, that did 
not injure himself the most. 



154 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

HOW TO FIND YOUR MAN. 

A person having unprovokedly struck iEsop, the latter 
said, " I am greatly obliged to you; 55 and, giving him a piece 
of gold, " though I cannot afford, at present, to give you 
more, I '11 show you a person presently who can : give this 
man coming up to us such a blow, and you will be well re- 
warded." The aggressor, being pot-valiant, and moreover 
fool enough to follow iEsop's counsel, struck the gentleman. 
He happened to be a magistrate. JEsop's friend was seized, 
imprisoned, and held himself very fortunate to escape with a 
severe flagellation. 

An Irishman, on board a man-of-war, was desired by his 
messmate to go down and fetch a can of small beer. Teague, 
knowing that preparations were making to sail, absolutely 
refused. " Arrah, my shoul, 55 says he, " and so, w T hen I am 
gone into the cellar to fetch beer, the ship will sail away, and 
leave me behind. 55 



At a rehearsal of Artaxerxes, the celebrated Mrs. Bad- 
dely, who sustained the principal female character, called out, 
in a peremptory manner, " Fellow, bring me my crook. 55 
Mr. Simonds immediately replied, " Madam, your fellow is 
not in the world." 



Jean Paul says love may slumber in a lady 5 s heart, but 
it always dreams. 

The fool has one advantage over an educated man, — he is 
always contented with himself. 

Those who have had the most forgiven them should be the 
least addicted to slander. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 155 

ANECDOTE OF JAMES V. 

King James the Fifth, in one of his pedestrian tours, 
is said to have called at the village of Markinch, in Fife ; 
and. going into the only change-house, desired to be furnished 
with some refreshment. The gudewife informed him that her 
only room was then engaged by the minister and schoolmas- 
ter, but that she believed they would have no objection to 
admit him into their company. He entered, was made very 
welcome, and began to drink with them. After a tough 
debauch of several hours, during which he succeeded in com- 
pletely ingratiating himself with the two parochial dignita- 
ries, the reckoning came to be paid, and James pulled out 
money to contribute his share. The schoolmaster, on this, 
proposed to the clergyman that they should pay the whole, as 
the other had only recently acceded to the company, and w r as, 
moreover, entitled to their hospitality as a stranger. " Na, 
na," quoth the minister, "I see nae reason in that. This 
birkie maun just pay higglety-pigglety wi' oursels. That's 
aye the law in Markinch. Higgle ty-pigglety 's the word." 
The schoolmaster attempted to repel this selfish and unjust 
reasoning; but the minister remained perfectly obdurate. 
King James at last exclaimed, in a pet, "Weel, weel, hig- 
glety-pigglety be't!" and he immediately made such ar- 
rangements as insured an equality of stipend to his two 
drinking companions ; thus at once testifying his disgust at 
the meanness of the superior, and his admiration of the gen- 
erosity of the inferior functionary. To this day the salaries 
of the minister and schoolmaster of Markinch are nearly 
equal, — a thing as singular as it may be surprising. Our 
authors for this story, as Pitscottie would say, are fifteen 
different clergymen, resident at different corners of the king- 
dom, all of whom told it in the same way, adding, as an 



156 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

attestation of their verity, that they heard it discussed in all 
its bearings, times innumerable, at the breakfasts given by 
the professors of divinity ; on which occasions, it seems, pro- 
bationers are duly informed of the various stipends, glebes, 
&c, of the parishes of Scotland, as they are instructed, at 
another period of the day, in the more solemn mysteries of 
their profession. 



A certain Dutch Justice of the Peace, in the State of New 
York, having issued a summons made returnable on the Sab- 
bath-day, the constable into whose hands it was put to be 
served, being a fellow of humor, returned the summons 
agreeably to date. The justice, expecting it to be of some 
other nature, perused it, and finding what it was, said, in a 
great passion, " Vat de tivel you brings dis to-day vor? JJ 
" Why," replied the constable, " see whether or no it is not 
returnable this day; and, should I neglect my duty, you 
would no doubt, with great propriety, report to the grand- 
jury, and in all probability have me severely fined." ^Upon 
this the justice, with a loud voice, proclaimed, "I adjourns 
this courts till next Wednesday; JJ and calls to his son, say- 
ing, " Hauns, look off de almanac, and sees as dat vill be on 
the Sunbath's-day." 



Over-earnest asseverations give men suspicion that the 
speaker is conscious of his own falsities. 

It is a complaint against some young ministers that, while 
their bodies are in the pulpits, their hearts are in the pews. 

Chill penury weighs down the heart itself; and though it 
is sometimes endured with calmness, it is but the calmness of 
despair. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 157 

ANECDOTE OF THE GOOD HUMOR OF KING GEORGE I. 

On one of his journeys to Hanover his coach broke. At 
a distance in view was a chateau of a considerable German 
nobleman. The king sent to borrow assistance. The pos- 
sessor came, conveyed the king to his house, and begged the 
honor of his majesty's accepting a dinner while his carriage 
was repairing ; and, while the dinner was preparing, begged 
leave to amuse his majesty with a collection of pictures which 
he had formed in several tours to Italy. But what did the 
king see, in one of the rooms, but an unknown portrait of a 
person in robes, and with the regalia of the sovereigns of 
Great Britain ! George asked whom it represented. The 
nobleman replied, with much diffident but decent respect, that 
in various journeys to Rome he had been acquainted with 
Chevalier de St. George, who had done him the honor of send- 
ing him that picture. '-Upon my word," said the king, 
instantly, " it is very like to the family." It was impossible 
to remove the embarrassment of the proprietor with more 
good breeding. 

A poor man, who had a termagant wife, after a long dis- 
pute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told 
her if she spoke one crooked word more, he would beat her 
brains out. "Why, then, ranrs-horns, you rogue," said 
she, "if I die for it! " 



\ 



A young coxcomb, with a very fine hat, told a poor fellow 
with a shabby one, " he scorned to keep company with such 
wooZ-headed fellows." ' : Sir," answered the other, ' : you 
disparage your own judgment; for, whatever you think, my 
hat is as good a beaver as ever was felt."' 
14 



158 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

JOCKEYSHIP. 

Louis XL, when he was a youth, used to visit a peasant 
whose garden produced excellent fruit. Soon after he as- 
cended the throne, this peasant waited on him, and brought 
his little present, — a turnip, from his garden, of an extraordi- 
nary size. The king smiled, remembered his past pleasures, 
and ordered a thousand crowns to the peasant. 

The lord of his village, hearing of this liberality, argued 
with himself thus : "If this peasant have a thousand crowns 
for a turnip, I have only to present a fine horse to this mu- 
nificent monarch, and my fortune is made." As others 
might entertain the same idea, he loses no time, but mounts 
one horse, and leads in his hand a beautiful barb, the pride 
of his stable. He arrives at court, and requests the king's 
acceptance of his little present. Louis highly praised the 
steed; and the donor's expectations were raised to the utmost, 
when the king exclaimed, "Bring me my turnip;" and 
added, in presenting it to the seigneur, " Hold! this cost me 
a thousand crowns, and I give it you for your horse." 



THE NEW CUT. 



An old Scotch clergyman, who had an old tailor for his 
mart) was one day riding home from a neighboring parish, 
where he had been assisting in the celebration of the sacra- 
ment. "John," cried he, "how comes it, do you think, 
that my young brother there should have such great assem- 
blages of people hearing him, when I, for instance, although 
preaching the same sermons I ever preached, am losing my 
hearers daily?" "Lord bless ye, sir," answered his sage 
valet, " it's just wi' you as it 's wi' mysell. I sew just as 
weel as ever I did ; yet that puir elf has ta'en 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 159 

my business maist clean awa. It 's no the sewing that 7 11 do, 
sir : it 's the new cut : it 's just the new cut." 



ALLAN RAMSAY. 

Ramsay's patroness, Susanna. Countess of Eglintoun. to 
loid he dedicates his immortal " Gentle Shepherd, 77 once 
sent him a present of a basket of fine fruit. No poet of the 
last century could let such a circumstance pass unsung. Ac- 
cordingly, honest Allan composed the following compliment- 
ary epigram, which he returned in his note of acknowledg- 
ment to the countess : 

" Now, Priam's son, ye may be mute, 

Poi I can bauldly brag with thee : 

Thou to the fairest gave the fruit — 

The fairest gave the fruit to me." 

Not content with sending this to the person for w T hom it 
9 most particularly intended, he enclosed a copy to his 
friend Budgell. who soon sent him back the following com- 
ment upon it : 

1 ; As Juno fair, as Yenus kind, 

She may have been who gave the fruit ; 
But had she had Minerva's mind, 

She 'd ne'er have given 't to such a brute." 



An Irish clergyman, having gone to visit the portraits of 
the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the 
monarchs of a very youthful appearance, whilst his son was 
depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme 
- Sanaa Maria ! " exclaimed the good Hibernian, 
•'• is it possible that this gentleman >!d man when his 

FATHER IPOS hom. 



160 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

COMPARISON. 

Remarking on an actress of Drury-lane Theatre, remark- 
able for her coquetry, " That lady," said Mr. Garrick, " is 
like those sparkling wines, which every one tastes, but none 
buys." 

SALVATION. 

Marshal Bassompierre was a favorite of Henry IV., and 
wielded the sword and pen equally well. His memoirs are 
(as most of the French memoirs) very entertaining. He was 
confined in the Bastile under Louis XIII. Being found one 
day reading the Bible, he said to the keeper, " Don't be 
alarmed at my employment ; I am searching for a passage to 
save myself." 

BREVITY. 

An officer demanding, with much importunity, an audience 
of Frederick the Great, it was granted, on condition that he 
should say only two words. He accordingly presented him- 
self with a petition in his hand, in which he requested a pen- 
sion. "Sire" said he, "sign" 



LORD NAIRN. 



Lord Nairn took refuge, after the Forty-five, in some 
small French town, where there w T as no other Scotsman but 
himself. Having been all his life accustomed to the deep 
drinking of his native country, and now requiring more than 
ever perhaps to amuse himself by that means, he took very 
ill with the sobriety of the French, none of whom he could 
ever prevail upon to sit a single moment after dinner. At 



OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 161 

last, it fortunately happened that a few more of his unhappy 
countrymen came to reside at the same place, and supplied 
him with company to his mind. The first day they dined 
together his lordship felt quite in ecstasy ; and, on handing 
the bottle down the table to his friends, said, 'I canna 
express to ye, gentlemen, the satisfaction I feel in ance mair 
getting some men o' sense about me. after being plagued for 
a twelvemonth wi' a set o' fools, nae better than brute beasts, 
than winna drink mair than what serves them." 



PRODIGALITY. 



Two young gentlemen, who were emulous of extravagant 
expense, and one day, on some expensive freak, in Madame 
Sevigne's presence, that lady said, ''It seems to me as if I 
saw them saluting each other at the door of an alms-house, 
and each inviting the other to go in first." 



When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by Rich- 
ard in the play of Richard, Shaw, the leader of the band, 
called out from the orchestra, "Mr. Kemble, my dear Mr. 
Kemble, you are murdering time." Kemble, calmly and 
coolly taking a pinch of snurT, said, i: My dear sir, it is better 
for me to murder time at once, than to be constantly beating 
him. as you go." 



ECONOMY is the parent of integrity, of liberty, and of 
ease; and the sister of temperance, of cheerfulness, and 
health ; — and profuseness is a cruel and crafty demon, that 
gradually involves her followers in dependence and debts, — 
that is, fetters them with "irons that enter into their souls. ' : 
14 - 



162 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ANECDOTE OF WILLIAM RUFUS. 

A memorable instance of William Rufus' expedition and 
valor is recorded. In 1099, as he was hunting in the New 
Forest, Hampshire, a messenger from the continent brought 
intelligence that the city of Mons was besieged. Yvilliam 
ordered the man to return with speed, and tell the garrison 
to hold out. for that he would be with them in eight days. 
Then, turning his horse, he rode directly to the sea-coast, and 
desired all his attendants to follow him. At Dartmouth he 
found an old vessel, on board of which he instantly embarked, 
notwithstanding the remonstrances of the master, w^ho told 
him he could not put to sea without the utmost peril. The 
wind, however, changing favorably, they arrived safe at 
Barfleur the next morning, and proceeded to Mons. where his 
unexpected appearance had such an effect that the siege was 
instantly raised. 

Tyrrel, who is said to have pierced the king accidentally 
with an arrow, retired to France in consequence of that un- 
lucky circumstance ; where he declared, upon oath, that he 
was not nigh the king in the chase all that fatal day. And, 
if the tyrannical conduct of Rufus be duly considered, it 
seems more than probable that, having strayed from his at- 
tendants, he was found alone by some secret enemy, who 
took good aim, and deliberately assassinated him. The joy 
which all ranks of people discovered at his death warrants 
this conjecture. 

M. Desmaret was the comptroller-general of the finances 
under Louis XV. From him descended the family of Malle- 
bois. He left three sons, who were men of small stature, 
and who, on that account, w T ere named at court ''The Ter- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 163 

FATE. 

Zeno was a native of Cyprus. He taught in the Portico 
of Stoa, in Athens ; hence Stoic, the appellation of his 
followers, amongst whom arc to be ranked the greatest char- 
acters of antiquity ; as Cato, Seneca, Epictetus, and Marcus 
Antonius. A servant of Zeno, being told that the plea oifale 
w r ould exculpate him from any fault he should commit, 
exclaimed to his master, as he was undergoing punishment 
for theft, " It is my fate to be a thief." "Yes," replied 
Zeno, " and it is your fate to loe punished for it." 



The aptitude and quaintness of remark frequently made by 
the sons of Neptune are almost proverbial. Sleeping, one 
night, w T ith that worthy and meritorious officer, Captain Colby 
(then a midshipman, but now Admiral Thornborough's cap- 
tain, on board the Royal Sovereign), it occurred to me that 
I had drawn too large a portion of the bed-covering from 
him ; and, as the weather w r as severe, I kindly inquired if he 
was in want of any clothes? He replied, laconically, "I 
want a coat most amazingly." 



Some years ago, the junior Sheridan, who inherited a large 
portion of the wit and genius of his father, was dining with 
a party of his father's constituents at the Swan, in Stafford. 
Among the company were, of course, a great many shoe- 
makers (I beg their pardon, I mean shoe manufacturers). 
One of the most eminent of them w T as in the chair, and, in 
the course of the afternoon, he called upon young Sheridan 
for a sentiment. This call not being immediately attended 



164 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

tc, the president, in rather an angry tone, repeated it. 
Sheridan, who was entertaining his neighbor with a story, 
appeared displeased at this second interruption, and, desiring 
a bumper might be filled, he gave, " May the manufacture 
of Stafford be trampled upon by all the world." It is 
needless to say that this sentiment, given with apparent 
warmth, restored him to the good graces of the president. 



LIVING WITHOUT BRAINS. 

As the late Professor H was walking near Edin- 
burgh, he met one of those beings usually called fools. 
"Pray," says the professor, accosting him, " how long can 
a person live without brains? " "I dinna ken," replied the 
fellow, scratching his head; "how long have you lived 
yoursell, sir? " 



Capital offences are not often committed in Sweden; many 
of the towns in which there are provincial courts of justice 
are, therefore, without an executioner. In one of these a 
criminal was sentenced to be hanged, which occasioned great 
embarrassment. It was found necessary to engage a hang- 
man who lived at a considerable distance, who would require 
the expenses of his long journey to be paid, as well as the 
customary reward of two crowns. A young tradesman just 
admitted into the city council (according to the practice upon 
these occasions) delivered his sentiments first upon this busi- 
ness, and hoped his brethren would approve of his proposal. 
" Gentlemen," said he, "I think we had better give the male- 
factor the two crowns, and let him go and get hanged where 
he pleases." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 165 

NATIONALITY. 

The Abbe Raynal came, with some Frenchmen of rank, 
to see Mr. Walpole, at Strawberry-hill. They were standing 
at a window, looking at the prospect to the Thames, which 
they found flat, and one of them said in French, not thinking 
that Mr. TV. and a Mr. Churchill overheard them. " Every- 
thing in England serves to recommend France to us the 
more." Mr. Churchill, somewhat piqued, instantly stepped 
up, and said, " Gentlemen, when the Cherokees were in this 
country, they could eat nothing but train-oil." 



A merchant who had failed in business held the following 
consultation with his clock: "You," said he, "are a me- 
chanical affair, while I have the principal action in myself." 
"Very true," replied the clock; "but, when you wind up 
your affairs, you stop business ; when my affairs are wound 
up, 'I go the longer for it." 



DANCING TO SOME TUNE. 

The celebrated dancer, Barberini, was, for some time, 
engaged at the king's theatre, at Berlin. He was a little in 
love with her, because she had legs like a man ; but the thing 
most of all incomprehensible was, he gave her a salary of 
upwards of thirteen hundred pounds. His Italian poet, who 
put the operas into verse, had little more than a thirtieth 
part of the sum ; but it ought to be remembered he was very 
ugly, and could not dance. In a word, Barberini touched, 
for her share, more than all of his ministers of state put 
together. 



166 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

RETROSPECT. 

The Abbe de Choisi, having incurred some heavy debts, 
was under the necessity of selling his fine estate in Xor- 
mandy. Passing, some time afterwards, the seat of his former 
wealth, and being extremely hungry, he exclaimed, as he 
looked at it, u 0, how I should like to dine with you 
to-day ! " 



A Scotchman and an Irishman were sleeping at an inn 
together. 'The weather being rather warm, the Scotchman 
put his leg out of bed. A person, seeing him in this situa- 
tion, gently fixed a spur on Sawney's heel, who, drawing his 
leg into bed, so disturbed his companion, that he exclaimed, 
" Arrah, my dear honey, have a care ! for, by my shoul, you 
have fractured the skull-boon of my shin, with those nails of 
yours, I belave." The Scotchman being sound asleep, but 
restless in his dreams, .still scratching poor Teague, til>, his 
patience being quite spent, he succeeded in rousing Sawney ; 
who, not a little surprised at finding a spur on his heel, 
loudly exclaimed, " The ostler has ta'en off my boots last 
night, and left on the spur." 



A veteran toper complained to Dr. W., of Boston, that, 
from long use of spirituous liquors, they palled upon his 
palate, and failed to exhilarate his spirits. The doctor, in a 
sportive mood, inquired if he had ever used aqua fortis. and 
recommended it to his patient, diluted with water. The toper 
immediately procured a considerable quantity, which he at 
first mixed with water, but afterwards took in its crude 
state : however, in a few months the aqua fortis afforded him 






ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 167 

as little pleasure as common New England white-face. Soon 
after, the unfortunate tippler, meeting the doctor, addressed 
him thus : : - Doctor, the aqua fortis won't do ; can't you give 
me something stronger ? Do, dear doctor, for the love of 
grog, let me have a little aqua fifties.'' 1 



THE DUKE OF MARLBOROUGH AXD A POOR SOLDIER. 

Soox after victory had declared itself in favor of the 
British arms at the memorable battle of Blenheim, the Duke 
of Marlborough, in traversing the ranks, observed a soldier 
leaning, in a pensive manner, on the butt-end of his musket. 
His Grace immediately accosted him thus, " Why so pensive, 
my friend, after so glorious a victory? 7 ' "It may be glo- 
rious." replied the son of Mars: "but I have only earned 
four-pence, by contributing to all this acquisition of fame ! " 
The subsequent conduct of the duke, on this occasion, is not 
known. 



BOX-MOTS OF THE HONORABLE HEXRY ERSKIXE. 

This celebrated wit, of whom it might be said, more truly, 
perhaps, than of any other man that ever breathed, that 

" lie could not ope 



His month, bnt ont there flew a trope," 

was one day at a large dinner-party, where Miss Henrietta 

was also present. This lady had been the most 

admired beauty of her day, in Edinburgh ; but, at the time 
in question, was a little past the meridian of life. It must 
also be premised of her, that her name was usually abbre- 
viated into Hennie. ' ; Mr. Erskine,"' said the lady, as the 
wine was beginning to circulate, "they say that ye 're a 



168 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

great man for making puns : could ye mak a pun, d' ye think, 
on me?" " Od ; Hennie," the wit instantly replied, " you 
might be making puns yourself, now; I'm sure, Hennie 
though ye be, ye 're nae chicken." 

Being one day in London, in company with the Duchess 
of Gordon, he asked her, " Are we never again to enjoy the 
honor and pleasure of your Grace's society at Edinburgh? " 
"0!" said she, " Edinburgh is a vile, dull place; I hate 
it ! " " Madam," replied the gallant barrister, " the sun 
might as well say, There 's a vile, dark morning ; I won't rise 
to-day." 

SUPERLATIVE VANITY. 

A visionary who flourished in the last century was at the 
expense of having a plate engraved, in which he was repre- 
sented kneeling before a crucifix, with a label from his mouth, 
' c Lord Jesus, do you love me? " From that of Jesus pro- 
ceeded another label, "Yes, most illustrious, most excellent, 
and most learned Sigerus, crowned poet of his Imperial 
Majesty, and most worthy rector of the University of Wit- 
temberg, — yes, I do love you." 



DRY IN CHURCH. 

The Bev. Doctors H and M were colleagues in 

the Old Church of Edinburgh. One Sunday, when it was 

Dr. M 's turn to preach, he had got himself very much 

wetted by a heavy rain, and was standing before the session- 
room fire, drying his clothes, when Dr. H came in, 

w r hom he requested would that day take his place, as he had 
escaped the shower. " 0, by no means," replied the doctor ; 
" gang up to the poopit, — ye '11 be dry eneuch there" 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 100 



lloXOR. 



M. de Fabin, being ordered, by the Duke of Vendome, 
on a very perilous service, in which personal animosity was 
supposed to dictate, some of his brother officers were sup- 
plying pretences for evading the service. " I can very easily 
save my life," answered M. de Fabin, "but who will save 
ray honor ?" 

A valetudinarian complained of a violent pain in one 
of his legs. His wife made use of embrocations and flannel to 
no purpose : the patient continued his groaning. A surgeon 
was called in, who, on examining the leg, declared it was 
sound. " Then it must be the other" replied he. 



HACKSTOUN OF EATHILLET. 

The son of this celebrated Covenanter was a Jacobite, and 
turned out in the Fifteen. A future representative married 
into the family of Hay of Xaughton, which was unfortu- 
nately tainted with a strain of madness. The offspring of 
this marriage was a son, named Helenus, who, along with 
the talent inherent in his fathers family, had, moreover, a 
great portion of the insanity of his other parent. Old Hack- 
stoun used to say to this youth, on observing any symptom 
of extravagance, " Helenus, Helenus, ma man, I doot ye've 
owre muckle mither wit." 

This Helenus married a lady who had previously had two 
husbands ; and he was never after free from quarrels and 
law-suits with his wife's various families and connections. In 
the course of one of these suits, he published an account of 
his family, with an appendix, containing letters that passed 
15 



170 • ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

between himself and his opponents' party. — the names all in 
blanks, and, therefore, the whole quite unintelligible, except 
to himself. He used to come to Edinburgh, and ride through 
the streets in a carriage, the panels of which were all covered 
over with devices, in the shape of coats-armorial, allusive to 
the circumstances of his law-suits. These were of his own 
invention ; and, if we are not mistaken, he also painted them 
himself. One may serve as a specimen of the whole. He 
had a gentleman, of the name of Baillie, one of his wife's 
sons, represented sitting in the corner of a room, upon a 
large egg, titled with the word "Plot." This was one of 
his enemies, he said, hatching a plot against him. In such 
drivel ended the line of the stern murderer of Archbishop 
Sharpe. 

Old Hackstoun one day said to Mr. Smibert, the minister 
of Cupar, who was also blessed with a foolish, or rather wild 
youth, for a son, " D' ye ken, sir, you and I are wiser than 
Solomon?" "How can that be, Rathillet?" inquired the 
startled clergyman. " Oo, ye see," said Hackstoun, " Solo- 
mon didna ken whether his son was to be a fool or a wise 
man ; but baith you and I are quite sure that our sons are 
fools." 



Some gentlemen being in a tavern, as they were in the 
height of their jollity, in came a friend of theirs, whose name 
was Sampson. "Ah," said one, "we may now be securely 
merry, fearing neither sergeant nor bailiff; for, though a 
thousand such Philistines should come, here is Sampson, who 
is able to brain them all." "Sir," replied Sampson, "I 
may boldly venture on so many as you speak of, provided 
you lend me one of your jaw-bones." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 171 

The following epigram was occasioned by Miss H.'s elope- 
ment from Oxford with her footman, at the time a gentleman 
called by the wits of the University Dr. Toe, from his 
peculiarity of walking, was paying his addresses to her. 

" 'Twixt footman John and Dr. Toe 
A rivalship befell, 
"Which should be the happy beau, 
And bear away the belle. 

" The footman gained the lady's heart, 
And who can blame her ? — No man ! 
The whole prevailed against its part, — 
'Twas Foot-man versus Toe-man.' ■ 



An Irish gentleman, in company, a few nights since, 
observing that the lights were so dim as only to render the 
darkness visible, called out, lustily, " Here, waiter, let me 
have a couple of dacent candles, that I may see how those 
others burn." 



A Gascon officer, demanding his salary from the minister 
of war, maintained that he was in danger of dying of 
hunger. The minister, who saw that his visage w r as full and 
ruddy, told him his face gave the lie to his statement. i: Ah ! 
sir," said the Gascon, " don't trust to that ! This face is not 
mine ; it belongs to my landlord, who has given me credit 
for a long time." 



A countryman being requested to help a member of 
Congress out of a ditch, replied that he had no hand ifi 
State affairs. 



172 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



HEAD SERMONS. 



The antipathy entertained by the Scotch of the lower 
orders against read sermons is the subject of various good 
jokes ; but of none, perhaps, better than the following. A 
country clergyman, on the north side of the Forth, who had a 
most zealous respect for true religion and sound toryism, was 
guilty of this fault to a great degree, — was, indeed, as his 
parishioners said, a perfect slave to the paper. At the 
acquittal of the pure and lovely Queen Caroline, in 1821, the 
inhabitants of the village where this clergyman's manse stood 
resolved on having an illumination, as well as their neighbors, 
and the bellman was sent round to announce the event. In 
the course of his peregrinations, John stopped opposite the 
manse, and read his proclamation. The news of a radical 
illumination in the parish alarmed the minister extremely ; he 
ran out, crying, " Stop, John; wha bade ye cry that? Ye 
souldna cry that, John.' 7 "'Deed, sir," answered John, 
" I '11 just cry what I'm paid for, and ne'er speer wha gies 
me the paper." The minister, seeing that no good was to be 
done in this way, made up to John, and, snatching the paper 
from him, ran off. "Hoot, man," cried the sardonic Scot; 
"yeneednarin sae fast; though ye canna tell your story 
wanting your paper, d'ye think I canna do wanting mine? " 



THE TWO STORY-TELLERS. 

The clergymen of two adjoining parishes in Forfarshire, 
about the end of the last century, were both alike remarkable 
for an infinite fund of anecdote, as well as for a prodigious 
willingness, or rather eagerness, to disclose it. When one 
of them happened to be present in any company, he generally 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 173 

monopolized, or rather prevented, all conversation ; when 
both were present, there was a constant and keenly-contested 
struggle for the first place. It fell out, on a certain morning, 
that they breakfasted together, without any other company ; 
when the host, having a kind of right of precedence, in virtue 
of his place, commenced an excellent but very long-winded 
story, which his guest was compelled to listen to, though dis- 
posed, at the end of every sentence, to strike in with his 
parallel and far more interesting tale. 



THE CONTEST OF ART — ZEUXIS AND PARRHASIUS. 

Many curious anecdotes are related of the former of these 
celebrated painters. His dispute with Parrhasius is thu3 
related by Pliny : Zeuxis had painted some grapes so natu- 
rally that the birds used to come and peck at them ; and 
Parrhasius had represented a curtain so artfully, that Zeuxis, 
mistaking it for a real curtain, which hid his rival's work, 
ordered it to be drawn aside, that he might see the painting 
behind it. Discovering his mistake, he confessed himself 
outdone, since he had only imposed upon birds, but Parr- 
hasius had deceived even those who were judges of the art. 
Another time he painted a boy loaded with grapes, when the 
birds flew r again to his picture. At this he was exceedingly 
vexed, and frankly acknowledged that it was not perfectly 
finished, since, had he represented the boy as naturally as the 
grapes, the birds would have been afraid of him. One of 
Zeuxis' finest pieces was a Hercules strangling some dragons 
in his cradle, in the presence of the affrighted mother. Some 
are of opinion, however, that Helena was the picture by which 
he gained the greatest reputation. He died immensely rich. 
15* 



174 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Valerius Flaccus says that his death was occasioned by an 
immoderate fit of laughter, on looking at the picture of an old 
woman he had drawn. 



A gentleman who was always very generous to his rich 
relations, and took no notice of his poor ones, was once riding 
through a river, in the midst of which his horse stood still 
and staled; whereupon his servant wittily said to him, " Sir, 
your horse now resembles yourself, for he bestows his moist 
bounty to the overflowing streams, when the ground is almost 
barren for want of water.' 7 



When Queen Elizabeth, in one of her progresses, soon 
after the defeat of the Spanish Armada, visited Shrewsbury, 
the mayor, on congratulating her on the memorable event, 
said, " When the King of Spain attacked your majesty, egad! 
he took the wrong sow by the earl " The queen could not 
help smiling at this ; and her admiration was further height- 
ened when, at her departure, he begged permission " to attend 
her majesty to the gallows T n which stood a mile out of 
town. 



REDEMPTION. 



The Count de Melas, a Spanish officer, debarred himself 
and his soldiers, not only of every comfort, but even of neces- 
saries ; and the effect of his extreme severity was the ruin 
of the health of many. He died at Milan, where some of his 
officers put upon his tomb these words of the creed: " Qui 
propter nos et propter nostrum salutem, descendit ad 
infernos" — "Who for us," &c. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 175 

ANECDOTES OF DOCTOR FRANKLIN. 

Doctor Franklin once examining a boy, at the request 
of his father, relative to the progress he had made in his 
learning, found him offering excuses for almost everything 
which he should have done. This he listened to for some 
time with great patience, and very much to the boy's satis- 
faction, who thought he had deceived him. At last he said, 
in his usual grave mannner, * : I grant you, young gentleman, 
you have been very ingenious in your apologies for not 
doing your duty, and as such I must report you to your 
father; but this" I must likewise tell him, as well as you, — 
that the boy who is good at excuses is generally good for 
nothing else."' 

When people who had got together a little money in trade 
used to be capriciously wishing to live in the country (with- 
out having a single quality or habit to fit them for agricul- 
ture, its pursuit or enjoyments), he would dryly ask, " What 
do you think of the country for 3 " " 0, because I am tired 
of the town.*' '-And for this reason,' 7 replied he, — '-'you 
want to re-tire in the country." 

When he heard people say "they were tired of a thing, ;J 
merely through the want of proper perseverance, he used to 
reply, "Well, do as married people do, — tire and begin 
again:'* 

Franklin's father was a Puritan of the old stamp, and, with 
other peculiarities of this sect, was accustomed to precede all 
his meals with long prayers, and sometimes to say grace over 
every particular dish. This not agreeing with the impatience 
of young Franklin's appetite, who was then about eleven 
years old, he determined to give his father a broad hint. 
Accordingly, when, at the beginning of winter, he was, as 



176 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

usual, busy in salting provisions for the season, he asked his 
father " whether it would not be better to crave a blessing, 
once for all, on the whole cask of provisions, then, as it would 
be a wonderful saving of time in future." 

His peculiar talent was that of illustrating subjects by 
apposite anecdotes. When he was agent in England for the 
province of Pennsylvania, he was frequently applied to by the 
ministry for his opinion respecting the operation of the Stamp 
Act; but his answer was uniformly the same, "that the 
people of America would never submit to iV\ 



In an advertisement of a house in the country, it is men- 
tioned, as one of the great advantages of its situation, that, in 
all probability, a new road will be cut through it." 



A clergyman, preaching some time ago in the neighbor- 
hood of Wapping, England, observing that most of his audi- 
ence were in the seafaring way, very properly embellished his 
discourse with several nautical tropes and figures. Among 
other things, he advised them to be "ever on the watch, so 
that on whatever tack the devil should down upon them, he 
might be crippled in the action." "Ay, master," cried a 
jolly son of Neptune; "but, let me tell you that will depend 
upon having the weather- gauge of him." 



A lady told her husband she read the Art of Love on 
purpose to be agreeable to him. " I would rather have love 
without art," replied he. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 177 

PROFESSIONAL SENSIBILITY. 

An Italian painter has been seen to bedew with tears his 
palette and pencils, because lie was employed to cover with a 
drapery the greatest part of one of Raphael's paintings, in 
which an infant Jesus appeared too naked. 



RED HAIR. 



Bentley's Miscellany, in a recent number, has an amus- 
ing article on "Red Hair," which, for some reason or other, 
has always been disliked in various parts of the world ; though 
one of its shades, the auburn color, running into brown, has 
always been as much admired as the bright red has been con- 
temned. Red hair has been considered as betokening a cruel 
and fiend-like disposition, and as appropriate to executioners. 
Scott, in the "Talisman," gives Richard's headsman a "huge 
red beard mingling with shaggy locks of the same color," and, 
on the other hand, the Queen Berengaria is introduced with 
"golden tresses." 

Red hair is also regarded as a mark of craftiness and 
treachery. In Spain it is called the hair of Judas, and he is 
distinguished by it in the Spanish paintings. Shakspeare 
makes Rosalind say of her lover, " His hair is of the dissem- 
bling color;" to which Celia replies. "Something browner 
than Judas." 

Among the ancient nations, the Egyptians are most re- 
markable for their aversion to red hair, and were accustomed 
annually to offer a burnt sacrifice, in honor of their devil, 
Typho, of a red-haired man ; but it is humanely suggested, 
by way of mitigation, that they had long waged war with a 
nation whose hair was of a reddish hue, and the victim was 
only a prisoner of war ! 



178 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

The Chinese picture their devil as white, with red hair, 
and denominate the English " red-haired devils, or barbari- 
ans." A French traveller, more liberal than the Chinese, 
says, " I spik always de trut, and I vill say dat I have seen 
English vich had not red hair." 

In the Highland clans, in Scotland, red hair is regarded as 
a deformity. A nobleman, visiting a Highlander, inquired 
for one of his sons, who was kept out of the way upon an 
excuse which led to the supposition that he was infirm or daft. 
But, on the father's producing a fine, handsome young man, 
the nobleman exclaimed, "I see nothing the matter with 
him ! " to which the father sorrowfully replied, " Nothing the 
matter with him? Look at his hair ! " It was red. 

The ancient Romans and the modern Italians have been 
great admirers of women of golden-colored hair. 

In our country red locks are not considered as contribut- 
ing to beauty, in either sex ; but the red-haired people are 
usually more than commonly endowed in their mental consti- 
tution, and can afford to offset brains against hair. Some of 
the greatest men have been crowned with red hair ; amongst 
them that vigorous old pirate, William the Conqueror, of 
England, the blood of whose followers still flows in the veins 
of New England men. 



CAKRYING BUNDLES. 



Many people have a contemptible fear of being seen to 
carry any bundle, however small, having the absurd idea that 
there is a social degradation in the act. The most trifling as 
well as weighty packages must be sent to them, no matter 
how much to the inconvenience of others. This arises from a 
low kind of pride. There is a pride that is higher, that arises 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 179 

from a consciousness of there being something in the indi- 
vidual not to be affected by such accidents — worth and weight 
of character. This latter pride was exhibited by the Ameri- 
can son of Jerome Napoleon Bonaparte. While he was in 
college, at Cambridge, he was one day carrying to his room a 
broom he had just purchased, when he met a friend, who, 
noticing the broom with surprise, exclaimed, " Why did you 
not have it sent home V : :i I am not ashamed to carry home 
anything which belongs to me," was the sensible reply of 
young Bonaparte. Very different pride was this from that 
of a young lady whom we know, who always gave her mother 
all the bundles to carry when they went out together, because 
she thought it vulgar to be seen with one herself. 



A MATCH FOR SHERIDAN. 

Sheridan sometimes met with his match, and that in 
quarters where it might have been least expected. He was 
one day endeavoring to cut a suit of new clothes out of a tail- 
or's shop in the city. Flattery was the weapon he employed. 
t: Upon my word," said he, '-you are an excellent finisher; 
you beat our snips in the West End hollow. Why don't you 
push your thimble amongst us 7 I'll recommend you every- 
where. Upon my honor, your work does you infinite credit.*' 
" Yes/" replied the artist, " I always take care that my work 
gives long credit, but the wearers ready money. , ?? 



A chemist, discoursing of drugs, asserted that all bitter 
things were hot. "No," observed one present; " there is 
one of a very different quality, and that is a bitter cold 
dayr 



180 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

BENEFIT OF STAMMERING. 

A stammering Lord Deloraine, being in a cock-pit and 
offering several bets which he would have lost if he could 
have replied in time, at length offered ten pounds to a crown. 
A gambler, who stood by, said "Done; " but his lordship's 
fit of stammering happening to seize him at that moment, he 
could not repeat the word " Done" till the favorite cock was 
beat. " Confound your stuttering tongue ! " cried the leg ; 
" if you could speak like other folk, you would be ruined." 



ALL OR NONE. 



At the siege of Charleroi, the Duke of Marlborough or- 
dered an officer to take twelve volunteers out of his regiment 
for an exploit of peculiar hazard. The officer signified the 
order to his regiment; all remained silent and motionless; 
three times the question was received in silence. " How is 
this?" exclaimed the officer; "do you hear me?" "You 
are heard, sir," cried one in the ranks; "but why do you 
call for twelve volunteers ? We are all so ; you have only to 
choose." 

GENEROUS SENTIMENT. 

M. Flechier, speaking of Marshal Turenne, says, "He 
reckoned his own misfortunes as faults ; but, more indulgent 
to others, he reckoned their faults as misfortunes." 



At a late review of the militia, a young Englishman ob- 
served " they were not English troops." " No," replied his 
friend, " but they beat them" 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 181 

DR. JAMES. 

Dr. James is said to have been indebted for the discovery 
of the celebrated powder long known by his name to a Ger- 
man called Swanberg ; but such is generally the fate of orig- 
inal inventors, that the German died almost starving, while 
James, and many of his successors in the sale of this medi- 
cine, rode in their coaches. 

James being once asked his opinion of the difference be- 
tween a doctor and an apothecary, replied. c: It did not become 
him to decide on such a delicate point. However, he would 
tell the company an anecdote, which perhaps might elucidate 
the question. A monkey, belonging to a gentleman's house 
in the country, observed the butler one day go into the cel- 
lar, take the spigot out of the barrel, draw himself a jug of 
ale, and then return it into the barrel again. When the but- 
ler went away, Jacko, who wished to be an imitator without 
the capacity of his original, drew the spigot out of the bar- 
rel; but, not knowing how to stop it again, let the beer 
run all about the place, while he frisked up and down stairs, 
in the greatest fright and confusion imaginable. 7 ' 



RUSTIC NOTION OF THE RESURRECTION. 

It is the custom in Scotland for the elders to assist the 
minister, in visiting the sick ; and on such occasions they give 
the patient and the surrounding gossips the benefit of prayers. 
Being generally well acquainted in the different families, they 
often sit an hour or two after the sacred rites, to chat with 
those who are in health, and to receive the benefit of a dram. 
On one of these occasions, at the house of Donald M'Intyre, 
whose wife had been confined to her fire-side and arm-chair 
for many years, the elder and Donald grew unco gracious. 
16 



182 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Glass after glass was filled from the bottle, and the elder en- 
tered into a number of metaphysical discussions, which he 
had heard from the minister. Among other topics was the 
Kesurrection. The elder was strenuous in support of the 
rising of the same body ; but Donald could not comprehend 
how a body once dissolved in the dust could be reanimated. 
At last, catching what he thought a glimpse of the subject, 
he exclaimed, " Weel, weel, Sandy, ye 're richt sae far. You 
and me, that are strong healthy folk, may rise again ; but 
that peer thing there far she sits (that poor thing there where 
she sits), s/ie'll ne'er rise again." 



SIR GEORGE MACKENZIE. 

This great man left his estates to an heiress, who was mar- 
ried to the Earl of Bute. It is said that the earl married that 
young lady under very extraordinary circumstances, and after 
having practised a most laughable ruse upon her father. En- 
tertaining no hope of procuring Sir George's consent to the 
match, his lordship went to him in the capacity of a client 
wishing to consult a lawyer, related to him all the circum- 
stances of the case with the exception of the name of the 
young lady, and asked, in conclusion, how he should proceed ; 
and if, in the event of their being married without the father's 
consent, they might be disappointed in enjoying his estates 
after his death. Sir George, totally unconscious that himself 
and his daughter were the persons concerned, gave an advice 
which tended to the very event he was expected to be adverse 
to, — the clandestine marriage of his daughter to the Earl of 
Bute. 

Either the future or the past is written in every face, and 
makes us, if not melancholy, at least mild and gentle. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 183 

TWO POETS TO ONE COUPLET. 

A young student, walking with another round the Calton 
Hill, at Edinburgh, began to expatiate on the matchless beau- 
ties and infinite variety of the views which were to be ob- 
tained from that site: and he at length confessed that, 
inspired by the admirable prospect of the coast of Fife, on 
the opposite side of the Firth of Forth, he had commenced a 
poem in its praise ; — but he had, somehow, failed to get 
beyond the first line, — 

" Again we see upon the northern shore." 

'•Why, man, 5 ' answered his companion, U I think it would 
be no difficult matter to make that a couplet. Let me see, — 

c Kinghorn still standing where it stood before. ' " 



An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, 
marching a little way behind his companion, called out to 
him, "Hollo, Pat, I have cotch a Tartar!" " Bring him 
along, then ; bring him along, then ! " "Ay, but ho won't 
come." "Why, then, come away without him." "By 
jingo ! but he won't let me." 



A horse-stealer was brought to be examined before a 
justice, who, finding the felony apparent, "Well, sirrah," 
says he, " if thou art not hanged for this, I '11 be hanged for 
you ! " "I humbly thank your worship," replied the thief, 
' • and when the time comes I desire you not to be out of the 
way." 

In Massachusetts there is sledding, in Virginia there is 
Wheeling. 



184 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ANECDOTE OF SIBBALD, EDITOR OF CHRONICLES OF SCOT- 
TISH POETRY. 

Mr. James Sibbald, editor of the Chronicles of Scottish 
Poetry, was a man of eccentricity and humor. For three or 
four years he resided in London, without ever letting his 
Scotch friends know anything of his proceedings, or even 
where he lived. At last his brother, a Leith merchant, found 
means to get a letter conveyed to him, the object of which was 
to inquire into his circumstances, and to ask where he resided. 
Sibbald sent the following laconic reply : 

" Dear Brother : 

" I live in So-ho, and my business is so-so. 

64 Yours, 

" James Sibbald. 



AMBASSADOR. 



Philip II. sent a young nobleman to Rome to congratulate 
Sixtus V. on his exaltation. Sixtus was dissatisfied at so 
young an ambassador being sent, and, with his usual frank- 
ness, said, £i Does your master want men, that he sends to me 
a beardless ambassador?" " Had my sovereign thought," 
replied the haughty Spaniard, " that merit consisted in a 
beard, he would have sent you a goat" 



"NEVER ENDING, STILL BEGINNING." 

The mania of Catharine II., Empress of Russia, to sketch 
everything, and complete nothing, drew from Joseph II. a 
very shrewd and satirical remark. During his travels in 
Tauris, he was invited by her to place the second stone of a 
town, of which she had herself, with great parade, laid the 
first. On his return, he said, "I have finished, in a single 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 185 

day, a very important business with the Empress of Russia ; 
she has laid the first stone of a city, and I have laid the 
last." 



Dr. Stuckly once waited upon Sir Isaac Newton, a little 
before dinner-time ; but he had given orders not to be called 
down to anybody till his dinner was upon the table. At 
length a boiled chicken was brought in, and Stuckly waited 
till it was near quite cold, when, being very hungry, he ate it 
up, and ordered another to be dressed for Sir Isaac, who 
came down before the second was ready, and, seeing the dish 
and cover of the first, which had been removed, he lifted up 
the latter, and, turning to Dr. Stuckly, said, " What strange 
folks we studious people are ! I really forgot I had dined." 



A gentleman, having put out a candle by accident one 
night, ordered his waiting-man (who was a simple being) to 
light it again in the kitchen. " But take care, John," added 
he, " that you do not hit yourself against anything, in the 
dark." Mindful of the caution, John stretched out both his 
arms at full length before him ; but unluckily a door, which 
stood half open, passed between his hands, and struck him a 
woful blow upon the nose. " Dickens ! " muttered he, when 
he recovered his senses a little; "I always heard that I had 
a plaguy long nose, but I vow I never have thought before 
that it was longer than my arm." 



Anacharsis, the Scythian sage, being asked in what re- 
spect learned men differed from unlearned, answered, "As 
the living from the dead." 
16* 



186 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SCOT AND A SOT. 

Hovedan, a writer of the thirteenth century, informs us 
that Joannes Scotus, the early Scotch philosopher, being in 
company with Charles the Bold, King of Prance, that mon- 
arch asked him, good-humoredly, what was the difference 
between a Scot and a Sot. Scotus, who sat opposite the 
king, answered, " Only the breadth of the table. v 



PETER AND MARTIN. 

The sensible, ingenious and philanthropical Sterne, had 
brought up four dogs ; one he called Peter, the other Mar- 
tin. He had given to each a disciple, or proselyte, and had 
maintained between the parties a great animosity. Peter 
never saw Martin but he was ready to jump on and devour 
him ; and Martin had an equal hatred for him. When 
Sterne wished to divert himself, he called Peter and Martin. 
Each took his place, — the one on his right hand, the other 
on his left ; and each with his disciple beside him. Sterne 
then spoke to Peter, to invite him to agree with Martin. Pe- 
ter, by his continual barking, and the sparkling of his eyes, 
seemed to say that he w r ould listen to no accommodation. He 
afterwards turned to Martin, towards whom his wishes of 
union were equally unavailing. "Let us see/ 7 said Sterne, 
"if, by a conference, your spirits and sentiments may become 
more conformable." He brought them together. They at 
first conversed together, by barking gently. They seemed, by 
their growling, to answer each other, till at length they insens- 
ibly attacked each other in furious combat, and would prob- 
ably have torn each other to pieces, had they not been parted. 
The amiable Sterne, as an excuse for the apparent folly of 
amusing himself in this manner, contended, with probably a 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES 187 

great degree of truth, that the conduct of his dogs afforded 
him an apt type of the sanguinary animosities that have been 
produced, even in the most humane and generous nations, by 
religious controversy, or difference of opinion. 



EXTRAORDINARY IGNORANCE. 

Sir John Germain, ancestor of Lady Betty Germain, was 
a Dutch adventurer, who came over to England in the reign 
of King Charles II. He had an intrigue with a countess, 
who was divorced, and married him. This man was so igno- 
rant that, being told that Sir Matthew Decker wrote St. Mat- 
thew's gospel, he firmly believed it. " I doubted," says 
Lord Orford, "this tale very much, till I asked a lady of 
quality, his descendant, about it, who told me it was most 
true. She added that Sir John Germain w 7 as, in consequence, 
so much persuaded of Sir Matthew's piety, that by his will 
he left two hundred pounds to Sir Matthew, to be by him dis- 
tributed among the Dutch paupers in London." 



During Lord Holland's late illness, George Selwyn called 
and left his card. Selwyn had a fondness for seeing dead 
bodies ; and the dying lord, fully comprehending his feeling, 
is said to have remarked, "If Mi. Selwyn calls again, show 
him up. If I am alive, I shall be delighted to see him ; and 
if I am dead, he will like to see me." 



The greatest praise a preacher can receive is the silence 
of his auditors ; for, when they leave church in a pensive 
manner, their silence is very expressive. 



188 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

PRESBYTERIAN COMFORT. 

A witty democrat, deploring the fate of Mr. Livingston, 
neglected by the house and maltreated by Porcupine, in spite 
of his eloqueace and apt allusion to Shakspeare, applies to 
the New York orator a fragment from Dr. Watts : 

' ' See, Tvhat a Living-stone 
The builders did refuse ! " 



The favorite way of committing suicide in this country, 
just now, is by using camphene and burning-fluid lamps. If 
somebody would invent a lamp for gunpowder, which would 
do the work of death still more effectually, it would undoubt- 
edly become popular among the users of camphene. 



A man, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage 
that, though taken in great quantities, it always made him 
fat. "I have seen the time," said another, "when it made 
you lean" "When, I should like to know ? " said the eulo- 
gist. "Why, no longer since than last night — against the 
wall." 



There has been, it seems, great slaughter among clergy- 
men. The Burlington Sentinel heads the article about the 
explosion of the James Jackson as follows : " Terrible Steam- 
boat Accident ! Thirty-five parsons killed and wounded ! " 



One being choked with a honeycomb, his friends began to 
bemoan him. " Why do you make such lamentation? " said 
another, " for never did any man die a sweeter death." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 189 

GOLDEN TIDE. 

The Duke of Bourbon had dipped deep in the stream of 
Mr. Law's System, and magnificently embellished his chateau 
of Chantilly, at which he received Louis XV. on his return 
from Eheims. This gave occasion to a pleasant remark, that 
' : the river of Mississippi must necessarily have passed by 
Chantilly." 

The editor of the Gazette of the United States in the 
following caustic and witty manner notices the primary as- 
semblies of our towns : "In the index to the second volume 
of the laws of Xew York (Greenleaf s edition), occurs this 
odd reference, c Swixe, — see Town-meetings? JJ 



A YOUNG lady at Wirtemberg has been suffocated lately by 
the fragrant effluvia of various kinds of flowers kept in her 
bed-chamber. This, we suppose, is the death which Pope has 
so elegantly painted, in his poetical epistles to Bolingbroke : 

" Or, quick effluvia darting through the brain, 
Die of a rose in aromatic pain." 



A Mb. Auger, in a southern paper, advertises a large 
tract of land for sale. We should advise adventurers to be 
careful how they purchase, as, from the name of the proprie- 
tor, we think there is a probability of their being bored. 



Two comedians having laid a wager as to which of them 
sang the best, they agreed to refer it to Kelley, who under- 
took to be arbitrator on this occasion. A day was accordingly 



190 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

agreed upon, and both of the parties executed to the best of 
their abilities before him. As soon as they had finished, he 
proceeded to give judgment in the following manner : "As 
for you, sir," addressing himself to the first, " you are the 
worst singer I ever heard in all my life." " Ah," said the 
other, exultingly, " I knew I should win my wager." " Stop 
sir," said the arbitrator; " I have a word to say to you before 
you go, which is this, — that, as for you, you cannot sing at 
all!" 

In some parts of Maryland the corn grows so short that 
the farmers have to get down on their knees to pull it. Sev- 
eral years ago, Mr. Corwin, in company with a friend, was 
passing through the most sterile region of the western shore. 
Seeing a man on his knees in a field near the road, they ac- 
costed him, and inquired w T hat he was doing. He answered 
that he was pulling corn. " Ah, I see," said Mr. Corwin, in 
a tone of apology and commiseration, "you must be very 
poor, indeed." "Not so very poor as you might imagine," 
replied the farmer, rising to his feet, and surveying the short 
group around him ; "I don't own all this land." 



The notorious Burroughs, visiting a clergyman where he 
was not known, engaged to preach for him ; but previous to 
Sunday morning decamped with his brother's cash, and left 
the following words for the morrow's text: "Ye shall seek 
me, and shall not find me." 



The following curious advertisement appeared in a Con- 
cord, N. H., paper: "Whereas I, Daniel Clay, through mis- 
representation, was induced to post my wife Rhoda in the 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 191 

papers, now beg leave to inform the public that I have taken 
her to wifej after settling all our domestic broils in an amia- 
ble manner : so that everything, as usual, goes on like clock- 
work." 

"WHAT CAN ENNOBLE SLATES, OR SOTS, OR COWARDS?" 

Among the admirable axioms of Sir Thomas Overbury, 
there is one which places the knight's opinion of family hon- 
ors in a very conspicuous point of view. He says that the 
man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious an- 
cestors is like a potato,, the only good thing about him is 
under ground. 



Whex Foote was once walking with his friend Gahagan in 
Soho-square, they met a most miserable object, who earnestly 
solicited their charity. Gahagan refused ; and, on Foote giv- 
ing a few pence, said, " I believe you are imposed upon, for I 
am morally certain that fellow is an impostor." " He is 
either the most distressed man, or the best actor, I ever saw 
in my life," replied the comedian; "and, as either one or 
the other, he has a brotherly claim upon meP 



A soldier was sentenced, for deserting, to have his ear 
cut off. After undergoing the brutal ordeal, he was escorted 
out of the court-yard to the tune of " Rogue's March." He 
then turned, and, in^mock dignity, thus addressed the musi- 
cians : ^Gentlemen, I thank you; but I have no ear for 
music." 



Foote. being upon a visit at Lord Townshend's, at Rayn- 
ham. happened one morning to look into the pig-sty, and saw 



192 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

a silver spoon among the pigs' victuals. One of the house- 
maids coming by, and perceiving Mr. Foote, cried out, 
u Plague on the pigs, — what a noise they make ! " " Well 
they may," said Foote, "for they have but one silver spoon 
between them." 



PAINTING. 



" I will admit," said Hogarth, " all the world to be com- 
petent judges of my pictures, excepting those of my profes- 



NOBLES TO NINE-PENCE. 

The predominant passion of Albert, Elector of Cologne, 
was the love of show and magnificence. His extravagance 
and profusion were very great. His prodigality gave birth to 
a curious manufacture, — that of Bantschow. It consisted 
of utensils for eating and drinking, made of wood, and finely 
gilt. The elector made use of them as his service of plate, 
which he had been obliged to pledge. 



A BONNE BOUCHE. 

An elderly lady, on a visit at Margate, went into the mar- 
ket, having made up her mind to buy a goose. There were but 
two in the market, both in custody of a little cherry-cheeked 
lass from Birchington, who, to the surprise of her customer, 
positively refused to sell one without the other. Recollecting 
that a neighbor had also expressed a wish for one, the lady 
was, without much difficulty, prevailed on to take both. 
"When the bargain was concluded, however, she thought 
proper to inquire of the vendor why she had so peremptorily 
declined selling them separately. " If you please, my lady," 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 103 

■was the naive answer ; " Mother said as how the geese had 
lived together fifteen years ^ and it would be cruel to part 
them/' 

EQUITY. 

A gentleman resident at Harrow made frequent com- 
plaints to the masters of the great school there, of his garden 
being stripped of its fruit, even before it became ripe, — but 
to no purpose. Tired of applying to the masters for redress, 
he at length appealed to the boys, and, sending for one to his 
house, he said, " Xow. my good fellow, I'll make this agree- 
ment with you and your companions. Let the fruit remain 
on the trees till it becomes ripe, and I promise to give you 
half. ;? The boy coolly replied, " I can say nothing to the 
proposition, sir, myself, but will make it known to the rest of 
the boys, and inform you of their decision to-morrow." To- 
morrow came, and brought with it this reply : " The gentle- 
men of Harrow cannot agree to receive so unequal a share,, 
since Mr. is an individual, and we are many." 



STRONG LIKENESS. 



Johnson, being asked if Edmund Burke resembled Tul- 
lius Cicero, answered, " No, sir; he resembles Edmund 
Burke." The truth is that, being both men of extraor- 
dinary wisdom, they, upon practical subjects, argue as all 
men of true wisdom argue. They were both first-rate 
speakers, according to situation and country ; but their com- 
positions were no more alike than those of Hume and Tacitus, 
or Kobertson and Livy, because the two Britons resembled 
the two Romans in the general circumstances of being the 
first historians of their nation. 
17 



194 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

RESULT OF A QUARREL. 

A vicar and curate of a village, -where there was to be 
a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, 
the curate began the service, and was reading the words, "I 
am the resurrection,' 7 when the vicar arrived, almost out of 
breath, and, snatching the ^ book out of the curate's hands, 
with great scorn, cried, " You the resurrection! /am the 
resurrection ; " and then went on. 



A person having a horse very hardy, and with but very 
little stomach, thought, by degrees, he might make him live 
without hay or oats, so subtracted daily something from his 
meat, till at last the horse died. Going to carry him off to 
the crows, his neighbor asked, " How came it to die?" 
"Why, I thought," answered he, "to make him live on 
nothing ; and just as I brought him to it, he died. 



An Irish trader being on a visit in Flanders, his friend, 
after carrying him about the city to show him the curiosities, 
at length proposed to him to go to see Castor and Pollux, two 
celebrated statues. "Castor and Pollux," replied he, "I 
never heard of that house before. I suppose it has been 
lately established. Do they deal in linen 1 " 



An honest clergyman in the country was reproving a mar- 
ried couple for their frequent dissensions, seeing they were 
both one. " Both one ! " cried the husband; "were you to 
come by our door sometimes when we quarrel, you would 
swear we were twenty/' 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 195 

PLURALITIES. 
WHBN George I. landed at Greenwich, the inhabitants, after 
discussing the subject of what was the highest honor they 
could confer upon the newly-arrived sovereign, determined 
upon electing him church- warden, which was accordingly done. 
A dispute, however, afterwards took place in the vestry, as to 
whether he who was elected to serve the office of king could 
serve the office of church- warden at the same time. 



LORD BARRYMORE. 

One evening Lord Barrymore made a remark which 
transported Anthony Pasquin so much, that he vociferated for 
writing materials to note it down. The former called him to 
order, and asked what he wanted. " Ink — ink — ink, my 
lord!" he replied, striking his hand on the table. " Do 
you?" said his lordship; " wash your hands, and then you'll 
get a quart. 7 ' 

WITTY REJOINDER. 

Councillor Lamb, an old man when the present Lord 
Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was a man of 
timid manners and nervous disposition, and usually prefaced 
his pleadings with an apology to that effect. On one occasion, 
when opposed to Erskine, he remarked that he " felt himself 
growing more and more timid, as he grew older." " No 
wonder," replied the witty but relentless barrister; " every 
one knows the older a Lamb grows, the more sheepish he 
becomes." 

Among the advertisements in the London Times is one for 
a nurse in CJ a small gentleman's family." 



196 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

THE SQUIRE AND HIS MISTRESS. 
A COUNTRY squire being one day in company with his 
mistress, and wanting his valet, pompously cried out, " Where 
is the blockhead?' 7 "Upon your shoulders," replied the 
lady. 

PARDON OF INJURIES. 
A satiric poet had published some severe verses against 
the vizier of the Caliph Aziz, in which the caliph himself was 
not spared. The vizier complained of it, and demanded the 
punishment of the author. Aziz, having read the satire, said 
to him, " As I take part in the abuse, I desire that you will 
share with me the merit of pardoning him." 



PASQUINADES. 

Pasquinades are a sort of satire which took their name 
from a mutilated statue, called Pasquin, to which they were 
attached. It is commonly supposed to have its name from 
a buffoon tailor of the neighborhood, whose shop was a sort 
of receptacle for news and satiric effusions. There was 
another statue, called Marsorio, to which, when the satire 
assumed a colloquial form, the answers were affixed. 



A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, having 
fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy, who was in waiting, 
observed a mosquito hovering round his face. Quashi eyed 
the insect very attentively ; at last he saw him alight on his 
master's nose, and immediately fly off. "Ah, bless you 
heart ! " exclaimed the negro, " me glad to see you burn you 
foot." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 197 

HAPPINESS ! 

The answer of Jacob, Joseph's hoary father, to Pharaoh, 
ought to impress every one who can read. " What may your 
age be?" said the king to him. "An hundred and thirty 
years,"' answered the old man ; " and, in this short pilgrimage, 
I have not seen one happy day." 



THE AGE OF CHIVALRY NOT PAST. 
At least, in one of its primary objects, which were, 1st. The 
protection of the ladies ; 2d. The security of the public roads. 
Chivalry and knighthood began in the eleventh century, 
by an association of noblemen, who engaged, and even vowed 
solemnly, "to maintain the security of the public roads, and 
to protect the ladies." This association began in France, and 
soon spread through Europe. It seems to have continued 
longer in Spain than in any other country, from local and 
other causes. 

An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket (in his own 
words) had stopped payment, was forced to the sad necessity 
of perambulating the streets at Manchester two nights 
together, for want of a few pence to pay his lodging, when, 
accidentally hearing a person talk of the lying-in hospital, he 
exclaimed, "That's the place for me, honey, — where is it? 
for, by St. Patrick, I 've been lying out these two nights ! " 



All artificial movements, which come not from the very 
heart of the people, but are made by money, are mere revolts. 
Revolutions are not possible only where there is a great reason 
for them. — Kossuth. 
17* 



198 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

LUTHER, 
This Augustinian friar was born at Isleb, in Saxony, in 
1483. Want was his first inducement to embrace a monastic 
life ; superstition determined him in it. Shocked by a clap 
of thunder, which killed one of his friends by his side, he 
threw himself, at two-and-twenty years of age, into a convent 
of Augustinian friars. 



THE PREVIOUS QUESTION. 

During the administration of the regent, Duke of Orleans, 
the favorites, mistresses, &c, made a trade of reducing the 
taxes. A certain contractor, who was taxed at fifty thousand 
pounds sterling, replied to a nobleman who offered to get him 
acquitted for twelve thousand five hundred pounds, " Faith, 
my lord, you come too late ; I have already agreed with your 
lady for six thousand two hundred and fifty." 



DIVERTING VAGABOND. 
Mossop, the player, always spoke in heroics. A cobbler 
in Dublin, who once brought home his boots, refused to leave 
them without the money. Mossop came in whilst he was 
disputing, and, looking sternly, exclaimed. " Tell me, are you 
the noted cobbler I have often heard of? " " Yes," says the 
fellow, "and I think you the diverting vagabond I have often 



A WORD TO SNUFF-TAKERS. 
A lady asked her physician whether snuff was injurious to 
the brain. " No," said he, " for nobody who has any 
brains ever takes snuff." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 199 

SOLITUDE. 

The celebrated Dr. Young was fond of retirement. A young 
man, who observed him often walking alone, said to him, one 
day, in accosting him, " Sir, how can you bear this soli- 
tude?" " I had only begun to be alone," answered Young, 
" at the moment you accosted me." 



VALUE OF JUSTCE. 
M. Camus, having bought a charge of bailiff for his son, 
advised him never to work in vain, but to raise contribu- 
tions on those who wanted his assistance. " What, father," 
said the son, in surprise, "would you have me sell justice?" 
" Why not?" answered the father : "is so scarce an article 
to be given for nothing?" 



FEMALE QUARRELS. 

The spretce injuria for mce is the greatest with a woman. 

The Earl of Chesterfield, hearing that two of his female 

relations had quarrelled, asked, "Did they call each other 

U g]y 7" " £To." << Well, well ; I shall soon reconcile them." 



A dissenting minister, not many years since deceased, 
married three wives : the first, for her riches ; the second, on 
account of her personal charms ; the third, he married in old 
age, merely for the sake of securing her attention and his own 
comfort ; this last, however, who survived him, proved an 
abominable shrew. "I have," said the reverend old man to 
a friend, "had, in my time, three wives ; the tcorld, the flesh, 
and the devil, — but the devil sticks by." 



200 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

LITERARY GUZZLEMENT. 

Hume, Smith, and other literati of the last century, used 
to frequent a tavern in a low street in Edinburgh, called the 
Potterrow; where, if their accommodations were not of the 
first order, they had, at least, no cause to complain of the 
scantiness of their victuals. One day, as the landlady was 
bringing in a third supply of some particularly good dish, she 
thus addressed them : " They ca' ye the liter awti, I believe ; 
od, if they were to ca' ye the eaterawti, they would be nearer 
the mark. 77 



ANECDOTE OF THE SHORTER CATECHISM. 

A Scotch clergyman was one day catechising his flock in 
the church. The bedral, or church-officer, being somewhat 
ill-read in the Catechism, thought it best to keep a modest 
place near the door, in the hope of escaping the inquisition. 
But the clergyman observed him, and called him forward. 
" John," said he, " what is baptism?" " Ou, sir," answered 
John, scratching his head, " ye ken; it's just sax-pence to 
me, and fifteen-pence to the precentor." 



A man whose name was Herring, dropping accidentally 
into a river, desired one that stood on the bank to lend him 
his hand for the helping him out. " 0, no," said he, u by 
no means; for water is the Herring's proper element." 



A biography of Eobespierre in an Irish paper concludes 
thus : " This extraordinary man left no children behind him, 
except his brother, who was killed at the same time." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 201 

THE AUTHOR OF WAVERLEY. 

Mrs. Murray Keith, a venerable Scotch lady, from whom 
Sir Walter Scott derived many of the traditionary stories 
and anecdotes wrought up in his admirable fictions, taxed 
him one day with the authorship, which he, as usual, stoutly 
denied. "What," exclaimed the old lady, "d'ye think I 
dinna ken my ain groats anions other folk's kail ?" 



REASONS FOR THE SCOTCH BEING GREAT SMUGGLERS. 

An Englishman once expressed great surprise, in a com- 
pany of literati at Edinburgh, that the Scotch should be so 
much addicted to smuggling, seeing that they are a remarka- 
bly sober and moral people. He thought it must be much 
against their conscience. " 0, not at all, sir," said Mr- 
R d, a noted punster, who was present: "what is con- 
science but a l small still voice' V* "Further," added Pro- 
fessor AY , "it is : the worm that never dies.' " 



BETTERTON. 



Archbishop Sancroft once asked this celebrated actor, 
" Pray. Mr. Betterton, can you inform me what is the reason 
you actors on the stage affect your audience by speaking of 
things imaginary as if they were real, while we in the 
church speak of things redt } which our congregations receive 
only as if they were imaginary? " "'Why, really, my 
lordr" said Betterton, "I don't know; except it is, that we 
actors speak of things imaginary as if they were real, while 
you in the pulpit speak of things real as if they were imagi- 
nary." 



202 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



A ROUGH ROAD. 



A young Tennessean, who was taken by the enemy at New 
Orleans, on the night of the same day was asked how far it 
was to the city, and answered, " Six miles." They replied, 

We will be there to-morrow." "It is not far," said he, 
" but it is a very rough road." "What is in the way?" 
" Old Hickory" replied the young man. 



a 



EXAMPLE. 

Madame de Longueyille was advised to go to court, in 
order to give it a good example. "I cannot," said she, 
" show a better example than in quitting it." 



SATISFACTORY EXPLANATION. 



Santeuil, preaching one day upon the Evangelist of the 
Samaritan, said, " Don't be surprised at this evangelist being 
so long ; it is a woman who speaks." 



A CHINESE ANECDOTE. 

In China there has existed, from time immemorial, an his- 
torical tribunal, instituted in order to perpetuate the virtues 
and vices of the reigning monarch. One day the Emperor 
Tai-t-song ordered this tribunal to produce the history of his 
reign. "You know," answered the president, "that we 
give an exact detail of the virtues and vices of our sove- 
reigns ; and we are no longer at liberty to record the truth, 
if our registers be subject to your inspection." " What ! " 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 203 

replied the emperor, "you transmit my history to posterity, 
and do you assume the liberty to acquaint it with my faults 1 " 
"It is inconsistent with my character," rejoined the president, 
" and with the dignity of my place, ever to disguise the truth. 
I am bound to record the whole. If you are guilty of even the 
slightest fault, I shall sensibly feel it ; but I must not forget 
my duty — I cannot be silent. And such is the exactness 
and severity of the duties which my office of historian imposes 
upon me, that I am not even suffered to omit our present 
conversation." Tai-t-song had an elevation of soul. " Con- 
tinue," said he to the president, "to write the truth, without 
constraint. May my virtues and vices contribute to the pub- 
lic utility, and be instructive to my successors ! Your tribu- 
nal is free. I will forever protect it, and permit it to write 
my history with the greatest impartiality." What an excel- 
lent lesson to the princes of the earth ! Happy for their 
subjects, did they constantly reflect that the faithful hand of 
history will not fail to render them dear or odious to the latest 
times ! 



POETRY AND PAINTING. 



Boileau said, "As tradesmen are continually wanting 
signs for their shops, a bad painter is always of some use; 
but what is a bad poet good for ! " 



GOOD REASON. 



An old bed-ridden peasant in Fife one day called to his 
grandson, a little boy, "Jock, bring me a drink of cauld 
water." Jock, who remembered that there was no water in 
the house, except a small quantity at the bottom of a pitcher, 



204 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

which had become muddy, asked his venerable relation if he 
would prefer it with what he called " a flitcher o' meal on the 
tap o ? t?" " No/ ? answered the old man; "bring it by 
itself." "Then," said Jock, in a tone of evident chagrin, 
" I '11 hae to gang to the wall for 't." 



A GOOD CUSTOMER. 



When the son of a certain London banker had eloped to 
Scotland with a great heiress, whom he married, still retain- 
ing a paternal taste for parsimony, he objected to the demand 
of two guineas made by the priest of Gretna Green, stating 

that Captain had reported the canonical charge to be 

only five shillings. " True," replied Vulcan; "but Captain 

is an Irishman, and I have married him five times, — so 

I consider him as a good customer ; but perhaps I may never 
see your face again." 



STRANGE PRAYER. 



A Presbyterian minister, in the reign of King William 
III., performing public worship in the Tron Church at Edin- 
burgh, used this remarkable expression in his prayer: " Lord, 
have mercy upon all fools and idiots, and particularly upon 
the Town Council of Edinburgh." 



ANOTHER. 



Mr. John Dickson, a clergyman of the same age and 
country, praying for grace, said, "Lord, dibble thou the 
kale-seed of thy grace in our hearts ; and, if we grow not up 
good kale, Lord, make us good sprouts, at least." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 205 

A Cape-Cod man laid a wager that lie would lie down 
naked on the salt meadows a quarter of an hour, and submit 
to the utmost fury of the mosquitos for that term, without 
once wincing. Accordingly the wager was staked ; he lay 
down, in one of the calm hot evenings of last August, on the 
side of a marsh where the mosquitos were flying about by 
millions. Thirteen minutes and a half he lay in this situation 
without shrinking, and put the whole host of the winged little 
fiends at defiance. One of the company, fearing, at last, that 
the fellow would win the wager, stepped aside, and put the 
small end of a walking-stick into the fire, with which he 
returned and slyly applied it to the man's naked back. He 
could hold out no longer, but shrunk from the touch with 
some violence, taking it for the bite of a large fly. "You 
have lost the wager," said one of the company. " I have 
lost it. sure enough,*' said he; "but, if it had not been for 
that deuced ganninipper, I should have won it ! JJ [A ganni- 
nipper is a large, green fly, abounding in pine woods, of a 
very keen sting, peculiarly painful and venomous.] 



LORD JUSTICE-CLERK. 



The Lord Justice-Clerk is the chief judge of the Scottish 
Criminal Court : in addition to which dignity, he sits at the 
head of one division of the great Civil Court of the country. 
It will thus be imagined by a southern reader that he is a 
personage of no small local dignity. A bearer of this office 
wagjmce shooting over the grounds of a friend in Ayrshire 
by himself, when a gamekeeper, who was unacquainted with 
his person, came up and demanded to see his license, or card 
of permission. His lordship had, unfortunately, nothing of 
the sort about his person ; but. secure in his high character 



206 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

and dignity, he made very light of the omission, and was pre- 
paring to renew his sport. The man, however, was zealous in 
his trust, and sternly forbade him to proceed any further over 
the fields. "What, sirrah!" cried his lordship; "do you 
know whom you are speaking to ? I am the Lord Justice- 
Clerk ! " "I dinna care," replied the man, " whase clerk ye 
are ; but ye maun shank aff thir grounds, or, by my saul, 
I'll lay your feet fast ! " The reader is left to conceive the 
astonishment of the unfortunate judge, at finding himself 
treated in a style so different from his wont. 



The honorable Judge Sewall went into a hatter's shop in 
order to procure a pair of second-hand brushes for the pur- 
pose of cleaning his shoes. The master of the shop presented 
him with a couple which had become unfit for his own use. 
"What is your price?" says the judge. " If they will an- 
swer your purpose," says the other, "you may have them, 
and welcome." The judge, hearing this, laid them down, 
and, with a graceful bow, went directly out of the door. At 
which the mechanic said to him, "Your honor has forgotten 
the principal design of your visit." " By no means," replied 
the judge ; "if you please to set your price, I stand ready to 
purchase. But ever since it has fallen to my lot to occupy a 
seat on the bench, I have studiously avoided receiving a single 
copper by way of donation, lest in some future period it might 
have a kind of influence in determining my judgment." 



The Irish definition of an open countenance is not a bad 
one, — a mouth from ear to ear. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 207 

Ax American loyalist, being asked to purchase a ticket at 
one of General Burgoyne's benefits in London at one of the 
theatres, replied, i: I have paid enough for his sward in 

America, and am determined to give nothing for his pen in 

'England.'" 



AT MY WIT'S END. 

A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for his 
wit, was conversing with a lady, who, at last, quite over- 
powered by the brilliance and frequency of his bon inots, 
exclaimed, " Stop, sir! there is really no end to your wit," 
'•God forbid, madam," replied the humorist, "that I should 
ever be at my wit's end.'' 



SCOTCH BULL. 



There is. at this present time (A. D. 1830), the following 
inscription over the principal door of the Gaelic Chapel at 
Edinburgh: "The Gaelic Chapel, removed from the Castle 
Hill to this place, 1815. The Lord will provide." 



GOOD FOR TRADE. 



The late well-known Sandy Wood, surgeon in Edinburgh, 
was walking through the streets of that city during the time 
of an illumination, when he observed a young rascal breaking 
every window he could reach, with as much industry as if he 
had been doing the most commendable action in the world. 
Enraged at this mischievous disposition, Sandy seized him by 
the collar, and asked him what he meant by thus destroying 
the honest people's windows. " Why, it ? s all for the good of 
1 -\" replied the young urchin ; :: T am a glazier" "All 



208 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

for the good of trade, is it?" said Sandy, raising his cane and 
breaking the boy's head; "there, then, that's for the good 
of my trade, — I am a surgeon ! " 



Mr. was not remarkable for his punctual attendance 

on public worship. A friend once asked him why he was so 
frequently culpable in that respect. He said that Neighbor 
Such-a-one snored so intolerably that he could not sleep. 



Mrs. W., walking on one of the wharves in New York, 

jocosely asked a sailor why a ship was always called she. 

" 0, faith," says the son of Neptune, "because the rigging 
costs more than the hull." 



An ignorant candidate for medical honors, having thrown 
himself almost into a fever from his incapability of answering 
the questions, was asked by one of the censors how he would 
sweat a patient for the rheumatism. "I would send him 
here to be examined ! " 



A thief, having stolen a cup out of a tavern, was pursued, 
and a great mob raised around him. A bystander was asked 
what was the matter. "Nothing," answered he; "a poor 
fellow has only taken a cup too much" 



An Indian, who was appointed a justice of the peace, 
issued the following energetic warrant : "Me High Howder, 






ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 209 

yu constable, yu deputy, best way yu look um Jeremiah 
Wicket, strong yu take um, fast yu hold um, quick yu bring 
um before me, Captain Howdeb." 



ANECDOTES OF MR. HOWARD. 

BY DK. AIKEN. 

The following characteristic anecdote was communicated to 
me by a gentleman who travelled in a chaise with him from 
Lancashire to London, in 1777: 

Mr. Howard observed that he had found few things more 
difficult to manage than post-chaise drivers, w T ho would seldom 
comply with his wishes of going either slow or fast, till he 
adopted the following method : At the end of a stage, when 
the driver had been perverse, he desired the landlord to send 
for some poor, industrious widow, or other proper object of 
charity, and to introduce such person and the driver together. 
He then paid the latter his fare, and told him, as he had not 
thought proper to attend to his repeated requests as to the 
manner of being driven, he should not make him any present ; 
but, to show him that he did not withhold it through any 
principle of parsimony, he would give the poor person present 
double the sum usually given to a postilion. This he did, 
and dismissed the parties. He had not long practised this 
mode, he said, before he experienced the good effects of it on 
all the roads where he was known. 

A more extraordinary instance of Mr. Howard's determined 
spirit has been related to me. Travelling, once, in the King 
of Prussia's dominions, he came to a very narrow piece of 
road, admitting only one carriage, where it was enjoined on 
all postilions entering at each end to blow their horns by way 
of notice. He did so ; but, after proceeding a good way, they 
18* 



210 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

met a courier travelling on the king's business, who had 
neglected this precaution. The courier ordered Mr. Howard's 
postilion to turn back; but Mr. Howard remonstrated that 
he had complied with the rule, while the other had violated 
it, and therefore that he should Hksist on going forwards. 
The courier, relying on an authority to which, in that coun- 
try, everything must give way, made use of high words, — 
but in vain. As neither was disposed to yield, they sat still 
a long time in their respective carriages. At length the 
courier gave up the point to the sturdy Englishman, who 
would on no account renounce his 7 % ights. 



HANDEL AND THE SERPENT. 

The first time the musical instrument called the serpent 
was used in a concert where Handel presided, he was so much 
surprised with the coarseness of its tones that he called out 
hastily, " Vat de devil is dat?" On being informed it was 
the serpent, he replied, "It never can be de serpent vat 
seduced Eve." 



A traveller was lately boasting of the luxury of arriving 
at night, after a hard day's journey, to partake of the enjoy- 
ment of a well-cut ham, and the left leg of a goose. " Pray, 
sir, what is the peculiar luxury of a left leg?" "Sir, to 
conceive its luxury, you must find that it is the only leg left." 



When landing some troops at Quiberon Bay, and manoeu- 
vring in the best manner to effect the disembarkation with 
the least possible loss, Mr. Colby was shot through the hat. 



OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 211 

Upon jocosely observing to him that he perhaps bobbed his 
head to avoid the danger, he facetiously remarked, '*It is no 
reproach to a British officer to prevent the enemy from 
seeing through him." 



An Irishman being asked why he fled from his colors, said 
his heart was as good as any man's in the regiment, but he 
protested his cowardly legs would run away with him, what- 
ever he could do. 



A SICK LAWYER. 



A lawyer, being sick, made his last will and testament, 
and gave all his estate to fools and madmen ! Being asked 
the reason for so doing, he said, " From such I got it, and to 



such I return it again. ;J 



GOOD MANNERS. 

Dunning, the celebrated barrister, was addicted to the low 
and unpardonable vice of turning witnesses into ridicule at 
their examinations. One morning he was telling Mr. Solici- 
tor-General Lee that he had just bought a few good manors 
in Devonshire, near his native village of Ashburton. "I 
wish,*' said Lee, "you would bring some of them into "West- 
minster Hall ; for, upon my honor, you have most need of 
them there." 



CONCISE DISCOURSE — RAPIN. 

This celebrated Jesuit, on the Festival of St. Stephen, was 
to deliver a panegyric on that saint ; and, it being late before 



212 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

he began, his brethren, who feared that he might detain them 
too long, begged him to abridge his discourse. Rapin mounted 
the pulpit, and addressed his auditors, " Brothers, it is one 
year to-day since I delivered before you a panegyric on the 
saint whose festival we celebrate. As I have not heard that 
he has performed anything new since, I have nothing to add 
to the encomiums which I then passed upon him." There- 
upon he gave his benediction, and departed. 



EXPRESSION. 



Le Seuer acquired, by his rare talents, the denomination 
of the Raphael of France. Le Brun, a celebrated painter, 
examining the cloisters of the Chartreuse, at Paris, painted by 
Le Seuer, supposing himself alone, cried out, at each painting, 
1 £ How fine that is ! what beautiful coloring ! how admirable is 
the effect and expression of the figures ! JJ The same artist, 
having visited Le Seuer in his last moments, said, in retiring, 
that " Death was going to extract a large thorn from his foot." 



ETYMOLOGY. 



Dr. Dalgleish, minister of Peebles, in giving a statistical 
account of that parish for Sir John Sinclair's immense com- 
pilation, simply stated that the place must have derived its 
name from the pebbles which are found there in great quan- 
tity. The more elaborate antiquary, George Chalmers, by a 
tolerable pun for a man of his stamp, remarks in his " Cale- 
donia ' ; that the worthy clergyman of Peebles, in seeking for 
the etymology of the word, is content to look no further than 
to the stones beneath his feet ! 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 213 

A LAD IN HIS DAY. 

When Dr. Thomson (father of Dr. Andrew Thomson, of 
Edinburgh) was minister of Markinch, he happened to preach 
from the text, "Look not upon wine when it is red in the 
cup; " from which he made a most eloquent and impressive 
discourse against drunkenness, stating its fatal effects on the 
head, heart and purse. Several of his observations were lev- 
elled at two cronies with whom he was well acquainted, who 
frequently poured out libations to the rosy god. At the dis- 
missal of the congregation, the two friends met, the doctor 
being close behind them. "Did you hear yon, Johnnie?" 
quoth the one. "'Did I hear't! Wha didna hear't? I 
ne'er winked an e'e the hale sermon." "Aweel, an' what 
thought ye o't?" "Adeed, Davie, I think he's been a lad 
in his day, or he coudna ken'd sae weel about it. Ah ! he 's 
been a slee hand, the minister ! " 



ONE GLASS AT A TIME. 

Dr. Thomson took occasion to exhort the same Davie, who 
was a namesake of his own, to abstain from excessive drinking, 
otherwise he would bring his gray hairs prematurely to the 
grave. " Take my advice, David," says the minister, " and 
never take more than one glass at a time." " Neither I do, 
sir," says David; "neither I do; but I care unco little how 
short time be at ween the twa."' 



PAST UNDERSTANDING. 

The agreeable writer, Gombold, one day presented some of 
his compositions to a nobleman of rather dull comprehension. 
The nobleman, in reading them, said, " Here are things I do 
not understand." The poet answered, " That 's not my fault." 



214 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



A SHAVING PUN. 



At one period, the corporation of skinners, in the burgh of 
Lanark, before its total extinction, was threatened with self- 
dissolution ; when, in order to keep up the show of a body 
corporate, the fast-expiring remnant bethought themselves of 
admitting into their numbers members who knew nothing of 
the craft. The measure was strenuously opposed by the 
magistrates, and the matter was carried to the Court of Ses- 
sion. During one of the pleadings before the Lord Ordinary, 
the counsel for the magistrates observed that a barber had 
been admitted, at the same time adding, with dignified 
emphasis, " And sure, my Lord, he is no skinner. ?? His 
Lordship, with an arch smile, briefly interrupted him with. 
" I am not sure of that ; perhaps he is skinner enough." 



The wife of an Irish gentleman being suddenly taken ill, 
the husband ordered a servant to get a horse ready to go for 
the doctor. By the time, however, that the horse was ready, 
and the note to the doctor written, the lady had recovered ; 
on which, he added the following postscript, and sent the 
servant off: " My wife having recovered, you need not 



Dr. Shard, of Hart Hall, Oxford, had a ridiculous, though 
very common habit, of prefacing all his sentences with the 
words " I say." An under-graduate having mimicked this 
peculiarity, the doctor sent for him to give him a jobation, 
which he began thus : " I say, they say, you say, I say I 
say; " when, finding the ridiculous combination, he concluded 
by bidding him quit the room. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 215 

EXPORTED AND TRANSPORTED DEFINED. 

A gentleman recently married was enjoying, with his 
fair one, an evening walk along the beach at Musselburgh. 
" Pray, my dear," said the lady, "what is the difference 
between exported and transported!" At that moment a 
vessel left the harbor, bound for a foreign port. " Were you, 
my love," returned the gentleman, " aboard that vessel, you 
would be exported^ and I would be transported^ 



Two gentlemen discoursing in a t public company, one of 
them observed that the disorder of the king's evil was very 
uncommon in this country. " True," replied the other, 
"the king's' evil seldom rages in a republican govern- 
ment" 



A COUNSEL'S OPINION OF THE FOLLY OF GOING TO LAW. 

Counsellor M T being in company, one day, after he 

had retired from practice, the glorious uncertainty of the law 
became the subject of conversation. He was appealed to for 
his opinion, when he laconically observed, " If any man was 
to claim the coat upon my back, and threaten me with a law- 
suit in case of a refusal to give it him, he certainly should 
have it, lest, in defending my coat, I should find out, too 
late, that I was deprived of my waistcoat also ! " 



HARANGUE. 



The President Mole, finding it his duty to make one of 
those orations prescribed by custom to the Duke of Bour- 
goigne, who was then an infant in his cradle, contented 



216 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

himself with addressing these honest sentiments to him: 
"My Lord, we come to offer our respects to you; our 
children will offer you their services" 



TRANSMIGRATION OF SOULS. 

The transmigration of souls was the subject in a large 
company. A young gentleman attempted to turn the subject 
into ridicule, and said, " In fact, I can remember having been 
the golden calf myself." "That we can readily believe," 
replied George Selwyn, " for you have only lost the gilding." 



At the conclusion of a meeting for the choice of town 
officers, a Mr. Shote was chosen hog-constable ; which pro- 
duced the subsequent impromptu : 

" The •wisdom of this town now stands confessed, 
They chose one Shote to govern all the rest." 



A country schoolmaster asked a sailor what was the 
third and half the third of two pence. The fellow was illit- 
erate and unacquainted with arithmetic, and very ingeniously 
evaded an answer, intimating that, as his messmates were by, 
he did not care to give that for nothing for which he had paid 
at so dear a rate by application and expense, adding that he 
could set the schoolmaster a much harder question. This 
not a little piqued the other, who felt his learned consequence 
hurt by being told so by an unlettered tar. " What is it ? " 
cried the former. " Why," replied the sailor, " if a pound 
of cheese cost four pence, what will a cart-load of turnips 
amount to?" 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 217 

CHARLES II. AND ROCHESTER. 

King Charles II. being at bowls, and having laid a bowl 
very near the jack, cried out, "My soul to a horse-hair, no- 
body beats that." ' ; Lay odds," says Rochester, u and I'll 
take you." 

DUNNING EXTRAORDINARY. 

A tradesman pressing a gentleman very much for pay- 
ment of his bill, the latter said, 1 1 You need not be in so great 
a hurry; I am not going to run away." " I do not imagine 
you are, sir," returned the tradesman; " but I am." 



JAMES II. AND WALLER. 

King James II. having a wish to converse with Waller, 
the poet, sent for him one afternoon, and took him into his 
closet, where was a very fine picture of the Princess of Or- 
ange. The king asked him his opinion of the picture, on 
which Waller said he thought it extremely like the greatest 
woman that ever lived in the world. " Whom do you call 
so ? " said the king. " Queen Elizabeth," replied the other. 
"I wonder, Mr. Waller," said the king, "that you should 
think so ; for she owed all her greatness to her council, and 
that, indeed, it must be admitted, was a wise one." "And 
pray, sir," said Waller, " did your majesty ever know a fool 
choose a wise council 7 " 



DR. JOHNSON. 



When Dr. Johnson visited the University of St. Andrew's, 
he took occasion to inquire of one of the professors into the 
state of their funds ; and, being told that they were not so 
19 



218 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

affluent as many of their neighbors, " No matter," said the 
doctor, dryly, " persevere in the plan you have formed, and 
you will get rich by degrees" 



MARCH OF POLITENESS. 



Complaisance is no longer confined to the polite circles. 
A captain of a vessel was lately called out of a coffee-house, 
at Wapping, by a waterman, with the following address: 
" An 't please your honor, the tide is waiting for you." 



DELICACY. 



In a company where Fontenelle was present, a piece of 
mechanism, composed of ivory and most curiously constructed, 
was produced for the inspection of the company. It was of 
such delicate workmanship that they were afraid of breaking 
it, if they touched it. It was generally admired. " For my 
part," said Fontenelle, "I don't like anything of such very 
delicate structure." Just at this moment the Marchioness of 
Flamaren entered the room. She had heard Fontenelle' s 
observation, which he perceiving, added, " I don't say so, 
however, of your ladyship." 



A GREAT NAME. 

The Count d'Evreux came sometimes to see Fontenelle. 
One day that this prince, after a long visit, was preparing to 
go out, Fontenelle said to his servants, " Open the folding- 
doors." "0, no," said the count, "I can pass very well 
with one open." "You will pass through," said Fontenelle, 
" but your name will not." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 219 



NEGRO RAFFLE. 



In my tour through the Southern States I have met with 
many amusing incidents, but do not remember anything that 
created so great an excitement, for the time being, as a " ne- 
gro raffle 7 ' in the town of , in the State of Mississippi. 

Mr. , the owner of the boy, having a note to pay that 

day, and not having the wherewith to do it, was compelled to 
do what he gladly would not have done. The boy to be 
raffled for was a smart, intelligent lad, of about eighteen years 
of age. He went by the name of Bill. There were eighty 
chances, with ••'three dice,'' at ten dollars per chance. I 
was present when the affair came off. There remained one 
chance, which I took and gave to Bill, upon the condition 
that he would throw the dice himself, and " shake like oxen.'' 
Bili rolled his eyes in an astonished and astonishing manner, 
and after a hearty AYha, wha. wha ! in which he displayed 
two frightful rows of ivory, opening a mouth " like the break 
of dav. from east to west."' with a low bow. said. " I "11 try, 
Massa." As may be supposed, the scene became highly 



exciting. 



The raffling commenced. Bill looked on unconcerned at 
anything but the idea of leaving his old master. When the 
chances were all raffled off but the last, Bill took the box. 
Previously to his throwing, however, he was offered one hun- 
dred dollars for his chance, — the highest throw yet made 
being forty-six, which stood "ja tie" between two individu- 
als. But Bill was no " compromise man ; '' he refused the 
offer, saying, ' ; De whole hog, or noffin," and made his first 
throw, which was thirteen. His second throw was sixteen. 
Bill stopped, scratched his head, threw again, and up came 
eighteen. It was declared off that " Bill was high and free ; " 
and such a shout I never heard in my life. Bill hardly knew 



220 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

what to do with himself. In a moment, however, he asked 

the whole party to drink ; and no man in , it is said, 

ever refused an invitation of the kind, except one, and he 
soon after died. So says tradition. 

Bill's success induced him to try another speculation of the 
"same sort," believing that he could do, as a free man, as 
much as he had before done. He proposed to set himself 
up again in a "raffle;" and, as he had won before, he 
thought it would be no more than fair that he should put the 
price at six hundred dollars this time. The chances were 
soon taken, Bill reserving but one chance to himself. He 
pocketed five hundred dollars, and the sport again com- 
menced. Bill's original owner and himself were the two 
highest again ; and, in throwing off, Bill lost. It proved a 
very fortunate speculation for Bill and his master both. The 
master had made eight hundred dollars clear, and Bill had 
cleared five hundred dollars, and remained with his kind mas- 
ter. They started for home together, the master declaring 
no money could induce him to part with Bill again, unless 
he was willing to leave; but promised him, if he would 
be as faithful to him as he had always been, until he was 
twenty-one, he should have his freedom. They were both 
well contented, and every one present was satisfied that he 
had got his money's worth. 



The New York papers tell some large pigeon stories of 
late; but the Livingston (N. Y.) Union, we think, rather 
beats them all. It says that "a man in Genesee killed 
seventy-one pigeons at one shot, with a common fowling- 
piece. The same sportsman once gathered eleven bushels 
and three pecks of pigeons' legs, the product of one shot 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 221 

with the ■ common fowling-piece.' He aimed too low, and 
the legs took a benefit."' 



WRITTEN AFTER GOING TO LAW. 

The law they say great nature's chain connects, 
That causes ever must produce effects ; 
In me behold reversed great nature's laws, — 
All my effects lost by a single cause. 



It is stated in the last foreign papers that a young lady at 
Liscard purchased some eggs, and put two of them on the fire 
to boil. When the water began to warm, one of the eggs 
burst, and out sprang a chicken, which hopped into the fire, 
and was burnt to death before it could be secured. 



The words of a German author to his daughter are so full 
of wisdom that the young lady who should make them het 
rule would avoid half the scrapes of her companions : " Con- 
verse always with your female friends as if a gentleman were 
of the party, and with young men as if your female com- 
panions were present." 



Relationships are rather far-fetched sometimes, both in 
Ireland and Scotland. " Do you know Tom Duffy, Pat? " 
11 Know him, is it? " says Pat ; " sure, he 's a near relaiion 
of mine; he once wanted to marry my sister Kate." 



An advertisement in a Connecticut paper began thus : 
" To let, a large farm, on any terms, good, bad, or indiffer- 
ent." 

19* 



222 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

The most interesting sight is that of a young lady, with 
eyes like a u gazelle," a voice like a " silver trumpet," and 
■with "lips like rubies," and with " cheeks that have stolen 
the carnation of the deathless rose," with her mouth full of 
— gingerbread. 



A Yankee, according to the poet Saxe, is a driving young 
man: 

"He sees aqueducts in bubbling springs ; 
Buildings in stone, and cash in everything." 



A lady, who not long since visited Harrowgate Spring, 
expatiating on the superior efficacy of the Ballston Spa, in 
order to substantiate her position, added, " The dollars are 
left at Ballston." " Yes, madam," very gravely replied Mr. 
Cowley, the keeper of Harrow T gate, " the healthy leave their 
dollars nt Ballston, and the lame leave their crutches at 
Harrowgate." 

When Dryden had finished his translation of Virgil, after 
some deliberation with himself, he sent the MS. to Jacob 
Tonson, requiring for it a certain sum, which he mentioned in 
a note. Tonson was desirous of possessing the work, but 
meanly wished to avail himself of Dryden's necessities, which 
at that time were particularly urgent. He therefore informed 
Dryden that he could not afford to give so much for it as he 
demanded. In answer to this, Dryden sent the following 
lines to Tonson, whom they w T ere meant to describe : 

" With leering look, bull-faced, and freckled fair, 
With two left legs, with Judas-colored hair, 
And frowzy pores that taint the ambient air." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 223 

When they were delivered to Tonson, he asked if Mr. Dry- 
den had said anything more. "Yes, sir/' answered the 
bearer ; "he said, ' Tell the dog that he who wrote these lines 
will write more like them.' " Tonson immediately paid the 
money which Dryden had at first demanded for his Virgil. 



EPITAPH IN A COUNTRY CHURCH- YARD. 

Here lies the remains of Thomas Nichols, who died in 
Philadelphia, March, 1793. Had he lived, he would have 
been buried here. 



ANECDOTE. 



Swift, Arbuthnot and Parnel, who were all contempora- 
ries and intimates of Lord Bathurst, took the advantage of 
a fine frosty morning to walk down to a little place his lord- 
ship had about eleven miles from town. When they were 
about half-way, Swift, who was remarkable for being an old 
traveller, and getting the best room and warmest bed, pre- 
tended he did not like their pace, and said he would walk on 
before, and inform his lordship of the journey. This they 
agreed to ; but he was no sooner out of sight than they, judg- 
ing his errand, sent off a horseman by a by-way, to inform 
his lordship of the particulars. The man got there time 
enough to deliver his message, when his lordship, recollecting 
that Swift never had the small-pox, thought of the following 
device. When he saw him coming up the avenue, he ran out 
to meet him, expressing his happiness at seeing him, but said 
he was mortified at one circumstance, as it must deprive him 
of the pleasure of his company, and that was that a raging 
small-pox was in the house ; but begged he would accept such 
accommodations as a little house at the bottom of the avenue 



224 015TE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

would afford. Swift was necessitated to comply ; and in this 
lonesome situation, afraid to speak to any one around him, 
he was served with dinner. In the evening, however, the 
wits thought proper to release him, by going down in a body 
to inform him of the deception, and that the fifth best room 
and bed in the house were at his service. Swift, however he 
might be inwardly mortified, thought it his interest to join in 
the laugh ; when they all adjourned to the mansion-house, 
and spent the evening in that manner that can be very well 
conceived by those who were in the least acquainted with 
the brilliancy of their characters. 



A writer in the Boston Monthly Anthology, speaking of' 
the style and character of Dr. Aikin as an author, observed 
that his letters to a young lady upon a course of English po- 
etry were worth at least as much as any Lonnet in Cornhill. 



A lady was induced to attend a sermon preached by a 
Scotch clergyman ; and, being asked her opinion of it as she 
came out of church, declared that it was as broad as it was 
long. 

A Mr. Vaux, an innkeeper in the vicinity of Philadelphia, 
as a party were making merry at his house, abruptly entered 
the room in a boisterous manner, but was soon gagged by a 
wag present, who observed that he was vox et preterea nihil. 



One day Swift observed a great rabble of people assem- 
bled in a large open space before his door in Kevin-street ; 
and, upon inquiring the cause of this, was told it was to see 



OKI THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 225 

the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle, or crier, 
and gave him all his lesson of what he should do. Away 
ran Davy for his bell ; and, after ringing it some time among 
the crowd, bawled out, "0. yes! 0, yes! all manner of 
persons concerned are desired to take notice that it is the 
Dean of St, Patrick's will and pleasure that the eclipse be 
put off till this hour to-morrow. So God save the king, and 
his reverence the dean"! " The mob, upon this notice, im- 
mediately dispersed : only some, more cunning than the rest, 
swore they would not lose another afternoon ; for that the 
dean, who was a comical man, might take it into his head to 
put off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second 
time. 



" "What complaints can my husband make of me ? " said a 
techy wife. "I have a mind to all that he has a mind to; 
he has a mind to be master, and so have I." 



Lord Kellie was once amusing his company with an ac- 
count of a sermon he had heard in a church in Italy, in which 
the priest related the miracle of St. Anthony, when preaching 
on ship-board, attracting the fishes, which, in order to listen 
to his pious discourse, held their heads out of the water. " I 
can perfectly well believe the miracle," said Mr. Henry 
Erskine. " How so?" i: When your lordship was at 
church, there was at least one fish oat of the water. 91 



A man in Michigan, not long since, committed suicide by 
drowning. As the body could not be found, the coroner held 
an inquest on his hat and jacket, found on the bank of the 
lake. Verdict, ci Found empty." 



226 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

BON MOT FOR THE BAR. 
Mr. Erskine, being indisposed in the Court of King's 
Bench, told Mr. Jekyl that he had a pain in his bowels, for 
which he could get no relief. " I will give you an infallible 
specific," replied the humorous Banister ; " get made Attorney- 
general, my friend, and then you will have no bowels at all.' 7 



CURIOUS ACCOUNT OF A BLIND MAN. 

John Metcalf, born at Knaresborough in the year 1717, 
lost his sight when only four years old, soon after which he 
became unconscious of light and its various effects. Being 
instructed to play on the violin, he attended as a musician at 
the Queen's Head, High Harrowgate, for many years, and 
was the first person who set up a wheel-carriage for the con- 
veyance of company to and from the places of public resort 
in that neighborhood. In the year 1745 he engaged to serve 
as musician in Colonel Thornton's volunteers, and was taken 
prisoner at the battle of Falkirk. Being soon released, he 
returned to Knaresborough, and commenced common carrier 
betwixt that town and York, and often served as a guide in 
intricate roads during the night, or when the tracks were 
covered with snow ; nor was any person more eager of the 
chase, which he would follow, either on foot or on horseback, 
with the greatest avidity. Strange as this may appear to 
those who can see, the employment he followed for many 
years afterward is still more extraordinary, and one of the 
last to which we could suppose a blind man would ever 
turn his attention, — that of projecting and contracting for the 
making of high roads, building bridges, houses, &c. With 
no other assistance than a long staff in his hand, he would 
ascend the precipice, and explore the valley, and investigate 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 227 

llie extent of each, its form and situation. The plans which he 
designed, and the estimates he made, were done in a method 
peculiar to himself, and which he could not well convey the 
meaning of to others. This extraordinary man was at 
Knaresborough, his native place, in June, 1788, being just 
returned from finishing a piece of road, and constructing a 
bridge over a rivulet at Marsden, near Huddersfield, in York- 
shire, being then, in the seventy-first year of his age, healthy 
and strong. 

UNION OF LITERARY COMPOSITIONS. 

At a large literary party in Edinburgh, some years ago, it 
was mentioned that a certain well-known literary character 
had written two poems, one called "The Bible," the other 
" The Ocean; " that he was offering them to the booksellers, 
who, however, would not accede to his terms of publication ; 
and that the worthy author was, therefore, puzzled not a little 
as to what he should do with his productions. " Why," 
remarked a sarcastic gentleman, who was present, "I think 
the doctor could not do better than throw the one into the 
other." 

FEAR, 

Lord Peterborough being congratulated on never evinc- 
ing any fear, " Sir," answered Lord Peterborough, " show me 
a danger which I am convinced is near and unavoidable, and 
I promise you I shall have as much fear as any of you." 



A gentleman seeing a lady holding an act of parliament 
before her face to keep the fire off, said she was like an 
insolvent debtor, — " she was taking the benefit of the act," 



228 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

THE CONCLUSION. 

President Mole was occasionally very imperious in such 
cases as the subject-matter of the pleading, or the advocate, 
happened to be the objects of his dislike. On one occasion, 
however, he was answered in his own way. An advocate hav- 
ing risen to plead in an obnoxious cause, the president repeat- 
edly desired him to abridge his cause. The advocate contended 
for it with increased effect, and insisted that he had said noth- 
ing but what was essential ; the president, at length, piqued 
at something he had advanced, told him "the court ordered 
him to conclude." "Well," answered the advocate, "I con- 
clude that the court understands me." 



The following ingenious and scholastic toasts were given at 
a party of Virginian graduates : 

1. The Four Cardinal Points : May every quarter open to 
our scattered steps the paths of wisdom, wealth, and glory. 

2. The Seven Sciences : May they never cease to illumin- 
ate our land, while the seven stars continue to rise and set. 

3. I. Grammar : Success to concord and good govern- 
ment. An active man always in the imperative. 

4. II. Logic : Wealthy premises to the industrious. 

5. III. Rhetoric : In these times it were well to try the 
sublime of canon. Above all, the iron-ical matter should 
not be omitted, for that never fails touching the feelings of 
the insolent. 

6. IV. Arithmetic : Avoid internal divisions ; they are 
the root of evils without number ', and eventually reduce a 
nation to the most vidgar fractions. On the contrary line, 
in the allegations of fellowship and amity, every day will 
&dd 5^m-proof of your having calculated wisely. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 229 

7. V. Geometry : May our rulers always survey well the 
ground on which they stand. May the people never be 
encompassed with the plats of chain-carriers, and may a 
chord of sixty be the protractor of the traitor's neck. 

8. VI. Astronomy : May no revolution eclipse the sun of 
liberty ; but may its disk be without spot, and its beams 
encircle both hemispheres at once. 

9. VII. Music : May the whole tenor of our lives move 
counter to what is base. 

10. Geography : Let our laws be bounded by the equator 
of justice, and let no latitude be given to him who crosses 
the line. 

11. Chemistry : The refinement of Athens, the metal of 
Sparta, and the regidus of Rome. 

12. Mechanics : Perpetual motion to the wheels of the 
federal constitution. May execration never leave the poli- 
tician who is a leaver of its principles. 

13. The Languages : May the living be not too- much 
given to the grave, and may the dead never be forgotten. 



A physician who carries a merry physiognomy into the 
sick room, and among chronic, nervous and hypochondriac 
people, does a thousand times more to effect cures w 7 ith his 
warm, hearty laugh, and joyous face, than he does by his 
medicines. 

"When the Hindoo priest is about to baptize an infant, he 
utters the following beautiful sentiment: " Little babe, thou 
enterest the world weeping, while all around thee smile ; con- 
trive so to live that you may depart in smiles, while all 
around you weep." 
20 



230 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A PUNSTER BOGGED. 

Two Scotch country clergymen, one of whom was an inces- 
sant punster, were going home one night from a presbytery 
dinner ; and it so happened that the place where they had to 
take leave of each other, for the purpose of going to their 
several manses, was a spot of ground little better in character 
than a peat-moss. " Well," said one to the other, " after you 
have made* so many puns to-night, I have only to beg that 
you will make one more, and let it be on our parting at this 
moment." "Nay," said the other, and, as he spoke, he 
affected to sink a little into the soft soil beneath his feet, 
:i you have fairly bogged me now." 



Two servants discoursing over a pot of ale, of their master's 
hospitality, one said his master kept a very noble Christmas 
this year, for he killed an ox every day. " Tush ! " said the 
other, " my master killed an ox and a half" 



A Walpole wit observed that the late-invented method of 
making iron-bound boots and shoes was actually putting 
mankind upon a footing with horses. 



An Irish officer of six feet high made his appearance at the 
rooms of Bath, when the late haughty Princess Amelia was 
present. She was led, from his extraordinary appearance, to 
inquire his name, family, and pursuits. She received for 
information, among other answers to her inquiries, that he had 
been originally intended for the church. " Rather for the 
steeple" she tauntingly replied. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 231 

LONG PAUSE. 

A great teller of stories was in the midst of one of them, 
at his evening club, when notice was brought him that a ship. 
in which he was going to the West Indies, was on the point 
of sailing ; he was, therefore, obliged to break off abruptly. 
But, on fys return from Jamaica, some years afterwards, he 
repaired to the club, and, taking possession of his old seat by 
the fireside, he resumed his tale : " Gentlemen, as I was say- 
ing»- __^___ 

An East India governor having died abroad, his body was 
put in arrack, to preserve it for interment in England. A 
sailor on board the ship being frequently drunk, the captain 
assured him the next time he was guilty of that offence he 
should be severely whipped ; and, at the same time, forbade 
the purser, and, indeed, all the ship, to let him have any 
liquor. Shortly after, the fellow appeared very drunk. How 
he got the liquor no one could guess. The captain, resolved 
to find out and punish the person who had thus disobeyed his 
orders, promised to forgive him, if he would tell whence he 
got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccuped out, 
" Why, please your honor, I tapped the governor/*' 



Rashness borrows the name of courage, but it is of another 
race, and nothing allied to that virtue ; the one descends in a 
direct line from prudence, the other from folly and presump- 
tion 

Dorian, a celebrated wit, having lost a gouty shoe, being 
much afflicted with that disorder, said, "The only harm I wish 
the thief is that the shoe may fit him." 



232 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

GOOD BOOK-KEEPERS. 

Sir Walter Scott, in lending a book one day to a friend, 
cautioned him to be punctual in returning it. " This is 
really necessary/' said the poet, in apology; "for, though 
many of my friends are bad arithmeticians , I observe almost 
all of them to be good book-keepers" 



A very little gentleman was one day a hunting, and his 
servant asked a clown whether he saw any gentleman ride 
that way. u Truly," said he, "I saw a hat upon a saddle 
galloping that way a while since." 



When George Whitefield first came to Charleston, in 
South Carolina, the Reverend Alexander Garden was Epis- 
copal minister in that place. Not liking Whitefield' s princi- 
ples, he took occasion to preach against him, from the 
following text: "Behold, they that have turned the world 
upside down have come hither also." In the afternoon, Mr. 
Whitefield retorted upon his antagonist, before a crowded 
audience, in these words : "Alexander, the coppersmith, hath 
done me much evil : the Lord reward him according to his 
works." 



NEW METAMORPHOSIS. 

Mr. S de, of S de, in Berwickshire, some years 

ago resolved to improve a quantity of hie waste land, which 
was looked upon by his neighbors as a mad sort of project, 
the prospect of profit being somewhat disproportioned to the 
present outlay. He was, however, determined to carry his 




ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTE-. 233 



favorite scheme into effect, malgre the sneers of his friends. 
One day, as he was standing with bent brows, surveying the 
operations, very much like a man who knows he is wrong, 
but has, nevertheless, determined to go through with what 
he has taken in hand, an old, stupid woman came up, and, 
leaning over an enclosure, said to him, " But, dear me, Mr. 

S de, an ye tak in a' the land this gate, what ? s to become 

o' the pair muir-fowl? - J The sensitive proprietor answered, 
in a voice which admitted of no reply, " Let them turn 
paitricks, and be blowed to them ! " 



ANTIQUITY OF THE CAMPBELLS. 

An old woman of the name of Gordon, in the north of 
Scotland, was listening to the account given in Scripture of 
Solomon's glory, which was read to her by a little female 
grandchild. When the girl came to tell of the thousand 
camels, which formed part of the Jewish sovereign's live 
stock, " Eh, lassie,'' cried the old woman, "a thousand 
Campbells, say ye ) The Campbells (pronounced Cammils) 
are an auld clan, sure eneuch ; but look an ye dinna see the 
Gordons, too." 



SCHOOLBOY'S QUESTIONS. 

Three boys at school learning their catechism, the one 
askqd the other how far he had got ; to which he answered, 
i: I 'm at a state o : sin and misery.' 7 He then asked another 
what length he was; to which he replied, "I'm just at 
effectual calling." They were both anxious, of course, to 
learn how far he was himself; and, having asked him, he 
answered, " Past redemption." 
20* 



234 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

TIMBER TO TIMBER. 

At the placing of Mr. F-rl-ng, minister of the Chapel of 
Ease, Glasgow, of whose abilities Mr. Thorn entertained no 
great opinion, when they came to that part of the ceremony 
where the hands are imposed, the other members of the pres- 
bytery were making room for Mr. Thorn, that he might get 
forward his hand on the head of Mr. F-rl-ng likewise ; but 
Mr. Thorn, keeping at a^ distance, said, "Na, na, timmer to 
timmer will do weel enough/' 7 laying his staff on the head of 
the new divine. 



DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INTELLIGENCE AND IGNORANCE. 

Aristippus, the Athenian, being asked, what difference 
there was between a wise and an ignorant man, " Let them 
be sent," said he, " out of their own country, and you will 



EXCLUSION. 



An Athenian (as was customary with that people) had 
caused an inscription to be placed over the door of his house, 
" Let nothing enter here but what is good." Diogenes 
asked, " Then where will the master go in ? ''* 



SPIRITED ANSWER. 

The Emperor Charles V. asked Michael Angelo his opin- 
ion of Albert Dure, a celebrated painter. Angelo was bold 
enough to make him this answer : "I esteem him so much, 
that if I was not Michael Angelo, I had rather be Albert 
Dure than the Emperor Charles V." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 235 

PATENT MEDICINES. 

ramrod's tincture of gridiron, otherwise called nature's grand 
restorative. 

Doctor Simeon Ramrod, by a scrutinous and chemical 
analyzation of vegetable substances, has recently discovered 
that gridirons contain a subtle invigorating fluid, sympathet- 
ically allied to the nervous or magnetic fluid of the human 
body, which, being skilfully extracted and properly prepared, 
becomes a specific and infallible remedy for almost every com- 
plaint of mind and body to which human nature has been 
subject since the flood. It is found, also, to have a powerful 
effect upon the brute creation, and on various inanimate sub- 
stances ; to give relief against accidents, to be a wonderful 
quickener of the circulations, and to give renovated strength to 
all muscular exertions, from which it is found useful to per- 
sons travelling by sea or by land, and to those exposed to 
extraordinary dangers. To announce the instances in w^hich 
Ramrod's Tincture of Gridiron has proved beneficial, would 
be but to give a detail of all the diseases to which men, w r omen 
and children, are subject. The following are but a few, out 
of a thousand and upwards, of certificates which have been 
or may be procured, as a testimony of its efficacy, namely : 

"The subscriber had long been afflicted with the tooth- 
ache, to such a degree that nearly all his teeth had been 
drawn out, and by an unjust sentence he also unfortunately 
had both his ears cut off. On applying a little of the Tinc- 
ture of Gridiron to his head, his teeth were restored, and his 
head was instantly supplied w T ith as fine a pair of ears as he 
could boast of the day he was born. John Earwig." 

"Not long since, riding on the highway, my horse stum- 
bled and fell, and so lamed himself as to be unable to proceed. 



236 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

I heard of a phial of the Tincture of Gridiron in the neigh- 
borhood, and suddenly found myself at the end of my journey, 
without further trouble. Jona. Speedwell." 

" Having from my infancy had an uncommon relish for 
barbecues, I not long since attended one ; and, notwithstand- 
ing the splendid variety which a sumptuous table afforded, I 
was unable to eat a mouthful. I took a spoonful of the Tinc- 
ture of Gridiron, and felt as perfectly satisfied as if I had 
eaten all on the table. S. Gormandizer." 

" Some time ago my house was very much infested with 
rats ; and one day, as I sat brooding over my misfortunes, a 
large number of them suddenly came upon me and ate me up. 
I instantly took some of the Tincture of Gridiron, and found 
myself at ease, and have never been eaten since. 

Jack Recover." 

"I was, not long since, subject to extreme fatigue from 
dancing and other exercise. I took a small quantity of the 
Tincture of Gridiron, and have been dancing ever since, with- 
out the least inconvenience. Sam Rigadoon." 

" Riding out the other day, I accidentally fell into a ditch, 
and broke my legs, my arms and neck. On taking a little 
of the Tincture of Gridiron, I instantly recovered, and have 
never been near a ditch since, nor felt a desire to approach 
one. Tom Tumble." 

" Walking, not long since, near the machinery of a mill, I 
was caught and carried between two cog-wheels, and every 
bone in my body broken to pieces. A phial of Ramrod's 
Tincture of Gridiron being thrown into the mill-pond, I found 
myself restored, and as whole and sound as a roach. 

Dick Whirligig. " 

Note. — Gridirons taken in their natural state, and par- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 237 

ticularly taken whole, are, by skilful chemists, deemed ex- 
tremely dangerous ; but the recent discovery of a mode of 
preparing the tincture from them, places them in the first 
rank of valuable plants. 

33= Beware of Counterfeits ! Each bottle is stopped 
with a gimlet, and sealed with juniper-berries, and labelled 
" Ramrod's Tincture of Gridiron." To be sold {only) by 
the subscriber, in Frying-pan Alley, at the sign of the Tea- 
kettle, who always subscribes his own name. 

S. RAMROD. 



PAINTING. 



Timanthes, an Athenian painter, made use of a very inge- 
nious device for representing the prodigious size of a sleeping 
giant. He represented a satyr measuring the thumb of the 
giant with a thyrse. 



BON MOT OF JAMES I. OE SCOTLAND. 

When this prince was at Dunfermline, the monks of the 
abbey showed him the tomb of his ancestor, David I., who is 
noted in Scottish history for his benefactions to the church. 
On its being remarked to the living king that the dead one 
had been a perfect saint, "Ay," said he, "he was ane sair 
sanct for the crown." 



apelles. 



A painter boasted to Apelles of his being able to paint 
very fast. This great artist merely answered, "It is visible 
in your works." 



238 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

VIGEE. 

Vigee, taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when 
he was working at the mouth she was twisting her features, 
in order to render it smaller, and put her lips into the most 
violent contraction. Impatient at such designing artifice, he 
at length said to her, " Don't hurt yourself, madam, in try- 
ing to make your mouth smaller, because, if you choose, I 
will make none at all." 



ABSENCE OF MIND. 



Mr. Imlach, late minister of the Muirhouse, near Dundee, 
was remarkable for his absence of mind. In his prayer one 
day he said, " Lord, bless all ranks and degrees of persons, 
from the king on the dunghill to the beggar on the throne." 
Then, recollecting himself, he added, "I mean from the beg- 
gar on the throne to the king on the dunghill ! " 



EXPLOITS OF AN ARMY OF FIDDLERS. 

Ranulph sought a retreat from the attacks of the Welsh 
in the Castle of Rheddlan, which underwent a violent siege for 
some time ; till Roger Lacy, Constable of Chester, collected a 
formidable band of fiddlers and other motley minstrels, who 
had assembled together at a fair at Chester, founded by Hugh 
Lupus, one leading privilege of which was the protection of 
rogues, thieves and vagabonds of every denomination, during 
its continuance, from restraint of punishment. With this 
regiment of resiners did Roger march into Wales, where, 
strange to tell, they played so good a tune, that it in a short 
time closed with the raising of the siege ; for which service 
Ranulph rewarded Lacy with full power over all the scrapers 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 239 

of catgut in the county ; a privilege which his son transferred 
to the family of the Duttons, in Cheshire ; and it is within 
the recollection of many persons now living, that the anniver- 
sary of this whimsical solemnity was regularly celebrated, on 
the festival of St. John the Baptist, by a procession of the 
minstrels to the church of their tutelar saint in Chester, to 
the no small amusement of the spectators. 



NEW ENGLAND CURIOSITY REBUKED. 

Doctor Franklin, in the early part of his life, as trav- 
elling from Philadelphia to Boston, was accosted at an inn 
where he stopped with the usual questions of, Whence came 
you? What is your name? Where are you going? and 
Of what profession? with many other equally impertinent 
inquiries. The doctor sat obstinately silent till supper was 
ended, when he desired the host to assemble his wife, children 
and servants. They were accordingly introduced with much 
solemnity, and the doctor, rising from his seat, thus addressed 
them, with singular gravity : " My good friends, I have sent 
for you all, to give an account of myself. My name is Ben- 
jamin Franklin ; I am a printer, of Philadelphia, aged about 
years, and am going on business to Boston." 



PLEASANT PROSPECT. 



An elderly lady, intending to purchase the upper flat of a 
house in Prince' s-street, opposite the West Church Burying- 
ground, from which the chain of Pentland Hills forms a beau- 
tiful back-ground, after being made acquainted with all its 
conveniences and the beauty of its situation, elegantly enumer- 
ated by the builder, he requested her to cast her eye on the 



240 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

romantic hills at a distance, on the other side of the church- 
yard. The lady admitted that "she had certainly a most 
pleasant prospect beyond the grave" 



AN APPLE-WOMAN PUZZLED. 

A few days since, a pleasant-looking, middle-aged man, 
with iron-gray hair, stopped at an apple- woman's stand on 
Chestnut-street, and, buying one of her finest pippins, he cut 
it in two, when, much to the woman's astonishment, a five- 
dollar gold piece rolled out from the core. " Why," said he ; 
" these are golden pippins you sell! shall I have another at 
the same price?" She was so astonished at the occurrence 
as to be unable to reply ; and the buyer, taking silence for 
consent, cut another, when a golden seed, of still greater 
value, dropped from it. Recovering from her surprise, she 
refused to sell any more to him, and forthwith commenced 
cutting her apples upon her own account, without finding 
what she expected. The purchaser was, after some haggling 
about the price, suffered to pay for another apple, and the 
woman was again surprised by a golden eagle being found 
within it. A crowd had by this time gathered, who, recog- 
nizing Blitz in the purchaser, enjoyed the amazement of the 
woman. She was about to cut another pippin, when Blitz 
offered to show her how to accomplish the feat. Lending her 
his own knife, he used a little magic powder, and, on cutting 
the apple, she found her labors rewarded with a quarter-eagle. 
This Blitz allowed her to keep, in return for his joke. 



Some hearts, like evening primroses, open most beautifully 
in the shadows of life. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 241 

SINGULAR CASE OF INSTINCT IN A HORSE. 

We do not remember ever to have heard of a more remark- 
able exhibition of equine intelligence than was communicated 
to us a few days since, by Mr. Allen, of St. Anthony's. The 
circumstances, as they were narrated to us. are as follows : 

Mr. A. has had for a considerable time a span of sprightly 
little horses that he has never separated. In the stable, in 
the field, in the harness, they have always been together. 
This has caused a strong attachment to grow up between 
them. A few days ago, he went with them out to Lake Min- 
netouka. on a fishing excursion. Taking them out of the 
carriage, he led them down to the lake, and tied them with 
stout ropes, several rods apart, on a strip of grass that grew 
upon the shore, and left them to feed. Returning to the 
shanty, he threw himself upon the floor to await the return 
of the party who had repaired to the lake to fish. Not much 
time had elapsed before the sound of an approaching horse's 
feet attracted his attention, and a moment after one of his 
span appeared at the door. The animal put his head in, and, 
giving one neigh, turned at a slow gallop, yet under evident 
excitement, and returned to the spot where but a few minutes 
before he and his companion had been seemingly fastened. 
Surprised to find his horse loose, and struck with his singular 
conduct, Mr. A. immediately followed, and found the other 
lying in the water, entangled in the rope, and struggling to 
keep his head from being submerged. While Mr. A. pro- 
ceeded to disengage the unfortunate horse, his noble benefac- 
tor stood by, manifesting the utmost solicitude and sympathy; 
and when his mate was extricated from his perilous situation, 
and again upon his feet on terra firma, the generous creature 
exhibited the most unquestionable signs of satisfaction and joy. 
That this intelligent animal should have noticed the misfor- 
21 



242 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

tune of his mate, — that he should know where to apply for 
rescue, and in his efforts should sunder a three-fourths-inch 
rope, and, finally, that he should exhibit so high an apprecia- 
tion of the event, — are circumstances to astonish us, and com- 
mend themselves to the thoughtful consideration of those who 
would limit the power of reasoning to the " genus homo." 



It is possible to be so neighborly as to be no neighbor. 

Economy may be carried to such excess that it is more 
properly termed extravagance. 

Thoughts unuttered are your own ; thoughts uttered are 
the world's. Remember this, and be governed accordingly. 

It is better to sow a young heart with generous thoughts 
and deeds than a field with corn, since the heart's harvest is 
perpetual. 

Kossuth, in his speech to the General Assembly of Ohio, 
said, " The spirit of our age is democracy; all for the people, 
and all by the people." 

It is more honorable to the head, as well as to the heart, 
to be misled in our eagerness in the pursuit of truth, than to 
be safe from blundering by contempt of it. — S. T. Coleridge. 



PROFESSIONAL BLINDNESS. 

Sir Joshua Reynolds originally studied under Hudson, 
an English portrait-painter, who bestowed very liberally on 
his customers fair tie-wigs, blue velvet coats, and white satin 
waistcoats. He afterwards went to Italy, where he studied 
three years. On his return, he hired a large house in New- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 243 

port-street ; and the first specimen he gave of his abilities 
was a boy's head in a turban, richly painted in the style of 
Rembrandt, which so attracted Hudson's attention that he 
called every day to see it in its progress, and perceiving, at 
last, no trace of his own manner left, he exclaimed, " Really, 
Reynolds, you don't paint so well as when you left England." 



COUNSELLOR DUNNING. 

Counsellor Dunning was cross-examining an old woman, 
who was an evidence in a case of assault, respecting the iden- 
tity of the defendant. "Was he a tall man?" says he. 
" Not very tall; much about the size of your honor." "Was 
he well-looked?" "'Not very; much like jour honor." 
"Did he squint?" "'A little; but not so much as your 
honor." 



During the retreat of the British troops in Holland, while 
they were floundering through the mud in a part of the road 
uncommonly bad, a corps of the guards were much scattered, 
when the commanding officer called out to the men to form 
two deep. "Blast me ! " shouts a grenadier from between 
two mountains of mud, "I am too deep already; I am up 
to the neck." 



A lady at sea, full of delicate apprehensions in a gale of 
wind, cried out, among other pretty exclamations, "'We shall 
all go to the bottom; mercy on us ! how my head swims ! " 
"Zounds, madam, never fear," said one of the sailors; "you 
can never go to the bottom while your head swims." 



244 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

VERY LIKE YOUR MEAT. 

Hugo Arnot, author of the History of Edinburgh, &c, 
was a perfect walking skeleton. One day he was eating a 
split dried haddock, — or, as it is called in Scotland, a spel- 
dring, — when Harry Erskine came in. "You see," said 
Hugo, "I am not starving." "I must own," replied the 
other, " that you are very like your meat." 



FACE OF BRASS. 



The house of Mr. Dundas, once Lord President of the 
Court of Sessions in Scotland, and the elder brother of Mr. 
Secretary Dundas, having, after his death, been converted 
into a smith's shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the 
following impromptu : 

" This house a lawyer once enjoyed, 
A smith does now possess ; 
How naturally the iron age 
Succeeds the age of brass ! " 



REVERSIONARY PAYMENTS. 

A Roman prince complained to C. Maratti, the celebrated 
painter, of the dearness of his pictures. He answered that 
the famous artists, his predecessors, having been very ill 
paid, the whole world were indebted to them a very large 
sum, and that he was come to receive their arrears. 



When it was told to the late Rev. Sydney Smith that it 
was intended to pave St. Paul's church-yard with blocks, his 
answer was, that he thought there would be no difficulty in 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 245 

the matter, if the Dean and Chapter would pat their 
heads together. 

TIT FOR TAT. 

A physician's business rendered it necessary for him to 
dine several days at a public house with several of his 
brother chips. On calling for his bill, he found a certain sum 
charged each day for wine. The doctor made objections to the 
charge, and said that he had not made use of wine. "The 
wine," said the landlord 3 "was on the sideboard; you might 
have helped yourself. 7 ' Some time after, the landlord called 
at the doctor's house, and desired that he would call and pre- 
scribe for one of his children. On adjusting their mutual 
accounts, the landlord found a charge for medicine exactly 
equal to his charge for wine. "How is this, doctor? I 
have had no medicine." "It was on the shelf," said the 
doctor ; " you might have helped yourself." 



TAKE AWAY THE FOWLS. 

A certain reverend gentleman of the city of Edinburgh 
dining with a friend, the lady of the house desiring the ser- 
vant to take away the dish containing the fovjls, which she 
pronounced fools (as is sometimes done in Scotland), " I 

presume, madam, you mean fowls" said Mr. R , very 

pompously. "Very well, be it so," said the lady; "take 
away the foiv Is, but let the fool remain ! " 



A manufacturer of tomb-stones, in a flourishing town 
in Illinois, lately received a call from a countryman who 
wanted a stone to place over the grave of his mother. After 
21* 



246 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

looking around for some time, and making sundry remarks 
about the taste of his deceased mother, he finally pitched 
upon one which the stone-cutter had prepared for another 
person. " I like this one," said he. " But," said the man- 
ufacturer, "that belongs to another man. and has Mrs. Per- 
ry's name cut on it : it wouldn't do for your mother.'' i; 0, 
yes, it would," said the countryman ; " she could n't read; 
and, besides," he continued, as he observed the wonderment 
of the stone-cutter, -'Perry was always a favorite name of 
hers, anyhow ! " 

" This ere hanimal, my little dears," observed the keeper 
of a menagerie to a school, "is a leopard. His complexion 
is yaller, and agreeably diversified with black spots ! It vos 
a vulgar herror of the hancients that the critter vos hincapable 
of changing his spots, vich was deproved in modern times by 
obserwin' that he wery often slept in one spot, and next night 
changed to another." £ 'But I say, Mr. Showman," screamed 
little Johnny, "'the leopard a'nt yellow at all; the Bible 
says he 's white." " Vere is the text,"' inquired the show- 
man; u in the Apothecary, or the song of Susannah?" 
"It's where it says that Gehazi went forth a leper white as 



snow 



! » 



A story is told of a traveller in Vienna, who was not a 
little startled at seeing the Danube water-mark on the upper 
story of a house far above his head. To have reached that 
height the river must have overflowed the entire city, and 
drowned out the people. He ventured to inquire. " 0. no," 
he was told, '-the river never rose to there; but when the 
memorial was below, the children used to deface it, and the 
mark had been accordingly removed beyond their reach." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 247 

The absurdity of the thing was entirely incomprehensible to 
the Austrian intellect. 



A lady passing through New Hampshire observed the 
following notice on a board : ' { Horses taken in to grass. Long 
tails, three shillings and sixpence; short tails, two shillings.'' 
The lady asked the owner of the land the reason for the dif- 
ference of price. "Why, you see, ma'am," was the reply, 
"the long tails can brush away the flies, but the short tails 
are so tormented by them that they can hardly eat at all." 



The following delightful picture is from the Minesota 
Pioneer: "You can see people in our streets down from 
the regions of the north, where they have mosquitos ' as is 
mosquitos,' with veils, which they wear around their hats, 
fastened around the crown with a band. These they pull 
down over their faces towards night, when the mosquitos 
thicken the air too much for respiration.' 



?? 



Mrs. Harris says it is not as much trouble for a " nuss " 
to take care of sick people as some folks imagine. The most 
of 'em don't want anything now-a-days, and when they do 
they don't get it. 



A^printer by the name of Fleet was blessed with a fam- 
ily of worthy good people, who were not all remarkable for 
the pleasantness of their countenances, on which account he 
would sometimes indulge himself in jokes which were rather 
coarse, at their expense. He once invited an intimate friend 



248 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

to dine with him on pouts , — a kind of fish of which the gen- 
tleman was remarkably fond. When dinner appeared, the 
guest remarked that the pouts were wanting. " 0, no," said 
Fleet, "only look at my wife and daughters." 



LAWYER AND WITNESS. 

Lately a lawyer, retained in a case of assault and battery, 
was cross-examining a witness in relation to the force of the 
blow struck. " What kind of a blow was given ? " asked the 
lawyer. "A blow of the common kind." " Describe the 
blow." " I am not good at description." " Show me what 
kind of a blow it was." " I cannot." "You must." "I 
w T on't." The lawyer appealed to the court. The court told 
the witness that if the counsel insisted upon his showing 
what kind of a blow it was, he must do so. " Do you insist 
upon it?" asked the witness. The counsel replied that he 
did. "Well, then, since you compel me to show, it was this 
kind of a blow," at the same time suiting the action to the 
word, and knocking the astonished disciple of Coke upon Lit- 
tleton over. 



JUST FEARS. 



The famous French engineer, Marshal Vauban, passing 
through a village, was suddenly attacked by an illness which 
required immediate bleeding. The surgeon of the place pre- 
sented himself for that purpose ; but the marshal, who was a 
little tinctured with the notion that a man's countenance 
generally indicates his ability, discovered some diffidence as to 
committing himself to the surgeon's hands, who asked him if 
he was afraid of bleeding. "No," answered the marshal, "but 
I '11 frankly acknowledge that I 'm afraid of the bleeder." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 249 

EXTRAORDINARY EFFECTS OF FEAR. 

In the time of the American war, while the army was 
encamped at West Point, a party of soldiers discovered an 
eagle's nest half way down the vast precipice of the rock ad- 
jacent to the fort. In order to get at the nest, one of the* 
soldiers was let down by a rope fastened round his middle 
and made sure above, with two or three men to guide the 
rope, and draw him up when he had executed his design. 
When he had descended near the nest, the eagle came upon 
him with hideous screams, aiming at his head. In this 
dilemma, he had no way to defend himself but by taking out 
his knife, with which he kept her off by striking at her every 
time she came at him. In one of the passes he made at her, 
he had the misfortune to strike the rope and cut off two of 
the strands, and the other began to untwist, while his com- 
panions above drew him up as soon as possible. In this situ- 
ation, he expected the rope every moment to part, when he 
must have fallen from the tremendous height, and been dashed 
to pieces among the rocks ; but when almost every prospect 
of life had ceased, he was drawn up to the top of the rock, 
when the remaining strand of the rope was nearly reduced to 
a wisp or two ! The effect of this sudden and extraordinary 
instance of fear upon this man was such that, in the course 
of twenty-four hours, the hair of his head, from a coal-black, 
was turned as white as the whitest wool ! The man was 
about twenty-five years of age. 



A French surgeon (Portal) has written a paper to prove 
that cutting off the great toe is a specific against the falling 
sickness. In the astonishing progress of science, it may in 
time be discovered that a man ca* stand better upon one leg 
than upon two. 



250 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

MK. C— K, LORD E— N. 

This eccentric senator, so remarkable for his naive expres- 
sions, being reminded of a remark which he had formerly 
made upon a picture, but which he himself had forgotten, 
inquired, " Did I say that ? " " Yes." " Then, if I said 
that," quoth the self-gratified wit, "it was deevilish gude." 

One day, as he was limping down the High street of 
Edinburgh, from the Court of Session, he overheard a young 
lady saying to her companion, rather loudly, " That's Mr. 
C — k, the lame law T yer." Upon which he turned round, and, 
with his usual face of expression, said, " No, madam ; I am 
a lame man, but not a lame lawyer." 



One passing by a fellow that was deformed, began, in 
derision, to praise his arms, legs, face, and other parts of his 
body ; which the fellow perceiving, and knowing himself 
abused, said that he had one property more, which the other 
had not taken notice of; and, being demanded what it was, 
looking over his shoulder upon the other, said, " This is 
my property : I have a wall-eye in my head, with which I 
never look over my shoulder, but I behold a fool." 



Some years since, a sober, zealous Connecticut parson went 
to catechize a family in his parish, who w r ere not so well 
versed in the rudiments of divinity as many are. When 
arrived, he thought proper to begin with Lois, the eldest 
daughter, a girl about eighteen, and buxom as May, w T hose 
charms had smitten the young village swains with an epi- 
demic. "Well, Lois," said the parson, "I shall begin with 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 251 

you : come, tell me who died for you/' Lois, with a charm- 
ing flush in her cheek, replied, "Why, nobody, as I know 
on." The parson, rather surprised at her answer, repeated his 
question, with increasing zeal. Lois, rather irritated at the 
inquisitive parson, again replied, '-'Why, nobody, sir; there 
was Tom Dawson lay bed-rid for me about six months, but 
folks say he has got about again." 



Dr. Johnson was iit company with a Scotchman, who was 
extolling the beauties of the prospect from the Castle Hill, 
Edinburgh. "Sir," replied he, "the noblest prospect that 
a Scotchman ever sees is the high road to London." 



A musical gentleman, while performing, was arrested by 
two bailiffs, who requested him to join them in a trio. "I 
should rather imagine," said the unfortunate gentleman, "you 
wish for a catch" 



Mr. Addison once bet that he could make the worst pun 
that had ever been heard, and succeeded admirably by going 
up to a man who was carrying a hare in his hand. " Pray," 
cried he to the man, " is that your own hare, or a wig ? " 



During the American war, an Irishman in the American 
service, having come by surprise on a small party of Hes- 
sians, who were foraging, seized their arms, which they had 
laid aside. He then presented his musket, and with threats 
drove them before him into the American camp, where the 



252 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

singularity of the exploit occasioning some wonder, he was 
brought, with his prisoners, before General Washington, who 
asked him how he had taken them. " Why, general," said 
he, "I surrounded them." 



The manager of a company of tragedians at Versailles, 
being advised to form a corps of the pages of the king, 
queen, and princes, answered, sulkily, " Do you think I want 
to make a book? ,J • 



A vine bears three kinds of grapes, said Anacharsis; 
the first of pleasure, the second of drunkenness, the third of 
repentance. 

A scholar, being so fuddled that he could not unlock his 
door, complained that somebody had stolen his key-hole. 



A TRUE JOE MILLER. 

In the time of Joe Miller, there was an old deaf player of 
the name of Cross, who, being very vain, took every pains to 
conceal his infirmity. Joe, walking along Fleet-street with 
a friend, saw Cross on the opposite side, and told his acquaint- 
ance he should see some fine sport. So, beckoning to Cross 
with his finger, he opened his mouth wide, and began to 
assume the attitude and gestures of one who bawls very loud 
to a distant object. Cross, thinking that Miller had hallooed 
to him, and taking that as too broad a signification of his 
infirmity, pame puffing across the street as hard as he could. 
" What the devil,' 7 cried he to Joe, u do you make such a 
noise for ? do you think one cannot hear ? " 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 253 

FRIDE OF ANCESTRY. 

An anecdote is told of Mr. Roger of Werndee, in Mon- 
mouthshire, which exhibits the pride of ancestry in a striking 
point of view. His house was in such a state of dilapidation 
that the proprietor was in danger of perishing under the ruins 
of the ancient mansion, which he venerated even in decay. A 
stranger, whom he accidentally met at the foot of the Skyrrid, 
made various inquiries respecting the country, the prospects, 
and the neighboring houses ; and, among others, asked, 
'•Whose is this antique mansion before us 1 " "That 3 sir. 
is Werndee, a very ancient house ; for out of it came the 
Earls of Pembroke of the first line, and the Earls of 'Pem- 
broke of the second line ; the Lords Herbert of Cherbury, 
the Herberts of Coldbrook, Ramsey, Cardiff, and York ; the 
Morgans of Acton ; the Earl of Hunsdon ; the houses of 
Ircowm and Lanarth, and all the Powells. Out of this house, 
also, by the female line, came the Duke of Beaufort." "And 
pray, sir, who lives there now 1" " I do, sir. 7 ' " Then par- 
don me, and accept a piece of advice ; come out of it yourself, 
or you will soon be buried in the ruins of it." 



Some thieves met a man, robbed him, and bound him in a 
wood. Just after, they met another, bound him also, and 
laid him on the other side of the hedge ; when one of them 
cried, " I am undone ! I am undone ! " The other, hearing 
him, begged most heartily that he would come and undo him 
too. 



A remarkably hard drinker, who was expiring, begged 
one of his friends to bring him a goblet of water, telling him, 
"On our death-beds we must be reconciled to our enemies." 
22 



254 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

IMPROVEMENT ON THE FRILL. 

George Selywn one day dining at the Duke of Rich- 
mond's, a French marquis was declaiming on the ingenuity 
of his countrymen, "who," he said, " were de grande artistes 
for de modes and de fashions, pour tout le nionde. For in- 
stance," said he, " look at de roffel {ruffle), dat fine ornament 
for de hand and for de breast. De Frenchman invent it, and 
all de oder nations in Europe quickly adopt de same plan." 
"True," replied Mr. Selwyn, "we allow that your country- 
men have great merit in invention ; but you must at the same 
time admit that, though the English are not an inventive, 
they are at least an improving, people. For example, to the 
very articles which you mention they have made a very im- 
portant and useful addition." " Les Anglois, Mistare Sel- 
vin," returned the Frenchman, stroking and pulling down the 
ruffles on his breast and hands, "'are, sans doute, ver clevar 
men; rnaisje ne connais pas quelle improvement dey could 
make to de roffel ; que ce la Monsieur ? " " Why, by add- 
ing a shirt to it," replied Selwyn. 



PETER THE GREAT. 
A Russian officer, named Valensky, who had a command 
in the Persian expedition, had once been beaten by the Empe- 
ror Peter's order, mistaking him for another. " Well," said 
Peter, " I am sorry for it, but you will deserve it one day or 
other, and then remind me that you are in arrears with me ; " 
which accordingly happened upon that very expedition, and 
he was excused. 



A countess coming into the dressing-room of her daugh- 
ter, a young lady about fourteen, whilst she was at her toilet, 
and observing her very busy in setting her person off to the 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 255 

best advantage, herself being in full dress and richly adorned 
with jewels, asked the girl what she would give to be as fine 
as her mamma. To which miss replied, " Not quite so much 
as jour ladyship would give to be as young as I am:'' 



THE RIGHT HAND. 



Marshal Cassion rose very early, after the battle of 
Rocroi. '-Because,'' said he to the Prince of Conde, "we 
have a great day's work to perform." The prince, who es- 
teemed him, without loving him, called him " his right hand." 
" Yes," answered the marshal, "it is the hand furthest from 
the heart." 

THEATRICAL CUSTOM. 

La Fontaine, being in company with Moliere and Des- 
preaux, was condemning the custom of the conversations aside 
in dramatic pieces. " Nothing," said he, " is more contrary 
to good sense. What ! the pit is to hear what the actor does 
not hear, though he stands close to the speaker." La Fon- 
taine grew warm in declaiming against this usage. In the 
mean time, Despreaux said loud, "'La Fontaine must be a 
great rascal." The poet continued his subject of complaint. 
They began to laugh ; he asked them why they laughed. 
Despreaux answered him, "The reason is this : I have been 
abusing you quite loud, and you have not heard me, yet are 
so close to me that you touch me ; and you are surprised that 
an a^tor on the stage does not hear an aside which another 
performer says by his side." 



Alphonsus, King of Naples, had in his court a fool, who 
used to write down in a book all the follies of the great men 



256 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

in his time that were at court. The king one day, having a 
Moor in his household, sent him to the Levant to buy horses, 
with ten thousand ducats. This the fool marked in his book, 
esteeming it a pure piece of folly. Some time after, the king, 
as he used to do when he had a mind to be merry, called for 
the book, and found at last his own name, with the story of 
the ten thousand ducats. The king, being somewhat moved, 
asked the reason why his name was there. " Because," says 
the jester, "you have committed a piece of folly, to give 
your money to one you are never like to see again." " But 
if he does come again," says the king, "and brings me the 
horses, what folly is that in me?" "Why, if ever he does 
come again," replies the fool, " I '11 blot out your name, and 
put in his." 

THE UP-COUNTRYMAN'S MISTAKE. 

An up-countryman, having business with a friend in the 
State of Georgia, had to ride about a mile on the beach in 
going up to the house where a great number of fiddlers had 
mustered. As soon as the countryman's horse entered the 
beach, he was no less surprised than his master at seeing such 
a large assembly of uncommonly polite little animals. After 
he had arrived at his friend's some time, he complained of a 
most violent pain in his back. His friend asked him how he 
came by it. He said he did not know, without it was owing 
to his continual bowing to those little animals he saw on the 
beach ; for they were on every side, looking at him, and a 
bowing, — "How do you do? how do you do?" "'I thought 
to myself," said the countryman, "you shan't have more man- 
ners than I have got : and so they kept both myself and horse 
a bowing, first one side and then the other, — 'How do you do, 
sirs? how do you do, sirs?' until we passed them all. This 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 257 

must have been the cause of the pain in my back/' The gen- 
tleman burst into a loud laugh, saying the little animals that 
he saw were a kind of sand-crab, that were accustomed, at 
the rising and going down of the tide, to assemble, in their 
manner of actions, to rejoice and sport. " Tarnation seize 
the little things/ 7 said the countryman, " for making me such 
a fool ! M 

NOT OUR LAWFUL SOVEREIGN. 

An English regiment, stationed at Peterhead, not long 
after the Rebellion of 17-45, received such polite attentions 
from the inhabitants, that the colonel determined, by way of 
expressing his gratitude, to invite the principal inhabitants to 
dinner. Among those selected for invitation was Bishop 
Dunbar: but some one. on being told so by the colonel, 
remarked that that person was only a Scotch bishop, and 
perhaps unworthy of the honor he designed to confer upon 
him. "Oj never mind that,' 7 cried the Englishman ; £ 'my 
father was a bishop, and I respect the title, by whatever 
countryman it may be borne.'' Not satisfied with this, he 
called upon the bishop in person, and requested, in very re- 
spectful terms, the honor of his company. The bishop, who 
was a man of very modest and retired mode of life, desired to 
be excused, on the plea of his age and infirmities : and also 
represented to the colonel that, as his principles forbade him 
to join in certain public toasts, it would perhaps be just as 
agreeable to all parties that j^e should not attend. The 
colonel would by no means listen to any excuses ; and, at 
last, succeeded in obtaining the old man's consent, though not 
before he had promised that no toast should be given at all 
calculated to offend the feelings of the guest. At dinner 
everything proceeded well ; but, on * : The King" being given, 



258 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

after the withdrawal of the cloth, and the bishop drinking it 
W 7 ith the preliminary addition of the word " rightful," a cor- 
net swore a violent oath, and exclaimed, "That is not King 
George, sir." " I take you all to witness," said the old cler- 
gyman, placidly, but with triumph beaming in his eye, " this 
young gentleman says King George is not our rightful sover- 
eign ! " This good thing was hailed by a burst of laughter, 
at the cornet's expense. 



A gentleman amusing himself in the gallery of the 
Palais, a place in Paris somewhat as our Exchanges for- 
merly were, observed, while he was carelessly looking over 
some pamphlets, a suspicious fellow stood rather too near him. 
The gentleman was dressed according to the fashion of the 
times, in a coat with a prodigious number of silver tags and 
tassels, upon which the thief began to have a design ; and the 
gentleman, not willing to disappoint him, turned his head 
another way, to give him an opportunity. The thief imme- 
diately set to work, and in a trice twisted off seven or eight 
of the silver tags. The gentleman perceived it, and, draw- 
ing out a penknife, caught the fellow by the ear, and cut it 
off close to his head. " Murder ! murder ! " cries the thief. 
"Robbery ! robbery ! " cries the gentleman. Upon this the 
thief, in a passion, throwing them at the gentleman, roared, 
"There are your tags and buttons! u "Very well," says 
the gentleman (throwing it back in like manner), " there is 
your ear!" * 



One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told 
him he was his kinsman. Says he, " No hog can be bacon 
till it is hanged, and then I '11 allow you to be my kinsman." 



OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTE*. 259 

MRS. PARTINGTON OX TRAINING 

"Moral training," said Mrs. Partington, "is the best, 
arter all." She had heard some one in the omnibus speaking 
of moral training, and her benevolence gave it into the charge 
of memory until she got home : and memory revolved it, and 
pondered it. and reviewed it. and fancy construed it to mean 
something about the military training that was to come off the 
next day. '' I hope it will be a moral training, I 7 m sure,' 7 
said she: ■'•'for I see that the gov 7 nor is to be there in his 
new suit, and I hope they '11 make their revolutions well 
before him. I do admire the milintery, where the sogers in 
their fancy unicorns look just like a patchwork quilt. They 
wasn't moral trainings in old times, when men put 'enemies 
into their heads to steal away their hats, 7 as Mr. Smooth, the 
schoolmaster, used to say. Your Uncle Paul had a good deal 
of milintery sperret. sometimes, Isaac.' 7 Ike had remained 
very quiet while she was speaking. "What upon airth are 
you doing there. Isaac ]" cried she. The young gentleman. 
readily told her he was painting a horse, at the same time dis- 
playing an animal nominally of that description, done beauti- 
fully in blue, which he appeared to look on with much satis- 
•• But what are you painting it with 1 — As true as 
I'm living, you've got your Uncle Paul's tompion that he 
used to wear in his cap so long ago, and you 're using up all 
my bluing! 7 * That pompion. saved for so many years, to 
be used for such a purpose ! Ah, Ike, Ike ! 



Max once asked the eagle. "Why dost thou bring up thy 
young so high in the air ?" The eagle replied, "Would they 
when grown up venture so near the sun, if I brought them 
up low down on the earth 



260 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

BUCKINGHAM AND SIR ROBERT YINER. 

The second Duke of Buckingham, talking to Sir Robert 
Viner in a melancholy humor about his personal extrava- 
gance, U I am afraid, Sir Robert," he said, "I shall die a 
beggar, at last, — the most terrible thing in the world." 
"Upon my word, my lord, 5 ' answered the mayor, "'there is 
another thing more terrible which you have reason to appre- 
hend : and that is, that you will live a beg gar ', at the rate 
you go on." 



PROPHECY FULFILLED. 

One coming into a cathedral where the choir consisted of 
very bad voices said that the prophecy of Amos was fulfilled, 
— "And the songs of the temple shall be bowlings." 



ROYAL FAULTS. 



The famous "Whiston was a pensioner to Queen Caroline, 
who sometimes admitted him to the honor of her conversation, 
and paid the pension with her own hands. One day she said 
to him, " Mr. Whiston, I understand you are a free speaker, 
and honestly tell people of their faults : no one is without 
faults, and I wish you would tell me of mine;" and she 
pressed him to do so. He was still upon the reserve, and she 
pressed him the more. "Well," said he, " since your 
majesty insists upon it, I must obey you. There are abun- 
dance of people who come out of the country every spring to 
London upon business, and they all naturally desire to see 
the king and queen, and have not any opportunity of seeing 
your majesty so conveniently as at the Chapel Royal: but 
these country folks, who are not used to such things, when 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 2G1 

they see your majesty talking with the king almost all the 
time of divine service, are perfectly astonished, and depart 
with strange impressions into their respective counties, and 
make their reports there, let me tell you, not at all to your 
majesty's honor." "I am sorry for it," answered the queen; 
" I believe there may be too much truth in what you say; 
but pray, Mr. Whiston, tell me of another fault." "No, 
madam," said he ; "let me see you mend this, before I tell 
you of another." 



LORD THURLOW AND THE DISSENTERS. 

The dissenters waited upon Lord Thurlow, by appointment, 
to request his vote for the repeal of the test act. After he 
had heard their sentiments, in a long harangue, with more 
than his ordinary patience, when the speech w r as concluded he 
thus addressed them: " Gentlemen, you have requested me 
to vote for the repeal of the test act. I shall not vote for it. 
I do not care whether your religion or mine has the ascend- 
ency, or whether any religion or none ; but, as I know when 
you were uppermost you kept us down, so now that we are 
uppermost we w T ill, by the help of God, keep you where you 



MAKING FREE. 



Some time ago a member of Parliament applied to the 
post-office to know why some of his franks had been charged. 
The answer was, " We supposed, sir, they were not of your 
writing; the hand is not the same." "Why, not precisely 
the same ; but, the truth is, I happened to be a little tipsy 
when I wrote them." "Then, sir, will you be so good, in 
future, as to write •' drank ' when you make free" 



262 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

« 

Some Frenchmen who had landed on the coast of Guinea 
were carried before a negro prince. He was seated under a 
tree ; his throne was a large block of wood, and his guard con- 
sisted of three or four negroes armed with wooden pikes. 
This ridiculous monarch asked, " Do they talk much of me in 
France?" 



A VERY COMMON CASE IN LETTER-WRITING. 

In a collection of posthumous letters, lately published, is 
the following very natural, very just, and very generally 
appropriate reflection: "It is now six months since I have 
written you ; but do not place all that time to the account of 
my negligence. This is the calculation I propose : impute to 
my idleness the first month only, — the other months lay to 
the account of the shame I had in omitting to write to you 
during the first." 

The crier employed by an auctioneer in Portsmouth, among 
other articles, cried white silk stockings, of all colors. 

A gentleman asked a shepherd " whether that river might 
be passed over or not." "Yes," says he, — but, upon try- 
ing, he flounced over head and ears. "Why, you rogue ! " 
says he, "did you not tell me it might be passed over?" 
" Indeed, sir," says he, "I thought so; for my geese go over 
and back again every day, and I did not doubt but you was 
as wise as a goose." 



IGNORANCE. 



A certain gentleman, in speaking of a book, said "he 
found it so bad he did not give himself the trouble to read it." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 263 

THE GOOD OF LEARNING. 

It is well known that those who are admitted doctors in the 
University of Montpelier wear the gown of Rabelais, which 
is put on with much ceremonious veneration. The cause of 
this custom is not so well known ; — it is, that Rabelais, by 
his wit, procured the revocation of a decree which abolished 
its privileges. The Chancellor Duprat being on this occasion 
inaccessible to any mediator, Rabelais hit on the following 
singular contrivance to obtain an audience. He addressed 
himself to the porter of M. Duprat, to whom he spoke in 
Latin ; the porter immediately sent for a man who spoke that 
language, — Rabelais spoke Greek to him; another, w r ho 
understood Greek, having appeared, he spoke Hebrew to him, 
and, it is added, several other languages. The capacity of 
Rabelais so astonished the assembly that they went, in a body, 
to inform the chancellor, who, charmed with the speech he 
made, and at the science he displayed, reestablished, on his 
account, all the privileges of the university. 



DUKE OF NORFOLK. 



The first Protestanf Duke of Norfolk, carrying the sword 
of state before James II. to his chapel, stopped at the door, 
and would go no further. The king said, "Tour father 
would have gone further,*' — to which the duke answered, 
:i Your father would not have gone so far." 



HUGH PETERS. 



Hugh Peters, the Puritan, preaching on the devil's enter- 
ing the swine, said, "My beloved, for conclusion I shall give 
three observations on the text ; which, for your better remem- 



264 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. • 

brance, I shall clothe in three English proverbs : — 1. The 
devil went from men into swine, — He had leather play at 
sm,all game than stand out. 2. When he possessed them, 
they ran down a bank into the sea, — They must needs go 
ivhom the devil drives. 3. They were all, no less than two 
thousand, drowned in the sea, — The devil brought his hogs 
to a fair ?narket" 



JUDGE JEFFRIES. 

When Jeffries was told that the Prince of Orange would 
very soon land, and it was reported that a manifesto, stating 
his inducements, objects, &c, was already written, "Pray, 
my Lord Chief- Justice," said a gentleman present, "what do 
you think will be the heads of this manifesto?" li Mine 
will be one^ replied he. 



MODEST REPLY. 

A lady asked the celebrated statesman and warrior, Prince 
Maurice of Nassau, who was the greatest general of his age. 
The modesty of this prince would not permit him to name 
himself; his ambition forbade him to yield the rank to any of 
his rivals; — he answered, "Madam, the Marquis of Spinola 
is the second." 



ACTING. 

Thomas Betterton, the celebrated English actor, w r as so 
exact in imitating nature, that the look of surprise he assumed 
in the character of Hamlet (when he personated the ghost) 
astonished Booth to such a degree that he was incapable of 
proceeding in his part for some moments. This anecdote is 
related by Booth, who observes that " Betterton was not an 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 265 

actor, but nature itself, — that he put on his part with his 
clothes, and was the very man or character he undertook to 
be, and nothing more." 



The mind may be overburdened ; like the body, it is 
strengthened more by the warmth of exercise than of clothes. 

Happy the land where the history of the past is the history 
of the people, and not a mere flattery to kings. — Kossuth. 

" Think wrong, and welcome," said Lessing ; " but think; " 
and that maxim is the plain corner-stone of greatness. 

Modest men conceal their joys as well as their sorrows, for 
they consider the one as undeserved as the other. — Jean 
Paul. 

There is high political wisdom in the custom yearly to 
revive the memory of civic virtue and national glory in the 
minds of the living generation. — Kossuth. 

The man who will not execute his resolutions when they 
are fresh upon him can have no hope from them afterwards ; 
they will be dissipated, lost, and perish in the hurry and 
skurry of the world, or sink in the slough of indolence. 



A peevish English moralist complains that the ladies of 
the present day have red bosoms, red cheeks, and red elbows, 
and, indeed, are well red in everything but in books. 



Winterbotham, the historian, in his description of the 
Chinese island Kiun Teheou Fou, says, " Among the birds 
are to be found starlings Avith a small crescent on their bills, 
and blackbirds of a deep blue color." 



266 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A MORAL. 

A clergyman riding across a bridge near where two men 
were fishing, overheard one of them swearing most dreadfully. 
He dismounted, tied his horse, and entered into conversation 
with the swearer, asking him many questions about his em- 
ployment, and at length what kind of bait he used. He 
answered, "Different kinds for different fish." " But cannot 
you catch fish without bait ? " " No," said he, staring at the 
minister; " they would be great fools to bite at the bare 
hook." " But," said the minister, " I know a fisherman who 
catches many fish without bait." "But who is he?" said 
the fisherman. "It is the devil; and he catches swearers 
without bait Other sinners want a bait, but the silly swearer 
will bite at the bare hook" 



A German writer says that Bonaparte was so ambitious, 
that he would have the Black Sea for a wash-basin, the Med- 
iterranean for a watering-place, the Baltic for a fish-pond, the 
Atlantic for a pleasure-yacht, and the Pacific Ocean for a 
horse-pond, when he is in a passion. 



A young Frenchman, son to a merchant in Paris, has 
lately published the memoirs of his life, which begin in the 
following curious manner : " I am the son of Pierre Bertrand 
and Co." 



A man named Stone exclaimed, in a bar-room, "'I have the 
hardest name in the company." "Done," said one ; "what 
is your name?" "Stone," cried the first. "Hand me 
the money," said he ; "my name is Harder." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 267 

QUEER RETALIATION. 

When Cibber once went to visit Booth, and knew that he 
was at home, a female domestic denied him. Cibber took no 
notice of this at the time ; but when, in a few days after- 
wards, Booth paid him a visit in return, he called out from 
the floor that he w T as not at home. " How can that be," 
answered Booth; "do I not hear your voice?" " To be 
sure you do," answered Cibber; " but what then ? I believed 
your servant-maid, and it is hard, indeed, if you won't believe 
me!" 



WIFE. 

A lady was asked to reveal the secret by which she had 
always preserved the attention and affection of her husband. 
"It is," answered she, "in doing everything that pleases 
him, and by bearing patiently everything that does not please 
me." 



GENEROSITY. 

A gentleman, who owed a considerable sum to the Duke 
of Soissons, waited on him to request he would cancel half 
the debt. " That half is no longer mine," said the duke to 
him, "after you have taken the trouble to ask for it; but, 
as you have left the other half at my disposal, will you allow 
me to give it to you? " 



" I cannot imagine," said Alderman H., "why my whis- 
kers should turn gray so much quicker than the hair on my 
head." " Because you have worked so much more with your 
jaws than with your brains," observed a wag. 



268 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

FORGIVENESS. 

The son of the Caliph Haroun al Raschid preferred a com- 
plaint of a man who had calumniated his mother. u 0, son ! " 
said the caliph, l c you are doing a greater wrong to yout 
mother than he has, for you will cause it to be believed that 
she did not teach you forgiveness." 



MEDICINE. 



About fifty years since, a very worthy man, and one 
whose word may be relied on, went to St. James' Palace, to 
visit one of the pages, w r hose apartment was two pair of stairs 
high. He drank tea there, took his leave, and, stepping back 
unadvisedly (on his friend's shutting the door after him), he 
half slipped and half tumbled down a whole flight of steps, 
and probably w T ith his head burst open a closet-door. We 
say probably, because the unlucky visitor was too completely 
stunned with the fall to know w T hat had happened. Certain 
it is that he found himself, on his recovery, sitting on the 
floor of a small room, and most kindly attended by a neat 
little old gentleman, who was carefully washing his head with 
a towel, and fitting, with infinite exactness, pieces of sticking- 
plaster to the variegated cuts which the accident had con- 
ferred on the abrupt visitor's unwigged pate. For some time 
his surprise kept him silent ; but, finding that the kind physi- 
cian had completed his task, and had even picked up his wig 
and replaced it on his battered head, he rose from the floor, 
and, limping towards his benefactor, was going to utter a pro- 
fusion of thanks for the succor he had received, and inquiries 
into the manner of his mishap. These were, however, in- 
stantly checked by an intelligent frown, and by a significant 
wave of the hand towards the door of the closet. The patient 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 209 

understood the hint, and retired, taking more care of his steps 
downwards for the remainder of the staircase, and wondering 
how so much humanity and so much unsociableness could 
dwell in the same breast. His wonder (which, like all other 
wonders, was connected with folly) ceased, w 7 hen he found, on 
describing to a friend the situation of the closet, that he had 
owed the kind assistance he had received to the first man in 
the kingdom, who, after having exercised the humanity of the 
fellow-creature, found too much of the monarch about him 
to support a familiar conversation with the person he had 
relieved. 



MORTIFICATION. 



DupuYj Bishop of Arras, invited one day to dinner two 
clergymen and three ladies. He remarked that, during the 
whole of the repast, the youngest of the two clergymen had 
his eyes steadfastly fixed on one of the ladies, who was very 
handsome. The bishop, after dinner, when the ladies retired, 
asked him what he thought of the beauty he had been looking 
at. The clergyman answered, " My lord, in looking at that 
lady, I was reflecting that her beautiful forehead will one 
day be covered with wrinkles ; that the coral on her lips will 
pass to her eyes, the vivacity of which will be extinguished ; 
that the ivory of her teeth will be changed to ebony ; that 
to the roses and lilies of her complexion the withered appear- 
ance of care will succeed ; that her fine soft skin will become 
a dry parchment : that her agreeable smiles will be converted 
into grimaces ; and that, at length, she will become the anti- 
dote of love.'' "I never should have supposed," said the 
bishop, " that the sight of a fine woman could have inspired 
a young man with such a profound meditation." 
23* 



270 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A beggar asked Moliere for alms ; lie gave him, through 
absence of mind or mistake, for a less valuable piece, a louis 
d'or. The poor fellow, on perceiving it, hobbled after him, 
and told him of it ; upon which Moliere returned it to him, 
with another louis d'or, as a reward for his honesty, exclaim- 
ing, " My God ! what a lodging Virtue has taken up with 
there ! " 



PUN UPON PUN. 

Strange, Moore and Wright, three notorious punsters, 
were, on a certain occasion, dining .together, when Moore 
observed, "There is but one knave among us, and that ? s 
Strange" u 0, no," said Wright ; "there is one Moore" 
"Ay," said Strange, "that's Wright." 



CAT 0' NINE TAILS. 

The captain of one of the British frigates, a man of 
undaunted bravery, had a natural antipathy to a cat. A 
sailor, who, from misconduct, had been ordered a flogging, 
saved his back, by presenting to his captain the following 
petition : 

" By your honor's command 

A culprit I stand, 
An example to all the ship's crew ; 

I am pinioned, and stript, 

And condemned to be whipt, 
And if I am flogged — 'tis my due ! 

A cat, I am told, 

In abhorrence you hold : 
Your honor's aversion is mine ! — 

If a cat with one tail 

Makes your stout heart to fail, 
0, gave me from one that has nine ! " 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 271 

EXTRAORDINARY ALTAR-PIECE. 

" Over a Popish altar at Worms," says Burnet, " there is 
a picture one would think invented to ridicule transubstantia- 
tion. There is a windmill, and the Virgin Mary throws Christ 
into the hopper, and He comes out at the eye of the mill all 
in wafers, which a priest takes up to give to the people." 



General Sir Eyre Coote and his staff were standing in 
a group one morning, when a gun was pointed at them. The 
ball struck the ground near Coote. " You had better move, 
sir," said an officer; "you are observed." " Never mind," 
replied the general, " they could not do that again." Another 
time, one of his aids-de-camp observed that he endangered his 
health, and the fate of the army, by exposing himself too 
much to the sun. " Tut, tut," exclaimed the veteran ; "the 
sun has no more effect on me than on a deal board." " Ay, 
but, sir," rejoined the aid-de-camp, "'you should recollect it 
is not the first old board that the sun has split." 



When Dr. Jeggon, afterwards Bishop of Norwich, was 
master of Bennet College, Cambridge, he punished all the 
under-graduates for some general offence ; and because he 
disdained to convert the penalty-money into private use, it 
was expended on new whitening the hall of the college. A 
scholar hung the following verses on the screen : 

" "Dr. Jeggon, Bennet College master, 

Broke the scholars' heads and gave the walls a plaster." 

The doctor, perusing the paper, wrote underneath, extem- 
pore, 

" Knew I but the wag that writ these verses in bravery, 
I 'd commend him for his wit, but whip him for his knavery." 



272 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

TO EDITORS AND OTHERS. 

The public are informed that accidents, murders, &c., are 
manufactured and for sale at the subscriber's establishment, 
in the back-attic of No. 14 Literary Row. Their prices vary, 
of course, as to size, goodness, and quality. The undersigned 
begs leave to append some specimens of skill. 

J. Fitz Fiction. 

N. B. A discount made to wholesale purchasers. 

" Singular Fact. — As one of the children of Mr. Snubbins 
was sleeping in its crib, on Wednesday last, a mouse crept 
down its throat. The child was awakened, and, with a pre- 
cocity truly astonishing, called loudly for a physician. The 
intelligent Dr. Trodnob, being sent for, made the interesting 
little sufferer swallow a cat ; who, when she had caught the 
mouse, was dislodged by means of a stomach-pump. The 
accomplished little innocent, we are happy to say, is near 
recovery." 

" Distressing Occurrence. — As one of our most respected 
fellow-citizens was crossing the track of the Slambangmuggle.- 
tonville Railroad, he was knocked down by one of the locomo- 
tives, and thrown to a great distance. A physician was 
immediately called in, and we are happy to say that the 
patient is so far recovered as to ask for a gin toddy." 

"Horrible! — The powder-mill of Sancho Suds & Co. 
blew up on Wednesday last, witk a tremendous noise." 



The man who will live above his present circumstances is 
in great danger of living in a little time much beneath them ; 
or, as the Italian proverb says, u The man who lives by hope 
will die by danger." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 273 

INGENIOUS REASON. 

The Welsh formerly drank their ale, mead, or metheglin, 
out of earthen vessels, glazed and painted within and without, 
with dainty devices. A farmer in the principality, who had a 
curious quart mug, with an angel painted at the bottom, on 
the inside, found that a neighbor who very frequently visited 
him, and, with the customary hospitality, had the first 
draught, always gave so hearty a swig as to leave little for 
the rest of the party. This our farmer three or four times 
remonstrated against, as unfair ; but was always answered, 
lt Hur does so love to look at that pretty angel, that hur always 
drinks till hur can see its face. 7 ' The farmer, on this, set 
aside his angel cup, and at the next Shrewsbury fair bought 
one with a figure of the devil painted at the bottom. This 
being produced, foaming with ale, to his guest ; he made but 
one draught, and handed it to the next man quite empty. 
Being asked his reason, as he could not now wish to look at 
the angel, he replied, " iNo, but hur cannot bear to leave 
that ugly devil a drop." 



A WINDOW IN THE BELLY. 

"I WISH," said Rigby to Charles Fox, '''that you would 
stand out of my light, or that you had a window in that great 
belly of yours.*' "What," said Charles, '-'that you might 
lay an additional tax upon it, I suppose ! " 



EPIGRAM. 



Your comedy I 've read, my friend, 
And like the halfjou pilfered best ; 

But sure the drama you might mend — 
Take courage, man ! and steal the rest. 



274 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

GENERAL WOLFE. 

General Wolfe, happening to overhear a> young officer 
talk of him in a very familiar manner, as,. "Wolfe and I 
drank a bottle of wine together, 7 ' and so on, appeared, and 
said, "I think you might say General Wolfe." "No," 
replied the subaltern, with a happy presence of mind, "did 
you ever hear of General Achilles, or General Julius Caesar? " 



A servant, who had made the improvement which might 
have been expected from hearing the irreligious and blasphe- 
mous conversation continually passing at the table where it 
was his place to wait, took an opportunity to rob his master. 
Being apprehended, and urged to give a reason for this 
infamous behavior, "Sir," said he, "I have so often heard 
you speak of the impossibility of a future state, and that after 
death there was no reward for virtue or punishment for vice, 

I was tempted to commit the robbery." "Well, but," 
I the master, " had you no fear of that death which the 

of your country inflict on a criminal? " " Sir," rejoined 
the servant, looking sternly at his master, "what is that to 
you, if I had a mind to venture that ? You had removed my 
greatest fear ; — why should I fear the less ? " 



An attorney, says an ingenious writer, is the same thing to 
a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this 
difference, that your lawyer does not deal in scruples. 



From Bonaparte's enmity to the Press, it is supposed that 
he was a friend to Locke on the Human Understanding. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 275 

PATRIOTIC REPARATION. 
On the appointment of the Rockingham administration, 
John Wilkes conceived that, as the minister courted popular- 
ity, he, having been strenuous in the popular cause, might 
command his own terms. He demanded a general pardon, 
five thousand pounds in cash, and a pension on the Irish 
establishment. Edmund Burke, who had been prevailed on 
to second the application, refused to carry so presumptuous a 
requisition to the marquis, nor "would any other person make 
so extravagant an application. Wilkes, on the change of 
ministry, renewed hostilities : and, in conclusion, was expelled 
the House, sentenced to two years' imprisonment and one 
thousand pounds' fine, and security for seven years' good 
behavior. This was, compared with Wilkes' first view, a 
great obliquity of prospect, indeed! 



SEVERE RETORT. 

Soon after Lord Sidney's elevation to the peerage, he hap- 
pened to observe in company that authors were often very 
ridiculous in the titles they gave. u That," said a gentleman 
present, ' ; is an error from which even kings appear not to be 
exempt." 

Ears are the ports of entry to the soul, through which att 
ships are more easily admitted than those laden with the 
whispers of prudence, or the lessons of prudence and experi- 
ence. 

Henry IV., being informed that two physicians had abjured 
their religion, said to Duplessis Morney, " Your religion, sir, 
is in a decline, and the physicians have given it up." 



276 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

SYMPATHY. 

The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a 
ditch; the next moment a young curate called out, "Lie still, 
your grace! " leapt over him, and pursued his sport. Such 
an apparent want of feeling, we might presume, was properly 
resented, — not so. On being assisted to remount, the duke 
said, " That young man shall have the first good living that 
fallg to my disposal ; had he stopped to have taken care of 
me, I never would have patronized him;" being delighted 
with an ardor similar to his own, or with a spirit that would 
not stoop to flatter. 

As there is no jumping in nature, equally there is no stop 
to it. 

A distinguished teacher defines genius to be the power of 
making efforts. 

If you would keep your secret from an enemy, tell it not 
to a friend. 

It is in the garden of centralization where the venomous 
plant of ambition thrives. 

We soon forget not only our sorrows, but the lessons we 
learned from them. 

Not Unity, but Union, will and must become the watch- 
word of national bodies. 

Deference is the most complicate, the most indirect, and the 
most elegant, of all compliments. 

Our evil genius, like the junior member of a deliberative 
body, always gives its views first. 

Mother ! What comfort there is in the name which gives 
assurance of a love that can neither change nor fail ! 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 277 

BURLESQUE OF THE STYLE OF DR. JOHNSON. 

SUPPOSED TO BE WRITTEN BY B. JEPHSON, ESQ. 

While I was admiring the fantastical ramifications of some 
umbelliferous plants that hung over the margin of the Liffy, 
the fallacious bank, imperceptibly corroded by the moist tooth 
of the fluid, gave way beneath my feet, and I was suddenly 
submerged to some fathoms of profundity. Presence of mind, 
in constitutions not naturally timid, is generally in proportion 
to the imminence of the peril. Having never learned to move 
through the water in horizontal progression, had I desponded, 
I had perished ; but, being for a moment raised above the 
element by my struggles, or by some felicitous casualty, I 
was sensible of the danger, and instantly embraced the means 
of extrication. A cow, at the moment of my lapse, had en- 
tered the stream, within the distance of a protruded arm ; 
and, being in the act of transverse navigation to seek the pas- 
ture of the opposite bank, I laid hold on that part of the ani- 
mal which is loosely pendant behind, and is formed by the 
continuation of the vertebrae. In, this manner I was safely 
conveyed to a fordable passage, not without some delectation 
from the sense of the progress without effort on my part, and 
the exhilarating approximation of more than problematical 
deliverance. Though in some respects I resembled the pilot 
of Gyas, Jam senior madidaqne fluens in veste, yet my 
companions, unlike the barbarous Phrygian spectators, fore- 
bore to acerbitate the uncouthness of embarrassment by the 
insults of derision. Shrieks of complorance testified sorrow 
for my submersion, and safety was rendered more pleasant by 
the felicitations of sympathy. As the danger was over, I 
took no umbrage at a little risibility excited by the feculence 
of my visage, upon which the cow had discharged her gra- 
mineous digestion in a very ludicrous abundance. About this 
24 



278 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

time the bell summoned us to dinner ; and, as the cutaneous 
contact of irrigated garments is neither pleasant nor salu- 
brious, I was easily persuaded by the ladies to divest myself 
of mire. Colonel Manly obligingly accommodated me with a 
covering of camlet. I found it commodious, and more agree- 
able than the many compressive ligaments of modern drapery. 
That there might be no violation of decorum, I took care to 
have the loose robe fastened before with small cylindrical 
wires, which the dainty fingers of the ladies easily removed 
from their dress and inserted into mine, at such proper inter- 
vals as to leave no aperture that could awaken the suscepti- 
bility of temperament, or provoke the cachinnations of levity. 



When the Persians under Xerxes invaded Greece, their 
haughty general sent these words to Leonidas, the commander 
of the Grecian forces: " Surrender your arms." Leonidas 
wrote and returned this answer on the same paper : " Come 
and take them." 



A tar, passing by one of those corners in Philadelphia 
where idlers assemble for the benefit of the sun in cold 
weather, observed one basking, and called out, " Hoa, brother, 
what latitude are you in, for I observe you are taking the 
sun?" 



A certain nobleman, who had not the character of being 
very courageous, one day asked a miser what pleasure he ex- 
perienced in hoarding up so many guineas. "I find as many 
charms in them," replied the miser, " as you do in wearing a 
sword." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 279 

PRESBYTERIANS PROVED TO BE CHRISTIANS. 

It was once asked, "Are the Presbyterians Christians?" 
The answer was, "Yes." "How do you make them out to 
be Christians? " was again asked. Answer: "Because they 
love their enemies." Question again: "Who are the ene- 
mies they love? " Answer : " The devil, the world, and the 
flesh." 



SARCASM AT SIR GILBERT ELLIOT, OF MINTO. 

A minister at a particular occurrence of Whitsuntide, 
during the reign of Queen Anne, was preaching upon the 
subject so commonly handled at that time, — the influence of 
the Holy Spirit. He had, like many of his brethren and 
party, a strong ill-will to Sir Gilbert Elliot, of Minto, who, 
by political dexterity and great parsimony, had attained a 
large fortune, and who must certainly be allowed to have mer- 
ited very little friendship from the Jacobites. By way of a 
wipe at the talents which Sir Gilbert displayed for the acqui- 
sition of money, Calder introduced this strange expression 
into his sermon : " I '11 tell ye what, my friends ; if the Holy 
Spirit had consisted in gucle goolcl doubloons, it wad ha' been 
clinking by this time in Gibbie Elliot's pouch." 



lenthall, the speaker. 

In the time of the Long Parliament, Sandys, a gentleman 
of bold spirit, was examined before the House, when Lent- 
hall, the speaker^ put some ridiculous and impertinent ques- 
tions to him, asking, at last, what countryman he was. "Of 
Kent," said Sandys; "and pray, may I demand the same 
of you?" "I am out of the west," said Lenthall. "By 



280 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

my troth," replied Sandys, "so I thought, for all of the 
wise men come out of the east." 



"I WISH I COULD." 

A gentleman travelling in a long lane, where his horse 
could hardly get through the mire, met a peasant, of whom 
he inquired the way to a certain place. " Straight forward," 
said the man ; " you cannot go out of your way." " Faith, 
I fear so," said the querist; " I wish I could." 



CRIME AND PUNISHMENT. 

There were two delinquents of King's College, one of 
whom was named Payne and the other Culpepper. Payne 
was expelled, but Culpepper escaped. Upon this, a wit wrote 
the following very apt line : 

" Pana perire potest ; Culpa perenms erit." 



EXHUMATION OF THE REGICIDES. 

In the crowd which attended the exhumation of Cromwell, 
Ireton and Bradshaw, after the Restoration, some one ex- 
claimed, "Who would have ever thought to see Cromwell 
hanged for high treason?" " 0, sir," said another, "this 
is nothing strange; see," he added, pointing to Bradshaw, 
" there is a president for it." 



A gentleman being once reproached for voting against his 
conscience, "The charge is false," said he; "I never had a 
conscience." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 281 

SOME CURIOUS PARTICULARS OF SHAKSPEAPE. 

"William Siiakspeare. the great poet of nature, was the 
son of John Shakspeare. a considerable dealer in wool, and 
was born at Stratford upon Avon, in April. 1564. At a 
proper age he was put to a free school, where he acquired the 
rudiments of grammar-learning. His father had no design 
to make a scholar of him. On the contrary, he took him 
early from school, and employed him in his own business : but 
he did not continue long in it. for at seventeen years of age he 
married, and commenced master of a family. In this domes- 
tic obscurity he lived for some time. till, falling into bad 
company, he was prevailed on to steal deer from Sir Thomas 
Lucy's park, near Stratford; for which, being prosecuted by 
that gentleman, he made him the subject of a ballad, which 
was so very severe, that it heightened the prosecution against 
him to that degree that he was obliged to shelter himself in 
London. On his arrival, being driven by the last necessity, 
he went to the play-house door, and picked up a little money 
by taking care of gentlemen's horses who came to the play. 
At length, some of the players, accidentally discoursing with 
him. were so pleased with his conversation that they recom- 
mended him to the house, where he was first admitted in a 
low station : but his admirable wit. and the natural turn of 
it to the stage, soon distinguished him, if not as an extraor- 
dinary actor, yet as an excellent dramatic writer. 

Having, by practice and observation, acquainted himself 
with the mechanical economy of the theatre, his active genius 
supplied the rest. But. the whole view of his first attempts 
in stage-poetry being to procure a subsistence, he directed hi3 
endeavors solely to hit the taste and humor that then pre- 
vailed amongst the meaner sort of people, of whom the au- 
dience was generally composed ; and therefore his images of 
24 " ; 



282 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

life were drawn from those of that rank. Thus did Shak- 
speare set out, without the advantage of education, the advice 
or assistance of the learned, the patronage of the better sort, 
or any acquaintance among them. But when his perform- 
ances had merited the protection of his prince, and the en- 
couragement of the court had succeeded that of the town, 
the works of his riper years were manifestly raised above the 
level of his former productions. 

Queen Elizabeth, who showed Shakspeare many marks of 
her favor, was so well pleased with the delightful character of 
Falstaff, in the two parts of Henry IV., that she commanded 
the author to continue it in one play more, and to show the 
knight in love ; which he executed inimitably in the Merry 
Wives of Windsor. Among his other patrons, the Earl of 
Southampton is particularly honored by him in the dedication 
of two poems, Venus and Adonis, and Lucrece. In the be- 
ginning of James the First's reign, he was one of the princi- 
pal managers of the play-house, and continued in it several 
years afterwards ; till, having acquired such a fortune as sat- 
isfied his moderate wishes and views in life, he quitted the 
stage and all other business, and passed the remainder of his 
life in an honorable ease at his native town of Stratford, 
where he lived in a handsome house of his own building, to 
which he gave the name of New Place. 

He died on the 23d of April, 1616, in the fifty-third year 
of his age, and was interred in the chancel of the great church 
at Stratford, where a handsome monument was erected to 
him. In 1740 another very noble one was raised to his 
memory, at the public expense, in Westminster Abbey ; an 
ample contribution for this purpose being made, upon exhibit- 
ing Julius Caesar, at the Theatre-royal in Drury-lane, April 
28, 1738. His dramatic writings were first published to- 



OXE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 283 

gether in folio, in 1723 ; since which they have had many 
editions, and have been republished with notes by Mr. Rowe, 
Mr. Pope, Mr. Theobald, Sir Thomas Hanmer, Mr. Warbur- 
ton, and Samuel Johnson, LL.D. 



John Prentice, the grave-digger of Carnwarth, in Lan- 
arkshire, had a pleasant equivoque, which he constantly used 
on hearing of the death of any person. " Hech whow ! " he 

would say, "is dead? I wad rather it had been other 

twa." 



A person once asked John Prentice if he considered him- 
self at liberty to pray for his daily bread. ' : Dear sake, 
sir,' 7 he answered, " the Lord's Prayer tells us that, ye ken." 
"Ay 3 but," said the querist, " do you think you can do that, 
consistently with the command which enjoins us to wish no 
evil to our neighbors?" "Dear sake, sir," cried John, 
rather puzzled, "yekenfouk maun be buriet ! " This was 
quite natural, and very conclusive. 



The grave-digger of Sorn, in Ayrshire, was as selfish and 
mean a wretch as ever handled mattock or carried mortcloth. 
He w T as a very querulous and discontented old man, with a 
voice like the whistle of the wind through a key-hole on a 
bleak Sunday afternoon in the country. An acquaintance 
from a neighboring parish accosted him one day, and asked 
how the world was standing with him. " 0, very puirly, 
sir — very puirly, indeed," was the answer; "the yard has 
dune naething ava for us this simmer. If ye like to believe 
me, I havena buriet a leevin' soul this sax weeks ! " 



284 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

PASSIONS. 

The fatal end of Ferrante Pallavicino (says the French 
commentator on the Naudaeana and Partiniana) has been 
told by many authors ; but we never met with so many par- 
ticulars relating to it as in the following narrative, which is 
taken from a MS. in one of the most celebrated libraries in 
Paris, added to the close of a volume entitled " The Glory of 
the Incognitos of Padua." It runs thus : 

'• Carlo di Bresche, known in Italy by the name of Carlo 
di Morti, was the son of a bookseller in Paris, named Pietro 
di Bresche. He travelled in the service of a nobleman 
through Italy ; but his master dying on the road, Carlo went 
from Venice to Rome, where he was recommended to the Bar- 
berini family as a man capable of undertaking any bold en- 
terprise. No sooner was his character known than he was 
intrusted by them with the destruction of Ferrante Pallavi- 
cino, against whom the Barberini were highly exasperated, on 
account of his two predictions, the i Baccinata,' and the ' Di- 
vortio Celeste.' The price of this treacherous exploit was 
then settled to be three thousand doubloons. Carlo, on this, 
repaired to Venice, the asylum of Ferrante, where he con- 
trived to insinuate himself so far into his friendship that, 
finding him disposed to seek a refuge in France from the 
snares which were laid for his life in Italy, he offered himself 
as his fellow-traveller, and was accepted. They journeyed 
together as far as Orange, a city within ten miles of Avignon ; 
when Carlo sending an account to the vice-legate at that 
place that the prey was in his hands, a party was sent to 
seize them both, they were conducted to Avignon and thrown 
into prison. Carlo, however, who had only been confined for 
form's sake, was soon set free ; whereas Ferrante was re- 
tained, brought to a trial, and executed. Meanwhile Carlo 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 285 

returned to Rome, where he received the infamous reward of 
his diabolical treachery, partly in pictures (which were ex- 
posed to sale in Paris, at the Hotel de Fleury, afterwards a 
lodging-house kept by Madam Batillon, a native of Bretagne, 
in the Rue des Bourdonnois), and partly in ready money. 

"In the interim, Cardinal Mazarin, extremely hurt at the 
death of Pallavicino, to whom he bore much good will, 
directed one Ganducci, an Italian, to contract an intimacy 
with the traitor. This the emissary brought about in the 
most cautious manner, by pretending to sell gloves, perfumes 
and other trifles, which he bartered with Carlo for pictures 
and other goods. Having now settled a kind of commerce 
with him, he often went to his house, which stood in the 
i Place Maubert; J and one morning, going at a very early 
hour, on pretence of their common interests, he complained to 
Carlo concerning some misconduct of his in their affairs, — 
the which Carlo, who was then in bed, denying, the other, 
picking a quarrel with him, darted upon him, caught him fast 
round the body, and stabbed him in the reins with a poniard. 
Carlo, who was stout and active, finding himself wounded, 
grappled with the assassin, and in the scuffle they both fell to 
the ground. The people of the house ran to the room, on 
hearing the noise in the chamber, but could not enter, as the 
door was locked from within. Having fetched officers of 
justice, and broken open the door, the murder was discovered, 
and Ganducci was led away to the little Chatelet, while Carlo 
was expiring. 

""When the story was told to Cardinal Mazarin, he gave 
directions to the magistrate of the police to release the pris- 
oner, and was obeyed. Thus was the execrable villain Carlo 
repaid for his more than inhuman treachery. " 



286 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

PUNCTILIO. 

The students at Oxford stand much upon punctilio in the 
matter of making acquaintance ; insomuch that one will not 
hold the least intercourse with another, unless the proper 
formula of introduction has been gone through. It is told, 
as a quiz upon them for this peculiarity, that a young gen- 
tleman who had recently entered one of the colleges happen- 
ing to be seized with cramp while bathing in the Isis, and 
being on the point of sinking, probably to rise no more, a 
youth of older standing, who leaned over a bridge near the 
scene, thus soliloquized : — "" Good God ! what a pity I was 
not introduced to that freshman, — perhaps I might have 
saved him." 



SPUNGERS. 



Words, as well as men and things, seem to fall from their 
more dignified and valued state into " abatement and low 
price." The name of Spunger, which at present carries with 
it such an odious meaning, was among the ancients an honor- 
able title. Diodorus relates that " the Celtic bards, who 
were the poets of the ancient Gauls, followed them to war, to 
witness and record their heroic actions, and that they were 
called, as a mark of honor, Spungers." 



CARDINAL RICHELIEU. 

The cardinal intimated to the French academy his desire 
that a dictionary of the French language should be com- 
posed. It was submitted to his eminence that M. Vauge- 
las was every way equal to the principal charge and concern 
in its compilation ; but that, as an encouragement, it would 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 287 

be expedient to obtain for hiin, from the king, the repayment 
of his pension of two thousand livres, which had been dis- 
continued. The pension was restored, and Vaugelas went 
immediately to thank the cardinal. That minister, seeing 
Vaugelas enter his chamber, advanced towards him, and said, 
" Well, sir, you will at least not forget the word pension in 
your Dictionary." "No, my lord/' replied M. Vaugelas, 
" and still less the word gratitude." 



GOING TO RAMOTH GILEAD. 

A sailor, who had served the king so long at sea that he 
almost forgot the usages of civilized society on shore, went 
one day into the church at his native town of Kirkaldy, in 
Fife, where it happened that the minister chose for his text 
the well-known passage, " Who will go up with us toRamoth 
Gilead?" This emphatic appeal being read a second time, 
and in a still more impressive tone of voice, the thoughtless 
tar crammed a quid of tobacco into his cheek, rose up, put 
on his hat ; then, looking around him, and seeing nobody 
moving, he exclaimed, " You cowardly lubbers ! will none of 
you go with the old gentleman? I '11 go, for one." So out 
he w r ent, giving three cheers at the door, to the amazement 
of all present. 



" Where is Mr. F. ? " inquired an old lady of us, a few 
days since, referring to a mutual friend now travelling in 
Europe. " 0, in some part of Austria, I believe," was the 
reply. "Well, dear me ! " exclaimed the blessed old woman, 
"I'm so glad he's in Austria, for then he can bring me 
home an ostrich feather." 



288 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Lord Mansfield, being willing to save a man who had 
stolen a watch, directed the jury to bring it in value ten 
pence. " Ten pence, my lord ! " said the prosecutor; " why, 
the very fashion of it cost me fifty shillings." " Perhaps so,' 7 
replied his lordship, " but we are not to hang a man for 
fashion's sake." 



TOM HOOD ON THE IRISH BOY. 

Give liim a collar without a skirt 
(That 's the Irish linen for shirt), 
And a slice of bread, with a taste of dirt 

(That 's Poverty's Irish butter), 
And what does he lack to make him blest ? 
Some oyster-shells, or a sparrow's nest, 

A candle-end and a gutter. 



As long as a man gets six dollars a week, he can live and 
get along rather quietly and contentedly : but as soon as his 
wages reach twelve dollars a week, he needs twenty-four, — 
gets in debt, and " busts up," at that ! Man is a high press- 
ure engine, — vanity's the steam, money the fuel,— apply 
to principle, and you have the facts. Make a note on ? t ! 



A Frenchman, being arraigned a few days since, at New 
York, for stealing three bags of coffee from a vessel in East 
Eiver, was asked by the clerk of the court if he was guilty 
or not guilty. Pretending, however, not to understand, 
the clerk asked him, in plain English, if he did steal the 
coffee. To which he immediately replied, "No, sare, me 
only sequestare de coffee." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 2S9 

INJUSTICE. 

A reward greatly beneath the merit is injustice. A brave 
fellow, who had both his arms shot off in battle, was offered 
by his colonel half a crown. "You surely think, colonel," 
answered the soldier, with great readiness, " that I have only 
lost a pair of gloves." The name of the generous and just 
colonel is not recorded. General St. Clair, being told the 
story, procured the soldier Chelsea provision, and gave him 
half a crown a week for life. 



CONFESSIONS OF A PICKPOCKET. 

A celebrated pickpocket, who was lately sent to the 
state-prison for his misdeeds, being noted for his marvellous 
adroitness in pocket-lifting, was requested to reveal the secret 
of his success, when the following, among other disclosures, 
were made. We publish them, as likely to be useful to those 
who are willing to take a hint : 

" I never," said the pickpocket, " attempt the pocket of an 
old resident of a city, but uniformly strangers and country- 
men." But, on being asked how he distinguished them, he 
replied, "Very easily ;" and gave the following list of persons 
who were the regular victims of the " craft " : 

" Persons in an omnibus who take out their pocket-books 
after the stage stops are sure to be countrymen. Those who 
stop to converse on the side-walks or in thoroughfares, or take 
out pocket-books at the box or pit offices of theatres, or steam- 
boat-offices. All those who stop to gaze at shop-windows, or 
count money or show pocket-books in the street, or call in 
at the Funk auction-rooms. All these," said he, "are our 
common victims. If I find a man eating oysters or fruit or 
carrying an open knife in the street, in nine times out of tea 
25 



290 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

he is green, and we victimize him. Persons who stand up 
in theatres, or stand on cross-walks, are generally country 
folks, and we make sure of them." 

The shrewdness of these observations of the pickpocket must 
be obvious to all city people, and accounts for the remarkable 
fact that city residents seldom suffer by the operations of these 
light-fingered gentry. 



JAMES THE FIRST. 



King James the First gave all manner of liberty and 
encouragement to the exercise of buffoonery, and he took 
great delight in it himself. Happening once to bear some- 
what hard on one of his Scotch courtiers, "By my saul," 
retorted the peer, "he that made your majesty a king spoiled 
the best fool in Christendom ! " 



precedency at the gallows. 

Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, 
riding by Tyburn together, said the former, " That is a 
very pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret." " You fool ! " 
replied Garret; "don't you know there must be Chambers 
first?" 

GOOD ADVICE. 

A forward young scholar, wishing to appear in the pul- 
pit, consulted an elder preacher as to what text he should 
choose. The latter, wishing him well, and knowing he was 
too young, suggested this text: "Go to Jericho till your 
beard be grown." The scholar, it is said, took the sage's 
advice, and, waiting a few years, proved eventually an ex- 
cellent preacher. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 291 

THE LEAST EVIL. 

One asked his friend why he married so little a wife. 
"Why," said he, "I thought you had known that of all 
evils we should choose the least." 



MANFUL ASSISTANCE. 

The master of a ship, walking about on deck, called into 
the hold, "Who's there?" A boy answered, "Will, sir." 
"What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom 
there?" "Yes," cried Tom. "What are you doing, 
Tom?" " Helping Will, sir ! " 



ACCUMULATION. 



M. de Vandille w T as the most remarkable man at Paris, 
on account of his extreme wealth and avarice. He had been 
a magistrate at Boulogne. He literally adopted the old 
maxim, that " the semina of wealth, the halfpence and pence, 
may be compared to seconds of time, which generate years, 
centuries, and even eternity itself." In 1735 M. de Vandille 
possessed upwards of seven hundred thousand pounds, which he 
had got or multiplied upon the body of a single shilling, from 
the age of sixteen to the age of seventy-two. When, having 
overheated himself one summer's day in carrying home a load 
of fuel, a fever ensued, he for the first time in his life sent for 
a surgeon to bleed him ; but, thinking his terms exorbitant, 
he proposed terms to a common barber-surgeon, who under- 
took a vein for three pence a time. "But," says Vandille, 
" how often will it be requisite to bleed? " " Three times," 
said he. "And what quantity of blood do you propose to 
take?" "About eight ounces each time," replied the opera- 



292 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

tor. "That will be nine pence! too much! too much!" 
exclaimed old Vandille. " I have determined to go a cheaper 
way to work ; take the whole quantity at once that you pro- 
pose to take at three times, and that will save me six pence. 7 ' 
This being insisted on, he lost twenty-four ounces of blood, 
and also, by this unprecedented stretch of parsimony, his life. 
He left his vast treasures to the king, whom he appointed his 
sole heir. 



THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH. 

Watteau, a celebrated Dutch painter, is said in his last 
moments to have given a strong testimony of his affection to 
his art. A priest who attended him offering him a crucifix 
to kiss which was extremely ill-painted, " For God's sake, 
father," said the dying man, " remove it from me; the sight 
of it shocks me ! " 



COMPLIMENT WORTHY OE AN EMPEROR. 

The Emperor Charles V. frequently supplied the inimi- 
table painter, Titian, with considerable sums of money, signi- 
fying upon these occasions " that he did not mean to pay him 
the value of his pictures, because they were above all price." 



THE RIGHT OF DISCOVERY. 

A gentleman praising the personal charms of a very plain 
woman before Foote, the latter whispered him, "And why 
don't you lay claim to such an accomplished beauty?" 
"What right have I to her?" replied the other. "Every 
right, by the law of nations, as the first discoverer," said 
Foote. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 293 

A gentleman, in complimenting a great poet of his ac- 
quaintance, said that he "had climbed Mount Parnassus with 
a ladder, and, when he had ascended, he drew it up after 
him.*' 



It is said of the celebrated Dr. Radcliffe, that he was not 
in the habit of paying his bills without much following and 
importunity ; nor then, if any chance appeared of wearying 
out the patience of his creditors. A paver, after long and 
fruitless attempts, caught him just getting out of his chariot 
at his own door at Bloomsbury-square, and set upon him. 
" Why, you rascal ! " said the doctor ; " do you pretend to be 
paid for such a piece of work ? Why, you spoiled my pave- 
ment, and then covered it over with earth to hide your bad 
work.'' " Doctor," said the paver, " mine is not the only 
piece of bad work that the earth hides." " You dog, you ! " 
said the doctor ; " are you a wit ? Well, you must be poor ; 
come in." The man was paid. 



Uneasy and ambitious gentility is always spurious. The 
garment which one has long worn never sits uncomfortable. 

The stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping our 
desires is like cutting off our feet when we ivant shoes. 

Ambition often puts men upon doing the meanest offices ; 
so climbing is performed in the same posture as creeping. 



" Where are you going?" asked an old gentleman of a 
little boy who had just completed his tenth year. "Why, 
into my eleventh year," he replied. 
25* 



294 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

DUKE OF ARGYLL. 

John, Duke of Argyll, having been with some ladies in 
the opera-house in London, an English squire, puffing, blow- 
ing and sweating, entered the box in which they were seated, 
with his hunting-boots on, and whip in hand. The duke 
instantly rose up, and, making a low bow, exclaimed, " Sir, 
I am very much obliged to you l v " ! why ? — how ? — 
for what? " ll For not bringing your horse here ! " 



AMOR PATRLE. 

A gentleman from the Highlands of Scotland, attended 
by his trusty servant Donald, a native of the wild and moun- 
tainous district of Lochaber, in Inverness-shire, when travel- 
ling through the fertile and delightful plains of Italy, asked 
Donald what he would do if he possessed an estate there. 
Donald instantly replied, " Please your honor, I would sell 
him, and buy an estate in Lochaber ! " 



POOR MAN OF MUTTON. 

A leg of mutton in its last stage of scraggism is sometimes 
■ (in Scotland) devilled, or otherwise prepared for the table, 
and then bears the familiar title of * : a poor man of mutton," 
or, more briefly, "a poor man." It is related by Dr. Jame- 
son, in his dictionary, that a Scotch nobleman entering an inn 
at London, after a long journey, and being asked by the land- 
lord what he would please to have, answered, with a yawn, 
" I dare say I could take a bit of a poor man." "A bit of 
what?" inquired the landlord. U A bit of a poor man," 
repeated his lordship. " The Lord have a care of my poor 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 295 

soul ! " cried mine host, and made but one step from the top 
of the stairs to the bottom ; nor could he be prevailed upon, 
till the phrase was explained by the nobleman's valet, to make 
his appearance again in the parlor. 



CROSS ANSWERS. 



A prisoner being brought up to Bow-street, the following 
dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate : 
" How do you live V s " Pretty well, sir ; generally a joint 
and pudding at dinner." " I mean, sir, how do you get your 
bread?" "I beg your worship's pardon; sometimes at the 
baker's, and sometimes at the chandler's shop." "You may 
be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you, 
How do you do?" " Tolerable well, I thank your worship; 
I hope your worship is well." 



SINGULAR ESCAPE. 

FROM A DESCRIPTION OF THE ISLAND OF ST. HELENA. 

The author, describing a high, steep promontory, called 
Ladder Hill, the height of which cannot be much less than 
eight hundred feet, relates an extraordinary accident which 
happened to a Dutch sailor in 1759, the truth of which was 
attested by many people on the island. This man, coming 
out of the country after dark, and being in liquor, mistook 
the path then in use, and turned to the left instead of the 
right. He continued his journey with great difficulty, till, 
finding the descent no longer practicable, he took up his resi- 
dence for the night in a small chink of the rock, and fell 
asleep. Late in the morning he waked ; and what were his 
horror and astonishment to find himself on the brink of a 



296 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

precipice a hundred fathoms deep ! He attempted to return 
back, but found it impossible to climb the crags he had de- 
scended. After having passed several hours in this dreadful 
situation, he discovered some boys on the beach at the foot of 
the precipice, bathing in the sea. Hope of relief made him 
exert his voice to the utmost ; but he had the mortification to 
find that the distance prevented his being heard. He then 
threw one of his shoes towards them, but it unfortunately fell 
without being perceived ; he threw the other, and was more 
fortunate, for it fell at the feet of one of the boys just coming 
out of the water. The youth looked up, and, with great sur- 
prise, saw the poor Dutchman waving his hat and making 
other signs of distress. They hastened to the town, and, 
telling what they had seen, great numbers of people ran to 
the heights overhead, from whence they could see the man, 
but were nevertheless puzzled how to save him. At last a 
coil of strong rope was procured, and, one end being fastened 
above, the other was veered down over the place where he 
stood. The sailor instantly laid hold of it, and, with an 
agility peculiar to people of his profession, in a little time 
gained the summit. As soon as he found himself safe, he 
produced an instance of provident thriftiness truly Dutch, by 
pulling out of his bosom a China punch-bowl, which in all his 
drunkenness and distress he had taken care to preserve un- 
broken ; choosing rather to part with shoes than his bowl, 
though the latter must have alarmed the children at once by 
its noise, and the shoes must have left him to starve, if they 
had not fallen in sight. 



Lord Kenyon told a witness, angrily, that he would 
commit him. " I hope," answered he, "that your lordship 
will not commit yourself." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 297 

ROGUES OUT, ROGUES IN ; A TOUCH AT THE BANKS. 

" Friend in the grogram gown, with staff and spear, 

"What is your business, what your duty here ? " 
" To watch the bank." — " The bank ? why, tell me, pray ; 

Think you the bank is like to run away ? ' ' 
" No, no ! but rogues and thieves — those wicked chaps — 

Might break the locks and doors, and steal, perhaps ; 

And I am paid for standing here all night 

To catch or fright them, and to keep all right." 
" Well, since you 're paid for watchman, stand thy post, 

And see no stiver of the cash is lost ; 

At the same time, permit me, friend, to doubt 

Such mighty dangers from the rogues without : 

I ? d think the money better far applied, 

If you were paid for catching rogues inside." 



CHARLES THE SECOND'S POCKETS. 

No prince was more addressed than Charles II. ; while the 
very people who sent these generous, nay, extravagant offers, 
scarcely allowed him the necessary supplies. Killigrew saw 
this in the proper view, and once gave private orders to the 
king's tailor to make one of his majesty's coat-pockets of a 
most enormous size, and the other scarcely larger than a 
thimble. The kin^. beino- informed that this was done at the 
desire of Killigrew, asked him the reason. " May it please 
your majesty,'"* replied the arch wag, r ' the large pocket is to 
receive the addresses of your subjects, and the other is to 
put the money in which they intend to present you with. 7 ' 



Theodore Hook used to say that nothing changed so 
much in the course of a hundred years as a snuff-box, for it 
then became a sent ry '-box. 



298 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A DIRTY WITNESS. 
A German gentleman, in the course of a strict cross- 
examination on a trial during the Oxford Circuit, was asked 
to state the exact age of the defendant. " Dirty," (thirty) 
was the reply. " And pray, sir, are you his senior, and by 
how many years ? " " Why, sir, I am dirty-two" 



HARPIANA. 
The Bonnet-rouge, or Red-cap, was much venerated at the 
beginning of the French subversion. La Harpe, one day 
haranguing, said, "It is asserted that the Red-cap consoli- 
dates Republican Heads ; I declare that it almost melts 
mine" and so saying, he threw it among his auditors. This 
cap, like all its similars, has had its rage ; but it has melted 
matters much harder and thicker than even the skull of M. 
la Harpe, President of the Section of Pikes ! 



A family of rank paid a visit to a manse, some in a 
jaunting-car, some on horseback, and the younger branches, 
with the governess, whose surname was Wright, in a cart. 
When they were going away, the minister, -without waiting 
till a chair was brought, or the cart-door taken off, lifted the 
young ladies in his arms, and put them into the cart. The 
governess declared she would not be lifted in that manner. 
He took her up and placed her in the cart beside her pupils, 
saying, "Madam, might overcomes Wright." 



Punch asks, "Why is the man who does not bet as bad 
as a man who does ? Because he is no better." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 299 

SOLD. 

An officer was recently sold in Providence by a limb of the 
law. The officer, desirous of fees, had heard that the lawyer 
had lost some article, and went to him with an inquiry as to 
the fact. The lawyer answering in the affirmative, the officer 
commenced filling out a blank search-warrant, and finally 
came to the place where it was necessary to specify the article 
lost, which the lawyer stated to be an important suit at the 
Court of Common Pleas. The officer sloped. 



THE BLIND AND THE BLIND. 

A gentleman disputing about religion in Button's coffee- 
house, one of the company said, " You talk of religion; I'll 
hold you five guineas you can't repeat the Lord's Prayer ; 
Sir Richard Steele, here, shall hold stakes." The money 
being deposited, the gentleman began, "I believe in God," 
and so went through his Creed. "Well," said the other, 
" I own I have lost it ; but did not think you could have done 
it." 

BEN JONSON. 

Lord Craven, in King James the First's reign, was very 
desirous to see Ben Jonson ; which being told to Ben, he 
went to my lord's house ; but, being in a very shabby condi- 
tion, the porter refused him admittance, with some saucy 
language, which the other did not fail to return. My lord, 
happening to come out while they were wrangling, asked the 
occasion of it. Ben, who stood in need of nobody to speak 
for him, said, "He understood his lordship desired to see 
him." "You, friend!" said my lord; "who are you?" 
"Ben Jonson," replied the other. "No, no," quoth his 



300 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

lordship, "you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent 
Woman ; you look as if you could not say Boo to a goose." 
" Boo ! " cried Ben. " Very well," said rny lord, who was 
more pleased at the joke than offended at the affront ; " I am 
now convinced you are Ben Jonson." 



A WHOLE DAY TO OURSELVES. 
The President Allout and Madame Defand were both 
complaining, one day, of the continual interruptions they met 
with from the society in which they lived. "How happy 
should we be," said the lady, "to have a whole day to our- 
selves !" They agreed to try whether this was not possible, 
and at last found a small apartment in the Tuilleries, belong- 
ing to a friend, which was unoccupied, and where they 
proposed to meet. They arrived, accordingly, in separate 
conveyances, about eleven in the forenoon, appointed their 
carriages to return at twelve at night, and ordered dinner 
from a fautilue. The morning was passed entirely to the 
satisfaction of both, in the effusions of love and friendship. 
" If every day," said the one to the other, " were to be like 
this, life would be too short." Dinner came, and before four 
o'clock sentiment had given place to gayety and wit. About 
six the lady looked at the clock. "They play Athaline to- 
night," said she, " and the new actress is to make her appear- 
ance." " I confess,"* said the president, " that if I were not 
here, I should regret not seeing her." "Take care, president ! " 
said the lady ; " what you say is really an expression of regret ; 
if you had been as happy as you profess to be, you would not 
have thought of the possibility of being at the representation 
of Athaline." The president vindicated himself, and ended 
with saying, " Js it for you to complain, when you were the 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 301 

first to look at the clock, and to remark that Athaline was to 
be acted to-night? There is no clock for those that are 
happy. " The dispute grew warm, they became more and 
more out of humor, and by seven they wished most earnestly 
to separate. That was impossible. " ! " said the lady, " I 
cannot stay here till twelve. Five hours longer ! What a 
punishment ! " There was a screen in the room. The lady 
seated herself behind it, and left the rest of the room to the 
president. The president, piqued at it, takes a pen and writes 
a note full of reproaches, and throws it over the screen. The 
lady picks up the note, and writes an answer in the sharpest 
terms. At last twelve o'clock arrived, and each hurried off 
separately, fully resolved never to try the experiment again. 



LEARNING AND PARTS REWARDED. 

The remuneration for Dr. Johnson's Dictionary was inade- 
quate to his performance. So far from relieving him from 
his embarrassments, he was, shortly after its completion, 
arrested for five guineas, which sum was discharged by his 
friend, Samuel Richardson, the Quaker, and author of 
Clarissa, Grandison, &c. The king, in 1762, settled three 
hundred pounds per annum on Johnson, without any stipula- 
tion as to future literary exertions. 



A band of young empty divinity-students paid a visit to a 
manse; a flock of turkeys followed them to the door. " Sir," 
says one of the probationers, " do you allow the turkeys to 
come into your house ? " " Sometimes," replied the minister ; 
'•but I will not permit them at this time, for I never suffer 
turkeys and geese to enter at the same time." 
26 



302 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ROYAL CONVERSATION. 

Dr. Samuel Johnson had the honor of a conversation 
with his majesty, in the library of Buckingham House, in 
February, 1765, when his majesty asked him if he intended 
to publish any more works. The doctor answered that he 
thought he had written enough. "I should think so too," 
said the king, " if you had not written so well." 



Mr. Pitt having made a moving speech in the House of 
Commons on the subject of the French invasion, the minister 
remarked, in a large dinner-party which happened soon after, 
that it was very right in the premier to alarm us. "How 
so?" was universally asked. "Why, our whole safety lies 
in our being all-armed, ." 



During the time Sir Thomas More was Lord Chancellor 
of England, he used to send his gentleman usher to his wife's 
pew to tell her that he was gone ; but the next Sunday after 
he had given up the chancellorship he came himself to her 
pew, and used the words of his gentleman usher, "Madam, 
his lordship is gone." 

A young minister, soon after he was licensed to preach, 
received a letter from a reverend doctor, requesting him to fill 
his pulpit on the ensuing Sabbath, as he (the doctor) was to 
be from home. He went, accordingly, and spent a most 
pleasant Saturday evening at the manse. After service, on 
Sunday, he dined solus cum sola^ the doctor's lady and he 
being all the party. The lady was most attentive to the 
young stranger guest ; and what with carving, and what with 



0XE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 303 

pressing him to enjoy the good things set before him, she 
continued eating after he had finished his meal. The lady 
said, ;; Sir, I am ashamed to take my dinner before you.*'' 
••Madam." quoth he. " I think you are rather dining after 



me 



i •• 



SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL. 

Mr. Burke's work on this subject unites Longinus and 
Aristotle. Burke is a philosophian anatomist of the human 
mind. Mr. Addison, in his Spectator, describes grandeur and 
beauty, but does not analyze either. Mr. Burke's system, in 
many respects, concurs with that of Hutchinson, who placed 
beauty in uniformity, mingled with variety, although he 
dwells more on the latter than the former. It coincides with 
Hogarth's Analysis of Beauty. Johnson said of it, "We 
have an example of true criticism in Burke's Essay. There 
is no great merit in showing how many plays have ghosts in 
them, or how this ghost is better than that : you must show 
how terror is impressed on the human heart." On perusing 
Burke's book, his father was so enraptured as to send him a 
remittance of one hundred pounds, from him a considerable 
sum. This publication is a grand epoch in the literary his- 
tory of Burke. In consequence of this manifestation of his 
intellectual powers, men of distinguished merit courted his 
acquaintance. 

GLASSES. 

•'• Do you suppose that a person can see better by the aid 
of glasses V : said a man in company. " I knpw he can,'* said 
a toper, " for, after I have taken a dozen glasses, I can see 
double/' 



304 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A CRACKED HEAD. 

An Irish servant-lad going along a passage, and singing 
rather inharmoniously, was asked by his master what horrid 
noise he was making. "I have not made any noise, sir," 
he replied. " Why, you were singing, and a confounded noise 
it was." " 0, perhaps it was the singing in my ears your 
honor heard ! " This reminds us of the dialogue between 
twa meenesters of the gude kirk of Scotland. One com- 
plained he had got a ringing in his head. "Do ye ken the 
reason o' that?" asked his worthy crony. " Na." "I'll 
tell ye ; it 's because it 's empty ! " " And have ye never a 
ringing in your head?" quoth the other. "Na, never!" 
" And do ye ken the reason ? It 's because it 's cracked ! " 
was the retort ; and the truth was not very far off. 



YANKEE INGENUITY. 



" Shan't I see you hum from singin-skul to-night, Jeru- 
shy ? " " No, you shan't do no such thing ! I don't want 
you nor your company, Eeuben." " P'raps you didn't ex- 
actly understand what I said?" "Yes I did. You asked 
me if you mightn't see me hum." " Woy, no I didn't,— I 
only asked how your marm was ! " 



A certain trading justice, notorious for his professional 
ingenuity, some time since employed a poor man to saw a 
load of wood, for which he agreed to give him eighteen pence. 
The man, in order to be more expeditious in the business, 
stripped off his coat, and laid it in the street. After finishing 
the job, he found, to his surprise, that the coat had vanished, 
and asked the justice, who had been at the door nearly the 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 305 

whole time, if he had seen anything of it. The worthy 
magistrate replied he had found a coat in the street, and, pro- 
ducing it. desired to know if he could swear to the property. 
On the poor man's answering in the affirmative, he proceeded 
to administer the oath : after which, on restoring the coat, 
he shrewdly observed to the poor fellow that they were now 
clear of each other, the price of the work being eighteen 
pence, and his fees amounting to the same. 



A Yankee tar was once in York, England : he was some- 
what deformed by having a large bunch on his back. An 
Englishman that saw him thought he would have a joke with 
the Yankee, and said, ""What in the deuce is that hump on 
your back? " " Bunker Hill," promptly replied the Yankee. 



EARLY RISING. 

A father, chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an 
earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, that a certain man, 
being up betimes, found a purse of gold. r - It might be so," 
replied the son, " but he that lost it was up before him." 



A SAW being stolen from the carpenter of an Indiaman, 
suspicions fell thick upon the captain's negro-boy, who, on 
being taxed with the theft, roundly denied the charge. The 
captain, however, being in his own mind convinced of his 
guilt, ordered him a flogging : which being over, blackee 
determined to watch the carpenter, who, not being satisfied 
either with the loss of the saw or the flogging of the boy, 
said to one of his messmates, a few days after, u D — n this 
26* 



306 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

saw; it sticks in my gizzard now !" The poor boy, overhear- 
ing him, flew with rapture to the captain, and exclaimed, 
" ! massa, massa, the carpenter find him saw." " Where?" 
demanded the captain. " ! massa, him find it, this very 
minute, in him gezard! " 



A minister and church- warden were talking of the dis- 
solution of the sexton. " I know but one way of making 
him think of his latter end," said the minister, " and that is 
to make him toll the funeral bell." " Ay, sure enough," 
replied the warden ; "he would constantly have a rope then 
before his eyes." 

A BACHELOR'S SOLILOQUY. 

To have a wife, or not, that is the question ; 

Whether it is wiser in a man to suffer 

The stings and arrows of outrageous ridicule, 

Or court a girl, or marry her straightway, 

And put the damper upon such 

Miserable meddling ? 

A bachelor ! what do I resemble ? 

A link lost from a golden chain ! 

A costly gem in an old castle hid, 

Whose beauty dazzles when we raise the lid ; 

A sum whose value none could ever prove ; 

A counterfeit upon the bank of love ! 

Ajid such am I ; but am I to remain so, 

Shunned by the married, laughed at by the single, 

My once luxuriant locks becoming gray, 

With none to love, or love me, save my dog ? 

Forbid it, powers who rule o'er mortal love ! 

Rich in houses, lands, the things to sweeten life, 

I '11 not sit down in mean, inglorious content, 

Without one great effort to secure " Heaven's 

Last, best gift to man," — a Wife. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 307 

AT YOUR SERVICE. 

The late Sir Fletcher Norton was in his character of a 
counsellor rather coarse. He once examined Mr. Alderman 
Shakspeare as a witness, and, in the course of his examina- 
tion, said, in a rude way, '-'And pray, what trade are you, 
friend?" "A ropemaker, at your service" replied the 
alderman. 



WIT AND THE OPPOSITE. 

Dryden and Otway lived opposite to each other, in Queen- 
street. Otway, coming one night from the tavern, chalked 
upon Dryden's door, "Here lives John Dryden; he is a 
wit" Dryden knew his hand- writing, and next clay chalked 
on Otway 's door, "Here lives Tom Otway; he is opposite" 



PURGATORY. 



" With regard to purgatory," says an old popish writer, 
" with regard to purgatory I will not say a great deal; but 
this much I think ', that the Protestants may go further and 
fare worse." 



GREED IN LETTERS. 



It being proved, on a trial at Guildhall, that a man's name 
was really Inch, who pretended that it was Linch, "I see," 
said the judge, " the old proverb is verified in this man, who, 
being allowed an Inch, has taken an LP 



The Mareschal of Toiras having made every necessary 
regulation for an approaching battle, an officer asked leave of 



308 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

absence, that he might go to receive his father's blessing, who, 
he said, was at the point of death. The niareschal, who sus- 
pected the cause of his retreat, answered him thus: " Go, 
honor thy father and mother, that thy days may be prolonged 
unto thee." 



POTATOES. 

Harry Prentice was the first who introduced the culture 
of potatoes into England. In the year 1784 he sunk one 
hundred and forty pounds with the managers of the Canon- 
gate poor-house, for a weekly subsistence of seven shillings, 
and afterwards made several small donations to that charity. 

This man'£ coffin, for which he paid two guineas, with the 
year of his birth (1703) on it, had hung nine years in his 
house ; and he had the undertaker's written obligation to 
screw him down with his own hands, gratis. 



" John," inquired a domine of a hopeful pupil, " tell me 
what is a nailer." "A man that makes nails," said John. 
" Very good. What is a tailor? " " One who makes tails." 
"0, you stupid fellow ! " said the domine, biting his lips ; 
" U man who makes tails ? " " Yes, master," returned John, 
"if the tailor did not put tails to the coats he made, they 
would be all jackets." "Sit down, John; you're an 
honor to your maternal relative in consanguinity." " Thank 
you, sir ; my mother always said I would be worth some- 
thing." 

"Well, Mr. , you have a fine stand for business." 

"Hem! yes, you may well say that; it is one very fine 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 309 

stand, for no customers come to make me move, all day.' " I 
suppose, sir, you mean to say the times are hard 7 " u Cer- 
tainly I do," replied the storekeeper, with care depicted on 
his countenance; " the times are hard, and the world harder, 
and I fear that very few will get out of it alive." 



TO BEE, OR NOT TO BEE. 

An humble-bee be-ing attracted by the odoriferous blos- 
soms on the nose of a toper, alighted thereon for the purpose 
of levying his contribution ; when the individual, not liking to 
part with its sweets, clapped his hands over it in a killing 
humor, exclaiming, with Hamlet, " To be, or not to be ! " 



BARTER. 

"D'Avila, the celebrated writer and soldier, relates that 
'•'at the time of the League, when Paris was besieged, the 
inhabitants trucked over the walls a girl for a sirloin of beef." 
The late Lord Orford very justly observes, "The French 
civil wars often display witP His lordship might have 
added "gallantry " as his favorite Sully attests in many 
places. 

LOUIS xvr. 

Amongst other circumstances related of this prince during 
his stay in the Temple, Clery, his valet-de-chambre, mentions 
that he saw, with great calmness, all his decorations, even 
his knife, taken from him ; but he was very much affected 
when they carried off his fire-shovel, and did not conceal his 
anger. 



310 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A GOOD REASON FOR A BAD CAUSE. 

An eminent counsellor asked M. Langlois why he so 
often undertook bad causes. " Sir," answered the lawyer, 
" I have lost so many good ones, that I am quite at a loss 
which to take." 



THE BEATITUDES. 



A preacher, discoursing on the eight beatitudes, made a 
very long and tedious sermon. A lady pretending that he had 
forgotten one state of bliss, the preacher contended that he 
had not omitted one; when the lady said to him " You did 
not say, Happy are those who do not hear my sermon." 



DECLARATION OF LOVE. 



Eabelais, the facetious divine, laid a wager that he would 
make a declaration of love in the pulpit ; accordingly, he took 
these words for his text, from the Canticles : " It is for you, 
woman, that I die." 



GALLANTRY AND INGENUITY. 



Of all the declarations of love, the most admirable was 
.that which a gentleman made to a young lady, who asked him 
to show her his mistress, when he immediately presented her 
with a mirror. 



GOOD SUBSTITUTE FOR LAW. 



"I defy you," said a stubborn culprit to a justice during 
the civil war; "there is no law now." "Then," said the 
justice gravely to his servants, " if there be no law, bring me 
a rope." The knave instantly knocked under. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 311 

FEAST OR FAMINE. 

Palaprat was a poet and a wit of the Augustan age in 
France (Louis XIV.). He lived in the temple with the 
Grand Prior (the Duke of Yendome), where sometimes he had 
the most sumptuous repasts, and at other times had no dinner 
at all. Palaprat observed, on this, that " In that house he 
should die either of indigestion or inanition." 



ONE TOO MANY. 



M. de Yendome found Palaprat one day beating his ser- 
vant, for which he reproached him warmly. " How, sir, you 
blame me ? " said the poet ; " but know that, although I have 
but one servant. I am as ill attended as you are, who have 

thirty." 

VERACITY. 

Palaprat was secretary to the Duke of Yendome, with 
whom he lived on the most free terms. M. Catinat, who had 
the greatest esteem for him. said to him one day, in embracing 
him, " The freedom with which you let the Grand Prior know 
your opinion upon all occasions makes me tremble for you." 
"Be assured, my friend," replied Palaprat, pleasantly, "it 
is my wages ; his great mind loves truth/' 



*COPY OF AN ADVERTISEMENT IN A DIURNAL PRINT. 

CHALLENGE. 

I, Elizabeth Wilkinson, of Clerkenwell, having had 
some words with Hannah Hyfield, and requiring satisfaction, 
do invite her to meet me on the stage, and box me for three 
guineas, each woman holding half a crown in each hand, and 



312 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

the first woman that drops the money to lose the battle. She 
shall have rare sport. 

ANSWER. 

I, Hannah Hy field, of Newgate Market, hearing of the 
resoluteness of Elizabeth Wilkinson, will not fail, God wil- 
ling, to give her more blows than words. Desiring home- 
blows, and from her no favor, she may expect a good thump- 
ing. 

COUNSELLOR HARWARD. 
Many anecdotes are related of this distinguished barrister. 
A lady, born in the bosom of coquetry, went to him for the 
purpose of recommending a case of law to his management. 
She was ascending a private staircase which led to his 
library. The servant wished to prevent her going up that 
staircase, upon which she exclaimed to the counsellor, who 
said to her, " Excuse him, madam; for if he forbid you to 
go up my private staircase, he certainly did not know you." 



NOBLE SENSE OF DUTY. 
Rotrou was invested with the magistracy of the town of 
Dreux at a time when it was afflicted with an epidemic dis- 
ease. Urged by his Paris friends to save his own life by 
quitting so dangerous a situation, he answered that neither 
honor, conscience nor humanity, woulcf allow him to follow 
this advice, because, under such circumstances, none but him- 
self could preserve the good order of the place. He finished 
his letter in these words : " It is not that the peril in which 
I find myself is not very great, since, at the moment I am 
writing this, the bell tolls for the twenty-second person who 
has been buried to-day ; my turn will come when it pleases 
God." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 813 



EMIGRATION. 



Or all the emigrants. Abbe Maury appears to have had, 
exclusively, understanding or good fortune. It was he, how- 
ever, who put into the heads of the nobles the system of 
emigration the most extravLgant, the most impolitic, the most 
cowardly. It was in consequence of the Abbe Maury's doc- 
uments that the royal family set off in disguise for the fron- 
tier. It is said that the eventual detention of the royal fugi- 
tives was owing to the king's stopping on the road to dine ; 
that he was famished on cutlets, and ate like a carman ! In 
vain did the queen beseech him to adjourn his appetite. He 
arrived too late for the rendezvous of the Marquis de Bouille 
and his regiment. Six men stopped the carriage, and he 
was the first to cry out " Stop ! " It is curious enough that 
the old aunts of the king, as if inspired with the spirit of 
divination, insisted so much on leaving France, that at length 
they accomplished their purpose. They, too, were arrested, 
but they found the means of getting forward. 



THE GOOD OLD "LAPSUS LINGILE." 

A gentleman's servant bringing into the dining-room, 
where the company were all assembled, a nice roasted tongue, 
tripped as he entered the door, and spread the tongue and 
sauce on the carpet. The landlord, with much presence of 
mind, soon relieved the embarrassment of his guests, as well 
as of the servant, by saying, with great good humor, " There's 
no harm done, gentlemen; His merely a lapsus Unguce" 
This fortunate play of words excited much merriment. A 
very sagacious gentleman, struck with the happy effect of the 
above accident, was determined to make a similar exhibition. 
He invited a large party, and, when they were all assembled, 
27 



314 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

he had directed his servant to let fall a piece of roast beef on 
the floor. The servant obeyed his injunctions ; but the com- 
pany felt hurt at the accident. " Be not uneasy, my friends," 
cried the would-be witty landlord; "'tis only a lapsus lin- 



THE FAST-DAY. 



A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in 
a manufactory in the west of England, in order to encourage 
his work-people in a due attendance at church on a fast-day, 
told them that if they went to church they would receive 
their wages for that day, in the same manner as if they had 
been at work. Upon which a deputation was appointed to 
acquaint their employer that, " if he would pay them for over 
hours ) they would attend likewise at the Methodist chapel in 
the evening ! " 

CONTEMPT OF HANOVER. 

The smallness and unimportance of George the First's 
paternal dominions, as compared with the great empire to 
which he acceded, was an unfailing subject of ridicule with 
the Jacobites. They actually appear to have considered Han- 
over as little better than what their songs metaphorically rep- 
resent it to have been, — a mere farm, or lairdship. The late 
Mr. Moir, of Leckie, in Stirlingshire, an enthusiastic Jaco- 
bite, and who had succeeded to that estate by marriage, used 
to take a most ingenious way of expressing his contempt for 
the Electorate. In showing his grounds to people of his own 
way of thinking, he used to point out, from a prominent situ- 
ation, a little farm at the distance of several miles, which had 
formed his patrimony, and from which he had removed on his 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 315 

marriage with the heiress of Leckie. '-'Now, gentlemen/' 
he would say, ''these lands which you have just seen form 
my chief dominions. Yon wee bit over bye, that ye can 
scarcely see, it 's sae little, — yon is my Hanover.''' 

This contempt of Hanover amounted, in some individuals, 
to a perfect loathing or horror for the very word ; and some 
amusing anecdotes are told of their irritability on this partic- 
ular. In the house of a Jacobite family in Fife the conver- 
sation turned one night on a strange deformed dwarf which 
was then exhibited at Edinburgh, and which was said to have 
come from Germany. " Whaur did ye say it comes frae?" 
cried a deaf old gentlewoman, of peculiarly acrimonious feel- 
ings, who had heard the conversation but imperfectly, but 
whose ears were startled at a word which suggested so many 
disagreeable associations. The word was repeated to her by 
some person present; on which her face darkened into a 
frown of horror and disgust, and she turned away, exclaim- 
ing, " Germany! I daur say that's the native kintra of a' 
kinds o' monsters." ' 



STRICT JUSTICE IN OLIVER CROMWELL. 

Don Pantaleon de Saa, brother to the Portuguese am- 
bassador, being full of his own exploits as a soldier, and of 
his high quality, resented an affront which he imagined had 
been offered him at the Royal Exchange, by ordering his ser- 
vants to his assistance ; and, after wounding several persons, 
Mr. Jjrreenway, an English gentleman, who was innocent of 
the fact, was shot dead. After the commitment of the mur- 
der, the Portuguese thought to elude the ordinary officers of 
justice by returning to and barricading themselves in the 
Portuguese ambassador's house, which they threatened to 
defend against all attempts to take them ; but the fact being 



316 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

notorious, Colonel Whaley invested the house by a party of 
horse. Upon this, the ambassador ordered his domestics to 
their arms, and sent to complain to Cromwell of the breach 
of the law of nations. Cromwell, with great magnanimity, 
answered that justice must be done, and that blood must be 
satisfied with blood. All the foreign ambassadors in and 
about London interested themselves in the matter, not being 
able to conceive that a man of quality, an ambassador's 
brother, and a knight of Malta, ought to be questioned for 
the murder of a mechanic, — for so they esteemed an English 
gentleman to be ; but all remonstrances to Cromwell were 
ineffectual, and the ambassador's brother was tried, con- 
demned, and publicly executed, for the murder. 



"Mr. Temple Stanton," says Dr. Birch, "on some exi- 
gency, borrowed a sum of money of Mr. Addison, with whom 
he lived on terms of intimacy and friendship, conversing on 
all subjects with equal freedom. But from this time he 
agreed implicitly to everything Addison advanced, and never, 
as formerly, disputed his positions. This change of behavior 
did not long escape the notice of so accurate an observer, to 
whom it w T as by no means agreeable. It happened one day 
that a subject was started on which they had before contro- 
verted ; but now Mr. Stanyon entirely acquiesced in Mr. Ad- 
dison's opinion, without offering one word in defence of his 
own. Addison was displeased, and vented his displeasure by 
saying, with some emotion, ' Sir, either contradict me, or pay 
me my money.' " 



An orator began a speech with promising that he should 
divide the subject he was about to treat of into thirteen 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 317 

heads. The audience began to murmur, and to interrupt 
this formidable beginning. "But," continued the orator, c; to 
prevent my being too prolix, I shall omit a dozen of them." 



Ax Italian, who was very much addicted to gaming, and 
was both very poor and very unlucky, used to exclaim, " For- 
tune, thou vile traitress ! it is true you can make me lose, but 
you cannot make me pay." 



A mistress of a boarding-school at Chelsea, who was very 
red-faced, taxing one of her scholars with some faults, the 
young lady denied it, but colored at the accusation. " Nay," 
says the mistress, " I am sure it must be true, for you blush." 
" Pardon me, madam," says she, "it is only the reflection 
of your face." 



Politiax, who was one of the first scholars and poets of 
the splendid era of the Italian Medici, complains in the fol- 
lowing terms of the vexations to which men of genius are 
liable from the impertinence of those insects who buzz about 
the blaze of intellect: " Does any want a motto for the 
hilt of his sword, or a posy for a ring,— a memento for his 
bed-chamber, or a device for his silver vessels, or even his 
earthen ware, — all run to Politian. : 



5? 



The early conductors of the press used to affix to the end 
of the volumes which they printed some device or couplet 
concerning the book, with the addition of the name of the 
printer, and also the name of the corrector. In the edition 

27* 



318 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

of the u Pragmatic Sanction/' by Andrew Bocard, at Paris, 
the following curious couplet is found : 

" Stet, liber hie donee fiuctus formica marinos, 
Elibat ; et totum testado perambulet orbem." 

IMITATED. 

" May this volume continue in motion, 
And its pages each day be unfurled, 
Till an ant to its dregs drinks the ocean, 

Or a tortoise hath crawled round the world." 



CONVERSATION. 

It was a rule with Dr. Jonathan Swift " never to speak 
more than a minute at a time, and to wait for others to take 
up the conversation." 

MUSIC. 

Dr. John Stanley was blind from his infancy. He was 
a very eminent performer and composer of music. Of his 
scientific knowledge the following anecdote is a proof. It is 
related by Dr. Alcock, his pupil. ' ' Most of the musicians 
contrived all methods to get acquainted with him, as they 
found their advantage in it. It was common, just as the ser- 
vice of St. Andrew's Church was ended, to see forty or fifty 
organists at the altar waiting to hear his last voluntary, — 
even Mr. Handel himself." 



It was shrewdly said, of a notorious parasite and calumni- 
ator, ." That fellow never opens his mouth but at somebody's 
expense." 

When a cat drinks rum, you may look out for a rum-pus. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 319 



TOWER OF BABEL. 



The Abbe Raynal, at a very early period of the conti- 
nental disorders, expressed himself in the following energetic 
manner : " The great misfortune of our proceeding is, the 
having invited the multitude, without previous preparation, 
to mingle themselves in political matters ; and suffered 
political mountebanks to persuade them that they were wise 
enough to comprehend everything. The deluded people 
is, and always will be, the first step on which the ambitious 
*have, and ever will, place their foot to raise themselves 
to the summit. The art of writing is the first of all arts : 
its influence is great, vast and durable, and this is the rea- 
son why it ought to impose bounds on itself. The ancient 
emblem of the chariot, which badly driven set the world on 
fire, finds here its just application." 



Men form their opinions of circumstances of every sort, 
even the weather being good or bad, from the particular 
relation those circumstances have to their own situations. A 
shoe-black meeting a hackney-coachman on a very fine sun- 
shining day, in the middle of November, accosted him with, 
-" All 's bad still, Tom ; all ? s bad yet, for you and I ; here "s 
another of these blasted fine days ! " 



The more true merit a man has, the more does he applaud 
it mothers. 

A man who is not ashamed of himself need not be ashamed 
of his early condition in life. 

Death, once seen at our hearth, leaveth a shadow which 
abideth there forever. 



320 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Henley's audience at his oratory was generally composed 
of the lowest orders : he once attracted together an immense 
number of shoemakers, by advertising " that on the following 
Saturday he would lay open to the public a mode by which a 
pair of shoes might be made in four minutes, and demonstrate 
the ease and certainty of this new method, by performing it 
in the face of the audience" He did so, — by producing a 
pair of boots, and cutting the feet off ! 



Have not thy cloak .to make when it begins to rain. 

Truth itself becomes falsehood if it is presented in any 
other than its right relations. There is no truth but the 
" whole truth." 

It is delightful to rekindle smiles on an infantile counte- 
nance. Grief is out of place where even reflection has left 
no trace. 

Learning, it is said, may be an instrument of fraud ; so 
may bread, if discharged from the mouth of a cannon, be an 
instrument of death. 

Labor has its sages, though they dispense with an acad- 
emy, and its kings, though they are not invested with purple. 



OLD MAIDS. 



A sprightly writer expresses his opinion of old maids in 
the following manner : — " I am inclined to believe that 
many of the satirical aspersions cast upon old maids tell more 
to their credit than is generally imagined. Is a woman re- 
markably neat in her person? — l she will certainly die an old 
maid.' Is she frugal in her expenses, and exact in her 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 321 

domestic concerns J — * she is cut out for an old maid.' And 
if she is kind and humane to the animals about her, nothing 
can save her from the appellation of an ' old maid.' In short, 
I have always found that neatness, modesty, economy and 
humanity, are the never-failing characteristics of an : old 
maid." " ; 

A little girl, being at dinner with a large party, and fear- 
ing she had been forgotten to be helped, crumbled some bread 

on her plate, and. at the same time, said to a boiled chicken 
near her, ;; Biddy, biddy, come biddy, come ! ' : 



DISCRETION. 



" Doctor, do you think I have arrived at the years of 
discretion ]"' i: No, miss, nor do I think you ever will." 



Deax SWIFT vras once travelling through one of the rural 
parishes, some leagues from London, and, introducing himself 
to the parson as a member of the same profession, vras invited 
to partake of his fraternal hospitalities. The dean con- 
sented, and accompanied the parson to his church the next 
morning. And there the dean had the satisfaction of hearing 
one of his own sermons preached by an ignorant i: Bible- 
bang^r.** without a word of acknowledgment. When the 
services were over, the dean asked the preacher how long it 
took him to write such a sermon. - 0." said the minister, 
••I wrote that sermon in about two hours. "Did you, 

leed?" said the dean in reply. "Why 3 it took me over 
two months to write that very sermon ! " 



322 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



SINGULAR MALAPROPOS. 



A gentleman sitting in one of the boxes in company with 
the late Lord North, not knowing his lordship, entered into 
conversation with him, and, seeing two ladies come into an 
opposite box, turned to him, and addressed him with, " Pray, 
sir, can you inform me who is that ugly woman that is just 
come in? 77 "0," replied his lordship, with great good 
humor, " that is my wife." " Sir. I ask you ten thousand 
pardons ; I do not mean her, — I mean that shocking monster 
who is along with her." "That," replied his lordship, "is 
my daughter" 

HIT OR MISS. 

John Bunyan, well known as the author of the admired 
allegory of the Pilgrim's Progress, entered into the Parlia- 
ment army in 1645. He was drawn out to stand sentinel at 
the siege of Leicester ; but, another soldier desiring to take 
his place, and Bunyan to stand his two hours in turn, he com- 
plied with the request, and by this piece of complaisance pre- 
served his life, his comrade being shot a few minutes after 
with a musket-ball. 



AS DEEP IN THE MUD AS I WAS IN THE MIRE. 

A country gentleman, who had been out with Montrose, 
retiring to his own parish after the war was done, was taken 
through hands by the Presbyterian clergyman of the place, 
and ordained to sit for a certain time on the cutty-stool, as a 
penance for his dreadful offence. " Ye should set my mare 
there, too, man," cried the intractable cavalier to the clergy- 
man who delivered the sentence; "I'll be hanged if she 
wasna as deep i' the mud as I was i J the mire ! " 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 323 



KEEPING ONE'S BED. 



A drunken fellow, to maintain himself at his pot having 
sold all his goods except his feather-bed, at last made away 
with that too ; when, being reproved for it by some of his 
friends. "Why," said he, "I am very well, thank God, and 
why should I keep my bed? " 



A WARLIKE PRELATE. 

Richard II., on the Pope's reclaiming, as a son of the 
church, a bishop he had taken prisoner in battle, sent him the 
prelate's coat of mail, and, in the words of Scripture, asked 
him, { * Know whether this be thy son's coat or no? " 



In an omnibus, the other day, a little girl not more than 
seven years of age asked an old gentleman li if he would be 
her father. 7 ' A look of surprise was the reply. " 0," said 
the precocious miss, *' : don't you know, if you'll be my father 
till the fares are collected, I shall get off for half-price ? " 



A CURE EOR BAD POETRY. 



A physician at Bath told Foote he had a mind to publish 
his own poems, but he had so many irons in the fire he did 
not well know what to do. " Then take my advice, doctor," 
said Joote. " and put your poems where your irons are." 



OLD ACQUAINTANCE. 
Lord Kaimes, in one of his circuits as a Lord of Justiciary 
in Scotland, having crossed the ferry to Kinghorn, the boat- 



324 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

man, to his lordship's surprise, refused to take any money for 
the service he had rendered him, in consequence of their bein^ 
old acquaintances. On being desired to explain, the boatman 
observed that his name was Tom Clark, and that he and his 
wife Bet had both been tried for sheep-stealing, and, if it had 
not been for his lordship's jaw, both Bet and himself had 
either been hanged or transported. His lordship, smiling, 
bade him be more honest in future, as the consequence might 
be fatal to him, should their acquaintance ever be renewed. 



A braggadocio swore that he met with two great enemies 
at one time, and he tossed one so high in the air, that, if he 
had had a baker's basket full of bread, he would have starved 
in the fall ; and the other he struck so deep into the earth 
that he left nothing to be seen but his head and one arm, to 
pull his hat off to thank him. 



Lord H., who was very much addicted to the bottle, sitting 
with Foote previous to a masquerade night, asked him what 
new character he ought to appear in. " New character ! " 
said the other, pausing for some time, — " suppose you go 
sober, my lord." 



A Gascon received a severe flogging with a cudgel, with- 
out daring to resist. A few days afterwards he met with a 
poet who had lampooned him severely. "Pardieu!" says 
he, " if you ever dare to make free with me again, I will give 
you a severe cudgelling." "You can readily afford to give 
it now," replies the other, "as you received so large a stock 
the other day." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 325 

LAST WORDS OF KING CHARLES II. 

Were the expressions of a man who regretted to part with 
his life, for the sake of its pleasures, — u Faites ouvrier les 
rideaaX) d fin que je voy encore lejour" — " Open the cur- 
tains, that I may once more see the light of the sun." 



A Dublin paper contains the following paragraph : " Yes- 
terday, Mr. Kenny, returning to town, fell down and broke 
his neck, but happily received no further damage" 



A certain bruising parson having been examined as a 
witness in the Court of King's Bench, the adverse counsel 
attempted to browbeat him. " I think you are the bruising 
parson," said he. "lam," says the divine; " and, if you 
doubt it, I will give it you under my hand" 



NEW WARK AND OLD WARK. 

The old Presbyterian general, David Leslie, it is well 
known, chose, at the Restoration, to repent of all the deeds of 
his youth, and express himself a sound and zealous loyalist. 
Charles II., it is also well known, made him a peer, under 
the title of Lord Newark. A loyalist of older standing, and 
who had, perhaps, experienced some sound blows from Les- 
lie Vtroopers in his younger days, is said to have remonstrated 
with the king upon a proceeding which showed so much dis- 
respect for his old friends. " By my soul," said this bold 
cavalier, " instead of raising him to the peerage for his new 
wark, there wad ha' been mair justice if your majesty had 
raised him to the gallows for his auld wark." 
28 



826 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

EARL OF R . 

The Earl of R , eighty years ago, was so weak in his 

mind, or rather so unmanageable, that his relations had to 
confine him in the Canongate jail, there being then no other 
asylum for the reception of lunatics at Edinburgh. Some 
English officers belonging to the Duke of Cumberland's army 
happening to visit the prison, and being informed that it had 
no less distinguished a tenant than an earl, asked his lord- 
ship, in much surprise, how he got into such a place as this. 
" 'Deed, gentlemen," replied the lunatic, whose mind, like 
that of other idiots, occasionally gave forth strange flashes of 
wit, as the darkest nights are illuminated by the brightest 
lightning, " I got in here in somewhat the same manner that 
you got into the army,— less by my ain deserts than by the 
interest of my friends." 



A pragmatical coxcomb, passing along a narrow street, 
met a corpse that was carrying upon men's shoulders, in order 
to be interred, and for some time refused to give way to the 
corpse. "Pray, sir," said one of the bearers, "'don't grum- 
ble to give way to your betters, for the person here enclosed 
is now a companion for a king." 



ENGRAVING — JOHN KEYSE SHERWIN. 

The matchless engravings of " Christ and Mary in the 
Garden," " Christ bearing the Cross," and " The Finding of 
Moses," are generally known, but not so the singular intro- 
duction of Mr. Sherwin to that fine art in which he so ex- 
celled. The following anecdote may be relied on: Mr. S. 
was. till the age of nineteen, employed in the laborious occu- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 327 

pation of cutting wood on the estate of Mr. Mitford, in Sus- 
sex. Being one day in the house of that gentleman, and 
being also admitted into the room where some of the family 
were amusing themselves with drawing, Mr. Mitford thought 
he saw the young man view the process in a very attentive 
manner, and asked young Sherwin if he could do anything in 
that way. The youth answered that " he could not tell, but 
should like to try." Mr. Mitford gave him the port-crayon, 
when, although his hands were callous with hard labor, he 
produced a drawing which astonished not only all who were 
present, but the Society of Arts, to whom it was presented 
by Mr. Mitford; and the society 7 s silver medal was voted to 
him on that occasion. 



HAMILTON, OF KILBRACKMONT. 

Robert Hamilton, of Kilbrackmont, in Fife, who died 
about thirty years ago,, was emphatically a "good hater." 
He was one day paying a visit to the Thirdpart House, in the 
east of Fife, where the Honorable Misses Murray, daughters 
of Viscount Stormont, and sisters of the Earl of Mansfield, 
resided, — ladies who had originally been enthusiastic Jaco- 
bites (insomuch that one of them made down Prince Charles' 
bed, in her father's house at Perth, with her own hands), but 
who now considered it necessary to treat with respect the 
sovereign under whom their brother bore so distinguished an 
office. The room was hung with pictures of the royal family, 
which had been sent to them by their illustrious kinsman ; 
and Miss Nicky could not help pointing out these conspicuous 
ornaments to Mr. Hamilton. Some conversation ensued 
regarding them, during which she frequently termed the orig- 
inals " the people above." Kilbrackmont, at length tired 



828 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

beyond all patience by the nature of the conversation, and, in 
particular, by hearing that adulatory phrase so often repeated, 
burst out with, " People above, Miss Nicky ! What wad I 
care though they were a' up the lum? " and flung out of the 
room in an agony of Jacobite passion. 

Old Kilbrackmont is said to have been a complete specimen 
of the ancient Jacobite humorist. He had been out at the 
Forty-five, and, by a long course of hard living, the result, 
probably, of disappointed hopes, personal and political, became 
latterly very poor. Such, however, was the natural buoyancy 
of his spirits, that in no circumstances did he ever lose the 
power of creating or enjoying a joke. He was one night 
lying in his old, solitary, half-desolate mansion-house, when a 
band of youthful depredators entered by the window, and 
began to rummage for spoil through a dilapidated chest of 
drawers which stood in his bed-room. The good old man, not 
in the least degree alarmed about his property, leaned quietly 
over the bed, and addressed the robbers in these words : 
" Haud ye busy, lads ! haud ye busy ! An' ye find ony thing 
there i' the dark, it's mair than I can do in the daylicht." 



An ignorant fellow, seeing several persons reading with 
spectacles, went to buy a pair to enable him to read. He 
tried several, and told the maker they would not answer, as 
he could not read with them. " Can you read at all?" asked 
the other. " No," says he; "if I could, do you think] 
would be such a fool as to buy spectacles ? " 



Among the singers at Dublin was a Miss Cheese, who, 
observed a punning critic, was a mity fine performer. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 829 

One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster in Ire- 
land, coming into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a 
hand to pull off his great-coat. " Indeed, sir," said he, "I 
dare not." " Dare not ! " replied the other ; " what do you 
mean by that?" "You know, sir," answered he, "there is 
an act of Parliament against stripping of ash." 



COURT OF GOOD SAYINGS. 

Actions without number were the consequence of the 
Athenian rage for inventing and applying satirical epithets. 
In these cases there remained an appeal to the Court of Good 
Sayings, established at Diomeia, and denouncing the aggress- 
or as a composer of wicked jests. 



HOW TO LIVE LONG. 



The philosophers of Greece often lived during an entire cen- 
tury, and the torch of genius which lighted them to the tomb 
was more brilliant than that of ordinary men, even in the vigor 
of youth. Theophrastus, at the age of ninety-nine years, com- 
posed his characters. Were it not for such a confession from 
himself, they might be taken for the production of a young 
man full of gayety and fancy, for they exhibit a tone of 
humor which baffles every attempt to imitate them in the 
different languages of Europe, 



A poet, being censured for quitting his lodgings somewhat 
abruptly, w T as told he ought to be ashamed of thus running 
away. "Pshaw!" replied the bard; "we poets must be 
indulged in our flights." 

28* 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



CATHOLIC AND PROTESTANT. 



A Catholic asked a Protestant where his religion was 
before the time of Luther. "Where was your face this 
morning," said the Protestant, "before it was washed?" 

Another Protestant, being asked the same question by 
another Catholic, answered, " In the Bible, where yours never 



Henry IV. enacted some sumptuary laws, prohibiting the 
use of gold and jewels in dress ; but they were for some time 
ineffectual. He passed a supplement to them, which com- 
pletely answered his purpose. In this last he exempted from 
the prohibitions of the former, after one month, all prostitutes 
and pickpockets. Next day there was not a jewel nor golden 
ornament to be seen. 



WIT IN THE ELEVENTH CENTURY. 

William the Conqueror, being sick, long kept his cham- 
ber; whereat the French king, scoffing, said, "The King of 
England lies long in child-bed." When William heard this, 
he said, " When I am churched, there shall be a thousand 
lights in France." He made good what he said, by wasting 
the French frontiers with fire and sword. 



A Gascon was vaunting one day that in his travels he had 
been caressed wherever he went, and had seen all the great 
men throughout Europe. "Have you seen the Darda- 
nelles?" said one of the company. " Parbleu ! " said he ; 
" I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them 
several times." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 331 

ELEGANCE BY ACCIDENT. 

The following curious anecdote is told of Lady Wallace, 
finned in her maiden days as Miss Eglintoune Maxwell of 
Monteith, and the sister of the Duchess of Gordon. The 
young lady's family was about to attend the races at Leith, 
and the coach was just at the stair-foot, ready to take them 
away, when it was discovered that Miss Eglintoune was not 
ready, on account of wanting her head-dress, which she was 
expecting her milliner to appear with every moment. It so 
happened that, as the milliner was coming along the street 
with the dress in her hand, she permitted some part of it to 
catch the knee-buckle of a street porter, by which it was torn, 
and, as she thought, completely spoiled. However, she took it 
to Miss Eglintoune, and told her the story, with many protest- 
ations of regret. The volatile young lady took the dress from 
her hands, and, running to her glass, proceeded to put it on, 
torn as it w T as. only arranging it upon her head in such a w r ay 
as to conceal the misfortune. She then joined her friends in 
the carriage, and at Leith, attracting, as usual, much atten- 
tion, the ladies, instead of ridiculing the aw T kward appearance 
of her cap, admired it exceedingly, and came back to Edin- 
burgh, full cry, in the afternoon, to get caps of the same 
description. Of course, it was soon known that it w r as the 
manufacture of the milliner, who forthwith was completely* 
overwhelmed with orders for similar caps ; and, we believe, 
w T as obliged to tear them with a nail in her counter, in order 
to complete their resemblance to the original. 



Dr. Johnson, once speaking of a quarrelsome fellow, said, 
'•If he had two ideas in his head, they would fall out with 
each other." 



332 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

MARGARET OF WALDEMAR. 

When the leading nobility and gentry of- Sweden applied 
to her for protection and aid, the queen held them Ion a- in 
suspense ; at length they stood in the dilemma, either to 
renounce her aid, or to purchase it at her own price. The 
queen, after a while, pulled off the mask, declaring that, 
" Since she exposed her own crown to the issue of a doubtful 
war, it was but just she should have the prospect of an addi- 
tional kingdom." 



The proud Duke of Somerset employed Seymour, the cele- 
brated painter, to make some portraits of his running horses ; 
one day, at dinner, he drank to him with a disdainful sneer, 
— " Cousin Seymour, your health." The artist modestly 
replied, " I really believe that I have the honor to be of your 
grace's family." The fiery duke immediately arose from table, 
and sent his servant to pay and dismiss Seymour. Another 
painter was then sent for, who, finding himself unworthy to 
finish Seymour's work, honestly told the duke so. On this 
the haughty peer condescended once more to summon his 
cousin. The high-minded and independent artist answered 
his mandate in these words : "My lord, I shall now prove 
,that I am now of your grace's family, for I will not come." 



A popinjay is a creature formed somewhat like a man, 
upon which pretty clothes are hung, for the edification of the 
public. He may sometimes be seen by the side of a lady, 
her reticule hanging on one arm, and the popinjay on the 
other. Sometimes he ornaments the wing of a theatre, and 
not unfrequently graces the sheep-pen in a court of justice. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 333 

EXTEMPORE LINES BY LORD CHESTERFIELD. 

Lord Chesterfield, on viewing Lady M , a reputed 

Jacobite, adorned with Orange ribands at the anniversary ball, 
at Dublin, in memory of King William, thus addressed her, 
extempore : 

" Thou little Tory, where 's the jest 
To wear those ribands in thy breast, 
When that breast, betraying, shows 
The whiteness of the rebel rose ? " 



A runaway thief having applied for work to a blacksmith, 
the latter showed him some handcuffs, and desired to know if 
he ever made any of them. " Why, yes, sir," said the 
other, scratching his head; " I have had a hand in them." 



Dr. Johnson would have been immortal had he only 
written this sentence, which should be inserted in the blank 
page of every young person's Bible. " Life, to be worthy of 
a rational being, must always be in progression. We must 
always purpose to do more and better than in times past. 
The mind is enlarged and elevated by more purposes, though 
they end as they begin, by airy contemplation. We compare 
and judge, though we do not practise." 



A certain lady of unsuspected conjugal fidelity towards a 
husband to whom she had borne six children gave the name 
of Gratis to a daughter with which she was favored a few 
years after his decease. A person, remarking upon the 
incident, observed that, however some might reflect on the 



334 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

widow, for his part he thought her exculpable ; that, in his 
idea, having subscribed and faithfully accounted for six, she 
was undoubtedly entitled to the seventh gratis. 



BON MOT OF NELSON. 
Lord Nelson was as decided and animated in his inter- 
course with his friends as with the enemies of his country. 
Captain Berry had served with him in the unfortunate affair 
of Teneriffe; and, on their return to England, accompanied 
him to St. James'. The king, with his accustomed suavity, 
lamented the gallant admiral's wounds. " You have lost your 
right arm," observed his majesty. " But not my right hand," 
replied the other, "as I have the honor of presenting Captain 
Berry to your majesty." 



One of a coroner's jury upon the body of a man who had 
drowned himself was asked what the verdict was. " Feb de 
se," was the reply. " Fell into the sea ! " said the inquirer ; 
" why, it was well known he jumped in." 



A beautiful form is better than a beautiful face; a 
beautiful behavior is better than a beautiful form. It gives a 
higher pleasure than statues or pictures ; it is the finest of the 
fine arts. 

Friendship is more firmly secured by lenity towards fail- 
ings than by attachment to excellences. The former is 
valued as a kindness which cannot be claimed ; the latter is 
exacted as the payment of a debt to merit. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 335 

ANECDOTE OF QUIN. 
Dining, one day, at a party in Bath, Quin uttered some- 
thing which caused a general murmur of delight. A noble- 
man present, who was not illustrious for the brilliancy of his 
ideas, exclaimed, "What a pity 'tis, Quin, my boy, that a 
clever fellow like you should be a player ! " Quin fixed and 
flashed his eye upon the person, with this reply: "What 
would your lordship have me be ? — a lord ? " 



A learned counsellor, in the middle of an affecting appeal 
in court on a slander suit, let fly the following flight of genius : 
" Slander, gentlemen, like a boa constrictor of gigantic size 
and immeasurable proportions, wraps the coil of its unwueldy 
body about its unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks 
of agony that come from the inmost depths of the victim's 
soul, loud and reverberating as the mighty thunder that rolls 
in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky neck against the 
iron wheel of public opinion, forcing him to desperation, then 
to madness, and finally crushing him in the hideous jaw T S of 
moral death. — Judge, give us a chaw of tobacco ! " 



In the county of S- , in the Old North State, there 

was a good, honest-hearted old man, named Mitchell, who six 
days in the week hammered iron on his anvil, and on the 
seventh hammered the gospel on the pulpit. One warm 
Sunday morning, after the introductory exercises of religious 
worship, he threw off his coat and rolled up his shirt-sleeves, 
and commenced his discourse with the following unique exor- 
dium : " Now T , my beloved brethren and friends, old Mitchell 
reckons he ? s goiir to make a chain to chain the devil." 



336 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

SIMPLICITY. 

In the monastery of St. Firmin, in Paris, almost all the 
priests who were confined were massacred. Henriot (after- 
wards executed with Robespierre) did not leave the house until 
there were no more murders to be committed. When he went 
out of the gate he was half naked, covered with blood, and his 
sabre in his hand. One of the unfortunate priests, who, being 
in the privy, kept himself concealed, when called to come 
down, owed his life to these words : "I am going down to 
you, citizens; I am making haste." The simplicity of this 
resignation caused him to be forgotten. 



A gentleman in the borough of Norfolk, Va., not long 
since, having occasion to visit the apartment occupied by his 
own servants, discovered among the effects of a favorite old 
maid a pile of funeral cards, amounting to some dozens ; 
which, upon examining, he found to be those which had been 
sent to the family at various times on the death of an acquaint- 
ance, extending back for a number of years. On inquiring 
of Molly what she was going to do with these funeral cards, 
the good old woman answered: " Why, massa, I'se expected 
to die myself, 'fore long, and I has laid these up to send to 
my friends to come to de funeral." 



A school exercise was given to a student at Westminster 
school ; the word was Saratoga. On which he immediately 
wrote an epigrammatic couplet in Latin, of which the following 
is a translation : 

" Burgoyne, alas ! unknowing future fates, 

Could force his way through Woods, but not through Gates." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 837 



LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE. 



A weaver, who lived in a village in Ayrshire, and who 
occupied every Sunday a conspicuous bottom-room in the 
front, laft of the parish church, was a shameless votary of 
Morpheus. Day after day, for years, John Thamson reg- 
ularly laid his head upon the book-board at the reading out 
of the text, and there did he sleep, yea, sometimes snore, till 
the conclusion of the discourse. John seemed to think tho 
text all that was truly necessary ; he " dreamed the rest." 
This at length became intolerably annoying to the clergyman, 
and two elders were sent to remonstrate with him on the ex- 
ceeding sinfulness of his behavior. " I canna help it, sirs," 
said John. " I 'm a hard-working man a' the week, but 
Sabbath ; and though I like the kirk and the minister weel 
eneuch, unless ye ca' my head off, I canna keep my een 
open." "Weel, John," said the remonstrants, "if ye idM 
allow Satan to exerceese his power over you in this dorming, 
dwamming way, in the very kirk itsell, what gars ye sit in 
the front laft, where a' body amaist sees you ? Can ye no 
tak a back seat, where your sin micht be less seen and 
heard?" " Tak a back seat!" exclaimed John; " na, na, 
I '11 never quit my cozie corner. My father, my grandfather, 
and my great-grandfather, a' sat there ; and there sit will 
John, come o 't what will ! " This remonstrance being found 
ineffectual, the minister resolved upon the desperate measure 
of affronting John out of his truly antichristian practice, by 
rebuki»g him before the congregation, and while he was in the 
very act. Little, however, did he know the principle of resist- 
ance which glowed within the bosom of the drowsy wabster. 
Next Sunday forenoon, as soon as John had, as usual, sunk 
into slumber upon the desk, and fairly begun his serenade, he 
cried, " Sit up, John Thamson ! " "I 'm no sleeping, sir," 
29 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



quoth John. " 0, John, John ! can you tell me what I said 
last 1 " " Ouj ay, sir ; ye said, l Sit up, John Thamson ! ' 



BIGID INTEGRITY. 



A native of Corsica being condemed to die, his nephew, 
accompanied with a lady of distinction, waited upon General 
Paoli to solicit his pardon ; and, advancing towards the gen- 
eral (whose humanity and prudence is so much applauded by 
Mr. Boswell in his history of Corsica), said, with the deepest 
concern, " May I beg the life of my uncle 1 If it is granted, 
his relations will make a gift to the state of a thousand 
sechims. We will furnish fifty soldiers in pay during the 
siege of Furiani ; we will agree that my uncle shall be ban- 
ished, and will engage that he shall never return to the 
island." The governor, knowing the nephew to be a man 
of worth, answered, " You are acquainted with the circum- 
stances of this case. Such is my confidence in you, that if 
you will say that giving your uncle a pardon would be just, 
useful or honorable, for Corsica, I promise you it shall be 
granted." The nephew, turning about, and bursting into 
tears, left him, saying, "I would not have the honor of my 
country sold for a thousand sechims;" and his unfortunate 
uncle suffered. 



CONTESTATION OF TEXTS. 

When John, the Duke of Anjou, advanced towards Naples 
at the head of an army, to invade that city, he placed upon 
his colors these words : " A man was sent whose name was 
John." Alphonso of Arragon, who defended the city, an- 
swered him by this other passage, from the same place, and 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 339 

which he caused to be inscribed on his colors : " He came, 
and they received him not." 



A JEST, NEXT TO NO JEST. 

Richard Owen Cambridge, Esq.. who long enjoyed the 
otium cum dignitare with literature and literary men. wrote 
some papers in " The World," a periodical ^vell known. Be- 
ing one Sunday after church, during the progress of the 
above publication, Mrs. Cambridge observed him to be re- 
markably silent and thoughtful ; and, being apprehensive he 
had something on his mind rather disagreeable, asked him 
what he was thinking of. "Upon a very important subject, 
indeed, my dear,*' said he; "I am thinking of the next 
1 World/* n 



FAR OWER DEAR. 

A gentleman who had taken the right of shooting over a 
moor in Ayrshire, at a high rent, on the 12th of August 
bagged only two brace. After counting the price, he grum- 
blingly remarked to the tenant of the moor that the birds had 
cost him two guineas the brace. The tenant very innocently 
replied, '■' Aweel, sir, ye may be thankfu' ye hae gotten sae 
few o' them ; for they 're far ower dear.'' 



A^witty moralist used to say of taverns that they were 
places where men sold madness by the bottle. 



A stone-mason was employed to engrave the following 
epitaph on a tradesman's wife: "A virtuous woman is a 



840 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

crown to her husband." The stone, however, being narrow, 
he contracted the sentence in the following manner : " A vir- 
tuous w r oman is 5$. to her husband." 



MR THOM OF GO VAN. 

The anecdotes of this eccentric clergyman are endless. He 
w T as fond of horses, and usually kept a good one. A favorite, 
called Lion, died in consequence of having galloped thirty- 
five miles to enable his master to be present at the placing 
of a clergyman. Next morning, Mr. Thom, when looking 
out at his window, saw the bellman running up to the door 
of the manse. " Weel, John," he thus addressed the tin- 
tinnabulator, " you ' re unco early asteer; is there ony thing 
wrang? " " Wrang ! ay, truly, there 's muckle w r rang," an- 
swered the man. "Ay, ay, what is't, John?" " Lion's 
dead, sir!" "Is Lion dead, John?" replied Mr. Thorn; 
"what a pity that ae puir beast should be killed placing 
anither ! " 



A certain married lady, after having staid out all night, 
inquired, with affectionate solicitude, "My dear, how do you 
find your head this morning ? " 



A gentleman once observing that a person famous in the 
musical line led a very abandoned life, "Ay," replied a 
wag, " the w T hole tenor of his life has been base." ' 



In a German advertisement for the sale of the machinery 
of a theatre is an " N. B. To be sold at the same time, thir- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 341 

ty-two good, substantial old ghosts, with a very fine new 
devil, — a striking likeness of Bonaparte. 77 



BOMB PROOF. 



While Charles XII., King of Sweden, was one day dic- 
tating letters to his secretary, a bomb fell through the roof 
of the house into the adjoining room, when the secretary 
dropped his pen in a fright. " What is the matter?" said 
Charles. . " 0, the bomb ! 77 replied he. " The bomb ! 77 says 
the king, " what have we to do with the bomb 7 — go on. 77 



Captain Underwood, of the East India Company 7 s 
service, who was supposed not to be very fond of the war 
with Tippoo, having obtained permission to take a trip to sea, 
for the benefit of his health, asked the captain of the vessel 
whether, in case of his being drowned, he would write an 
epitaph on him. The other said Yes, and repeated extem- 
pore the following : 

" Here lies, escaped from blood and slaughter, 
Once Underwood, now underwater." 



A person asked an Irishman why he wore his stockings 
the wrong side outwards ; who answered, because there was a 
hole^on the other side. 



A poor Irishman was brought before a magistrate as a 
common vagrant. The justice asked him what brought him 
over to this country. "A ship, your honor. 77 "A ship, 

29* 



342 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

you impertinent fellow! How do you get your living?" 
"By my hands, your honor; I am a hay-maker. " "And 
how long have you been out of employ?" "Plase your 
honor, our trade has been rather dull all this winter." 



PATIENCE. 



A fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge, on the eve of 
his departure from the university, preached at St. Mary's, 
upon these words : " Have patience with me, and I will pay 
you all ; " and, owing a great sum of money in the town, 
enlarged mightily on the first part of the text, " Have pa- 
tience," &c. " Now," says he, "I should come to the second 
part, — - c and I will pay you all ; J but, having pressed too long 
on your patience, I must leave that till the next opportunity, 
— so pray have patience with me!" 



NO BAD EXCHANGE. 



"How are you, this morning?" said lawcett to Cooke. 
" Not at all myself," says the tragedian. " Then, I congrat- 
ulate you," replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever else you will, 
you will be a gainer by the bargain." 



It is a melancholy fact, that since sprigged muslins have 
become fashionable our ladies are not so spotless as formerly. 



To be perfectly resigned, in the whole life and its every 
desire, to the will and governance of the Divine Providence, is 
a worship most pleasing in the sight of the Lord. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 343 

DUKE OF HARCOURT. 

This nobleman, suspecting Caylus was endeavoring to 
supplant him in the affections of a lady, sent the count a chal- 
lenge, which the latter, with a view to some testamentary 
arrangements, wished to defer till next day. This the duke 
flatly refused. "I will fight," said he, " immediately. I 
only fight because I love the young lady now ; how do I 
know if I shall love her to-morrow ? " 



DREAMS. 



A gentleman of considerable talents, but extremely at- 
tentive to the augury of dreams, relating a very tedious 
dream which Jie had the preceding night, "Let us awaken 
him," said Mrs. Piozzi, "for his dream has almost put us to 
sleep." 

PAINTERS. 

A friend undertook to dissuade Dominochino from bestow- 
ing so much time upon his works. " You do not know, then," 
said he, "'that I have a master very difficult to please?" 
"Who?" "Myself." 



CANDOR, 



Lord Lyttelton asked of a clergyman in the country 
the use of his pulpit for a young man he had brought down 
with him. " I really know not," said the parson, " how to 
refuse your lordship ; yet, if the young gentleman preach 
better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me 
afterwards ; and if he preach worse, I don't think he is fit 
to preach at all." 



344 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

•- 

ANDERSON AND THE BANK RECEIVER. 

During the sojourn of the professor in the Quaker city, 
he used one of the banks for his deposits. One day he wsnt 
to the bank to deposit a large amount. It was principally in 
twenty and ten dollar gold pieces, and was handed in in pack- 
ages of five hundred each. The receiver, who did not know 
the wizard, and who is usually a very smart man, commenced 
counting the gold, but could not, for his life, satisfy himself 
of the numerous amounts. Opening one package, he found 
all right ; then he took a second, and found it ten dollars 
short ; re-counted it, and found ten dollars over ; and then 
again, and it was short. He then laid it aside, took another 
parcel, and found it contained twenty dollars over, and re- 
counted it, and it was only ten over ; again he carefully 
counted it, and discovered it was thirty short ! The young 
man felt his head, to see if he was laboring under sickness, 
or deranged. Finding his senses all right, he set to work 
again, commencing at the first package, and got through five 
very well ; the next he found twenty short, and, re-counting 
it, discovered forty over ! He called another teller, who was 
equally puzzled, but, turning round, saw Professor Anderson 
standing near him, and felt convinced it was the trick of the 
wizard. The professor smiled, and desired him to proceed ; 
and when he got through satisfactorily, he took the receipt 
for the amount. The young man went to the table where 
he had left the piles of gold, in order to put them into the 
drawer — when lo ! he could not lift any of them ! the coins 
clung together, and were immovable ! The young man looked 
terrified, and sought a chair ; but the professor, seeing his 
perplexity, told him not to be alarmed. He found his imagi- 
nation had affected him, and told him to put the cash away ; 
and the professor left the bank, passing the crowd of anxious 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 345 

visitors to the bank, -who had been neglected in consequence 
of the excitement. 



Grief never sleeps ; it watches continually, like a jealous 
hand. All the world groans under its sway, and it fears that 
by sleeping its clutch will become loosened, and its prey then 
escape. 



A negro preacher in Alabama recently said : " My dear 
bredren — de liberal man, wot gib w T ay his property, a'nt 
gwan to heaben no more clan some ob you wicked sinners is. 
Charity a'nt no good widout righteousness. It is like beef- 
steak widout gravy ; dat am to say, no good, nohow." 



EDUCATION IN THE ARMY. 

The following are a few suggestions, thrown out for the 
benefit of those who are intrusted with the delicate task of 
teaching the young military idea to do something more than 
shoot, which was formerly his sole accomplishment. 

If fourteen pounds make one stone, how many stones will 
make one stone wall ? 

If five yards and a half make a Pole, what is the length 
of a Hungarian ? 

If a certain number of hogsheads make a pipe, is it pos- 
sible, K with any quantity of bird's-eye, to make a cigar ? 

If the earth takes twenty-four hours to get round the sun, 
how many hours will it take for a son to get round an angry 
father? 

Reduce pounds to shillings ; by billiards, brandy-and- water, 
and cigars. — Punch. 



346 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

FORCE AND PLIABILITY OF CONSCIENCE. 

A tailor, -who was dangerously ill, had a remarkable 
dream. He saw, fluttering in the air, a piece of cloth of a 
prodigious length, composed of all the cabbage he had made, 
of a variety of colors. The angel of death held this piece 
of patchwork in one of his hands, and with the other gave 
the tailor several strokes with a piece of iron. The tailor, 
awakening in a fright, made a vow that, if he recovered, he 
would cabbage no more. He soon recovered. As he was 
diffident in himself, he ordered one of his apprentices to put 
him in mind of his dream whenever he cut out a suit of 
clothes. The tailor was, for some time, obedient to the inti- 
mations given him by his apprentice ; but, a nobleman having 
sent for him to make a coat out of a very rich stuff, his vir- 
tue could not resist the temptation. His apprentice put him 
in mind of his dream, but to no purpose. ({ I am tked with 
your talk about the dream," says the tailor; "there was 
nothing like this in the whole piece of patchwork I saw in 
my dream." 

A shoemaker, in Connecticut, bought some shoe-pegs 
made of rotten wood. Not being able to use them, he took 
his knife and sharpened the other end of them, and sold them 
for oats. 



Irving says the only temple of true liberty in this world 
is the bar-room of a country inn ; an institution where you 
may pull off your formality with your boots, roll up your 
trousers with your cares, and puff away at your troubles with 
a pipe, without any fear that a broomstick will draw your 
attention to the carpet, or dark-complexioned frowns remind 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 347 

you of the injurious effects of tobacco-juice on the stove- 
hearth. The parlor Tvill do well enough for those who are 
brought up under despotism ; but to a man who has once fed 
on democracy there is no spot in the world where he can 
enlarge the area of freedom with less fear of raising an 
insurrection than in the snug, cosey corner of a country bar- 
room. 



DISABILITY FROM STAMMERING. 

A soldier, about to be sent on an expedition, said to the 
officer directing the drafts, "Sir, I cannot go, because I — 
I — stutter.*' '• Stutter!" says the officer, " you don't go 
to talk, but to fight." "Ay, but they'll p-p-put me on 
g-g-guard, and a man may go ha-ha-half a mile, before I 
can say, Wh-wh-who goes there? " " 0, that is no objec- 
tion ; for there will be another sentry placed along with you, 
and he can challenge, if you can fire." " "Well, b-b-but I 
may be taken, and run through the g-g-guts, before I can 
cry Qu-qu-quarter ! " 



HEROISM OF PATERNAL AFFECTION. 

Loiserrolles — a name that will never be forgotten 
amongst the victims of democratic rage — received at the 
Conciergerie an act of accusation which was intended for his 
son. He said not a word, but obeyed the intimation of the 
clerk, who ordered him to go to the office. He hies away, 
concealing his joy that in sacrificing his own life he should 
preserve that of his son. The mistake was not discovered, 
because he had done everything to render it complete. He 
trembled lest his son, who w T as ignorant of this act of devoted- 
ness. should come in and claim his place. The venerable old 



848 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

man, tied to the plank, exclaimed, Cl I have succeeded!" 
and he received, no doubt, without regret, the stroke of death. 
But, as if Heaven had waited for this last and generous vic- 
tim to manifest all its wrath, avenging justice at length 
displayed itself; that very day it thundered on guilt ; that 
very day the tyrants were hurled headlong, and all these 
decemvirs, drunk with blood, mounted the scaffold the next 



A great man commonly disappoints those who visit him. 
They are on the look-out for his thundering and lightning, 
and he speaks about common things much like other people ; 
nay, sometimes he may even be seen laughing. 

Lord, preserve me calm in my spirit, gentle in my com- 
mands, and watchful that I speak not unadvisedly with my 
lips, moderate in my purposes, yielding in my temper, and at 
the same time steadfast in my principles. — Bogatzky. 

1 beg you to take to heart one maxim, which for myself I 
have ever observed, and ever shall : it is, never to say more 
than is necessary. The unspoken word never does harm ; 
but what is once uttered cannot be recalled, and no man can 
foresee its consequences. — Kossuth. 



Upon coming into the office, the other day, we asked the 
u Devil" his rule for punctuation. Said he, "I set up as 
long as I can hold my breath, then put in a comma ; when I 
gape, I insert a semicolon ; when I sneeze, a colon ; and when 
I want to take another chew of tobacco, I insert a period." 
We cannot withhold these rules, so admirable for their sim- 
plicity, from the public. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 849 

DR. JOHNSON'S RAMBLER. 

Dr. Johnson was paid by the booksellers two guineas per 
week for this work ; and his employers made by it above 
ten thousand pounds. Upon the very great repute of the 
Ramblers, the University of Dublin honored him with a 
degree of A. M., a favor Johnson had before vainly solicited. 



" What are these 'Royal Bath bricks' that one hears 
so much about? " asked a gentleman, the other clay, " They 
are the bricks/' replied a ready-witted friend, "that George 
the Fourth used to carry ' in his hat " at Bath, his favorite 
brandy-and- watering place." 



In one of our burying-grounds is a tombstone containing 
the following inscription: — "To the memory of William 
McAlpin, who died of the scarlet fever. He was born in 
Tipperary, Ireland, on the 4th of June, 1813, aged 37 
years.*' A good round age that, to be born at ! 



A gentleman residing in the neighborhood of Cork, on 
walking one Sunday evening, met a young peasant-girl, 
w r hose parents lived near his house. " What are you doing, 
Jenny?" said he. " Looking for a son-in-law for my mother, 
sir^* was the smart reply. 



In the lexicon of Suidas is the following sublime passage, 
which describes the genius and talent of the great father of 
ancient philosophy : il Aristotle was the secretary of Nature, 
and he dipped his pen in Mind." 
30 



350 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

UNCOMMON HEROISM. 
At the siege of Tortona, the commander of the army in 
the service of Naples, which then lay before the town, ordered 
one Carew, an Irish officer, to advance, with a detachment 
under his command, to a particular post. Having given his 
orders, he whispered to Carew the following dreadful words : 
" Sir, I know you to be a gallant man ; I have, therefore, 
put you upon this duty ; I tell you, in confidence, it is certain 
death to you all. I place you there to make the enemy 
spring a mine below you." Carew led on his men in silence 
to the dreadful post, and, with an undaunted countenance, 
called to one of his soldiers for a draught of wine. " Here," 
said he, "I drink to all those who bravely fall in battle." 
Fortunately at that instant the town capitulated, and the 
brave Carew escaped, but had an opportunity of showing 
such heroism as is not often equalled. 



Robert Fairgrieve, for many years bedral and grave- 
digger to the parish of Ancrum, in Roxburghshire, was a man 
of some humor. The minister one day met him coming home, 
sooner than was to be expected, from Jedburgh fair, and 
inquired the reason for such strange conduct, since most of 
his fellow-parishioners would probably stay till midnight, if 
not till next morning. " 0, sir," said Robert, " huz that are 
office-bearers (meaning the minister and himself) should be 
ensamples to the flock." 

When this strange person was on his death-bed, the minister 
visited him, for the purpose of administering some ghostly offices 
to % his soul. He was surprised to find him in a somewhat 
restless and discontented humor, and not comporting himself 
exactly as a dying man ought to do. On the clergyman inquir- 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 351 

ing into the cause of his uneasiness, " 0. sir," said Robert. " I 
was just minding that I've buriet five hunder and ninety- 
eight folk since I was first made bedral o' Ancrum, and I was 
anxious that, if it were His holy will, I might be spared to 
mak it the sax hunder ! " 



A CAUTION. 
The Duke of Grammont was killed at the battle of Fon- 
tenoy. "Take care of yourself," said Count Lavendal to 
him: "your horse is killed." "And so am I,' 7 answered 
the duke. 



Robin Hannah, who for nearly half a century exercised 
the trade of grave-digger in the burial-ground attached to the 
secession meeting-house at Falkirk, had many of the profes- 
sional peculiarities of his tribe. For instance, Robin would 
exert himself in accommodating* a good person, or one for 
whom he entertained sentiments of friendship; and propor- 
tionally grudged his labors in behalf of persons comparatively 
worthless. Somebody one day remarked to him that the sod 
upon a particular grave was very fresh and green. " Ay, 
it's a bonnie turr," he answered, emphatically ; " but it ? s a 
pity to see it putten down on the tap o ? sic a skemp." On 
another occasion, some one observed him suddenly stop in the 
newly-begun work of forming a grave, and take his way 
towards the place where his implements were deposited, from 
whiqh he selected one, and then returned, with a face lighted 
by a peculiar expression. On being questioned as to his 
motive for this proceeding, he answered, " Od, he was sic a 
fine chiel (meaning the individual for whom he was digging 
the grave), that I just thought I wad howk his grave wi' the 
new spade." 



352 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

It may, perhaps, be supposed, by people of a superficial 
way of thinking, that there is no particular art or craft 
to. be exercised in grave-digging, and consequently no grada- 
tion in the merits of grave-diggers. There could not be a . 
greater mistake. We believe it quite possible that grave- 
digging maybe looked upon by the profession itself— and 
they only give the subject that deep attention it deserves — 
as one of the fine arts, or, at least, as an art which, in its 
best productions, may yield to the contemplative observer a 
certain degree of pleasure. A lady of our acquaintance, when 
a girl, was drawn by childish curiosity to spend much of her 
time in overlooking the operations of Robin Hannah. Often, 
on these occasions, he would say to her, for the purpose of 
getting quit of her surveillance, which somehow or other was 
disagreeable to the old man, " Gang awa, my leddie, gang 
awa, the noo, and if ye 're a gude bairn, I '11 maybe let ye 
see the grave when it's dune." "VVe make no doubt that 
Robin considered this a sufficient recompense for any act of 
self-denial he could have called upon her to perform. Another 
fills Robin's place, and he now reposes quietlv beneath the 
green sod he so often spread for others. 



Two Irishmen, having travelled on foot from Chester to 
Barnet, were tired and fatigued with their journey ; and the 
more so, when they were told they had still about ten miles 
to London. " By my shoul and St. Patrick," cries one of 
them, "it is five miles a-piece, — let's even walk on." 



A citizen's wife being in the country, and seeing a goose 
that had many goslings, "How is it possible," said she, 
" that one goose should suckle so many goslings ? " 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 606 

HEROISM. 

The Marquis of Rupelmoncle was killed at the battle of 
Pfaffenlioven. He was an enlightened philosopher, and an 
amiable man. He had only his aid-de-camp near him when 
he fell. " Leave me to die," said he, "and make haste to 
give notice to M. Segur, that he may take care of the rear- 
guard." 

A GOOD woman, having drank too large a morning's draught, 
fell asleep in the church, and at length began to snore, 
upon which one jogged her. Says she, " Pray give the cup to 
my gossip there, for I can drink no more." 



A hardened wretch, who was going to be hanged, in his 
way to the place of execution ordered the cart to stop at a 
public house, and asked the landlord whether he had not 
lately lost a silver cup. He answered in the affirmative, and 
the malefactor said, "Well, make us a drink, and I will give 
you tidings of it," The abandoned wretch then declared, " It 
was I who took your cup, and you may rest assured that the 
next time I come this way you shall have it again." 



Two scholars, passing by a windmill, stood for some time 
viewing it. The miller, looking out of a little wicket, seeing 
them, asked them what they would have, and what they 
stared at. "Why," says one of them, "we are looking at 
this thing; pray, what is it?" "Why," says the miller, 
" don't you see ? Where are your eyes ? It is a windmill." 
"We crave your mercy, sir," said the scholar; "we took it 
for a jail, seeing a thief looking out of the window." 
30* 



354 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

GARRICK'S EYE. 

Miss Pope was one evening in the green room, comment- 
ing on the excellences of Garrick, when, amongst other things, 
she said, "He had the most wonderful eye imaginable; an 
eye, to use a vulgar phrase, that would penetrate through a 
deal board ! " " Ay, "cried Wewitzer, " I understand ; what 
we call a gimblet eye I " 



MARSHAL SAXE. 

In one of his campaigns on the Rhine, the marshal, going 
his rounds in the encampment, was met by a soldier who had 
that evening liberally sacrificed to Bacchus, and who, laying 
hold of the bridle of the marshal's horse, asked him what was 
the price of it, for that he wanted a horse. The marshal, 
perceiving the state he was in, had him taken to the provost. 
The next morning he sent for him, and asked him how 
much he would give for the horse. The soldier, become per- 
fectly sober, answered him, " General, the merchant who 
yesterday evening felt inclined to purchase your horse went 
off early this morning." 



EXTREME UNCTION. 

As the late Earl of Chesterfield and Lord Petre were once 
stepping out of a carriage, a great lamp, oil and all, fell from 
the centre of an iron arch before the house, missing Lord 
Petre by about half an inch. " 0, my lord," said he, " I was 
near being gone! " "Why, yes," replied the earl, coolly, 
"but there would certainly have been one comfort attending 
the accident, since you must infallibly have received extreme 
unction before you went." 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 355 

SELLING LANDS. 

A yeoman of Kent selling some lands, the lawyer was 
puzzled as to the designation which he should have in the 
deeds. " Say gentleman" suggested a bystander; " for 
selling lands is a gentleman's trade." 



When General 0' Kelly was introduced to Louis XV., 
soon after the battle of Fontenoy, his majesty observed that 
Clark's regiment behaved very well in that engagement. 
"Sire," said the general, " they behaved well, it is true; 
many of them were wounded ; but my regiment behaved bet- 
ter, for we were all killed" 



INGENUOUSNESS. 



General Sloper was distinguished in the annals of gal- 
lantry. The affair w T ith the celebrated Mrs. Gibber, which 
became the ground of a prosecution on the part of the lady's 
husband, Theophilus, is well known. Two young officers of 
the general's regiment having, after a mess dinner,* discussed 
rather freely the conduct and character of their commander, 
and seasoned, as is usual, their remarks with a good deal of 
the ridiculous, the general sent for them, and asked them if 
what was reported of them was true. " General," said one 
of them, "it is: and we should have said much more, if our 
wine had not failed." 



An Irishman, seeing an undertaker carrying a very small 
coffin, exclaimed, in the utmost surprise, " Ods blood! is it 
possible that that coffin can be intended for any living crea- 
ture?" 



356 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Russell was recently singing "The Gambler's Wife," in 

an English town, and having uttered the words, 

"Hush, lie comes not yet ! 
The clock strikes one," 

he struck the key to imitate the sudden knell of the departed 
hour, when a respectably-dressed woman ejaculated, to the 
amazement of everybody, "Wouldn't I have fetched him 
home ! " All of Mrs. Caudle's lectures were concentrated 
in that little sentence. 



A HINT .REMUNERATED. 

The bankruptcy of Mr. Fordyce, the banker, made a great 
noise some years since. With the foibles generally attendant 
on aspiring men, Mr. Fordyce had generous qualities. A 
young, intelligent merchant, who kept cash at his banking- 
house, and one day made a small lodgment, happened to say, 
in the office, "that if he could command some thousands at 
present, there was a certain speculation to be pursued, which 
in all probability would turn out fortunate." This was said 
loosely, without Fordyce' s making any answer, or seeming to 
attend to it, and no more passed at that time. A few months 
afterwards, when the same merchant was what they call set- 
tling his book with the house, he was very much surprised 
to see the sum of five hundred pounds placed to his credit 
side more than he knew he possessed. Thinking it a mis- 
take, he pointed it out to the clerk, who, seeing the entry in 
Mr. Fordyce' s hand- writing, said he must have paid it to 
him. The merchant, however, knowing he had not, begged 
to see Mr. Fordyce, who appeared, and told him "it was all 
right enough, for that as the hint he had a few months before 
thrown out in the office gained him above five thousand pounds, 
he thought him fairly entitled to the tithe of that sum." 



ONJB THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 857 



MALLEABILITY OF MONEY. 



David Garrick was fond of fame, and equally fond of 
money ; and few men had it more in their power to gratify 
both these passions. Foote sometimes threw out pleasantries 
on Garrick* s avaricious propensity. Being once in company 
with Garrick, in his garden at Hampton, Roscius, having a 
guinea in his hand, said, M I think I could throw this guinea 
to the other side of the Thames/ 7 The English Aristophanes 
expressed his doubts, " Though I believe," added he, " that 
you can make a guinea go as far as any man." 



PAUL, EMPEROR OF ALL THE RUSSIAS. 

That eccentricity and fickleness which characterized many 
of his actions was doubtless the effect of the state in which he 
was held during the reign of Catharine II. Sentiments of 
distrust and danger were the habitual inmates of his bosom. 
At first, as his nature prompted, he opened himself with 
unbounded confidence and entire familiarity : then, repenting 
of his frankness, he regarded the friend and confidant as a 
dangerous character, perhaps the creature of his mother or of 
the favorite, who had flattered him only to betray him. The 
fate of his father, Peter III., was ever present to his mind, 
and formed a combination of all others the most excitive of 
perturbation, regret and apprehension. 

One of the greatest crimes of which Catharine was guilty 
was her conduct to that son in whose right she had governed 
Russia thirty-five years. Paul had sense, activity, a disposi- 
tion for the sciences, and sentiments of order and justice. 
But all these were stifled by ill-treatment, or perished for 
want of cultivation. Catharine kept him at a distance, sur- 
rounded him with spies, held him in restraint, exposed him 



358 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

to every humiliation ; whilst her favorites wallowed in wealth, 
Paul lived retired, insignificant, and in want of necessaries. 
Thus she soured his temper, and rendered him capricious and 
suspicious. Catharine certainly, had not death taken her by 
surprise, would have disinherited him. Her private confer- 
ences with the Grand Duke Alexander had begun to be very 
frequent and mysterious. Had he been willing, or had Cath- 
arine been able to speak a few words before she died, Paul 
probably would never have reigned. 



AN EDIFYING SERMON. 



Mr. Johnston, minister of the parish of Lyne and Meg- 
get, was a man of a singular character. The two parishes, 
which are twenty miles distant, are very thinly inhabited, 
both containing only one hundred and sixty souls. In winter 
Mr. Johnston used to assemble the few that could attend, being 
so widely scattered, in his own kitchen, and set down before 
them a bottle or two of whiskey, saying, " Ye '11 no be the 
waur o' a wee drap o' that, as this is an unco cauld day, an' 
ye hae a gaye bit till gang ; joost tak an' administer every 
ane o' ye to yere ain necessity." They accordingly handed 
the bottle round, every one taking as much as he thought his 
necessity required, as the minister thought a glass wholly 
unnecessary. It is needless to say the congregation were 
greatly edified. 

SAILOR AND STAGE-COACH. 

An honest tar, wishing to be coached up to town from 
Deptford, thought it a very unbecoming thing in him, who 
had just been paid off, and had plenty of money, not to have 
a whole coach to himself; so he took all the places, and seated 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 359 

himself upon the top. The coach was about to set off, when 
a gentleman appeared, who was holding an altercation with 
the coachman about the absurdity of his insisting that the 
seats were all taken, and not a person in the coach. Jack, 
overhearing high words, thought, as he had paid full freight, 
he had a right to interfere, and inquired what was the mat- 
ter ; when, being told that the gentleman was much disap- 
pointed at not getting a seat, he replied, " You lubber ! stow 
him away in the hold ; but I '11 be ducked if he come upon 
deck ! " 



WIT INCURABLE. 



A facetious character, whose talents for humor in private 
companies were the cause of his being always a guest in con- 
vivial societies, had by late hours and attachment to the bottle 
brought himself into a dropsy ; insomuch that the faculty, 
one and all, agreed nothing could save him but tapping. 
After much persuasion, he consented to the operation, and 
his surgeon and assistants arrived with the necessary appa- 
ratus. Bob was got out of bed, and the operator was on the 
point of introducing the trocar into the abdomen, when, as if 
suddenly recollecting himself, he bade the doctor stop. " What ! 
are you afraid? " cried the surgeon. " No," says the other ; 
" but, upon recollection, it will not be proper to be tapped 
here, for nothing that has been tapped in this house ever 
lasted long." 

BLACK GUARDS. 

A punster, on hearing that the clergy were about to 
embody themselves for the defence of their country, after mak- 
ing some observations on their sable attire, and how ill the 



860 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

sword would become it, exclaimed, "0! England, unhappy 
England ! to what a condition are we reduced, when we are 
to be indebted for the defence of our rights and interests to a 
band of 6fac&-guards ! " 



ONE REASON 'AS GOOD AS EIGHTEEN. 

Henry IV. being to pass through a small town in Bur- 
gundy, on the day appointed the mayor and corporation, in 
their robes and with their regalia, were ready to receive him. 
On this occasion the following address was presented : u May 
it please your majesty, of all the towns that have the honor 
of being governed by your serenity, none have a greater zeal 
than this. We know that the most certain method of pleasing 
the greatest warrior of the age would be to receive him amidst 
the din of a powerful artillery ; but it would have been impos- 
sible for us to have fired upon this occasion, for eighteen rea- 
sons. The first, may it please your majesty, is, that we have 
not, nor ever had, any cannon in the town." " I am so per- 
fectly satisfied with your first reason," added the king, " that 
I'll excuse the seventeen others." 



Littleness of soul is often mistaken for prudence. 

Every vicious act weakens a right judgment, and defiles 
the life. 

Every time you avoid doing wrong you increase your incli- 
nation to do that which is right. 

Arts that respect the mind were ever reputed nobler than 
those which serve the body. 

If there has been no temptation, there can be no merit ; if 
there has been no struggle, there can be no victory. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 8G1 

GEOGRAPHY. 

"What British isle is that the inhabitants of which have 
tails ? ' ' First boy. — ' ' The Isle of Dogs. ' ? " Whose map of 
that isle is considered the best ? " Secoiid boy. — " Mogg's." 
" What is the staple manufacture of the isle? " Third boy. 
— " Clogs." " State the peculiarity of its climate." Fourth 
boy. — "Fogs." "And the nature of its soil." Fifth boy. 
— "Bogs." "What animals doth it abound in?" Sixth 
boy.— "Frogs." "What is the chief food of the isle?" 
Seventh boy. — "Hogs." 



Zealous men are ever displaying to you the strength of 
their belief, while judicious men are showing you the grounds 
of it. 

If the word contains the seed of heaven, what is it to man, 
if not implanted in his life and received in pure affection ? 

The worthiest people are most injured by slanderers ; as 
we usually find that to be the best fruit which the birds have 
been picking at. 

Wit loses its respect with the good when seen in company 
with malice ; and to smile at the jest which plants a thorn in 
another's breast is to become a principal in the mischief. 



V . . 

A young fellow being at a public dinner, and observing 

one of the guests artfully pocket a table-spoon, took another, 
and very gravely stuck it in his button-hole. Being asked 
what he meant, he replied, "I saw my neighbor here put a 
spoon in his pocket, and apprehending it was the custom for 
us all to take one, preferred putting mine in my button-hole." 
31 



362 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A splenetic blacksmith, who fancied himself sick, would 
frequently tease a neighboring physician to give him relief. 
The physician, knowing him to be in perfect health, yet not 
willing to offend him, told him he must be careful in his diet, 
and not eat anything that was heavy and windy. The black- 
smith went off satisfied, but, on casting in his mind what food 
was heavy and windy, and being ignorant, back he posts to 
the doctor, who, being quite out of patience with his patient. 
said, "Don't you know what things are heavy, and what are 
windy ? " " No," answered the blacksmith. " Why, then I 
will tell you," said the doctor ; " there 's your anvil is heavy, 
and your bellows are windy, — do not eat either, and you'll 
do well enough." 



" Doctor, I is anxious to understand de nature ob my 
health." " Whey ! 'Tis berry lucky you hab come to me in 
time. You see you hab got de inflammation of de bronchial 
tubes, dat acts on de flaxon longus digitous pedis, and dis has 
ended in de confirmed delirium tremens for sartain. I 'se de 
only doctor what can cure you." u Shades ob natur ! am it 
possible?" 

THE YANKEE AND THE COBBLER. 

A cobbler, who was more fond of making remarks on 
street-passengers than mending his soles or his manners, was 
daily in the habit of looking up at every one who chanced to 
pass, and hailing them with various game-making remarks and 
questions. His wit was considered as sharp as his awl, and 
persons were obliged to take another street, in order to avoid 
his game-making : but it happened, on one occasion, that an 
eccentric Yankee, — a regular down-easter, — who went to the 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 363 

town with his marketing, took a notion to astonish the folks 
by dressing his three fat sisters up in fashionable style, plac- 
ing them all on the back of his mule, and thus riding through 
the town, to the great ridicule of the fashionable bloods. In 
their way through the city, Jonathan happened to pass the 
stall of the cobbler ; this, to the lovers of fun in the neighbor- 
hood, was a happy chance, as, having felt the shaft of the 
cobbler's ridicule, they were extremely anxious to see the 
simple Yankee cut dumb. Jonathan walked along at the 
head of his animal, with a face as long and grave as if he was 
going to his sisters' funeral, although a good observer could 
perceive a hidden Yankee smile extending from the corner of 
his mouth to his ear ; but he had no sooner come opposite to 
the stall of Cassim than the man of soles poked up his lean 
visage, and exclaimed, "Why, Mister, you ought to be 
ashamed of yourself, to let that one poor ass carry them three 
great gals, when there is two of you together." "Veil, an' 
vot of it? do you know the reason he does it so veil?" 
"No; why ? " " Why, kase he minds his own business, an' 
that's more than you does." 



GOOD WINE. 



Lady Sundon was bribed with a pair of diamond ear- 
rings, and procured the donor a good place at court. Though 
the matter w T as notoriously known, she was so imprudent as 
to wear them constantly in public. This being blamed in a 
company, Lady Wortley Montague, like Mrs. Candor, under- 
took Lady Sundon's defence. "And pray," says she, 
" where is the harm ? I, for my part, think Lady Sundon 
acts wisely ; for, does not the bush shovr where the wine is 
sold?" 



364 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



HOW TO GET A CELLAR DUG. 



David Smith, a retired oysterman, had scraped together a 
sufficiency of funds to buy a lot of ground in Loinbard- 
street, above Twelfth. Being an ingenious old darkey, this 
Davy Smith, and intending to build a house on the lot he 
had purchased, he contrived a speculation which he thought 
would put a few dollars into his fob, and help to pay the ex- 
penses of his building. The old black rogue secretly inserted 
a few antique Spanish quarters in the ground, a little below 
the surface ; and*the next day, while tampering with a spade 
about the premises, in the presence of a few of his African 
neighbors, he pretended to dig up some of the hidden treas- 
ures. Immediately it was reported in the neighborhood that 
Blackbeard's money, or some other fellow's, was buried in old 
Davy Smith's lot. Dave made his appearance, to answer in- 
quiries on this subject, with his arm in a sling. He made a 
full confirmation of the report, remarking that he had hurt 
his hand, and was unable to dig; but he was ready to grant 
digging permits to as many colored persons as would choose 
to undertake the work, each to pay the wily Davy one dollar 
for the privilege, — the finder to have all the money he should 
dig up. Ten able-bodied colored men joyfully accepted these 
terms, and went to work with the energy of California gold- 
hunters, making the earth fly as it does when the ground is 
raked by a cannon-ball. Old Davy stood by to encourage 
them, exclaiming, once in a while, " Steam up, darkies, — 
shovel away ! Haw, haw, haw, haw ! How de niggers am 
a-going it ! You will come to de money bimeby," &c. Af- 
ter about two hours and a half, the industrious fellows had 
excavated a square hole, six feet deep, and long and wide 
enough for Davy's purpose. " Dat will do, niggers; haw, 
haw, haw ! " cried Davy. " Some people hab to spend money 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 365 

to get dar cellars dug, but I have mine dug for noffin', and 
git paid ten dollars for 'lowing de niggers to do it ! " Find- 
ing that they had been swindled, the money-diggers fell on 
David, pitched him in, and commenced covering him up with 
as much activity as they had just shown in throwing out the 
dirt. A policeman happened to pass, when nothing but the 
old sinner's woolly pate w T as visible ; and, although the officer 
used all possible speed in getting him out, David's immortal 
spirit had nearly left the body before he could be released 
from his unpleasant predicament. 



PRINCIPLE. 



Pelisson was on the point of abjuring Calvinism, when the 
Duke de Montausier told Madame de Scudery, on the part 
of the king, that, if Pelisson became Catholic, he would be 
appointed preceptor to the Dauphin, and president a mortier. 
This conversation was soon reported to Pelisson, who, for that 
reason, determined not to return to the established church. 



TO the most honest. 



The minister Morus, who had made a Latin poem to the 
honor of the Venetian republic, had received for it a magnifi- 
cent gold chain. At his death he left it, by his will, to 
Pelisson, as the most honest man he knew. 



An Irishman, a day or two since, who had been often and 
profitably employed as a stevedore, was observed gazing at a 
steam-engine that was whizzing away at a swift rate, doing 
his work for him, and lifting the cotton out from the hold of 
a ship quicker than you can say "Jack Robinson." Pat 
31=* 



366 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

looked till his anger was pretty well up, and then, shaking 
his fist at the tarnal critter, he exclaimed, " Choog, choog, 
choog, spet, stame it and be bothered, ye child of Satan, that 
ye are ! Ye may do the work o' twenty-five fellies, — ye 
may take the bread out iv an honest Irishman's mouth, — but 
by the powers, now, ye can't vote, old blazer, mind that, will 
ye!" 

A lemonless Irishman was observed one evening slicing a 
potato into his hot w T hiskey -toddy. " Why, what are you 
about?" inquired Charley. "It's punch I'm making, 
dear," quietly replied Pat. "And what are you slicing 
that in for?" "To give it a flavor, honey." "What! a 
potato flavor? " " Sure, and is n r t a flavor a flavor, whether 
it 's lemon or pitaty ?" 



An account was lately published of the lynching of a man 
named McCoy, in Pike county, Alabama, on the ground that 
he was an abolitionist. The same man was afterwards 
mobbed at Hockelty, in the same state. A committee of 
the citizens waited on him, obtained evidence that he had 
talked abolitionism, and forthwith ducked him under the spout 
of the town-pump, and then rode him out of town on a rail. 



Not long since, in South Carolina, a clergyman was preach- 
ing on the disobedience of Jonah, when commanded to go and 
preach to the Ninevites. After expatiating for some length 
of time on the truly awful consequence of disobedience to the 
divine commands, he exclaimed, in a voice of thunder, that 
passed through the congregation like an electric shock, "And 
are there any Jonahs here?" There was a negro present, 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 3G7 

whose name was Jonah ; who, thinking himself called on, 
immediately arose, and, turning up his white eye to the 
preacher, with his broadest grin and best bow, answered, 
" Here be one, Massa." 



HUMANITY. 



As soon as the field of battle was clear, Louis XV., in 
order to inspire the dauphin with the same horror which he 
himself had, even for a just war, caused him to go over it. 
The young prince, shuddering, saw in reality what he had 
only seen in history. At this horrid spectacle, the dauphin 
melted. The king said to him, " Learn, my son, how much 
a victory is costly and painful." This trait, whatever may 
have been the faults of Louis XV., most certainly is a most 
honorable record. A similar sentiment of Bonaparte, in his 
celebrated letter to the arch-duke, is as glorious to that com- 
mander as even the laurels of Lodi or Marengo. 



SHARP REPARTEE. 



A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows 
riding that way, one of them called to him, with an insolent 
air, "Well, honest fellow," said he, "'tis your business to 
sow, but we reap the fruits of your labor." To which the 
countryman replied, " 'T is very like you may, for I am sow- 
ing hemp." 



Foote's Othello, it is said, was a masterpiece of burlesque ; 
but it fell very far short of the Hamlet, which he attempted 
in the early part of his life. He went through the play tol- 



368 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

erably well until lie came to the last ; but in the scene where 
he quarrels with Laertes, — 

" What is the reason you use me thus ? 
I loved you ever, — but 't is no matter ; 
Let Hercules himself do what he may, 
The cat will mew, the dog will have his day ; " 

stimulated by a desire to distinguish himself, he entered so 
much into the quarrel as to throw him out of the words, and 
he spoke it thus : " I loved you ever; but 'tis no matter. 
Let Hercules himself do what he may, the dog will mew, — 
no, the cat ; the cat will bark, — no, that 7 s the dog ; the 
dog will mew,— no, that 's the cat ; the cat will, — no, the 
dog, the cat, the dow, — pshaw ! pho ! — it 's something about 
mewing and barking ; but, as I hope to be saved, ladies and 
gentlemen, I know nothing more cf the matter." 



NOT HALF WAY TO THE BOTTOM. 

A gentleman riding down a steep hill, and fearing the 
foot of it was unsound, called out to a clown who was ditch- 
ing, and asked him if it was hard at the bottom. u Ay," 
answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the bottom, 
I warrant you." But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up 
to the saddle-girths, which made the gentleman whip, spur, 
and swear. " Why, thou rascal ! " said he, "didst thou not 
tell me it was hard at the bottom?" "Ay," replied the 
fellow, " but you are not half way to the bottom yet." 



To be sold, a threshing-machine, in good working order ; 
has birch, cane, and strap barrels ; warranted to whip a school 
of fifty boys in twenty minutes, distinguishing their offences 



ONB THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 369 

into literary, moral, and impertinent. Only parted Avith be- 
cause the owner has flogged all his school away, and his sons 
are too big to beat. Apply at the College of Preceptors. 



A PUBLIC dinner in England had dwindled away to two 
guests, an Englishman and a Highland gentleman, who were 
each trying to prove the superiority of their native countries. 
Of course, at an argument of this kind, a Scotchman pos- 
ses, from constant practice, overwhelming advantages. 
The Highlander's logic was so good that he beat his opponent 
on every point. At last, the Englishman put a poser. " You 
will." he said. :; at least admit that England is larger in ex- 
tent than Scotland?" '*' Certainly not/' 7 was the confident 
reply: ,; you see. sir. ours is a mountainous, yours is a flat, 
country. Xow. if all our hills were rolled out flat, we should 
beat you by hundreds of square miles." 



A gentleman crossing one of the Xew York ferries was 
sted by one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap litera- 
ture and weekly newspapers who are to be found in shoals 
: all our public places, with. " Buy Bulwers last work, 
sir I — only two shillmY' The gentleman, willing to have a 
laugh with the urchin, said, "Why, I am Bulwer, myself! " 
Off went the lad. and, whispering to another, at a little dis- 
tance, exci wonderment at the information he had to 
impart. Eying the pretended author of Pelham with a kind 
of awe. he approached him timidly, and, holding out a pam- 
:1, modestly, " Buy the Women of England, sir? 
not Mrs. Ellis, are you ? " Of course, the proposed 



370 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

DEAN SWIFT'S OPINION OF FAULTS. 

Dean Swift had a shoulder of mutton brought up for his 
dinner too much done : he sent for the cook, and told her to 
take the mutton down, and do it less. " Please your honor, 
I cannot do it less." " But," says the dean, "if it had not 
been done enough, you could have done it more, could you 
not?" " 0, yes; very easily." "Why, then," says the 
dean, " for the future, when you commit a fault, let it be 
such a one as can be mended." 



NO STOPPING A WOMAN'S TONGUE. 

Among many others who were brought before the Bir- 
mingham magistrates, during the late disturbances, was a 
woman charged with encouraging the rioters, and uttering 
some bitter maledictions against the millers and bakers ; but, 
it appearing that she was the wife of a very poor man, and 
the mother of several small children, the magistrates, unwill- 
ing to detach her from the care of five little starvelings, asked 
if she had anybody to speak to her character ; — when no 
one appearing but her husband, he was ordered to take care 
that in future she should be more cautious in the exercise of 
that unruly member, her tongue. "That I cannot, gentle- 
men," said the poor fellow; "the devil cannot stop her 
tongue, and I have long since found it necessary, for my own 
peace, to decline every attempt of the kind ! " 



Mr.. Fox, on his late canvass, having accosted a blunt 
tradesman, whom he solicited for his vote, the man answered, 
"I cannot give you my support; I admire your abilities , 
but not your principles" Mr. Fox smartly replied, "My 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 371 

friend. I applaud you for your sincerity, but your man- 
ners I don't like." 

At a late election, a gentleman met an old acquaintance 
walking towards the hustings. " So you are going to vote," 
said he. "for that sad dog, Charles Fox? " The other coolly 
replied, (; I am determined, sir, to give Mr. Fox my vote, 
not because he is a sad dog, but for a better reason — he is 
a good house-dog ; I mean, a good House-of -Commons 
dog, — and while we have him there to guard our liberties, 
we shall have little reason to apprehend any danger from 
court wolves or ministerial tigers. 77 



ANECDOTE OF PARSON PATEN. 

Parson Paten was so much averse to the Athanasian 
Creed that he would never read it. Archbishop Seeker, hav- 
ing been informed of his recusancy, sent the archdeacon to 
ask him his reason. li I do not believe it, 77 said the priest. 
" But your metropolitan does, 7 ' replied the archdeacon. " It 
may be so, 77 rejoined Mr. Paten; " and he can well afford it; 
he believes at the rate of seven thousand a year, and I only 
at that of fifty pounds. 77 



A TRUE KING. 
When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend 
his assistance to America, --'Pray, doctor, 77 says the veteran, 
" what is the object you mean to attain? 77 " Liberty, sire, 77 
replied the philosopher of Philadelphia; ••liberty! — that 
freedom which is the birthright of man. 77 The king, after a 
short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer : "I 
was born a prince : I am become a king ; and I will not use 
the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade. 77 



372 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ARMS. 

The Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having 
a very high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained 
in her carriage by a cart of coals that was unloading in the 
street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and 
asked the fellow, "How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of 
quality in the street? " " Woman of quality 1 77 replied the 
man. "Yes, fellow, 7 ' rejoined her grace; "don't you see 
my arms upon my carriage? " "Yes, I do, indeed, 77 says 
he, "and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are. 77 



POPULAR JUSTICE. 
Two Jews, old clothesmen, with venerable beards, were 
passing by a stable-door near Tottenham-court Road, one 
Friday, when a couple of jackets so fascinated them that they 
could not resist the temptation to give them a place with their 
own wares. While they were secreting the jackets, the two 
owners, who were drinking porter on the opposite side of the 
way, were observing the transaction. They rushed out, 
seized the Rabbis, locked them up in the stable, and went in 
quest of certain preparations which promised better things 
than a jail, or lawyer's wig, or even a fine. They then tied 
the Rabbis together, matted their beards, and smeared them 
with warm shoemaker's wax. As soon as the wax was cooled, 
and the people around had enjoyed sufficiently the sight of 
the venerable patriarchs in this fraternal embrace, the postil- 
ions applied to each nose by intervals a few pinches of 
snuff, which occasioned such a concussion of noses, and such 
sputtering, that, of five hundred spectators, there was not 
one who did not depart highly pleased with this spectacle of 
distributive justice. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 373 

A physician ordered his patient to live higher, — that is, 
more freely. The poor man mistook the doctor, and removed 
to the garret, where he unfortunately expired before the 
doctor's next visit. 



A jockey being asked by another if he could ride well 
upon a saddle, and being answered in the affirmative, " That 
is well," replied the former ; "for then you have no need of 
a horse." 



A person abusing another to Peter Pindar, said he was 
so insufferably dull that if you said a good thing he did not 
understand it. "Pray, sir," says Peter, "did you ever try 
him?" 



A native of one of the Hebrides being joked about the 
smallness of his island, the most central place not being four 
miles from the sea, an Irishman in company joined in the 
laugh, exultingly swearing "that no part of old Ireland was 
half so near it." 

One of our daily prints lately informed us that an additional 
number of patrols are to be appointed, to prevent the rob- 
beries that happened last winter about the metropolis. 



A man, being reproved for swearing, replied he did not 
know there was any harm in it. " No harm in it ! " said a 
person present; "why, don't you know the commandment, 
' Swear not at all ' ? " " Why, I do not swear at all, " re- 
plied he ; "I only swear at those who offend me." 



374 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

DRAWINGS OF CORK. 

Jack Bannister, praising the hospitality of the Irish, 
after his return from one of his trips to the sister kingdom, 
was asked if he had been in Cork. "No," replied the wit; 
" but I saw a great many drawings of it." 



EPITAPH ON A BLACKSMITH. 

My sledge and hamtrter lie reclined ; 
My bellows, too, have lost their wind ; 
My fire 's extinct, my forge decayed, 
And in the dust my vice is laid ; 
My coal is spent, my iron 's gone ; 
My nails are drove, my work is done. 



THE KING IN A SQUABBLE. 

A recruiting-sergeant, addressing an honest country 
bumpkin in one of the streets of Manchester with, " Come, 
my lad, thou 'It fight for thy king, won't thou? " " Voight 
for my king," answered Hodge; "why, has he fawn out 
wi' onybody?" 



A WIDOW REQUIRES PICKLING. 

Dr. James was sent for to a widow lady who was not very 
well, who asked him if sea-bathing would not be a very good 
thing for her. " Why, yes, madam, if a widow won't keep 
without being salted." 



A chimney-sweeper in a certain borough town, being 
one of the last voters at a violently-contested election, was 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 375 

strongly pressed by each candidate to honor him with his 
vote. The fellow, who was for some time at a loss to tell 
which fine gentleman most merited his suffrage, at last recol- 
lecting that he had often heard of kissing hands amongst the 
great folks, declared that he would not vote for either, unless 
they would kiss his hand. One of them accordingly came 
forward, and, having vainly endeavored to persuade the sweep 
to dispense with so disagreeable a ceremonjfoctually saluted 
his sooty fingers. After which, confidently claiming the 
expected reward, " No, no ! 7J says the chimney-sweeper, " i 
shan't vote for you ; for I am very sure he that would kis^ 
my hand would rob me." 



Some Irish laborers having lately dug a pit in the Found- 
ling Fields, one of them fell into it ; when another imme- 
diately procured a cord, and, letting it down with a slip-knot, 
got it round his countryman's neck, and pulled him up, 
nearly strangled ! 



AN EAST INDIAN MAJOR LONGBOW. 

An old East Indian, who had returned from Calcutta with 
a large fortune and a liver complaint, had retired to his native 
place (Banffshire), and was availing himself, one evening, of 
the usual privilege of travellers to a very large extent. His 
Scotch friends listened to his Major Longbows with an air 
of perfect belief, till, at last, the worthy nabob happened to 
say that in a particular part of India it was usual to fatten 
horses upon the flesh of sheep's heads, reduced to a pulp and 
mixed with rice. " ! " exclaimed all his auditors, with one 
voice ; " 0, that will never do ! We can believe all the rest ; 



376 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

but, really, feeding horses upon sheep's heads is too bad," 
" Well, gentlemen," said the man of the East, "I assure 
you that my story about the horses is the only bit of truth 
that I have told you this evening ! " 



AN ATHENIAN AND A SPARTAN. 

An Athenian fut five questions to a Spartan, and received 
five answers to them : 

Question. What walls do you like best ? 

Answer. Those that will defend themselves. 

Q. Why did Lycurgus give no written laws at all ? 

A. Because good manners need no laws. 

Q. Why do you make use of such heavy money ? 

A. Because men should be the sooner weary of it. 

Q. Why do you wear such short daggers ? 

A. To be so much nearer the enemy. 

Q. And why such short speeches ? 

A. To bring one another sooner to the point. 



GROSVENOR HOUSE. 



When Grosvenor House, Millbank, was the extreme house 
on one of the ways leading out of London, somebody asked 
another, in passing, " Who lives in it ? " " Lord Grosvenor," 
was the reply. "I do not know what estate his lordship 
has," said the querist; "but he ought to have a good one, 
for nobody lives beyond him in the whole town." 



Don't moralize to a man who is on his back. Help him 
up, see him firmly on his feet, and then give him advice and 
means. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 377 

More pleasing than the dew-drops that sparkle upon roses, 
are the tears that pity gathers upon the cheek of beauty. 

At Lowell, music is universally studied, and everybody 
learns to sing. So should it be everywhere. Sing with the 
voice, the heart, and the understanding also. 

Dean Swift says he never knew a man to rise to eminence 
who lay in bed of a morning; and Dr. Franklin says, " He 
who rises late may trot all day, but never overtake his 

business." 

SUPERSCRIPTION OF A LETTER LATELY SENT BY THE POST. 

Ye men of letters, keepers of the seal, 

Whose care contributes to the public weal, 

Securely guard me, and with speed convey. 

And thanks, with sixpence, shall yuur pains repay 

To Mr. Holt, in Newark, I am sent, — 

Mind, no mistake, sirs, Newark-upon-Trent. 



THE DYING MISER. 



A miser, drawing near his end, 

Was by his doctor urged to send 

(As he to cure had failed in skill) 

For Proctor Page, to make his will. 

The will drawn up in usual form, — 
" I give," — Gripus began to storm, — 
" Give ? not a sixpence will I give 

To mortal being, while I live ! " 
" Then, sir, to whom bequeath your pelf? " 
" To whom ? " quoth Gripus ; " to myself ! " 
" Sir, sir, if you will not declare, 

The law will speedy find an heir." 
" You're cursed mistaken, Mr. Proctor, 

As much as in my case the doctor ; 

My wealth is hid so safe, d' ye mind it, 

That law nor devil e'er shall find it." 

32* 



378 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Grave Physic stared, the lawyer sighed, 
Old Gripus grinned, and groaned, and died ; 
When doctor, proctor, strange to see, 
Their exit made — without a fee. 



The Count de Villa Medina being at church one day, and 
finding there a religious who begged for the souls in purga- 
tory, he gave him a piece of gold. " Ah! my lord," said 
the good father, "you have now delivered a soul." The 
count threw upon the plate another piece. " Here is another 
soul delivered," said the religious. "Are you positive of 
it? " replied the count. " Yes, my lord," replied the monk ; 
"I am certain they are now in heaven." " Then," said the 
count, "I'll take back my money, for it signifies nothing to 
you now ; seeing the souls are already got to heaven, there 
can be no danger of their returning again to purgatory." 
And he immediately gave the pieces to the poor that were 
standing by. 

" I think," said Mrs. Partington, getting up from the 
breakfast-table, " I will take a tower, or go upon a discursion. 
The bill says, if I collect rightly, that a party is to go to a 
very plural spot, and to mistake of a cold collection. I hope 
it won't be so cold as ours for the poor, last {Sunday ; why, 
there warn't efficient to buy a feet of wood for a restitute 
widder." And the old lady put on her calash. 



NIMROD AND RAMROD. 

A gentleman, who thought his sons consumed too much 
time in hunting and shooting, gave them the appellation of 
Nimrod and Ramrod. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 379 



NO STRANGER OF ME. 



A parson, tsIio had a scolding wife) one day brought home 
a brother clergyman to dinner. Having gone into a separate 
apartment to talk to his spouse about the repast, she attacked 
and abused him for bringing a parcel of idle fellows to eat up 
their income. The parson, provoked at her behavior, said, in 
a pretty loud tone, i: If it were not for the stranger, I would 
give you a good drubbing.' 7 "0 ! 77 cried the visitor, "I 
beg you will make no stranger of me. 7 ' 



THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS. 

When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne 
wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor, com- 
ing to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his pre- 
scription. Ci jSTo^ truly, doctor, 77 said Nash; " if I had, I 
should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two-pair- 
of-stairs window. 77 



Lovers must not trust too implicitly to their visual organs. 
A tender swain once reproached his inamorata with suffering 
a rival to kiss her hand, a fact which she indignantly denied. 
" But I saw it. 77 u Nay, then, 77 cried the offended fair, " I 
am now convinced you do not love me, since you believe your 
eyes in preference to my word. 77 



A Yankee has just invented a method to catch rats. He 
Bays, *• Locate your bed in a room much infested by these 
animals, and. on retiring, put out the light. Then strew 
over your pillow some strong-smelling cheese, three or four 



380 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



red herrings, some barley-meal or new malt, and a sprinkling 
of dried codfish. Keep awake till you find the rats at work, 
then make a grab." 



A certain German professor having a child at a very 
advanced period of his age, which he baptized with the name 
of Adam, and a wit hearing of it, he observed the professor 
had begun well with the first letter of the alphabet, but that 
it was too late at his time of day to go through it. 



MUNCEB, 

The speech of this celebrated Anabaptist demagogue to the 
populace of Mulhausen, in 1524, resembles very much some 
of the harangues since made in the French Convention, ex- 
cepting that Muncer thought fit to add the fanaticism of reli- 
gion to the extremes t enthusiasm of republicanism. 

"Are ye not all brethren, my friends," said he, " and have 
not we all one common father in Adam? From whence, 
then, arises that difference of rank and property which tyr- 
anny has introduced between the nobility and ourselves? 
Why should we groan under poverty, while they abound in 
every kind of luxury ? Have we not a right to an equality 
of those good things which from their nature are made to be 
divided, without distinction, amongst all mankind ? Restore 
to us, then, ye rich of the present times, ye greedy usurpers, 
restore to us the property that you have so long unjustly 
detained from us ! It is not only as we are men, but as we 
are Christians, that we have a right to the equal distribution 
of the good things of this world. In the earliest times of the 
Christian religion, was it not seen that the apostles themselves 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 381 

had regard to the wants of each of the faithful, in the distri- 
bution of the money that was brought to their feet ? Shall 
we never see a return of those blessed times ? The Almighty 
requires of all mankind that they should destroy the tyranny 
of the rulers ; that they should demand their liberties, sword 
in hand ; that they should refuse to pay taxes ; and that they 
should bring all that they possess into one common stock. 
Yes, my brethren, it is to my feet that ye ought to bring 
everything you possess, as our predecessors of old brought all 
they had to the feet of the apostles. Yes, my brethren, to 
have everything in common was the very spirit of Christianity 
at its very birth, and to refuse to pay taxes to our princes, 
who oppress us, is to free ourselves from that state of slavery 
from wilich the Saviour of the world has delivered us." 

By harangues of this kind, Muncer soon found himself at 
the head of forty thousand troops. The Landgrave of Hesse, 
and many of the neighboring nobility, raised troops and at- 
tacked Muncer. The impostor, however, nothing daunted, 
made a speech to his troops, and promised them an entire vic- 
tory. " Everything," said he to his followers, "must yield 
to the Most High, who has placed me at the head of you. In 
vain the enemy's artillery shall thunder against you ; in vain, 
ndeed, for I will receive in the sleeve of my gown every bul- 
let that shall be shot against you, and that alone shall be an 
impenetrable rampart against all the efforts of the enemy." 
Muncer, however, was not so good as his word ; his troops 
were defeated, himself taken prisoner and carried to Mulhau- 
sen, where he perished on a scaffold in 1525. 



Make not a servant a confidant, for if he find out that you 
dare not displease him, he will dare to displease you. 



882 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

A CURIOUS HANDBILL. 

Thomas Touchwood, Gent., proposes on the last day of 
this present November to shoot himself by subscription. His 
life being of no further use to himself or his friends, he takes 
this method of endeavoring to turn his death to some account ; 
and the novelty of the performance, he hopes, will merit the 
attention and patronage of the public. He will perform with 
two pistols, — the first shot to be directed through the abdo- 
men, to which will be added another through the brain ; the 
whole to conclude with staggering, convulsions, grinning, &c, 
in a manner never before publicly attempted. 

The doors to be opened at eight, and the exhibition to begin 
precisely at nine. Particular places, for that night only, 
reserved for the ladies. No money to be returned, or half- 
price taken. 

N. B. Beware of counterfeits and impostors. The person 
who advertises to hang himself the same night, in opposition 
to Mr. Touchwood, is a tailor, who intends only to give the 
representation of death by dancing in a collar, — an attempt 
infinitely inferior to Mr. T.'s original and authentic perform- 
ance. 



SCRIPTURE AUTHORITY. 

A Quaker married a woman of the Church of England. 
-After the ceremony, the vicar asked for his fees, which he said 
were a crown. The Quaker, astonished at the demand, said 
if he would show him any text in the Scriptures which proved 
his fees were a crown, he would give it unto him ; upon which 
the vicar directly turned to the twelfth chapter of Proverbs, 
verse 4th, where it is said, " A virtuous woman is a crown 
to her husband/' "Thou art right," replied the Quaker, 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 



1 : in thy assertion ; Solomon was a wise man ; here are the 
five twelvepenny pieces, and something besides to buy thee a 
pair of gloves." 



PRESSING REASON. 



A sponger was reproached, one day, for dining so often 
among his friends. "What would you have me to do?" 
answered he ; ( 'Iam pressed to do it." " True," answered 
Monk Lewis, " there is nothing more pressing than hunger." 



ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER. 

Buck, the player at York, was asked how he came to turn 
his coat twice. He replied, smartly, that "one good turn 
deserved another." 



ON A BAD SERVANT, BUT A GOOD NURSE. 

Says Dick to his friend, " I 'd turn Mary away ; 

She hath not a quality worthy her pay." 
" No," says he, " I will not, I shan't get such another, 

For she constantly nursed both my father and mother. ' ■ 
" That 's my view to discharge her, would you keep your breath, 

As she nursed both your father and mother to death. ' • 



EPIGRAM. 



Young Strephon, ravished by a smile 
From Chloe, in a public place, 

Exclaimed, in a theatric style, 

" Nature ne'er formed so fair a face." 

By chance the fool was in the right — 

'T was patches, paint, and candle-light. 



384 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

DIALOGUE BETWEEN AN ENGLISH GENTLEMAN AND AN 
IRISH INNKEEPER. 

Eng. Gent. Holloa, house ! 

Innkeeper. I don't know any one of that name. 

Gent. Are you the master of the inn ? 

Inn. Yes ; sir, please your honor, when my wife 's from 
home. 

Gent. Have you a bill of fare ? 

Inn. Yes, sir; the fairs of Mullingar and Ballinasloe 
are the next week. 

Gent. I see. How are your beds ? 

Inn. Very well, I thank you, sir. 

Gent. Have you any mountain 1 

Inn. Yes, sir; this country's full of mountains. 

Gent. I mean a kind of wine. 

Inn. Yes, sir ; all kinds, from Irish white wine [butter- 
milk] to Burgundy. 

Gent. Have you any porter ? 

Inn. Yes, sir ; Pat is an excellent porter ; he '11 go any- 
where. 

Gent. No ; I mean porter to drink. 

Inn. 0, sir, he'd drink the ocean, — never fear him for 
that. 

Gent. Have you any fish ? 

Inn. They call myself an odd fish. 

Gent. I think so ; I hope you 're no sharp. 

Inn. No, sir, indeed ; I am not a lawyer. 

Gent. Have you any soals ? 

Inn. For your boots or shoes, sir ? 

Gent. Psha ! have you any plaice ? 

Inn. No, sir ; but I was promised one, if I would vote for 
Mr. B. 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 385 

Gent. Have you any wild fowl ? 

Inn. They are tame enough now, for they have been 
killed these three days. 

Gent. I must see myself. 

Inn. And welcome, sir ; I "11 fetch you the looking-glass. 



Talent is an eye-sore to tyranny. In weakness, tyranny 
fears it as a power ; in power, it hates it as a liberty. 

No person is obliged to say all he thinks, but both duty 
and self-interest forbid him to make false pretences. 



A gentleman who had become somewhat dilapidated got 
into a way of living a little on his friends. Among the rest, 
he visited an old acquaintance and stayed six or seven days 
with him, when the gentleman feigned a falling out with his 
wife, by which means their fare at the table was very slender. 
The guest, perceiving their drift, but not knowing where to 
go to better himself, remarked, "Well, I have been here 
seven days, and have not before seen any quarrel between 
you ; I am now resolved to stay seven more, in order to see 
you friends again. 7 ' 



DUBIOUS ADVERTISEMENT FOR A HUSBAND, BY A LADY OF 

CONSIDERABLE FORTUNE. 
i 

He must be young, as amorous as Jove, as brave as Julius 
Csesar or Alexander, as just as Aristides, as handsome as 
Adonis, as musical as Orpheus or Apollo, as wise as Ulysses, 
as eloquent as Cicero or Demosthenes, as great a philosopher 
as Socrates, as subtle a logician as Aristotle or Zeno, as rigid 
33 



386 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

as a stoiCj yet occasionally as much addicted to pleasure as 
Epicurus ; he must possess the learning of Homer, with the 
sweetness of Virgil, the wit and pleasantry of Horace, and 
the lively imagination of Shakspeare; he must also be as 
great a natural philosopher as Bacon or Newton. He must 
indulge all the lady's caprices ; understand all the following 
languages, the dead as well as the living : Hebrew, Arabic, 
Persian, Greek, Latin, French, Italian, Spanish, English, 
Irish, Scotch, High Dutch, German, Russian, Prussian, Da- 
nish, Flemish, Swedish, Turkish, Gentoo, Hindoo, Chinese, 
&c. &c. Whoever thinks he is possessed of the above requi- 
sites may apply to the printer of the M P , where 

he will be informed of further particulars respecting this lady 
and her immense fortune. 

P. S. The preference will be given to an Irishman. 



MR. FOX 5 S ESTIMATE OF THE FRENCH CHARACTER. 

In one of the latter days of Fox, the conversation turned 
on the comparative wisdom of the French and English char- 
acter. "The Frenchman," it was observed, " delights him- 
self with the present ; the Englishman makes himself anxious 
about the future ; is not the Frenchman the wiser? " " He 
may be the merrier," said Fox ; " but did you ever hear of a 
savage who did not buy a mirror in preference to a telescope ? " 



KITES. 



Boys fly kites for recreation, and men for other motives ; 
the first require the wind to raise the kite, the second the 
kite to raise the wind. 



OKB THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 387 

UPRIGHT JUDGE. 

Judge Richardson, in going the western circuit, had a 
great stone thrown at him, which, as he happened to stoop at 
the instant, passed clear over his head. " You see," he said 
to the friends who congratulated him on his escape, " you 
see, if I had been an upright judge, I had been slain." 



SOBER AS A JUDGE. 



At the last Old Bailey sessions three men were convicted 
of robbing James Atkins of a five-pound note and other prop- 
erty. It appeared that the prosecutor had been just paid 
off, and that, sailing up Drury Lane, an old shipmate hove 
in sight, — he treated him, and accompanied him to Dyot- 
street, St. Giles, where he met the others ; a quarrel ensued, 
and in the skirmish the prosecutor lost his money. On his 
cross-examination, he was asked by the counsellor if he was 
not intoxicated. He replied, if any man meant to insinuate 
he was drunk, he was a sioabber ; that he had only taken six 
glasses, and was as sober as a judge. Mr. Justice Heath 
afterwards asked him (the witness) the following questions : 

Judge. At the time when the robbery was committed, 
were you quite sober ? 

Witness. I was, please your lordship, as sober as a 
judge. 

Judge. How much had you drank at this time ? 

Witness. Please your- lordship, I had not drank above 
eight glasses, all the day. 

This answer, of course, excited great astonishment, and a 
good deal of laughter. The dialogue proceeded : 

Jitdge. Was not this sufficient to make you drunk ? 



388 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

Witness. No, please your lordship, nor twice as much. 
The effect of this answer was such as might be expected — 
a burst of laughter succeeded. 



SHERIDAN. 
When Sheridan's life was to be insured, Mr. Aaron Gra- 
ham, the magistrate, was applied to, in order to know whether 
Mr. Sheridan was at that period living a more regular life 
than usual. " I believe he is," said the justiee ; " but, under- 
stand me, — I think he is more regularly tipsy every night 
nolo than he has been for several years past." 



Cooper once slurred a certain governor, by attributing the 
disease in potatoes to the mortification they felt at seeing so 
small a member of their family in the gubernatorial chair ! 



Old Mr. Worthy says he likes to see young ladies walking 
the streets on Sunday in their silks with holes in their stock- 
ings, as it proves they are more attentive to things above 
than below. 



GONSALVO, THE GREAT CAPTAIN, 

Was a man of great presence of mind. When, in some 
mutiny amongst his troops, one of the soldiers presented his 
halberd to his breast, he gently turned it aside with his hand. 
" Comrade," said he, "take care that in playing with that 
weapon you do not wound your general." On some other 
mutiny, for want of pay, on Gonsalvo's expressing his inabil- 



OHS THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

ity to give it to them, one of the soldiers advanced to him, 
and said, in a menacing tone, " General, deliver up your 
daughter to us, and then we can pay ourselves. " The gen- 
eral, affecting not to hear him amidst the clamor of the troops, 
took no notice of it at the time, but in the night he took care 
to have him apprehended, and had him hung from a window, 
from which all the army might see the body. 

Gonsalvo took Naples by storm in the year 1503 ; and 
when some of his soldiers expressed their disapprobation at 
not having had a sufficient share in the spoil of that rich city, 
Gonsalvo nobly replied, "I will repair your bad fortune; gc 
to my apartments, take there all you can find, — I give it all 
into your hands."' 

Gonsalvo, for some time before he died, retired to a con- 
vent, giving as a reason for his conduct that there should be 
some time for serious reflection between the life of a soldier 
and his death. 



A fellow, going to sleep, put a brass pot under his head ; 
and finding it hard, stuffed it with feathers, and so lay on it 
with confidence of softness. 



COLUMBUS. 



The will of this great man is still extant m the archives of 
Genoa, in which city he was born. The most early life of 
him is to be met with in a book printed at Genoa in 1516, 
entitled '-Psalteriiim Hebrceum Grcecum, $•£., cum tribus 
Interpretationibus," by Agostino Giustiniani. It occurs in 
a note on this verse of the Psalms: "Coeli enarrant glo- 
ria m Dei.'' 

33* 



390 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

In one of the letters which Columbus wrote to the King of 
Spain, from his fleet, then lying before Jamaica, he has this 
. remarkable passage : " The wealth that I have discovered will 
rouse mankind to pillage and to violence, and will revenge 
the wrongs which I have suffered. The Spanish nation itself 
will perhaps suffer one day for the crimes that its malignity, 
its ingratitude, and its envy, is now committing. " 

One of Columbus' immediate descendants is said to have 
married into an English family. A Genoese gentleman of 
the Durazzo family published, some years ago, an eulogium 
upon this excellent and extraordinary man, in which there 
are several particulars relative to him not generally known. 
Columbus addressed four Jetters to his sovereign, three of 
which were translated into French some years ago Iby the 
Chevalier Flavigny ; the fourth is lost. 

Peter Martyr, in his very curious account of Columbus' 
voyages, tells us that on his landing on the island of Jamaica 
he immediately caused mass to be said on account of the safe 
landing of himself and of his followers, and that during the 
performance of that sacred mystery an old Carib, eighty years 
of age, attended by several of his countrymen, observed the 
service with great attention. After it was over, the old man 
approached Columbus with a basket of fruit in his hand, 
which he in a very courteous manner presented to him, and 
by means of an interpreter thus addressed him : " We have 
been told that you have in a very powerful and surprising 
manner run over several countries which were before unknown 
to you, and that you have filled the inhabitants of them with 
fear and dismay. Wherefore I exhort and desire you to 
remember that the souls of men, when they are separated 
from their bodies, have two passages,— the one, horrid and 
dark, prepared for those who have been troublesome and 



ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 391 

inimical to the human race ; the other, pleasant and delight- 
ful, appointed for those who. whilst they were alive, delighted 
in the peace and quiet of mankind. Therefore you will do no 
hurt to any one, if you bear in mind that you are mortal, 
and that every one will be rewarded or punished in a future 
state according to his actions in the present one." 

Columbus, by the interpreter, answered the old man that 
what he had told him respecting the passage of souls after the 
death of the body had been long known to him and to his 
countrymen, and that he was much surprised those notions 
prevailed amongst them, who seemed to be living quite in a 
state of nature. That he (Columbus) and his followers were 
sent by the King and Queen of Spain to discover all those 
parts of the world that had been hitherto unknown, that they 
might civilize the cannibals and other wild men who lived in 
these countries, and inflict proper punishments upon thdrn, and 
that they might defend and honor those persons who were vir- 
tuous and innocent ; that, therefore, neither himself nor any 
other Carib, who had no intention of hurting them, had the 
least reason to fear any violence ; and that he, with his fol- 
lowers, would avenge any injury that should be offered to 
him or to any other worthy persons of the island by any 
of their neighbors. 

The Carib was so pleased with the speech and the manner 
of Columbus, that, though he was extremely old, he offered 
to follow Columbus, and would have done so, had not his wife 
and children prevented him. He appeared w T ith difficulty to 
understand how T a man of Columbus' dignity and appearance 
should be under the control of another person ; and became 
much more astonished w T hen the interpreter explained to him 
the honor, the pomp, the wealth, of the several sovereigns of 
Europe, the extent of the country, and the greatness and 



892 ONE THOUSAND ANECDOTES. 

beauty of the various objects over which they reigned. He 
became pensive, melancholy, and ; in a flood of tears, asked the 
interpreter repeatedly whether it were the heavens or the 
earth which had produced men so superior to themselves as 
Columbus and his followers. 



ELECTS OF GRACE. 

When the Duke of Orleans hazarded his credit with the 
Court of Eome, in making his first ecclesiastical appointments 
conformably to the wishes of the Jansenist party, he said, 
"The Jansenists will no longer complain of me ; I have 
given everything to Grace, and nothing to merit." 



HUSH-MONEY. 



Pope received a thousand pounds from the Duchess of 
Marlborough, on the condition that he would suppress the 
character" of Atossa — yet it is printed. 



THE LAWYER AND CLIENT. 

Two lawyers, when a knotty case was o'er, 

Shook hands, and were as good friends as before. 

" Zonnds ! " says the losing client, " how came you 

To be such friends, who were such foes just now ? " 

" Thou fool ! " says one ; " we lawyers, though so keen, 

Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what 's between." 



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